is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

@Wolfiefan What a cute puppy! Thanks for sharing a picture.

@Wolfiefan You have one seriously gorgeous puppy there!
Thank you for posting.

@plantlife. You are SO NOT betraying him every time you log onto the Freedom Programme. Keep at it, girl!
You know that a lot of this relationship is wrong... otherwise you’d never have posted your original ‘question ‘ to us. It’s totally understandable that you’re going to waiver, to get better, get worse, have bad days and good ones. Get brave. Get disheartened... you get the gist.

But along the way, you need to gain some knowledge and understanding of your situation and how he behaves and makes you feel as a result. That’s what the FP does. Just makes these lightbulbs pop up in your head - in a good way!

It’s great that you’re managing to get out. It’s proven somewhere how much mentally better we feel from being outside. Do it whenever you can.

Happy New Year Plantlife.

May this year be the one where your life changes and you get to blossom. Xx

I hope so too OP.

@plantlife Happy New Year!

Thank you so much. I wish you all a happy new year too.

He's back at work on Monday. Actually got through last night ok. I was dreading it. He's being really nice at the moment but I know I have to keep making and sticking to plans. Very hard.

Thank you for thinking of me. I hope Wolfiepup is settling in well and getting on ok with older Wolfiepup.

Erm older Wolfie wouldn’t mind eating the little upstart at the moment. We are taking it slowly.
Wishing you the very very best for 2020. Hope you continue with the Freedom programme and start to find what makes you you again. And be treated how you deserve to be.

@plantlife - how are you?

I'm sorry. This is garbled self-pity rubbish. I wasn't going to bother anyone again because I'm too negative but today was awful. I know worrying will only make it worse. I'm driving myself mad with fear and focused on worse cases but I can't help it. I've spent my life being so scared of homelessness. He said again today how I need him for a home. Refuge are now sort of admitting if you don't have dependant children, it doesn't matter if there's dv, you don't have to be housed. I feel almost pleased as it validates me, I'm not just being paranoid. Admittedly they focused on London and other big cities, but anywhere is the same in law (in England, Scotland and Wales are better, although NI isn't).

I also think I can't bear never having children. The thought of being childless and single at my age makes me feel so so ashamed and useless. Please don't be offended anyone who's childless. I don't think people are worthless without children but I wanted them so much. The problem with housing just forces me to face my own pain about it. Sorry this is garbled. I can't think straight.

I've just read the Women's Aid reports on the new da bill. There's very little housing help. There was a DV murder in my area. The poor woman. It upset me reading it. It was in the local paper, he was sentenced (luckily he got a long sentence). I couldn't help wondering if she'd tried my local service and had a similar response to the one I had. Also she was a mother but of grown up children so faced the same inability to escape. Maybe it wasn't why she didn't leave but I can't help wondering.

I'm too scared to complete housing applications now. The risk of him being arrested but no housing.

At this stage I'd rather he hit me than be homeless. Problem is he knows that. I'm scared he'll leave.

Anyway, sorry so sorry for rambling and for being so negative.

I know you'll wish you hadn't asked how I was. I'm sorry. I genuinely only just came to post after a bad day with him, before I saw your response so I hope you don't think that's why I'm rambling.

Sorry, I really need to shut up. I shouldn't have posted such a long dull post. I'm so tired, today was wearing. I think it all fell out of me as I typed. I guess it's vented now, please just ignore.

I'm thinking it may be too late to help me, but I want to try to help others. I know it might anger people as it comes across as inappropriate for a parenting forum, but I was thinking of trying to raise awareness of the housing situation for women in DV situations without dependant children. I've realised this affects mothers (of children over 18 who aren't disabled) as well as childless people.

I absolutely know children are the number one priority. Please believe me. I don't think I'm as important, of course not. I'm struggling to conceive now and have very little if any time left to try, but in the past I desperately wanted children but chose not to under bad circumstances. For the sake of the never to be real children. I hope that makes sense. They are more vulnerable than adults.

I just wish there was help for women too. I know not everyone will care but I've noticed a lot of people (here and across media and social media forums) think/assume you are housed if fleeing DV. Many don't realise you have to have dependent children to guarantee that. Maybe no-one will care but at least if people know, it might help change things?

