is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

I guess I really am being difficult or panicking or both. I can't be long now but thought I might as well update. I wasn't sure whether to say anything as I'm so unsure what to do. Anyway maybe everyone's right. It really isn't about housing or at least it's definitely not the only issue? I feel really spoilt now but I'm just panicking. I've been invited to another viewing. I didn't expect anything so soon.

I am still so so frightened of being homeless but I've realised I'm also so attached and emotionally dependent on him. I don't know what to do. This sounds so spoilt but I'm scared as it's on the ground floor. I also really don't want to stay in London. I think I'd feel safer and happier leaving but there's the local connection problem. Maybe I'm panicking too much.

Anyway I need to reply to them. I know you'll all think I'm ridiculous and my own worse enemy if I don't go. But I don't know about coping on my own on ground floor. I'm scared of break-ins. I know it sounds stupid but he's very protective of me, he'd never let anyone else hurt me. If I go to the viewing and turn it down, I'll be off their list so I only think I should go if I seriously think I could take it.

Maybe I should hold off until I've had my hospital procedure and done more freedom programme? I'm sorry for being infuriating.

Thank you all by the way. ByeByeMissAmericanPie, I think you're right. I need to speak to Women's Aid again. Maybe I need to consider a refuge for the support before I'm ready to live on my own? I've read some of Relationships threads. Its depressing there's so many abusers out there. It's fantastic that people get support though on the board and I know it's inspiring seeing people have left, but sometimes I feel even more ashamed because many threads there people do leave. Which is so good for them of course. I also really hope you can get away too. I suppose mainly the reason I'm here in this part of MN is the safety. I feel safe in this little quiet corner. I know it's still public but it's a nice quiet corner. I feel happy like that in real life too. Partly why I want to leave London completely. I want to hide away somewhere quiet and non busy.

Sorry for the ramblings. I need to log off now but I'll have to think hard about what to do with the viewing.

Don’t feel ashamed and don’t think you’re infuriating. Not at all.
He has you conditioned to think you need him and that, despite the abuse, you’re better off without him. That’s what abusers do. I hope that continuing with the Freedom programme will help you to see that.
Could Women’s Aid advise if there is any chance of a space in a refuge somewhere away from him for a fresh start? Would that interrupt your treatment for your health condition?

I don’t think anyone here is thinking anything unkind about you.
We just want you to be safe & happy.

And we hope you will find a way to
create a life that is safe & happy.

Yes maybe a Refuge would be a better start for you, and give you a chance to consider your options of a longer term London or ‘non London’ location . Also while you’re in there, you’ll be supported all the way. They’ll never turf you out.

It would be a good stepping stone. I do get why just moving into another flat on your own is a seriously daunting prospect. Health wise I’m in a better place than you, and I find it terrifying.

Maybe concentrate on getting hold of Women’s Aid?

(And if you want a change of subject, look up Co Dependancy. I’m definitely guilty of this, and you’ve suggested that maybe it’s a problem for you too... )

Oh, and no bashing yourself around the head apologising for stuff!

People spend a loooong time leaving their partners. Some I think just Snap, and some need more time.

However, please don’t forget that your OH can be a dangerous person. You need to stay safe.

Contact WA and tell them the full story. Warts and all. You’ll definitely qualify for help. No question.

You don't need to worry about what we think of you. Most of the women here know exactly what it's like when the scales on your eyes lift a little and a crack of light shines through singing "this isn't right". At first it's easier to minimise - that's what he's trained you to do anyway and that's what you have had to do for so long. So that's what you do. It's not good or bad, it's what people do when they're facing a big change, human nature. Some women go through that shock many times before they actually leave. We know what it's like, plantlife.

At the moment you have so much on your plate. Maybe start by fighting the minimisation? 'It's not so bad', 'others have it worse', 'if I wasn't so difficult' and all that. It is so bad. So what if others have it worse, you don't want to hang about until your abuse is the equal of theirs, what use is that?! You're not difficult, he's just horrible to you.

