is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

I'm sorry, I think I'm losing any rational thought. Ive not had particular trouble with strangers, just more its a very busy city centre hospital (they always have police outside permanently now). It's just a normal thing in a busy hospital and city, they usually leave strangers alone. I don't normally feel scared.

I think it's more just being around people full stop after so long shut away. Somewhere so public and busy after not being out at all, and in a physically vulnerable state. When my health is ok and I was doing well, I felt more confident.

I know I'm just panicking. I think I'll try to meet the takeaway downstairs so I practice seeing outside.

I have found almost all strangers to be okay, and some are quite pleasant. As you get out further and more often, you might really start looking forward to friendly hellos, nice smiles, and little chats with strangers.

And most people in a hospital are thinking about their own issues. Or bored! The police and security are there for your safety. And it’s not like you’ll be there late at night when it’s filled with drunks.
Do you have an actual appointment or is it a walk in? Should it be GP instead?

Hi

I feel sad that you have no food in to need to get a takeaway. Is this how you live normally. e.g. do you get ready meals delivered? Is there nothing you can rustle up from what you have in, even an omelette?

How do you KNOW the neighbours have been talking about you?

I'm sorry. I think I had a mini meltdown earlier but I feel better now (I know I shouldn't say sorry, I can't help it). I don't get takeaways much. He usually buys me food if I can't get out or I do online shop. I like cooking usually. I suppose the takeaway was a rare treat. I think it helped. I spoke to a stranger, the delivery man and he seemed nice.

The neighbours all know. They've complained in the past and called the police. It must be awful for them. It's in the past when things were more intense. Hopefully they're be out when/if I make it out.

I have to see a specialist so not a GP. I've spoken to them on the phone but they want to see me. They have a same day clinic. I'm not too bad today but think I should get seen before he's back. Though he's being nice again now.

I have two diazepam left from a year ago. I'm thinking of taking one tomorrow to give me confidence to go. I'm also going to try for another early night.

I think I have two main issues. First, the health thing. Really I need to be tested, blood tests etc, they need to check if it's something else, which means going to follow up appointments. That's the problem. I can't commit in case something flares up with him. I think I need to get back on track with the immediate medication then maybe try to leave, but obviously if he stays nice it will be ok. The other issue is I need to be strong if I need to leave. I spoke to a different local charity today. They were nice but can only offer a waiting list for counselling. They said they could try to arrange a refuge but if I need help leaving I have to go to the police. I really can't cope with that. So I must make myself get to the clinic and get well. I know it's not hard to get in a cab. I think I'll do it. I'd like to post a positive update if I post again. I know it's currently like groundhog day.

It’s not. It’s really not. Hope you sleep well. At least you have the option of same day clinic. I generally get an appointment by letter. No choice of when and it’s miles away too. It’s stressful but I guarantee life feels easier when medical stuff is under control.

Thank you. I couldn't sleep but I'll try now. It's hard to explain because I'm too scared to explain properly (even though I'm sure it's really obvious it's me to anyone who knows so I'm being stupid). My head's foggy from no fresh air I think too. I'm nervous about going to the same day. To be honest it's meant to be emergency stuff but I'm hoping they'll understand if I explain (but not in detail). I actually nearly running out of the last medication I have left so sort of urgent. It's so hard. Really I'm meant to take something then go back to be checked. It feels impossible sometimes. In the past he was sometimes violent before appointments but often just violent rages leaving me on edge and in a state. Too scared to get to bed or waking up the next day not knowing what he'd be like or do next. He's been ok recently so I'll have to take the risk. I'm hoping writing about it helps me. I must try to go to bed. I'm sorry you've had the stressful appointments too. Hospitals are often so far away now.

I see how scared you are to go to the appointments, a lot of it is because you don't know how he'll be about it. It sounds very much like he prefers you down and dependent? That's also abuse, you know.

Imagine yourselves swapped around. Would you want him to be trapped indoors, feeling ill and anxious? Would you be glad he couldn't go out even to buy food from a supermarket? Would you get angry about him going to appointments?

The 'being nice to me at the moment'? That's just part of the cycle, it's not genuine caring. You are getting nothing at all from being with this man, even if you try to justify it to yourself by thinking about having your own bathroom and him bringing food. That's also true in prison!!

