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is this abuse?

975 replies

plantlife · 06/09/2019 22:05

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

OP posts:
plantlife · 24/09/2019 10:26

Twillow, definitely no need to apologise. I actually prefer this weather! I don't like it too hot, especially when stuck indoors because it gets so stuffy.

Sorry again everyone for such long rambling posts. It's all falling out of me. Sorry. Sorry for apologising!

I'm trying to get the courage to go today to the walk-in. Seems pointless because they'll need to refer me to a specialist. Probably several months to wait. I'll survive in the meantime, not life threatening, but it leaves me unable to make leaving plan until then. I could go private but I'm spending all the money on buying privately the medication.

I suppose it's a start seeing the general consultant today. I have to find a warm top. My jackets and coats are too tight to fit into. I think I can do this. Dreading seeing the neighbours. One of them was so angry about the noise a while back. Completely understandable. They've probably heard me talking to myself too. Just so ashamed. I'm going to think about a relaxing bath later to look forward to as a reward for doing this.

OP posts:
ladmum · 24/09/2019 10:37

Please call womans aid - www.womensaid.org.uk/ its 7 days a week 24 hours help line no judgement whatsoever. You can speak to someone impartial to help.

ratsnest · 24/09/2019 10:43

Seconding women's aid - please call them 0808 2000 247

cakeandchampagne · 24/09/2019 11:14

Even if your NDN heard you talking, they would probably think you were on the phone.
I hope you get out today. Flowers
Layers will help keep you warm, and knit material will stretch a bit. While you’re out, maybe you could stop in a clothing shop and get a few things?

Whatisthisfuckery · 24/09/2019 11:19

OP I say this with the greatest kindness, and I know where you are because I’ve been there.

Next time you go to type sorry, please don’t. Honestly of all the things in the world people should say sorry for, posting on an anonymous internet forum about being miserable and trapped in an abusive situation is so far off the bottom of the list it’s practically under foot, which is where your mind is when you’re doing it.

Like I said, I was where you are. Your situation sounds worse than mine but I was in an awful place, so hopefully you’ll understand just how sick to the stomach your posts make me feel. Any, my point is, I was where you are, and it just hit home to me when I was reading something else that I used to say sorry for everything, just like you. I’d say sorry for saying sorry then say sorry again for that. I don’t do that now, in fact I only say sorry for two reasons, one because I genuinely am sorry that I’ve caused hurt/inconvenience, and the other in a tactical way, but only if I have a goal and the actual sorry is inconsequential to me. Which one fo these sorts do you say, and which do you think your partner says, when he’s just thumped you for example. Even if the thump was ages ago, if the sorry was of the latter variety then that should tell you a lot. Also the first sorry should come with actions to back it up, so that might help you decide which type of sorries they are.

Please think about what it is you are actually sorry about, and why that is. Then think about who exactly should really be sorry, and why. You can’t possibly be responsible for all the world’s ills, and you aren’t responsibility for your partner’s active choices to hit, shout at, harm and belittle you. They are decisions he’s making for himself. Just a quick question, have you ever made the decision to shout directly into his ear? Or thump or kick him? I guessing the answer is no, and probably part of the reason it’s no is because you know you’d get back worse than what you did. Well he knows he’s not going to get back worse, so he’s absolutely free to behave in the way he does without consequences. Wouldn’t we all do things if we could get away without consequences?

So, think about that word sorry, and what it should be for. And please don’t apologise if you respond to this post, because there’s no reason for you to do so.