Women's Aid sounds like a good idea to me, and the Freedom Programme. You don't have to suddenly become an independent person whom nothing in life phases, but you've made a start and you can build on it.

I've found a quote for you, @plantlife.
Hold onto it x

Thank you for being so patient and kind and understanding. I'm annoying myself with indecision so can only imagine how irritating plenty of people might find it.

I don't know what to do. I've been frozen with inaction all day. Haven't replied to the viewing invite. I'm nervous about travelling to the viewing on top off all my other fears. I don't know if speaking to the doctor might help? I don't know what they can do though. I've taken diazepam before as one offs to help me with difficult medical appointments like smears but I don't think I'll get any as I'm currently taking sleeping pills and codeine.

Even if it's down to his past behaviour, I'm now a mess. I'm scared of being all on my own unable to cope. There's been several times over the past few years where I would have had no food or medication if it wasn't for him. I don't suppose I'm normal anymore, and what if I'm too far gone? I think I was getting confident again but then the the incident with my old doctor and being housebound for three months. I'm used to hiding away now. It's shameful but I wear my pyjamas most days all day.

I don't think I should miss the chance of at least viewing the flat. Something deep inside tells me he's not safe even though it's hard to accept. I read through some of this thread and also looked at messages he's sent that I've kept, and I listened to recordings.

But genuinely I've long felt nervous about ground floor flats especially in places of high crime like London. I've turned into a frightened person. I know I'm scared of too much of normal life. I've got worse. I don't know what to do. I think the housing association will see it as not being such urgent priority if I keep not making viewings. I don't know whether to try to go or if I should be honest about ground floor fear?

I'm thinking ground floors are often in demand, especially for disabled people so maybe the housing people won't mind if I miss this one. Or it would be easier to swap if I do get it then want to transfer somewhere else at a later stage.

Such rambled thoughts sorry. This is my other issue. I'm waiting for him to get home with food. I suppose I can manage without him? I think I'm scared about viewing the flat also because I've not been able to go oudoors for over a week. Physical health but I suppose it's become psychological too - as I'm so used to being inside, it becomes my safe and normal.

That's such a lovely quote, thank you! Sorry, I posted before I saw your post. Also so sorry for again writing such long dull rambling posts.

Thank you again. I need to break out of this and regain some strength. I suppose if I could try to go round the block tomorrow Is feel better. I'm feeling scared about travelling to the viewing - if I go. Hopefully if I get out tomorrow just for a bit, I'll feel more confident. Maybe I should be honest with the housing people. I'm scared they'll throw me off the list for being picky. The viewings early as well so I'd have to travel before rush hour ends. I'll try to think of the quote to keep me going. Thank you.

Just keep that quote tucked up your sleeve, @plantlife.

Meanwhile, call the housing people and have a chat with them; if you've been honest with them about your situation, they should understand why you feel very worried about seeing a ground floor flat.

Jobs to do tomorrow -

Get some clothes on, do your teeth, brush your hair and take a short walk outside. Doesn't need to be far.

Call Womens Aid

Its great that you're listening to your gut - because its telling you he's dangerous.

That’s a great quotation. Please, please don’t think you’re irritating anyone. Why would we continue to post if we were annoyed? (Hopefully our posts come across as caring not irritated!)
Do be honest with the housing people. It’s the only way they can truly help you.
Never mind being in your PJs. PJs are good! But if not going out is partly a MH thing then do try and seek support for that too. It’s another step closer to being independent.

Thank you. Your posts have been wonderfully kind, overwhelmingly so. I'm irritating myself though so I'd understand if anyone was. I'm going to try to take the advice here.

