is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

He's being nice for now so I should make the most of that
Think of you telling yourself that this next year... this time in 5 years time...10 years time... Maybe with kids in the mix.

That is no way to live!

I get it. I really do, Plant. You need to work in a way that doesn't arouse his suspicion - but have you told them about your situation...?

They will be HUGELY more understanding if they know. There is so much competition for housing, you need all the support you can get.

I'm really upset and angry with myself. I should have made an excuse to him. I'm just really scared about setting him off when he's off work and he's out drinking later. He has less fear of being arrested when drunk especially if there's no work the next day. I need to keep him calm. I need to leave him, I know.

I did tell them. I haven't gone into details but I mentioned DV when I applied to go on the list. I explained why I couldn't do the viewing. She was really nice and seemed to understand. I'm worried she'll refer to police but hopefully not. She said only if immediate danger. I suppose, hopefully, another viewing will come up reasonably soon. Hopefully in the same area as thus one. Some of their flats are near his work so that's no good.

He's in the other room so I think I should log off.

The four above you on the list might not show up, or might have their own reasons for not wanting it.
Don’t let your place on a list discourage you.

Keep yourself safe.

I would ring them back asap and see you can still do the viewing. They know and will have seen it before.

Sorry, forget about my posts. I missed some of your replies

People who really care don’t act like him. Their partners don’t feel frozen or worried about how they will behave when they’ve been been out drinking.
You need to make every effort to get yourself safe.

I feel like I've let people down. I'm sorry. I've had such kind support here and I've been moaning on about my fear of being homeless. Then I don't go to a viewing. I genuinely would have gone if he wasn't around. I'm so scared of leaving but I know I can't afford to turn down opportunities. I know I wasn't top of the list but I think it would help me feel confident just seeing flats. I know I can't afford to lose any other chances. I hope I haven't completely messed up. She seemed to understand. I don't want her to think it's worse than it is though. He's being really nice so maybe he'd have been ok if I'd gone out. It might really all be in the past. I feel so guilty because he's being lovely. I know I still have to leave. I'm going to try to forget about this failed viewing now though. I'm driving myself mad with regret. I'm going to go away and hopefully not comes back here until I've made real progress. Thank you all so much again for the kind support and advice (I promise I'm taking it in).

Plant - it can take many goes at leaving a relationship before it finally happens. Cut yourself some slack and just take baby steps. Don’t beat yourself up.

You are definitely not letting us down. Just keep on with the Freedom Programme and make what plans you can.

You haven’t let anyone who encourages you here down.
We care about your happiness & safety, and will continue to encourage you.

And anyone (including the viewing lady) who knows anything about domestic violence understands your partner is ‘really nice to you sometimes’.

You don’t need to go away.
You’ve let nobody down.
This isn’t about us!!!!
If you regret it can you use that to spur you on to get to the next viewing?

Thank you so much for understanding and for being so kind. Thank you. I feel a bit sick about not taking the chance. I'm scared I won't get another one. They went to the trouble of arranging an earlier time for me then I couldn't go. I did tell them why but I hope they understood. I genuinely would have gone if he'd not been around. I know I was relatively low on the list but I definitely would have gone. I just don't know how I'd have done it when he was around.

I feel so guilty because he's being very very nice but I know I need to try to leave. He's away for two nights and my confidence came back. I went to the shops. I wish the viewing had been today. I feel so upset about the prospect of leaving but then I feel fear about what could happen if he gets angry again. I don't suppose there's much I can do over Christmas so I plan to do more of the freedom programme. I haven't done it for a week now. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this post to be so long. I'm tired and rambling more. I really just wanted to thank you all.

Well done getting out to the shops!

Use the time you have on your own to make any calls you need to make, and curl up on the sofa with a bit more Freedom Programme.

And excellent news on making it to the shops. Does he get the grocery shopping done, or can you go out on your own?

Do carry on with the Freedom programme. That’s a great use of your time.
And can you plan how you will get to the next viewing? He may be around then too. Can you get out anyway?

I felt almost normal! I went to the shops again yesterday. It's weird. I feel so much more free to just do normal things like that, but I felt a bit sad too without him. I'm not on edge but miss having someone to hug and go out with, drinks or just a walk together. Especially around Christmas.

