is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Writing down is a good idea. Just make sure he can’t find it.
Shame your sister is overseas and sounds like your parents would be as bad as being with him. (Maybe the Freedom programme will give you more insight there.)
Stay safe over Christmas OP.

I'm really sorry. I wasn't going to post again, at least not for a while. I've just checked my emails and it feels too unreal and scary but I've been offered a viewing on a housing association flat. I'm on the list for a small housing association I was able to direct apply to (so not through council). Didn't expect anything to come of it. I've wanted a safe home for so long but now I feel like crying. The thought of leaving him. I feel so guilty and also so scared.

Anyway I suppose I can't afford to miss out on this chance. The problem is it's this week and he'll be around that day. I don't know how to get out without him being suspicious. It's nowhere near my area of London so I'd be gone a while. He's out the rest of the week mostly. I was thinking of asking them if I can go another time this week but don't think they'll agree. It's a group viewing with other people on the list. That's why I can't risk him being funny about me going out. I've no guarantee of being picked for the flat, the others may be higher on the list than me so I risk him being really awful over Christmas for nothing. He may be ok but he's so often awful after I'm out and about. I suppose it's worth trying to view. I'll try to think of some way of getting there. I may have to spend on a cab as I'm still physically not in the best state but I think it's worth it. Terrifying though. It's all very sudden and unexpected. I don't want to hurt him especially before Christmas. I'm probably not number one on the list anyway but if I am, I'd have to move in next week. I can't imagine being away from him. I suppose a refuge actually is less scary in a way. It'ss not permanent and easier to return to him.

Get yourself round there and have a look.
It could be a whole new life for you, if you want to take it.

Stop worrying about him. He doesn’t worry about you or care enough not to be abusive.
What about YOU???
You have been worried about being homeless. Now you’ve been offered the chance of a place. You need to at least look. God I wish you lived near me. I would take you to see it myself.

I think what I really want is things to be ok with him. I've got to go to the viewing haven't I. Even if I'm not offered it, I've got to try. I can't complain about no help if I don't try. It's so sudden and he's being so nice again, planning Christmas. I'll have to say the hospital had a cancellation but he'll want to come with. I'll think about excuses overnight. I suppose it's worth risking him being annoyed at me being out in these circumstances. I feel sick with nerves about everything. Being away from him, getting out and about in pain with my health thing, not getting offered it, getting offered it. Can't believe the timing. Any other day he's out. I have to confirm if I'm going or not. I'll call tomorrow. I didn't expect to feel like this. I thought I'd be really happy and excited. I just want to hug him now. I know I have to make the viewing somehow. I'll post an update after the viewing.

You can’t make things all right with an abusive partner. And he is.

Thank you for being so supportive. I wish it wasn't like this. What if he says he's coming with me? He likes to take me to hospital when I've been. I have to think of an excuse unless the housing association let me view the day after. I'm thinking about excuses and I guess I'll work something out. Maybe I'll say I'm getting his Christmas present. He'll be suspicious as I usually shop online but I suppose I'll risk it. He's not a bad person. I think he genuinely cares about me. He just loses his temper. I know I have to view the flat. It's too good to be true in a way. It's in a nice area and nowhere near his work or any of his friends. But it also feels horrible. So away from my familiar little world here with him. It doesn't seem real right now. I should try to get to bed. Lots to sort tomorrow.

If he cared about you then he wouldn’t try and control you. You could leave and do what you like when you like.
People can get cross. But I bet he isn’t like it with everyone else. He’s choosing not to control his anger but to use it to control you.
He’s not nice.
He’s not kind.
You will be happier away from him.

Could you say one of your parents is ill and you have to go and visit? Say you’re shopping for a surprise present for him? (That thought has made me smile... Oh boy, that WOULD be one surprise to him! )

I’m afraid you must go. To be taken with any seriousness by the organisation. Even if you don’t get it this time.

Please keep on with the Freedom Programme. You need some clarity on your situation. We can see it, but you need to as well.

Just keep moving forward. Even if you’re progressing an inch a day.

Sorry, but
he is a “bad person”.

And he does not “genuinely care” about you.

Making it to that housing viewing is very important.
And you can do it.

I'm really worried he'll make it difficult for me to get to the viewing. I don't know what to do. It's such awful timing. I realise how lucky I've been, usually a lot of freedom during the days as he's at work. He's not even around much over Christmas, out and away lots. He won't physically stop me or say I'm not allowed out. He might even be ok about it. Just thinking of the times on the past, often before medical appointments, he'll be so horrible, start being angry not necessarily at me, then suddenly there's a big argument or incident, and I'll not be in a state to go.

Also worried about repercussions. He's out drinking the evening of the viewing. I'm nervous he'll come home nasty if he thinks I'm getting better (getting out and about, health improving).

I don't know if it's worth calling and asking if I can view a different time. I could do the same day but earlier as he'll be out. I'd be able to get home before he was back. I don't want to annoy them by asking. They'll see me as difficult.

Of course he is nice again. That’s what abusers do. It would t work if they were absolutely awful everyday.