Tomorrow I plan to get outside. I know I'll feel so much better. I think I've just completely lost my confidence. My physical condition means I can't just spontaneously go out. I have to plan and prepare. I don't feel free. Then there's the need to plan it around him. Maybe that's unfair as he's really encouraging me to go out recently, but in the past he's been awful if and when I do. I think he's genuinely trying his best but I'm not sure. Facing the neighbours is hard. I feel so ashamed and nervous about them. What they heard on Sunday probably sounded worse than it was. I'm embarrassed too about my appearance. I found it so hard for ages being stuck in, but now it feels safer hiding away.

I think I've forgotten how to be normal but I'll try to baby step tomorrow.

I'll bite the bullet and call the housing people tomorrow. She seemed really nice when I spoke last time. I think I might be ok in the ground floor. I think I'm just scared and panicking about it all. I also don't want to hurt him. Despite all the bad stuff, he's done do much for me, and I know he only does the horrible stuff because he's scared of being hurt. I know I have to get safe, I still wish it could be different.

He doesn’t do horrible stuff because he’s scared of being hurt. He really doesn’t. Keep up with the Freedom programme.

I've had a wake up call. I'm so upset with myself. I panicked but actually I started feeling attached to the flat. It's ground floor but it was a nice quiet road. It's too late now. The viewing date was changed and I missed it. I didn't check my emails.

The wake up call is that just after I saw the missed viewing email, I had a call from someone. I've got to ask/tell him something and he's going to be angry about it. I'm too scared to tell him but if I don't they'll call him.

I'm sorry for talking in riddles. I'm scared the people involved will recognise this. I know that's overcautious but I'm scared. Anyway I've realised the wake up call, that I was so worried about hurting him and leaving him. But, although he's being nice now once I tell him what I need to, he's going to go mad, and he'll threaten me with homelessness, as he's done so much before. I know I'll have to let him hit me in he wants to because of this fear.

So I won't mess up any new housing chances. I promise I'm going to seize any opportunity if it's not too late. I've spoken to a mental health helpline. I think I need help with my confidence. I can't stop thinking about the neighbours when I try to go out. I'm so ashamed and nervous about them. So I'm going to get help. I spoke to a mental health helpline and the national domestic violence one. Both the helplines and the housing association were very nice so I feel better about help.

You do so need help with your confidence. And I’m so so sorry you missed the viewing.
Is it better or worse if someone else tells him? Do you have a plan if he does hit you? You need to keep yourself safe. Even if that’s calling the police.
Sod the neighbours! Anyone who judges you for being unwell and having a violent partner is beyond twisted. Wish you were my neighbour. I would only want to see you safe and well.

Do you have a picture of yourself (or an item, or a special memory) from a better time, when things were less complicated?
It might help to keep reminding yourself you can feel that way again.

I really wish I could show how much I appreciate all the support I've had here (and the helplines). Thank you so much.

I'm not going to tell him until Monday. There's more places open then so it's easier to get the support I might need. It's definitely better if it comes from me. I really can't cope with the police so I'm just going to try to be really good over the weekend, keep him calm. I want to get telling him over with but it's safer waiting.

I think maybe it's sort of good what's happened with this thing I have to tell him. Just that I was and am struggling with thinking about leaving him. The fear I have about this is forcing me to face that it's not safe with him. It's so hard to accept so maybe it's helpful being reminded.

I don't have many old photos. He had some really nice photos of me from when we first met but he won't send them to me and now says he's lost them. When he was away I listened to music and that actually made me happy. I even danced around the living room in my pyjamas. I'd like to do that again if I get a new place to live. I was looking at an animal charity I support. I live seeing the animals there and I like to think about helping them more in the future.

I'm also meant to be meeting up with my friend who got in touch next week. I don't know if I'll be able to but I think it would help maybe seeing her.

Oh that would be great. Animals are my therapy! (I’m also on pills!) Walking my dogs or cat cuddling those waiting in rescue. It’s so therapeutic. As is music. I know I’m slipping when I realise I’ve stopped listening to music in the car. Stay safe lovely.

