is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Hope you have made it outside for a bit.

I did make it outside finally! I went to the local shop, which is just around the corner. Sounds so pathetic as it's such a normal thing but it felt amazing. I felt so nervous especially about the neighbours but immediately felt better once out. He was away that night too. I hate to admit it but my confidence came back. I keep feeling so scared of being alone and lonely but I felt so much more confident.

I know I'm going backwards and forwards. Hopefully I'll start to move forwards more permanently at some stage soon. I got to that point I before, just before I started this thread. It took ages to get there and then the old doctor messed up the plans. I know I'm being extremely slow trying to get to that point again but I guess I just keep trying. It will be hard being without hugs and things like that.

It’s normal to go backwards and forwards. Totally normal.
I’m so glad you got outside. Not a small thing and so important.

Well done getting out & to the shop!!

Thank you. Thank you for understanding. I plan to try again on Monday to go to the shops. I think it might help with everything if I can keep it up, getting out a bit more regularly.

Read the last sentence in your first paragraph. The one about feeling better when he’s not around. That’s not your ‘head’ speaking to you but your gut feeling. Your gut feeling is right. You just need to trust it.

Plant - don’t forget it was your gut feeling that nudged you into starting this thread.

Sooooo glad you’ve made it out to the shop. Get out again if you can. A bit of fresh air works wonders.

Oh well done, Plant! You can do it, and we're all here to glory in your renaissance and encourage you. I do NOT mean push you or bully you. We all know that it takes time, a slow build up of confidence. You will get there. I believe in you

@plantlife - just checking in to see if you’re ok.

Thank you for being so kind and thinking of me. I know it's groundhog Day with me. I can't help feeling bad that I've not moved forwards. I know I've said this before and people here have been nice about it but I can't help it. I messed something up and have had a few panics about various things but I'll keep trying to sort things however slow. I know there's an ever present (lowish) risk staying but I really need to feel and be as able as possible to fend for myself before going, especially as there's not always much of a safety net anymore.

I did a bit more FP finally. I know I'm in a slump but today I managed to snap out of it a bit. Hopefully that's a start. I always find January difficult for some reason.

Many people have some trouble with January. The weather is usually unpleasant, there are colds and things going around, and spring seems far away. Be kind to yourself- and keep doing what you can.

Glad you’re ok, @plantlife. January is the hardest month! I think many of us struggle through it. However, it’s February tomorrow... and the days are slowly getting lighter.
You are welcome to offload any problems if you think we might be able to help. A problem shared is a problem halved.

Talking of halves.... how is your other half? Is he behaving atm?

Plant, this is real life. No one sensible thinks you're suddenly going to turn into Superwoman, leap up, right the wrongs he's perpetrated and fight him to the floor, disabling him until he gets his just desserts!

You have a longer-term goal, and meanwhile you also have small steps to confidence. That with go up and down, as you have to fight to change a habit of 'no-confidence'.

Keep looking ahead, love, you'll get there one day.

Thank you so much. I'm really grateful.

He's being horrible again. Threatening and ordering me around. I feel so ashamed. It was very brief tonight but right now I wish I could just leave. I'm scared I won't get offered another viewing for a long time. It's dependant on someone moving out I guess so not that frequent. I saw the thread about social housing on MN. I've also read a few other threads about people experiencing similar to me with private rent. When I tried to leave him a few years ago and no landlord would take me as I wasn't earning full-time. I even had enough to pay upfront for about a year at that stage.

I know I'm panicking about worse cases. It's obviously not just housing stopping me leave as I panicked when the viewing was offered. I suppose the weekends are always endurance until he goes back to work. The fog lifted today earlier. I actually felt happy, I played some music. I'll try to start again in Monday. I know it's stupid but I'm scared about catching coronavirus. My health's not great so I guess I'm at more risk of it being bad if I got it. I'm not going to panic too much, nothing much I can do. But it made me think I don't want to die before escaping. I think I want to try to leave sooner rather than later.

I do hope you do. Soon.

I hope you have a safe weekend.
Don’t wait too long to call the police if you need help.