Who gives a shit what the neighbours think of you? Even if they did 'hate' you? You don't know them from Adam really and you don't want to live near them in the long run. What can they do to you? Why do you worry so much about these judgemental strangers? Of course people will talk about unusual things, and if that's shouting from your house they hear. They might even be worried about you, you know? So the police were called? I don't recall the details but did the police speak to you or your partner? Did you feel you couldn't tell the truth? The police were fantastic when I contacted them, I had no 'evidence' or photos but they believed me, assessed me and said I was at high risk, put an emergency flag on my phone number, when I left kept in touch to see how I was and if I needed anything like house security.

Do you feel like you still love him? That's fear and anxiety, and also probably you being a nice person. Believe me that love will fade away SO quickly when you are out of this situation. Keep reaching out for support. If you pin all your hopes on solving your medical issues before you are ready to leave, you may find that he sabotages that constantly and you will never be ready.

I feel awful. I know it's like I'm dripfeeding. I'm so sorry. I genuinely just scared to say everything, partly because it all seems like it's over, in the past. Like this big calm but not good or normal calm. Now it's just the consequences, like I'm a broken shell. I haven't said or explained everything partly because I'm so scared people will recognise me - either those involved in real-life or those who've read things when I posted here and elsewhere (under different names) in the past. They'll be thinking not her again, like I'm just beyond annoying and self-pitying for not doing something about it all.

Anyhow. I've never been this bad before. It's weird but when it was ongoing frequent violence I still had some of me left, I mean like still alive, in touch with outside world. Now it's like I've messed up too much. Alienated sources of help, doctors fed up with me.

Police been out a few times in the past. After first three times (I called them when really frightened but then was too scared to say what happened), I was referred to a domestic support agency but moved house just after that, before we could speak. Got lost in the move because old place didn't cover new area. He was then arrested after neighbours called police in new place. I was bruised and bleeding but by the time they came, blood gone and bruises were under my clothes. I was too scared to tell the truth. I think they knew though. I admitted to police I didn't want to be homeless. Also I didn't know anyone in the new area. Police came out a few more times after that. Last time was when he persuaded them it was me. Nearly got me sectioned. He'd been hitting and kicking me but when they arrived Ibwas so scared of being homeless and/or what he'd do if charged. Told them nothing happened. He told them I had mental episodes and controlled him. They called ambulance to mentally assess me and offered to drive him to a place of safety, referred him to a domestic abuse charity.

That's when I felt really alone. Also wonder if that's why old doctor stopped being nice. Maybe police spoke about it to them.

Oh no, it sounds like the police might have given you an opportunity then to explain to the ambulance staff that you were being abused, and to remove your husband, but of course he declined the 'place of safety' as he didn't actually need it!. It is unfortunately common for abusers to twist the situation to make themselves seem the victim and the actual victim is too afraid to contradict them. But anyway the good news is that he HAS once been arrested for this even if not charged, so it should be on file that you both have history.
Why don't you give them a call, ask if they have a person you can speak to in confidence about domestic abuse?

I guarantee the police have better things to do than contact your doctor and complain about you!!

Sorry for posting so much, and also for being so rambling. I'm panicking again. One step forward two steps back. I managed to get my medication sorted out! Spoke to a doctor who understood the condition and understood why I hadn't been able to get outside. Then I spoke to him. I never know if it's me being paranoid but I sort of didn't want to give him the good news. Its so hard to explain or prove and maybe it is me being paranoid but it always feels like, although he gets angry with me being incapable, not getting out, costing him money (good, etc), if I start getting better, he's not so happy.

Anyhow he does this a lot. Goes for my main fear, being homeless. Started talking about giving our notice in and moving out. He always does it when I'm unable to work or other things going on. When I had a two week cancer referral one time, when my dad has just had heart surgery, when I'm like this, housebound at the moment with no money.

I understand we shouldn't live together. But he keeps stopping me getting well, working, everything. I'm scared I wouldn't get a refuge if he gave notice on the flat. They'd say he was leaving so no need. Bit obviously I'd have to stay beyond leaving date (with nowhere to go) and he'd be so angry (it would risk his deposit, etc?).

Scared. Sorry.

How did you come to move area? This can also be an abuse tactic, to keep you isolated, stop you making friends or keeping contact with them.