Whatisthisfuckery · 24/09/2019 11:25

Oh and OP, just to be clear, all the posters on this thread are choosing to post, choosing to check back and read, and choosing to invest their time and energy, so unless you’re apologising to us for our own freely made choices, don’t say sorry. This is a perfect illustration of how that word has been separated from it’s actual meaning and function in your mind. Please think about that, and why it’s happened.

cakeandchampagne · 24/09/2019 11:36

The only times irl I have heard someone say “sorry” a lot & unnecessarily, it was always someone who was in an abusive relationship. Flowers

plantlife · 24/09/2019 17:55

Thank you so much for being so kind. It's really hard not saying sorry. I just feel bad for whining and wasting people's time. I'm scared. Realised from his messages that he's not really changed. I'm scared I won't get out of this mess once he's back. He'll start making things difficult so I feel unable to get to follow up appointments. I've spent so much time changing GP, trying to sort my health. The time away from him has gone. I'll have to leave without a trial run. I suppose that's what most women have to do. I didn't make it anywhere today. I've got to try tomorrow. Maybe the fear will motivate me. I wish he'd changed. I'm so sorry you went through it too, whatisthisfuckery, and I'm sorry it's bringing bad memories for you. I really hope things are better for you now.

OP posts:
plantlife · 24/09/2019 18:06

I'm really really frightened of being in a refuge. I'm actually terrified of it. What the other people will be like, the insecurity of it. I feel so desperate to cling to a sort of safe home. The private bath, kitchen, my own things. It's my security. But if I stay I think I'll be completely destroyed. I have to choose. I don't want to but I suppose no-one in this position wants to. Other women have been strong. I'm actually shaking thinking about leaving but I'm scared of him being back. I hope I can do it this time. Thank you again so much for the support you've given me. I think it's helped give me strength. I sometimes feel like I'm making it all up in my head, like it's not really real. I wish it wasn't real.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 24/09/2019 18:29

But it’s not safe is it?
You’re not whining and you’re not wasting anyone’s time. You deserve to feel confident and well and like you again.

plantlife · 24/09/2019 19:15

I suppose you're right. It is safe a lot of the time but not all the time. I really am going to try again tomorrow.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 24/09/2019 20:29

Please please find a way to keep GP appointments. You do need to get you well and get their support.

cakeandchampagne · 24/09/2019 21:05

Can you tell us parts of some of the angry(?) messages he sent?

Twillow · 24/09/2019 21:59

Each day you post you sound braver, more determined and more aware. These are your baby steps and it's what you need right now. The big changes ARE scary, we can all tell you you WILL be so glad once you are free but we also know it isn't an easy road to start on. I used to call each awful thing the ex did a 'coffin nail'! They built up and up until I knew it was NOT me, I did NOT have to hide it any more, I had NO REASON to be ashamed for what someone else did to me, and I became angry about it.
The people on this thread are your supporters, here to listen and cheer for you. No-one is yelling LTB like some other threads (although we hope one day you will manage it!), we are investing our time in you willingly because we have been through it too.
Do you have no-one at all you could trust a little, even a friendly looking neighbour? I'm racking my brains - hospital volunteer drivers, have you thought of that to get you to appointments?

Twillow · 24/09/2019 22:00

One of us could even live near you!

Twillow · 24/09/2019 22:00

I know you won't want to reveal where you are so I'm going to pm you where I am x

plantlife · 24/09/2019 22:14

I keep trying to write a reply but then deleting it. I can't think straight right now, I've been going round and round in my head everything, my fears, am I paranoid. I think I need to focus on trying to get there tomorrow so I'm going to try for an early night. I've taken a sleeping pill. I wish I could 100% explain and express how grateful I am for the support you've given me. I really really, it's helped. Thank you.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 24/09/2019 22:35

Sleep well OP.

WellThisIsShit · 24/09/2019 23:08

Sleep well.

I’m checking back too, my choice, because I care how you’re doing. I have a lot to deal with at the moment, so can’t post as much or as often as I’d like to, but I do care and I am definitely cheering you on.

You sound like a lovely person, who is suffering greatly. And you don’t deserve to suffer.

But oh it’s so hard to get through this bit and out to the other side.

