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is this abuse?

975 replies

plantlife · 06/09/2019 22:05

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/09/2019 12:50

It is hard. But he won’t make it any better. He may try and stop you getting well.

cakeandchampagne · 27/09/2019 12:58

What exactly are you planning to do today to “prepare”?
Are you trying to locate your ID or some documents?
Flowers

Whatisthisfuckery · 27/09/2019 13:31

OP, you can do this. I left my abusive ex a couple of months after losing all of my eyesight, that is not a lie. I also had a 6 year old child with me. It can be done and you can do it.

He’s not going to blame you or get you sectioned. They don’t section people on a whim, I can tell you that w from personal experience and with absolute certainty.

Look, I don’t want to come across as rude or patronising, but even over the internet you come across as being in an awful state, and definitely not mental. There’s more to communication than words, people can see, can sense how you’re feeling.

If you call the police they will keep him away from you. Whether you go in a refuge or they keep him away from your home I don’t know but they will keep him away. They will see what sort of situation you’re in. Don’t forget they deal with this all the time, they know what to look for, what questions to ask and even more importantly, the kind of answer dodging responses people give who are in your position.

He’s not there atm but you don’t know when he’ll be back. You might have a week, you might have a day or you might have an hour. When he comes back you’ll be done, you won’t be able to act and you’ll be even more frightened.You have your chance now, and if you lose this opportunity you won’t know when there will be another, but one thing is certain, you’ll wish you had one before you get one.

You don’t need to ask yourself what will happen if you call the police and seek help, you need to ask yourself what will happen if you don’t. What will happen to you if you let this chance pass and you stay with him, because I guarantee he’ll be back.

And another question to ponder, you say he’s stopped hitting you. Why has he stopped hitting you? Is it because he thinks it’s unacceptable and it hurts you? Well, if that is the case, then why does he continue to do all the other things he does, even though he knows it hurts you?

Could there be another reason why he’s not hit you lately? Could it be because you’ve learned not to make him so angry, do or say certain things or question or react to him? What do you think would happen if you started doing these things he hit you for again? Do you think he’d hit you again if he felt the need?

He will hit you again, when he needs to. He’s doing all this stuff to make you behave how he wants you to. If you don’t behave how he wants you to these are the ways he punishes you and brings you back in line.

And yes, of course he’s started the threats and saying his leaving thing again because you had good news from the GP. He’s done it before, it’s part of his pattern. If that isn’t the case then why is it? Clearly something has triggered it, it’s not just come out of the blue, so why could it be? It’s because he feels his position of control is threatened, so he has to bring you back into line. He’s making the earth tilt under your feet again, taking away your positive progress.

Please please dredge some strength from somewhere. If you can’t while he’s not there then how will you when he’s there?

Twillow · 27/09/2019 16:07

I can see you are still very anxious about leaving. I just looke dup refuges as I haven't personally stayed in one, though I was prepared to if I couldn't escape another way.
All refuges have trained staff who are there to help you settle in and apply for welfare benefits. They can also support you with a range of other practical issues, such as registering with a local doctor or school, contacting solicitors, and dealing with immigration issues.

Staff are also there to support you emotionally. They understand what you have been through and will help you to make sense of what is going on. They will not judge you or tell you what to do. They want you to have the time and space to make your own decisions.

"One worker will be your key worker. She will meet you at least weekly to make sure you are receiving the support you need. You can discuss any concerns or worries you may have with her. It is up to you to choose how much support we give you. We are there to guide and empower but the process is ‘owned’ and directed by you."
There would be staff there to support you. This means that your medication could be obtained, if this is actually what is holding you back.
But I don't think it's that.
You are like someone on a tightrope, terrified to go in either direction at the moment. But the alternative is to live in permanent terror anyway!!
Please be clever in what you say (and don't say) to him. If you need to vent do it on here! He's already shown that you getting to a GP has annoyed him so much he has threatened to kill you.

Twillow · 27/09/2019 16:09

ANd no he won't be arrested, unless you requested it and even then the police would definitely need some evidence (i.e. medical reports, bank statements to show financial abuse, text/email threats etc)

plantlife · 27/09/2019 19:16

I'm sorry. I appreciate the replies so much. It seems like I'm ignoring your advice. I'm a big mess tonight but maybe I should eat.