He does the food shopping usually. He shouts and gets angry about paying for me but then when I make it out myself or get an online delivery, he doesn't seem happy. He'll insist on getting it.

I really don't know how I could go to a viewing if he's around. I don't think I'd get away with it. I'm hoping I'm not that unlucky, so hopefully he'll be at work. Usually he works 9-5 sort of hours weekdays.

The thing is that eventually you need to find a way to leave. So you need to try and cover as many eventualities as you can.
Someone to hug? Why would you want to hug someone who shouts at you and gets angry over you having food to eat.
Keep going on the Freedom programme.

Its nice having hugs I suppose, whoever they're from. He's being nice as well so it's nice to just make the most of that. I really don't know what to do if he was here when (if) another viewing comes up. I think it was particularly risky this time. He was off work and having Christmas drinks. He was violent last year after Christmas drinks. I didn't want to give him an excuse. He's not off work much so unless I'm really unlucky I should be ok for the next viewing (if I get offered one). I suppose if not, I'd have to accept trying to get a refuge place and then taking things from there. It feels very wrong thinking about this. He's being nice.

I'll think about it all over Christmas but also take a little bit of time out to try to relax before reality returns.

Plant, I hope you can manage to get out of this relationship soon. Please keep safe. He is abusive and even his sometimes 'niceness' is part of that as it keeps you confused and drawn in rather than just being able to leave.
Hope 2020 is a great year for you.

That’s why he’s nice. To make you feel like you have to put up with it when he isn’t. It’s a deliberate ploy. He’s not a nice person. Or he wouldn’t ever be violent. He’s acting nice so you don’t leave and then he can start to be vile again.

You know how to get some truly loving “hugs”.
Get out of that bad relationship and get a dog.

I'd so so love to have a dog. It's hard when renting. If I can't have one, I want to volunteer at animal shelters if I make it through this. I remember that suggestion in this thread. I'd love to help the animals.

I know I was/am completely scared about leaving him, but please believe me. I absolutely would have viewed the flat if he hadn't been around. I don't know how I could have gone. I'm really careful about setting him off when it's a holiday period. He drinks more, is less controlled if angry, and he knows any arrest wouldn't affect his work as it's closed for Christmas. He doesn't want to be arrested again (I suppose no one does) but I didn't want to risk it.

He's staying with a friend this weekend so I have some time to think things over, try to plan and prepare, and just relax a little. I won't waste the time. I feel like I'm betraying him writing here. He's being so loving in his messages and when we spoke. It's very hard emotionally. It's been so many years and I'm so attached. I know it's not ok though. I'm going to shut up and go away for now. I'm so grateful for all the kindness here. I just need to forget it all just for a few days. I'll start again after that.

Plant - why don’t you make that a New Years resolution?
Apply to volunteer in a local pet charity?
Tell your partner that’s what you’d like to do in the NYear. Plant the seeds of thought now in his head.

Maybe I should try to think of it as a goal to aim for to motivate me? There's no way he'd let me do it whilst I'm still with him, and my health isn't up to getting out everyday yet, but it's something nice to focus on for the future. Especially when I'm finding it so hard to emotionally think about leaving.

He's away until tomorrow. I was thinking of trying to get in touch with a friend to see if they're around to meet. I miss seeing friends. I don't know though. I don't even know if they're proper friends. Maybe they were more party/drinking friends. They don't know about what he does but they know about my health, but I think they think it's me just not bothering to travel to them/the meet-up place. I had to cancel last minute quite a lot in the past. I suppose he made it worse. My health wasn't as bad but he'd start on me the night before or morning of any planned meet ups. Anyway I got the impression the way they've been (the friends) that they've given up on me. I know they think I'm flaky. Even if they understood if I told them, I think too much time has passed to pick up friendship again. I tried for a few years whenever he was away to meet up. They were never free until he was back (or wanted to go somewhere I couldn't get to or couldn't afford to do), then I couldn't meet them when he was around and I think they got pissed off. They didn't even message me at Christmas last year. They got in touch a few months ago but then didn't reply to my messsges. I know he's told mutual friends I'm mad and that I have meltdowns and he's said I don't like going out. I'm also scared to contact them because of the mutual friends.

There were a couple of friends I do think I could trust, who would care, but I've lost their contact details. It's been nearly ten years.

Good luck! Maybe you can use those old contact details & whatever else you know about them to get in touch again.