I know I need to leave asap but scared hell stop me. This is the other problem. It doesn't seem enough to him to just be the one who controls if we go separate ways. He won't let me try to be ok. Last time I tried to find a place of my own, I had money at the time, he'd said he wanted to be separate. But he ramped up everything. Violent rates, actual violence, constant threat of worse violence.

This will be the same. The minute notice is given, he'll not let up. I'm scared. I can leave now my medical notes are sorted. New area will see that and keep my medication. But I won't physically be better straight away. I suppose I could get a cab to a refuge. I'm panicking. Sorry. Sorry for rambling. It's just every time there's a chance we'll go separate ways, he really is awful and scary and completely volatile. He's said before he wants to destroy me. Thought it was just anger talking.

I'll go away, shut up, try maybe tomorrow to leave. Terrified. My medication won't be ready until next week.

Sorry Twillow, I'm panicking and rambling. We had to leave our old flat. Landlord was selling. The week before we had to leave, he changed his mind about what we were doing. First said he wanted his own place away from me, then decided we'd go to where we are.

I'm scared I won't get help to leave. Spoke to a lovely charity today. They need to do risk assessment. All the worse violence us over a year ago so I'm probably not eligible for a refuge. The most recent stuff is just like twisting my arm, hugging me too tight do it hurts, punching and kicking sofa, raising fist to me but stopping at last minute, saying he'll knock me out (but not doing it). Most recent bad thing was Christmas so a year ago really. Came home drunk and angry. Smashed the light switch, picked up a knife. But then we hugged and was ok later. Is that enough for a refuge? Though I don't want to leave really. I feel I need familiarity until I'd physically better.

I promise I won't post again. I suppose I have to leave? I don't want to. I don't feel ready to lose to familiarity. But he's just said if he comes back (he's at his parents) he'll kill me. He often says that and never has obviously but I guess it means he hasn't changed after all. He wasn't even angry, more like really cold and calm.

I probably won't be believed. I didn't record the call.

Oh Plantlife, I'm so happy to hear you've got two things done - medication sorted and spoken to a charity.

The myth of needing a black eye stopped me from seeking help for a long time too - you have so much more reason in the way you are treated -the way he's making you isolated and dependent, the aggression verbal and physical, all the things you have said on this thread none of which are minor and insignificant. You live in fear.
Let the charity do their assesment. Leave nothing out. KEEP THIS COMPLETELY SECRET from him, act normal, do nothing to make him suspect you have potential plans and support. This can be the most dangerous time.
Happy to continue supporting you on here or in private message.

Why did he say he would kill you? Why is he at his parents? Have you told him anything that's got him scared you will leave? If so then you need to call the police and tell them the picture NOW. Tell them you are waiting for a domestic abuse assessment but you have just had a threat from your partner.

The medication doesn't matter. A refuge can sort that out for you.

Thank you, thank you. Thank you for being so nice and for understanding. I really don't want to go to the police. It's been years. He's threatened to kill me more than once over years and never done it. I think he's just being nasty. It's just he was calm and not shouting this time. I'm scared maybe he does know. He was staying with them to visit and see his hometown friends. I can't cope with police and he'd be released even if charged and so angry. I'm going to try to calm down and get food. I have to give my details to the charity don't I. I'm going to be very honest now. I'm so terrified of a refuge and it's so painful not being a mother (really why I stayed with him, I desperately wanted children) I need a self contained refuge. I know I sound spoilt. There's less choice of where to go but I'm ok with that. The woman I spoke to at the charityseemed to understand. Hopefully they all will. I feel so upset. I wanted to hug him and be ok. I'm so grateful for your support. Thank you.

You will be believed.

You are not the first person to be in your situation- it isn't your fault, and they will understand. Just do what you need to do to keep yourself safe.

You do give details but don't worry they know all about discretion, even if ringing you they will ask beforehand what is a good time and how you can let them know if he's there and hang up without him having to know anything.
You have got this far, don't give up now. Why do you want to hug him he's just threatened you?? Yes I know - you really wish it was different and what if...but it won't be, it will happen again. 100%. Don't let him destroy you.

You are not spoilt. You will be believed. Threatening to kill you is abuse- he doesn't have to follow through!