I don't know what to do. I got some refuge numbers. The place was gone at one and other one said she couldn't hear me and hung up. She heard me ok at first and I'm probably being paranoid but it was the other side of the UK and she asked where I was, then said she couldn't hear me. I know I'm being paranoid.

I've just had a massive phone and message thing with him. He said I'm an abuser. He also mentioned something I'd forgotten but now I realise he's got me. It was once, about 3 years ago. He'd been violent, hit and kicked me, raging violently, telling me to kill myself, that I deserved to be hit. I fell apart and hit myself with a shaving bottle. Not hard. He came in the room, thought he was going to say sorry but he filmed me. He's saying he'll say everything else was selfharm.

OP posts:
plantlife · 27/09/2019 19:22

I genuinely think he's just taking out his stresses on me. He's upset about a few things (not to do with me). But Im just a mess more than usual because of being stuck indoors for so long. Feel like I'm going mad.

He was saying anyone would hit me, even the pope would hit me. Bit then he said sorry. I need to eat and calm down.

Please does anyone know. I started a risk assessment with the charity but needed to eat and get my head together. I'm so scared about police involvement. I don't think I'm high risk but if I was and it goes to that meeting, please does anyone know if police are involved, would they take my views into account? I don't want him arrested.

OP posts:
Twillow · 27/09/2019 19:56

You are getting the wrong end of the stick in your panic, I think.
The - DASH I think it is - multi agency assessment would be FOR YOU, about helping and protecting you. It is not going to be you and your partner called in to have a face-off - he won't be involved, or consulted, or informed, or arrested.

Like I said before, he won't be arrested without your consent UNLESS the police decided to prosecute in the public interest because he had done something so serious that grevious bodily harm, attempted murder or murder had been comitted (Ii.e. injuries potentially life-changing or fatal).

You will by no means be the first abused women who has attempted self-harm in their utter despair and frustaration. You can absolutely stop worrying about the shaving bottle incident, I promise you.

And 'genuinely taking his stresses out on you' does not make it ok. You do need to stop making excuses for him now.

The fact that refuge places are being taken means that there are many women like you out there, some more ready to leave than others, but all equally deserving of support. There will be more places coming along all the time, it will not be a once only offer!! But it does show you have to bite the bullet and grab that place when it comes up, it won't wait for you.

Can I ask how did the conversation with him today come round to him calling you an abuser?

plantlife · 27/09/2019 20:20

You've reassured me, thank you. I can't help panicking about the police. Partly because I really don't want him in trouble because of me. It seems unfair to completely blame my problems on him. The old GP, what they did, putting me at risk of permanent damage is worse I think. But also I'm so scared if what he'll it will bring from him. I'm scared he'll say I'm the abuser or try to get me sectioned. I'm scared he'll get drunk and angry and really batter me, or hurt himself.

It's my fault tonight when he said I'm the abuser. You're definitely think I bring it on myself now. I can't help myself, it all spills out. I said I really wanted to believe he wasn't an abuser. He gets so angry if I call him that. Understandably. He just replied saying wasn't one but I was. He's told all his friends, family, and colleagues that I'm an abuser. He even said I hit him. I slapped him once to get him off me. He was really hurting me that time. I've also been beyond stupid. Told him Id started doing a risk assessment. I know it's stupid. I just desperately wanted hm to be nice again. I told him I didn't go through with it because I want it back to nice and normal. I'm being stupid I suppose.

OP posts:
Twillow · 27/09/2019 20:29

Oh Plantlife my love. You cannot tell him this.
He can change of his own will or not, nothing you can do or say will help that.
The opposite is true, he will be more dangerous if he thinks you are telling others or thinking about leaving.
Just. Don't.

Go back to the way it was? Those brief interludes when you felt relieved because he wasn't shouting at you, holding you down, damaging your hearing, hitting you, kicking you, blocking you from going out, preventing you from getting medical help, getting called a wifebeater by the neighbours, lying to the police, gaslighting you...

Come on. Big girls pants now.

Twillow · 27/09/2019 20:32

You are clearly intelligent. You write well and get your points across clearly.
Please don't call yourself stupid. You have made a mistake, that's all.

anothernamereally · 27/09/2019 20:34

Just popping by to say that even in the unlikely event he managed to get you sectioned at least you would be safe and fed and with a roof over your head with people there to help you.
Take the leap op and get away from him he's a dangerous bully and your relationship with him is toxic

plantlife · 27/09/2019 20:38

It feels out of hand. I knew he'd be like this after his break. That's why I was so desperate to be physically well to be able to deal with it, why the old GP stuff was so devastating.