And well done! This is the first steps to your freedom!

It wouldn’t be a problem to politely ask them. (But they might say no.)

I'm actually worrying about staying nearish him, but I can't afford to turn down this chance. I know I have to try to get to the viewing. I can work out what's best after I've been but I think ideally I'd leave London completely. I know it's away from our part of London but as we're renting, he isn't tied to our current area and he's always said he wants to move somewhere else (in London). I think I really need a fresh start. But obviously beggars can't be choosers and I know I need to at least view the flat. I can decide what's best if I'm given the offer. It's unlikely I'm number one on the list, I'm thinking if I was, I'd have been to other viewings (as number 2, 3, etc). Sorry, I'm rambling with worry and fears.

Have you decided what you’re going to wear & what you want to take to the viewing?

Sorry for all my rambled panic. I was so nervous about calling but she was really nice. They can't change the time but she's said if the worse comes to the worse and I can't make it, I'll be considered for the next one. I definitely want to try to make it though. I think I need to try to leave sooner rather than later, however scary and difficult, as it's always a risk staying. I'm going to do my best but I'll have to see what happens with him.

I'm not the first one or two on the list so probably won't get offered it (relies on the others turning it down) but it's still worth trying to view. I think it will help give me confidence to leave him even if I'm not offered it this time.

I only have one winter outfit that fits so that's at least an easy decision. I need to get some clothes. I have loads but I've gained weight. I'll take the old ones to charity shops.

Is it a friendly charity shop? Maybe you could trade your donations for a couple of things that fit better, even if they don’t usually do something like that.

I've set aside a small amount of money for some cheap clothes. I love charity shops but I'll also look in Primark. I don't need much as I don't get out often. He's being so nice and is talking about Christmas plans for us. I know I can't relax and think it's all ok but I really wish it could all work out. I'm so nervous about this flat for so many reasons. I'm prepared mentally for it not to be for me. I'm seeing this as a start. There's several ahead of me on the list so I doubt they'll all turn it down. I'm still planning to view if at possible but if it doesn't work out, if it's too hard to make an excuse for him, I'm not going to despair. Almost any other time, I'll be free to view somewhere. I think if I have the strength I can leave, it's just very scary. Thank you again for the kind support. I'll post an update when I know about the flat.

Good luck. Really do try and get to see it. Hopefully you’ll manage to get up and dressed and out a bit more once you’ve made a fresh start.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I feel so scared and sometimes think it's too late, but maybe I can get my confidence back. I promise I'll try. Thank you.

I can’t remember who it is who’s offering you the chance to see this flat, but have you explained to them why you need to move out of your present location ?
If you haven’t told them, you really should.

There is something so odd about your relationship g, Plantlife.

You’re with a man who supposedly loves you, but doesn’t want you to get better? Who wouldn’t want that for someone they loved?

Does he come with you to the hospital and attend the consultation? Is he scared you’ll say the ‘wrong’ thing?

Do you have any money of your own apart from birthday/ Christmas money to call your own? What about benefits.

Sorry to ask lots of questions but am hoping we can help a bit more. Tell us as much as you can.

Oh, and for the confidence issue...?

Fake it till you Make it, Plant 🌱

You Go Girl

I'm sorry. Got to be really quick. He's had a drink already. Being nice but I don't want to make him angry. I think I've massively messed up. They were so so nice and offered for me to view earlier when he was out. Then he messaged and said he was coming back early. I panicked and cancelled the viewing. I feel so awful as I've messed them around. I know leaving is scary but I don't want to lose the opportunity. I could try to make an excuse to him and get to the normal viewing (the one everyone on the list is going to). But he'll definitely be suspicious, and he keeps saying about us spending time together (as he's out so much the rest of Christmas), and I really don't want to risk things being nasty later when he's really drunk. I suppose I want to balance the risk. I'm.the fifth person on the list. It's unlikely four will turn down social housing in London? It's in a nice area too. I want to go but I'd be risking an awful evening with him for little chance. Am I being rational? I definitely would go if he wasn't around even if fifth on list. I need to stop stressing about it as he'll wonder what's up. I hope I'm not making a big mistake.

Sorry, I'm rambling so much. I've realised I completely lose my confidence when he's around. I feel much more frozen mentally and physically. I need to renew leaving efforts when he's back at work. Ideally when he's away.

Byebyemissamericanpie, I suppose it's not normal at all, the relationship. I think he genuinely cares but think he's scared of being hurt so needs to be in control. If anyone leaves, he wants it to be him. Money, I get ESA. I'd have to change to universal credit if move so that's another scary thing (but I know I can't let that stop me). Sorry. I need to log out now. I think I'm making the right decision about the viewing as I think it's not worth his possible nastiness when I'm fairly low on the list of viewers. But I can't stop feeling like I'm making a mistake. Surely 4 people won't turn it down? I hope I've done the right thing. He's calling me now. I'd better go. He's being nice for now so I should make the most of that. Sorry for so much rambling and panicking and letting you all down.