is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

None of this is your fault.
You are not responsible for his behaviour.
You don't have to tell us anything; we will be here anyway is you need us.

I will be thinking of you over Christmas, Plant. I like your user name, plants grow and blossom and you are beginning to do that.

Keep safe.

Thank you so much. I've really been overwhelmed by the kindness here. I did it! Messaged a few friends and they replied. I wasn't sure they would. One of them wants to meet. It's possible he'll be away when they're free so I think I could do it. I just hope he isn't around or I'd have to cancel. I'll feel very strange meeting. I'm really ashamed about what I've become. If I can meet, I don't know what to say, whether to say anything about him. It's a bit heavy to drop into conversation especially after not being in touch for so long. I'm also really scared he'll find out. Maybe just a brief catch up first time without telling them about the situation is best. Anyway, thank you so much for the encouragement here. I don't think I'd have tried to contact them if I hadn't had such kindness here. Thank you.

That’s great! Well done you. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all. I hope you do get to meet up.

Go for it, @plantlife.
You don’t need to give them the full story. But maybe tell them that it’s not been your choice to lose contact. If meeting up is hard, ask if at least you can maintain contact by text or email.

And YES to looking forward and beyond your present situation. Aim to volunteer with animals. It’s always good to have a goal.

As @Wolfiefan says, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

You said he’d prevented you from seeing friends for 10 years.

Can I ask how old you are, Plantlife?

Well done! I hope you able to meet soon- or at least stay in touch.

Thank you. I'm really hoping I can manage to meet although I'm also so nervous about it. I did used to keep in contact a bit until about 4 or 5 years ago but it was slowly getting harder. Not all down to him. My health didn't help. I think I sound younger than I am. I think maybe partly because I'm a bit like a child sometimes with him being in charge of me. Actually that's partly why I'm so ashamed. I should be settled in life by now. I'm sorry, I hope you don't mind me not saying my exact age. I know things I've said could already be outing but I suppose it's a bit of information I feel is giving even more away to anyone who possibly knows me or him. I'm also embarrassed. I'm sorry.

You have nothing at all to be embarrassed about. Nothing.

Don’t worry Plant. You’ll find your inner Mojo.
In fact it’s already starting to surface!

Embarrassment is misplaced here, but I do understand why you feel it. I thnk it's another strand of you being responsible for everything - if you behaved like X then he wouldn't need to hit you so it's your fault and he is blameless. That type of thing.

The embarrassment is actually his. He should feel it as he is the one at fault, but he has done what every abuser does and made it all you. It's not.

I know it's not easy, but keep reminding yourself that it's not your fault, you have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

You are GOLD. You are precious. You deserve to be cherished.

Thank you for being so kind. I can't help it. I feel so deeply ashamed about everything. I used to feel this way when younger too. Anyway, I don't know if this is good news or bad. He's gone to his parents for Christmas. They don't like me. They used to but after he was arrested he told them I controlled him and abuse him. They hate me now. It's a relief not to have to be on edge with him drinking but it feels a little lonely too. I want to go out for a walk but I'm so embarrassed walking past the neighbours. Especially embarrassing that he's away so they'll know I'm on my own. I'm enjoying it, the freedom to relax, and I've got lots of food in, so I know I need to try to ignore them.

I got an email from the housing association. I hope they don't think it's worse than it is. They mentioned domestic abuse helplines, etc. She was very kind and I'm going to be invited to the next viewing. They don't know when it will be yet. It all feels so unreal. I was missing his hugs so much yesterday but then I remembered a few things he'd done and the fear. Anyway, thank you all again so much. I don't feel I deserve the amount of kindness shown. I hope you all have lovely Christmases. You've been so kind.

@plantlife Merry Christmas!

You deserve kindness. Of course you do. I hope you manage to get out for a walk. Enjoy a peaceful and safe Christmas.

Happy Christmas Plant! Enjoy some ‘me’ time.

Glad the housing people have got the gist of your situation, and will be helpful and (excuse pun) accommodating as you move into the new year.

Thank you. I hope you had a good Christmas.
It felt lonely at first. He got me lots of really nice presents and I was missing the hugs, but then I ended up having a really nice relaxed day without him. I would've been on edge all day if he was here. I don't know when he's back. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. I'm not allowed to ask him as he says it's up to him. I'll renew efforts in the new year. Scary as it is. Anyway, thank you so much again. It's been a good day.

Happy Christmas, plantlife. I'm so glad you had a peaceful day, and hope you have many more to look forward to. Asking when he'll be back is a very, very normal thing; even mere flatmates ask each other questions like that. It's courteous to let people you live with know when you're going to be away, and about how long for.

It's all part of the abuse. When you get away, you begin to unfurl, and then little leaves and buds will come.... I cna't wait to see what colourful flowers you grow ⭐️⭐️⭐️

I really really love that idea, of blossoming. Thank you for making me feel positive. I was feeling old and worn and broken. I never really thought much about my username. It's special to me now as this thread has really helped me think things through and vent fears, worries, issues.

I suppose its the trauma bond? Maybe too the length of time we've been together, how cut off from the outside world I've been, and how dependant I've become on him. Anyway, I can't help feeling horribly guilty, but I know I need to renew all efforts to safety leave.

I've felt lonely at times and missed the hugs but today I felt almost normal. I went to the shops again! I couldn't go far but I felt in control of my recovery (health-wise). I felt relaxed this evening. I feel so horrible saying this but I'm dreading his return. I care about him so much but I'm frightened of him. I know I'll have to hide any kind of progress with my health, and also hide any confidence. I'm still so scared about the thought of going to a refuge (and I know places go fast) but I'm trying to mentally prepare. Ideally I'd get a place with the housing association but I can't rely on somewhere coming up soon. There's a few potential flashpoints coming up in January. It's been a lovely break from reality at least.

My old friend wants to try to meet soon. I really hope it's when he's not around. I've had to say I'm not free weekends or evenings. I hope she doesn't think I'm putting him first. She's got some time off work so hopefully we can meet daytime without him knowing.

It’s brilliant you went to the shops. Dreading him returning is a completely normal response. I do so hope you manage to meet up with your friend. Would be wonderful if 2020 is the year it all changes for you.
Apologies if I disappear for a bit. New pup came home yesterday. Xx

Plantlife - it’s quite normal to dread their homecoming, but to want it as well. That’s what our ‘normal’ is. But it’s not very normal to others.

Just keep doing what you’re doing. Keep your head down. Stay safe.

Keep on with the Freedom Programme if you’re still doing it, and please take a look on the MN Relationship boards. You’ll find you’re not alone, and there is some excellent advice. (However, I appreciate it’s safer for your thread to remain here)

Well done getting out to the shops again!!

I hope you get a safe time to meet with your friend soon.
Until then, I hope you can keep texting each other often and stay in touch.

I hope you get to see your friend, it'll do you good. I bet she has more of an idea of why you can/can't meet than you give her credit for.

I'm glad you enjoyed my metaphor xx

@Wolfiefan - any chance of a pic of new addition to household.??

@ByeByeMissAmericanPie
My little one!

Thank you for the lovely picture! What a beautiful pup! I hope she/he settles in well.

Thank you again everyone. He's back tomorrow so I'm going to try to get out for a brief walk earlier in the day. I had to rest today.

I need to do more freedom programme. I feel like I'm betraying him every time I log on but I know I should keep at it.

I really hope you can leave your situation too, ByeByeMissAmericanPie.

You’re not betraying him. You’re doing what is right for you.