@plantlife - I’ve just picked up on something in another thread, and someone mentioned the charity Shelter.
They might be worth putting on your list as they can rehouse/ rehome people.
Look after yourself this weekend

I'm sorry, this has to be quick. He's been awful today. Didn't physically touch me but shouted loudly by my ear after I said it was hurting, yesterday he kicked the sofa again, threatened to kill me today and yesterday and talked about assaulting someone else (a man) he hates with a hammer. He's apologised now but I feel so stressed. I don't know how to leave. I know it seems unbelievable but genuinely my local services won't help. There's the one who said "that's life" when I asked if I had to choose between homelessness or abuse, and there's the other service who said they don't help with anything other than if you're going to court. Shelter were nice when I spoke but they can't house me. Maybe I should call again and see what help they can offer? I called the London number so I guess it's less easy for them to help.

I don't want to stay in London anyhow. Too close to him, his friends, my past, memories. Also I'm scared of the violent crime. I'm safer with him than that. I'm thinking my only option is asking a DV service in another area to help but they're not funded to help outsiders (from their area). I don't suppose they can help? I know all I can do is keep trying but I'm scared of asking and it being a no. I've had several refuge refusals so far. I'm scared o not having longer term housing and scared of refuges full stop but also it's not definite I can even get a space. I'm sorry I'm being down again. I know this is horrible but should I lie and say a family member or friend is in their area? I know that's wrong to lie. I'm a bit scared mess today. Scared about this coronavirus too on top of everything. I've always had some level of health anxiety (parents used be angry if I was ill) but I have health issues so feel more vulnerable and also I'm terrified of being ill with him around. I know it's annoying. I asked him to wash his hands before eating. I know it's nagging. I need to get a grip.

Sorry, just venting fears. I've seen there's going to be a webchat with Keir Starmer. Maybe I should ask him about housing for DV victims (I don't see myself as a survivor). But I'm scared of drawing attention to it in case my partner sees. He reads a lot of news. Sorry for rambling. I'm going to have a hot chocolate and try to calm down.

You need to find somewhere. You really do. Friends? Family? Any local refuges? Talk to CAB?
Is there any chance that you’re misunderstood the people you’re in contact with or aren’t making the situation as stark as it really is? Do they think you want a place all set up and keys in your hand before you move?
You aren’t safe with this man. You are in far more danger from him than from random strangers and certainly from the coronavirus.

The coronavirus isn’t an immediate threat to you, but your partner is.

I'm really sorry for panicking before. He's being really lovely again. I know I need to sort things out though. I'm not misinterpreting how the local services were but I know there's some very kind other places out there. It's been a stressful weekend I suppose. I'll try to pull myself together tomorrow and think about what I can do. Sorry for panicking.

You’re not panicking. When you say you were you’re minimising.
He threatened to kill you.

@plantlife - have you told your GP what’s going on at home? I would think that they would fast track you out of your present accommodation.

Show them this thread if you can’t bring yourself to explain it.

Please don’t stress about the virus. Put all your effort into getting out.
You are not safe.

If it’s any consolation, I’ve had an awful afternoon too. I’m so stressed. And exhausted. It’s no way to live.

If you do go to the GP, see if you can get a double appointment. That’ll give you a chance to explain better.

I'm sorry you've had a bad weekend too, ByeByeMissAmericanPie. You've been so kind and supportive to me. I really hope things get better for you. You sound so nice.

I'm sorry I'm too tired and rambly now. I can't think straight and think I should try to start afresh tomorrow. Please don't worry. I know it's not nice and it's so stressful when he has his tantrums, partly the shame about the neighbours hearing, but he's threatened to kill me quite a few times over years and never acts on it. He didn't touch me tonight or yesterday. Except cuddles.

I'm aware there's a risk but I think he just likes to shout nasty things rather than meaning it. There's some awful really violent crimes and people in terrible situations. So many people living in the streets. I'm lucky to have much better circumstances than them. I know it's not great and I need to be careful, and I will keep trying to work through a plan. Sorry for worrying you. I felt overwhelmed earlier and hopeless but I'm going to try to not panic and work out what to do, try to make some appointments. I suppose I just needed to voice my fears here. I want to try to go away and come back with better progress to update you on.

Just do one thing today, @plantlife.

Call the surgery. Make a double appointment with your GP or a female doctor.
That’s all. Xx