Sleep well.
I’m checking back too, my choice, because I care how you’re doing. I have a lot to deal with at the moment, so can’t post as much or as often as I’d like to, but I do care and I am definitely cheering you on.
You sound like a lovely person, who is suffering greatly. And you don’t deserve to suffer.
But oh it’s so hard to get through this bit and out to the other side.
I’m imagining it’s like two fields, separated by a thorny hedgerow. You are in a horrible muddy field, all churned up, with rugs and deep puddles, so hard to move, you are stuck in the squished up mud and stink of cow pats. And worse, there’s a bull in your field. A huge, unpredictable, mean old bull with horns and massive hooves and he’s so angry he’s got spit frothing and dripping from his mouth. And those horns... and those massive shoulder muscles, you can see the strength in him as he grinds the dirt with his hooves, staring at you...
And over the hedge is a beautiful field. Short grass, wild flowers and blackberries around the edges. And a swinging gate at the end to lead you onto the road again too (the kind of gates people call ‘kissing gates’). There’s a wicker basket with little red checked napkins and a lovely soft picnic blanket with cushions all spread out. You know you could sit down and have a drink and fill your plate with nibbles and yumminess if only you could get there. You also know that the bull can’t get over there at all once you’re there.
But to get there you have to get through this hedge. And the hedge is prickly and dense and just, difficult and ruddy hard to push through. Especially when you’re frozen with fear. Perhaps it’s better to stay still so maybe the bull won’t charge. But... you can’t do that all day! What happens when you get tired? Or when the bull moves around the field a bit, he’ll see you any minute!
Soooo, you just have to climb, push and shrove your way through the damned hedge and get to the other side. You might get scratched. Prickled. You might rip your coat. Or even draw a bit of blood. But... it’s nothing compared to what that bull could do to you. And, that other field looks so nice! So peaceful. So gentle and calm. No fear, no mud, noworrying what happens next. And full of lovely things for you to explore, when you want to. At your own pace. And whenever you want to, you get to walk casually out and off to where ever else you want to go in the world... but you do have to unfreeze and get over that hedge first.
Do the tricky bit, and the rest will fall into place xxx