I’m imagining it’s like two fields, separated by a thorny hedgerow. You are in a horrible muddy field, all churned up, with rugs and deep puddles, so hard to move, you are stuck in the squished up mud and stink of cow pats. And worse, there’s a bull in your field. A huge, unpredictable, mean old bull with horns and massive hooves and he’s so angry he’s got spit frothing and dripping from his mouth. And those horns... and those massive shoulder muscles, you can see the strength in him as he grinds the dirt with his hooves, staring at you...

And over the hedge is a beautiful field. Short grass, wild flowers and blackberries around the edges. And a swinging gate at the end to lead you onto the road again too (the kind of gates people call ‘kissing gates’). There’s a wicker basket with little red checked napkins and a lovely soft picnic blanket with cushions all spread out. You know you could sit down and have a drink and fill your plate with nibbles and yumminess if only you could get there. You also know that the bull can’t get over there at all once you’re there.

But to get there you have to get through this hedge. And the hedge is prickly and dense and just, difficult and ruddy hard to push through. Especially when you’re frozen with fear. Perhaps it’s better to stay still so maybe the bull won’t charge. But... you can’t do that all day! What happens when you get tired? Or when the bull moves around the field a bit, he’ll see you any minute!

Soooo, you just have to climb, push and shrove your way through the damned hedge and get to the other side. You might get scratched. Prickled. You might rip your coat. Or even draw a bit of blood. But... it’s nothing compared to what that bull could do to you. And, that other field looks so nice! So peaceful. So gentle and calm. No fear, no mud, noworrying what happens next. And full of lovely things for you to explore, when you want to. At your own pace. And whenever you want to, you get to walk casually out and off to where ever else you want to go in the world... but you do have to unfreeze and get over that hedge first.

Do the tricky bit, and the rest will fall into place xxx

Whatisthisfuckery · 25/09/2019 09:24

Hi OP, how are you doing this morning? I hope you had a restful night and that you can get yourself out today. Please check back in when you’re able.

plantlife · 25/09/2019 11:42

I don't know how to explain this but your kindness is overwhelming. I'm so grateful but feel like I dont deserve it. I should try today to go to the walk-in clinic. I'm panicking it's too late. I think it's better getting there early. I'm a bit scared about waiting hours in a busy hospital. I'm also scared it will be for nothing, the consultant will dismiss me and not listen. I seem so crap with doctors and trying to stand up for myself. I planned to be up early today but kept waking up in the night. Im still going to try to go today. I'll try to update later. He's being a bit off with me in messages, makes me nervous. Thanks you for being so nice. I love your example of the bull and the fields, WellThisIsShit. I'm going to try to keep that in my thoughts.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/09/2019 12:21

Can you take a book or magazine when you have to wait? I sometimes write down things to say.
You DO deserve it.

cakeandchampagne · 25/09/2019 12:30

The waiting isn’t much fun, but you can handle it. Flowers

plantlife · 25/09/2019 13:46

I failed again. I know time's running out before he's back. It's too late to go today. It's only a daytime clinic and closes early. I'm so stupid. It doesn't help I'm a bit hungry. I didn't get a new supermarket delivery. I thought I'd be out today. I'm panicking he knows what I was planning. Probably just panic. Can the account payer, broadband, track internet usage?

It's not the waiting as much as feeling scared of other people there. Just because I'm not physically fully functioning. It makes me feel vulnerable. Maybe someone aggressive would be there. Also so ashamed about the neighbours. They all know, all heard the incidents, and heard me shouting to myself (on my own, just venting), one of them talked to the others loads about it all. I know I'm panicking. I wish I could babystep going outside instead of this. It's been around 2 months and I know that sounds unbelievable. I suppose I have to just try again tomorrow. Maybe a really early night so I'm up bright and early. I'll get a takeaway today. Just won't think about the money!

OP posts:
cakeandchampagne · 25/09/2019 14:32

I’m sorry, I don’t recall you mentioning you’ve had trouble with aggressive strangers- do you live (or get medical care) in a rough area?
Flowers