I know I need to sleep and calm down. It wasn't an easy day so I suppose I'm a bit more emotional right now. I wish I wasn't from London. I read the thread here from the woman who's pregnant and her London council offered her 6 months private let out of London. If I got that, I'd be homeless in 6 months. There would no longer be DV so no chance of any help at all. My health won't be better enough for full-time work in 6 months and after quite a few years out of the workplace I'll likely face struggles being given a job. So I'm panicking. I need him, at least until I'm well physically.
Sorry, I should shut up and go to bed. I'm rambling too much.

Please don't apologise. It is important to say how you feel here.
I don't think you are a lost cause. I understand how worried you are about homelessness but wonder if because of your fears you are seeing it as a bigger problem than it really is. You mention some problematic cases but are their any examples of women actually being housed appropriately?
For now, just work on getting a little bit stronger, going downstairs and out to shops etc when you can. Please keep posting here. You are a valuable person and your thoughts and feelings are important.

You shouldn’t shut up and you’re as important as anyone else.
This is YOUR thread. You can say what you like and be who you are. It should be a safe haven where you can express yourself and no one will judge you.
PS you’re not rambling and you sound so different from when you first posted. So much more of a purpose and clarity.

No you SHOULDN'T shut up. Please don't apologise, you don't need to here at any rate - people will just click on if that's what they're like. There'll be others who don't. Even if all you need is a vent, then vent, ramble and burble if that's what you need to do.

I agree with you about the difficulty in finding help when without dependant children. I think a lot of that is down to Austerity, and have some hope that things will change as we leave that behind.

Try contacting Jess Philips MP about that issue. She'll be a bit busy with the Leadership thing atm, but write to her anyway. Her address is House of Commons, London SW1A 1AA.

Nobody here thinks you should “shut up”.

Thank you so much. I appreciate the kindness so much. I'm so tired and I suppose a bit emotionally worn out. I think I'll try to pull myself together tomorrow, start trying to think about being strong enough to look at possible options. He's being nice today but I'm again so ashamed about facing the neighbours. I'm scared of him but also so scared of him leaving because, as he says, I need him for housing.

I was thinking of writing to a couple of MPs who might take an interest but I thought you had to be their constituent? I'd have to write anonymously with no address though. I doubt it will do anything because the report recommended not making DA support and accommodation a statutory requirement (funding constraints) but if I'm well enough to write, I've found the contact details for the DA bill committee.

I know I do still have some options, I think, (which might go if I don't take the step soon enough) if I'm strong and persistent but it just made me panic, and I suppose it's hard because of my own feelings about possible infertility/childless. Anyway, I'll try to regain strength tomorrow. I just wanted to thank you for being so kind after my last miserable posts. Thank you.

You vent here as much as you want to!

I hope there will be a bit more structure and rhythm to your days now we’re out of the holiday period. That’ll give you a chance to catch your breath. I’m guessing he’ll have gone back to work.

Apologies, because I have read the whole thread... but have you been directly in touch with Women’s Aid? They would have a very good idea of what you’ll be able to get in terms of accommodation.

I can't stop rambling, I'm so sorry. I know I should write clearly instead. I made some more calls today and googling. I don't know if this makes any sense but I'm thinking perhaps my need for housing isn't that urgent?

Obviously social housing, especially, in London, is very short supply so if there's any chance of it due to DV there needs police evidence or doctor. I haven't really got any. Just a few bruises the old GP saw but that's not recent and only my word he did it. I think I have a recording of him admitting it but it's over a year ago, and message threatening to throw acid in the male neighbour's face but I absolutely don't want him in trouble for that as he didn't mean it, it was meant to scare me when he was very upset. They said it all had to be recent. Which is fair enough.

The council I spoke today (the most honest) also said as a single applicant I'd likely just be given a 6 month private let, which they said I couldn't afford on benefits. They're right. I appreciated their honesty. The other 3 councils in London (including my own) refused to answer my questions.