Dancing is my favourite exercise... seriously! It’s also a good stress buster too. I’m delighted you had a good session.

Stay safe this weekend. Don’t forget the quote above. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting a bit brighter.

Come back if you can and let us know if you’re ok.

But if he kicks off, it’s 999. Do not risk it. He’s capable of great harm. Promise me you’ll call the police. He’s done more than enough already to be taken in by them

@plantlife - I keep meaning to say that you could always show someone this thread, so you don’t have to explain. The police, your GP or the housing people. It shows a good timeline and it means everything that’s happened is documented and in one place.

Feel free to add more stuff and treat it like a diary. A lot of people do.

Thank you again so much. I'm ok. He was nice this evening and I'm not going to tell him the thing until Monday. I think I may have found a way around it actually so I may not need to.

I feel a bit stronger about leaving now. I think and I hope. It's easier emotionally to face leaving when I'm scared of him. It's a good motivator. I'm so upset and angry with myself. I messed up a wonderful opportunity today. I looked up the flat and saw the outside on Google maps. It looked like a lovely flat and street.

I know if there's a serious emergency I'd have to call the police but I really don't want to if possible. I don't feel strong enough to cope with police action. I think the fear of leaving is linked a bit to this. I'm scared of what he'll do to me or to himself. I'm still hoping to leave in a non emergency so there's less for him to be angry or upset about. It's down to me to be strong enough to go through with my plan. I'm going to try to get help on Monday with the mental health confidence. I promise I would call them if I had to but he's not done any serious violence for ages. He knows he can threaten homelessness or just do minor physical stuff with less evidence so he doesn't need to do anything worse. As long as I don't provoke him.

Anyway, thank you again and please don't worry. I promise I will call them if I have to. I have called them on the past so I suppose I do have some self preservation left. He's being nice so should be ok as long as I don't antagonise him.

@plantlife - I'm sure the DV advisory lines would always suggest you left him while he was out of the house. Don't EVER think he's going to come round to your way of thinking.

It really won't matter how cross he is, because a) you won't be around to see it and b) he won't know where to find you.

We all know (you, me and everyone else on this thread) that you should not have to tip toe around your partner in order to keep him 'nice'.

It’s so sad that you feel you need to not antagonise him. I really hope you start to see that’s not normal and not ok.
And minor physical stuff? Please don’t minimise. The only way anyone should be touching you is to show affection or comfort you. With your permission. You deserve that.
You are NOT responsible for him. Not for his actions, his emotions or the consequences he has to face. If he threatens to hurt himself? Just another form of abuse and control.
Do you ever look back at your first few posts? Can you see a difference? I do.

I just thought I'd let you know I think the immediate problem is sorted. I hope I'm not tempting fate by posting that. I managed to sort things without telling him so that's a massive relief. Regarding my fears about him possibly hurting himself if I leave. He's never said he'll harm himself if I leave, it's more that I know what he's like. He's said occasionally about hurting himself when I've been upset after incidents but really it's just I know he could be self destructive especially with his drinking. He's depressed. I know people say I shouldn't worry but I can't help caring. I know I still have to be safe. It's incredibly hard. He does have his family and friends so should be ok, I think.

He's being mostly really nice at the moment. I know I still need to keep trying to prepare for a different future. It's been so frantic the past few days. I still haven't had a chance to do more freedom programme. I probably won't get a chance tomorrow but should be able to finally do some on Thursday. I still haven't been able to meet up with my friend either. I was thinking of trying to arrange a coffee but I'm feeling nervous about it all. I shouldn't worry but I'm ashamed of how I look now. I also feel shy about meeting her.

I haven't read through my earliest posts for ages. Maybe I should. I think I'm a bit more confident than I was. I was feeling very hopeless and alone. I'm extremely grateful for the support I got. It really has helped, even alhough I haven't left yet. Thank you so much again.