I couldn't get through to finish the risk assessment today. I think I'm finally ready to do it. I hope I don't lose my nerve tomorrow. I think I'm ready to leave. I hope theres time to find a refuge I could cope with. I know I'm being so demanding and difficult with that. I know many people will think it's not bad enough for refuge if I don't take whatevers on offer. They're right. I just 100% prefer a beating to sharing at the moment. I can't help it. Maybe I'll feel stronger after the risk assessment and with support. I know Id feel better once physically better.

I must shut up and try to calm down. I know I shouldn't say sorry but I really am sorry for rambling.

OP posts:
plantlife · 27/09/2019 20:44

Just seen your replies. I know you're all right. I will try to finish the risk assessment tomorrow. They said I'd have to start again but I've made progress. They have my details finally, name and address. Thank you so so much. This thread has helped so much. Helped me talk about it, your kind support. Thank you.

OP posts:
Twillow · 27/09/2019 20:48

You are under so much stress. I don't doubt that the mental stress is making your medical conditions worse.
So your fear of the unknown makes you convince yourself that you will be stronger to leave when you are physically well.
That might never happen.
You are far more likely to find, you know, that you feel a whole lot better physically when you are out of this awful relationship. (I say relationship loosely, not in the sense it should be of a supportive partner).
You seem afraid of so many things in the outside world, but you know, it's actually not such a bad place out there once you discover that most people are ordinary, genuine, and kind! It's actually the monsters at home that turn the big wide world black.

user764329056 · 27/09/2019 20:52

Just want to add my support for you OP, keep doing the next right thing, your life will soon be better than you can imagine, there is help waiting for you with open arms

Twillow · 27/09/2019 20:55

Try to draw a line under the gp stuff now: you have a new doctor now and medication organised. That's great progress. You've got that far without him, haven't you!!

stitchwitch84 · 27/09/2019 22:20

OP, I’ve just found this thread and wanted to add another voice of support. I think you’re doing brilliantly in impossible circumstances. I will check in again tomorrow to see how you’re getting on - hope you have a good night xx

plantlife · 27/09/2019 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cakeandchampagne · 27/09/2019 23:17

I’m sure you noticed that article is over 5 years old.
And services are still being provided for the women & children who are getting out of abusive situations.

You can have a safe & happy life.

plantlife · 28/09/2019 00:43

I'm sorry. You're right. I'm just so scared no-one will want me especially if I'm not local. I'm panicking and need to stop. I've asked for the article to be deleted actually because I suddenly thought maybe it's too political? I genuinely don't want that, just driving myself mad with fears. I need to eat and sleep. I think I had a bad day today but hopefully I'll feel more hopeful tomorrow. This thread l, writing here has helped so hopefully I can think of this instead of the worst case. I had such a bad experience with one domestic abuse charity and of course the GP stuff, I've let it take over me. I know there's kind helpful people and charities out there too. I'm scared of him coming back but also scared of him not coming back. It's ridiculous.

OP posts:
Nagsnovalballs · 28/09/2019 01:03

Your oh is a terrifying, cruel and abusive monster. He has played such mind games that you think you are in the wrong. His violence is shocking. (Would you let him treat a child, dog or cat that way?)

Give the shelter another go and remember to ask this question if they say you aren’t local:

“Are there any local services that you can recommend as I am really struggling in my area?”

Make a note of the things you want to tell them on your phone. Or use this thread. You might feel a bit wobbly on the phone, so a list will help you focus on the most important bits.

Chin up love. The first step to freedom is realising that you are in a cage. You can do this! xxx

SendingCourage · 28/09/2019 09:12

@plantlife I've been where you are. You can get through this. I'm a regular, I've NCd.

I could have started a very similar thread almost 30 years ago.

Please believe me when I say that I used to feel comforted, yes comforted, when my body was covered in bruises. That's how fucked up my head was. He'd beat me up then we'd have sex which I was grateful he wanted to have with me. I was very young at the time.

I blamed myself for causing him to get angry and hit me. Everyone else loved him. We moved to a city where I knew no-one. I felt that the familiarity I had with him was better than the unknown.