I know it looks like I'm after social housing using DV as an excuse. I don't know what else to do if I try to leave him? He has never put me in hospital so surely he's safer than homelessness?

He's taken away any means I had of supporting myself. I won't be physically well enough to work full-time for ages (GP days I have to be patient) and I know I'm a mess mentally.

So I'm thinking my original plan of staying with him until I'm well enough to work and find private housing is my only option. If he lets me. Also thinking that although my situation is miserable, the violence isn't serious and so I'm not really urgent priority need anyhow. I'm stressing due to the fear of what he might do rather than real danger.

No. You’re not safe. You need to find a way to plan to leave. You sound exceedingly anxious and that won’t get better while you’re with him.

If you’d felt you had the freedom to go, you actually would have been in hospital many times.

As Wolfie said:

“You’re not safe. You need to find a way to plan to leave.”

I'm so sorry. You've all been so lovely and given me so (too) much of your time. I suppose I need to go away and try to think calmly, but I think things aren't as bad as you think.

I think I panicked about everything and I'm too focused on the past. It's down to me to stop being so worried and anxious. He hasn't seriously injured me and anyway he's not really doing anything much anymore. He's being very loving today. I could have so much worse. Life isn't perfect for anyone and so many people are much much worse off. I want to focus on what I've got in future instead of negatives.

I could spend time and energy on getting well instead of trying to find housing in my situation. It's about more than housing and money. I'm scared of being completely and utterly on my own whilst semi housebound. If we can't stay together long-term it's better that I wait until I'm able to get out and about. Otherwise I'd be totally isolated in an unfamiliar place. I think I've made him sound horrible but I've mentioned the very worse isolated incidents. Very few and far between. I'm difficult at times, not deliberately.

I'm sorry, I don't want to let you down. I will keep trying to sort things out, I promise, but I'm not in immediate danger. Thank you so much for letting me vent. I think it helps.

You are not the cause of his bad behaviour. It’s not because you’re “difficult”.
And he’s not being violent right now? He should never have been. You should never have to fear he might be.
You must continue with the Freedom programme. Your idea of what is ok in a relationship is so messed up. No one should ever make you feel anxious or worried that they may be violent. At all.

I can’t remember where I read this so I can give credit:
A woman was talking on the phone to emergency services about her violent, abusive partner.
She told them she was safe in a different room in the house, with a closed door.

Her partner was on the other side of the door with a loaded gun.
She knew this and considered herself “safe”.

I'm really sorry for worrying you. I genuinely don't think I'm at that level of risk but I promise I won't give up on trying to get things better. I'm still trying to plan things, work on my health and confidence. I'm sorry I panicked. I think I need to clear my head and try to start again tomorrow. I haven't done the freedom programme for a while so I'll try that tomorrow. I genuinely don't know if I'm exaggerating how he is because if housing fear. He definitely doesn't want to risk prison. Perhaps if I do more of the programme I can work it out. He fits some of the descriptions but not all of it so it's confusing but I haven't done much if it yet. Sorry and thank you again for your kindness. Please don't worry. I promise I'm not going to give up. It's just hard but so many other people have it hard to and they're strong, I know. I need to try too.

I don’t think many abusers tick all the boxes on the Freedom Programme, @plantlife. Most are a mixture, but often with a leaning towards a certain type. IYSWIM.
My H is very much a King of the Castle, with a few other bits thrown in. There are one or two that he hardly scores on!

Just keep on. You must have felt ready to at least think about your situation when you originally posted on here. It’s a safe space to mooch through your options, but I do feel that your ‘audience ‘ is a bit limited, due to the fact it’s not in Relationships. I hope you read through those threads as you’ll find a lot of similarities with your situation.

I’m really impressed that you’re making contact with the housing people, but worried you’ll talk yourself out of leaving. Have you tried making contact with Women’s Aid? They may be able to shed some light on the trickier aspects of your situation.

Apologies if you have contacted them. Haven’t the time to go through 8 pages of thread again...!

He doesn’t have to tick all the boxes of an abuser. You deserve someone who doesn’t tick any. You may not be in immediate risk of severe harm but that doesn’t make this a healthy and happy relationship that you should stay in for the future.