is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

I didn't want to post again with no new updates. I feel bad about rambling on without progress. Thank you for asking though, thank you for thinking of me. I hope you're feeling better now?

I know I'm being extremely slow at any progress. There was another small setback and I felt so worn out a day or so ago, but I think it's been sorted now. I'm very slowly getting things together, I think and hope. I have a few things I need to do this week. Nervous about it all but I'm going to try very hard not to cancel or postpone.

I'd love to post again at some point soon with a better update. Hopefully they will happen.

Trying hard not to postpone or cancel is progress!! Good luck.

You can feel nervous, sort a setback, and progress slowly & still be moving in the right direction.

Hope you're ok plant.

Thank you for thinking of me. I feel undeserving especially as I'm not left yet. I made some small progress. I got outside! It's only once so far but it felt so good being briefly normal. He doesn't know. I've felt like posting a few times the past few days but haven't. I'm scared a bit ever since he mentioned MN (although it was completely unrelated) but also I don't want to post repetitive posts repeatedly. I'm still scared of being homeless. It takes over my thoughts so much. I think I need to risk it but it's particularly hard now it's sort of nesting season. I always feel like nesting, being cosy and warm and safe at home in winter.

I'm still trying to push on with the slow plans. It's all still loose plans at this stage and I know I need to do more. I remember, SimplySteveRedux, you recommended a book. I need to look at that, and get back to the Lundy book. I started reading but stopped.

Hi Plant (love that!). Haven't forgotten about you and keep checking in, just giving you space you need and like your other friends here a listening ear whenever you want it.
AMAZING that you went outside - that is such a massive step for you. What progress! Be proud and keep building those little goals, they will really help you regardless of leaving or not. If you are nesting up, do get busy reading those books, it will really help your perspective on things.

You went out! That’s great. Making plans is good. Be careful if you’re reading things that he doesn’t find books etc.

Congratulations on going outside
and you must have used the stairs to do it!
Well done!

Thank you! It really did feel amazing getting out! I'm also really pleased to give a positive update for once. Thanks actually that's a good point about the books. I definitely don't want him to find them. I've got the Lundy one online so I'll stick with that for now.

Thank you all again so much for the kind support.

He sounds horrible & you sound trapped with him. You poor thing. I hope one day you pluck up the courage to leave him.

Fabulous you went outside. Lots of little steps are most important as they will give you the confidence to make the big step

Plantlife - I’ve just read your thread and wondered if you were able to print this all out? I know you struggle with face to face stuff and phone calls, but anyone reading this would have enough info to act on, without you having to say a word.

Or send the link to the GPs surgery before your appointment. That would allow you to pick up quite quickly with any doctor.

It’s brilliant that you’ve made it outside. A bit of light and fresh air is a wonderful thing. Baby steps...

You’ve had some amazing advice here. There are some truly lovely people in amongst the ‘nest of vipers’!!

I’ll try and check in, too. Hope your plans continue in an upwards and positive direction. You are an amazing person to have come this far.

I’m in a similar situation as you (more mind games than physical stuff) and the friends I have told have been so supportive and have made me feel like I’m doing the right thing. I was so taken aback. Several of them had seen stuff and hadn’t commented.

Do you have any family or friends to contact that you can call ‘your own’?

Yay! Go @plantlife!!!!!

Thank you everyone. The support here really has been wonderful. I've had a wobble today, some things going wrong but I'm trying not to panic. I have to just face it and get through hopefully. Feeling guilty too. I thought he'd be awful today but he's being really nice. I'd miss him so much.

I need to get outside again I think. It felt so good and it's getting too easy to just want to hide here forever. It still feels so much safer than the world outside. I'll try to get out again at least once this week.

ByeByeMissAmericanPie, I'm so sorry you're going through it too. I think the psychological stuff can mess you up more. Have you been able to leave? I really hope so but I know it's so hard. I think if I'd told friends maybe they'd have understood but I'm not sure. I think I lost contact with true friends years ago. I'm not sure the more recent ones were close enough. Anyway I've lost contact with them all now. Too scared to risk getting in touch especially to tell about this. He has mutual friends on social media, Facebook, etc.

I'm still panicking about housing and the new problems but I'm trying to keep going with getting sorted through this mess. Sorry this sounds rambled. I really just wanted to thank you all again. I'll try to update something more positive next time I post.

The fact you’re facing it and just seeing it as a temporary wobble is good. I hope you do get out. I’m meeting a friend for a walk tomorrow and really looking forward to it.

Actually I'm really sorry for saying this. I didn't want to be honest because I feel terrible for letting people down. I don't know why I can't shut up but I feel I need to get it out. It's just going round and round in my head. I feel so guilty because you've all been so kind and tried to help and I feel awful that it's not necessarily possible. I think it's the lesser of two evils staying with him as long as possible. I basically just can't stop feeling scared of being homeless. Whatever's happened in the past and for whatever reason, right now he is what keeps me in a home and safe. I have a warm bed in a private bedroom with a private bathroom and kitchen. I can cook when I'm able physically, I can have baths and relax, I can rest safely. I've read threads on here about temporary accommodation (and there's not even a guarantee I'd even get that). It's always described as awful, dangerous, unsafe. He's being nice and anyway he's at work all day weekdays and away a lot. The support services, I spoke again today. They were very kind but couldn't guarantee I'd have somewhere to live. I think I'm better off staying but now the risk is not being able to stay. I hope I can until my health is better.