So I totally get what you're saying about everything. I believe you and I understand everything you're saying perfectly. I also believe you can not only get away from him, but that you can be will have a better life.

I'm glad you're still posting and you're getting excellent advice on here. You're not alone. I hope this thread is helping you.

Stop apologising lovely, you've done nothing wrong Brew

Whatisthisfuckery · 28/09/2019 10:23

OP, lovely, please don’t think I’m being harsh, I really don’t want to make you feel worse, but you need to understand that you are the one who needs to reach out for help, and that you need to be honest if you want it.

I promise there will be people out there who will help you but they can’t if you don’t give them the reasons why you need it.You have to reach out to them though, because unfortunately nobody is going to ride in and save you.

Can you put the radio on or something. Listen to you local station. You’ll hear people from the local community, you’ll hear life going on outside your house. You should be part of that life, not stuck in a prison waiting for your torturer to return.

plantlife · 28/09/2019 13:53

I'm going to do something I'll regret so much. This thread and everyone here has been the most amazing source of support. To be honest what's kept me going at all. I truly can't say enough how grateful. And now I'll lose your support and goodwill. I'm so sorry. I can't keep it in. I woke up and have just had major shouting (to myself) meltdown. The poor neighbour had someone round. It's because it feels like the worse most dirty dark secret.

I won't be believed and I'm sure your think it's me exaggerating or making it up or misinterpreting in stressed state. It's not though. Also I'm so sorry to anyone who recognises me from where I once posted on the past. Please don't hate me. I know I'm pathetic for not taking your advice. I know I'm almost deserving it for not moving forwards.

So in the past I did ask for help. I hold my hands up. There are several massively kind people offering it but I was so terrified of all sorts of things that I wavered. When I called back I had the worse experience. My local da charity. Went to their weekly drop in. Couldn't bring myself to walk in, went back few weeks later. Was during very intense period with him. I was terrified neighbour was calling police. Turns out he did. It was 15 mins before closing. I understand I was late, didn't know what to think or expect, would have been happy with kind smile and an arranged next appointment. Another woman also turned up. We both had confused closing times. Woman opened door, snapped "Will it be quick". I had no idea but was about to walk out. A man came out before I could speak. He seemed so kind. Said I'll say. Must have shamed the woman into staying too. I got her, the other woman seeking help got the nice man.

She made no secret of resenting staying. Stood up by door to indicate she was ready to leave. I was terrified police would arrest him in neighbours report. She just said "I don't know, I don't know, I'm not the police, ask the police". Didn't offer support, anything. She was standing up by the door in that way you do when saying to someone I've finished here.

I was persuaded by a helpline to try again. I knew it wouldn't help. It wasn't me being paranoid but noone believed me. I went back few weeks later. I tried to believe she was just in a rush. I turned up in good time next time. I'd been told to ask for a support worker. It was the same woman. She said she'd already seen me, what else did I want. Didn't do a risk assessment. I asked for a support worker. She told me to call the office the next week. She tried to say my fear of him and the daunting experience of asking for help was mental health. Said I should try adult social services (I rang them anonymously, they said I needed da charity). Turns out she was the support worker. The only one. I tried to get help from another charity. They don't cover my area. They told me to try again, ask for someone else. I didn't want to but he was violent again, I was scared and desperate. I begged the charity to give me someone else. Tried to be diplomatic, said I wanted someone who hasn't seen me in person. In the end honest said hadn't gelled. They eventually reluctantly gave me someone else. An IDVA. She was open about resenting helping me. Said things like "you've got what you wanted, we've given you an idva". I was so so scared of refuges and police and tried desperately to ask her to clearly tell me honestly my options - even if they were rubbish, tell me straight so informed choice. She refused. Kept saying she'd already given them to me. She hadn't. I said I just wanted a couple of sessions to go over my own plans just to get emotional support with it (I've had more support here than I could imagine, if only I'd just posted here instead). She said they couldn't offer that, they only helped with going to court and social services. Then she said I'd taken hours of their organisations time and they couldn't offer anymore. I understand funding limits, it was absolutely the manner and attitude that made me turn back to him and not feel able to trust support services for so long.

I'm not imagining how it was. Not exaggerating or making it up but I can't make you believe me. I just keep shouting to myself in melt downs and better getting it out here than making my neighbour's understand why he gets so angry with me

OP posts:
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