I'm sorry for being so frustrating and seemingly ungrateful, ignoring advice. I just can't risk not having a safe home. I know it's maybe not completely safe here but it's better and safer than alternatives. I just keep thinking if I ask for help and give my details, they can offer emotional support but not a home. I also know if he's arrested or leaves, that's it. Without him, I have no home and if he's fine I wouldn't even get a refuge because obviously he'd be gone. I was told this ages ago by the local service I talked with in the past.

Sorry. This is rambling self-pity. I will keep trying to get well physically and hopefully be able to support myself. I need to snap out of this worrying about worse case. Just the stuff that happened today (not something he did) is panicking me.

Sorry, Wolfiefan. I posted my second post before seeing your reply. I'm so sorry for being so down. I guess I've stepped backwards. You've been so kind to me. I feel like I'm letting you all down. Hopefully I'll feel stronger and more positive tomorrow. I'm just panicking. I'd make more sense if I felt able to explain the new problem but it's extremely identifying and I'm too scared just in case. I know panicking makes it worse. There's still chances for help and to be ok, I know. I'll try to reset myself tomorrow and try to think again about risking changes.

I hope you have a lovely walk with your friend tomorrow. I love going for walks. I need to focus on getting well so I can do that again.

I hope you do one day. The autumn colours are lovely out there at the moment.
At the moment he’s being nice and you feel warm and safe. But next time he’s not? You need to focus on getting well and planning so you can live a better life.

I enjoy walking almost every day, at least a little, in all kinds of weather. I hope you have the freedom to do that soon too.

Plantlife - just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Literally or metaphorically!
Get outside- even if it’s to the front door. The trees are so beautiful at the moment.

I read this thread quite quickly, and so maybe missed some of the agencies you’ve been in touch with. I cannot believe that someone in your situation would end up homeless.

You don’t mention family. Do you have parents, siblings or cousins?

I’m guessing you’ve tried Women’s Aid? CAB? Have you been really truthful with them? We do HUGE amounts of minimising when we’re being abused.

I did The Freedom Programme online. Is that something you could try?

I originally did it online, but then went in person to my first Freedom Programme session yesterday. It did two things : made me realise that I’m not alone, and it gave me other people to talk to in a completely safe space.

Someone else I know went to a different one, and found herself in the company of a professional singer and a medical doctor. There are no class or race barriers to this.

I can’t do links, but do a search for ‘red toothbrush ‘. She left her abusive husband or partner. It took a bit of planning, but she got out.

I'm so exhausted today and just want to go to bed. Just quickly posting to apologise for being so down yesterday and to thank you all for being so nice.

I'm trying to keep going with it all, all the plans, getting well. I've felt like giving up at points today. Then I spoke to some really lovely kind people and I'm trying to get past the latest setback. I still have loads of fear but maybe I can take the risk one day. I'm trying to stay focused. After all the time spent on the problems today, I have to keep going! It's all so up in the air at the moment but I have to think positive.

Maybe I should try to do the freedom programme online. I feel so isolated I wanted to do it in person but can't get out enough yet. Maybe what you did, ByeByeMissAmericanPie, is a good idea. I could do it online for now, then in person when I'm well. I'm glad it's helping you. I hate thinking others are going through all this too. I'll have a look for the redtoothbrush thread tomorrow. It's good to hear when other people get through it.

I'm surprised anyone has read all this thread even skim reading. I've rambled on so much! Not really any family I can turn to. Parents elderly and unwell, and I guess were similar to him at times. Sibling lives abroad. This thread and the lovely kind people here has helped a lot though. Perhaps I've minimalised. I often think the opposite, that I'm exaggerating. He's being so nice at the moment. Anyways, sorry, rambling again. Really tired. I'll try to get fresh air tomorrow. It's baby steps but hopefully will help clear my head.

Good luck with getting out and about tomorrow. Online is a good idea. Especially worth looking at the programme if your parents showed some of the same traits. And the being nice and making you feel you’re exaggerating is a classic “trick”. It’s not you. It’s him.

I'm really sorry for being so needy. I'm so sorry. Please I don't know if anyone knows. I can't get through to the domestic violence helpline, I think my phone's being funny and I can't leave a voicemail because he's due back soon. Drunk and in a nasty mood. Anyway, sorry, I tried to get help today but couldn't seen to explain it.

I also tried to call a council nearish here but different area so away from him. They put me through to the housing team who deal with DV but no-one was available to speak to me.

I know people here have suggested it before, sending a link by email to this thread or printing it out.I think I need to do this. I don't think I've got the strength or energy to try to explain it all again especially I struggle verbally. Sorry, rambling. In pain and stressed.

I don't know if you know. I really want help but can't cope with police. Does anybody be know if what's in this thread would get police involvement against my consent? Also I'm too scared of being homeless to call the police. The support chariry I spoke to ages ago said if he's removed from here I'd no longer need help. Sorry if I'm repeating myself. I'm scared about everything.

I'm so tired and want to go to bed but can't until he's back. I have to stay alert. I'd better get offline.