is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Have you still got your doctors appointment soon? See if you can send a link to this thread in advance of your appointment with the doctor.

Maybe the doctor is the best person to start with. I’m assuming you’ll be alone so can chat freely? You must, however, be open and honest about how you’re feeling living with him.

Yes, get yourself online to do The Freedom Programme. It will really really help you. I promise.

I hope you stayed safe last night. I understand you are scared of police involvement and leaving but you need to do something.

I'm really sorry for the panic last night and for not actually getting away yet. I got through yesterday night. He was making a few threats and accidentally knocked my leg but nothing really and then he was nice. There's a load of shit stuff that needs doing today and tomorrow, stressful and bad timing obviously, but I'm also going to try to keep trying to speak or email support services about this. Yesterday one was very kind but they can't help with housing. So I need to contact a different one, I maybe should email as I don't explain well on the phone. So scared to take the step but I need to try. Sorry about yesterday.

Doctor appointment is next week. Not sure I have time to speak privately today. The GP I've started to get to know doesn't work everyday and I'd rather it was her I told. She seems so kind and understanding and I think I could trust her. Is that reasonable of me or too spoilt? I know I have to do something and I can't keep panicking on here but not actually take actions. Sorry and thank you.

I guess noone knows - would this thread, what I've said, would they contact the police? I don't think so, I think they'd just help me? I really hope to keep police out of it, and I'm also really really trying to be strong.

Don't know if this counts as baby step but I did something yesterday I thought I wouldn't physically be able to do.

Thinking about it, I admit I'll still prefer to try to work on health and a longer-term plan than leave in a panicked unprepared rush. I'll try to speak to support services perhaps to discuss my plan and discuss emergencies, but in the meantime I'll try to sign up to the freedom programme. I think that's the best next step for me in the immediate term. Thank you. I really wanted to do it in person so I could meet other people in the same sort of situation but online isn't a bad alternative for now. Thank you all again and sorry for all the round in circles panic and stress. It's going to be a horribly busy and stressful next few days but I feel a bit more positive now I'm thinking about that programme.

Maybe online will let you eventually be able to do more in person. Well done for doing what you didn’t think you could.
You do this the way you want to. Confide in who you feel you can.
But you deserve to live without threats and being hit “accidentally” or not.

Plantlife - do it online to start with, then no pressure about how long you take over it. Once you've digested the info, and are feeling better, then you can maybe find a local group. Thats what I did.

I think it's really important that you do The Freedom Programme; his behaviour will make a LOT more sense.

Here it is: freedomprogramme.co.uk/

BTW, you may feel like you get tongue tied in RL, but you write very well on MN!

Sorry to be back again and thank you. Thanks for the link. I've spent so much money on medication and other essentials so I'm reluctant to spend more. It means I'm more reliant on him for food, etc, but £12 isn't much more so it's worth it I think.

I need to know if I'm the barrier to leaving? I just tried to call various places. Tried the local service again. I said I need help to leave him, I need somewhere to go. They admitted they couldn't help with housing. The provide emotional support. I know from the other local place that if I give my details, they might have him removed from the flat. But then I'd be homeless. I can't afford the rent on my own, benefits don't cover it. Being honest it's more than that. Perhaps I'd get discretionary housing payment but I couldn't risk staying with him knowing where I was. I don't want to move. It's scary after being housebound so much but he's threatened things before that mean I couldn't stay if he was forced out.

I don't know what to do. I could try the national DV number again (hard to get through) but I'm not physically ok enough today to leave. I doubt they have anywhere on a Friday afternoon anyway. I need to wait until next week really but he's been so awful this week.

I'm sorry for more rambling. Perhaps I can't get out of my situation at least for now. So I hope you don't mind me posting not for help but more as a vent and so I'm having a small link to the real world.

I suppose I feel I can't get referred to local services because they can't help with housing but would involve the police, which won't help.. So pointless as I'm stuck with him. Am I being silly? I can't see a way round this. I don't want police involvement. It would make things worse.

I've realised its not because I don't have children, it's because I'm in London where there's no housing and because I have the health isssues. If I was well, I'd be able to fend for myself, even find live in work. My area is awful if you need help, in fact it was in the local news a few years ago. A woman leaving DV was housed but in a 1 bedroom as the council said her child should stay with the abusive dad. She only got housing with her child after it made the paper.

Please just ignore my previous rambling post. I'm sorry. I guess there is help but it's just very scary going for it. Perhaps the emotion support of the local charity would help and the freedom programme. I'm stressed because he's been weird all week, threats and seems to have contempt for me, but then being nice again. Anyway I've just spoken to someone who sounded really nice but my phone cut us off. It keeps happening but I'm so rubbish trying to explain it verbally so I think I need to show this thread - but maybe I'll edit out the worse stuff so no police involvement. I'm going to try to get through this weekend then speak to GP at my appointment, and also if I get the courage I'll go in person to the local da service. I'd have to get a cab but perhaps it's worth it to get support. I think I'm just terrified of what happens if I do this risk assessment. I wish I could get help without doing it. I hope I get strength from the GP. I really am sorry for rambling. I feel sick about him being back later drunk but I'll stay out of his way and be prepared to call police if I have to. I'm going to focus on how things can be if I get stronger. I know I'm wavering so much.

Hi Plant, how's your day been?
I've noticed that you have said many times about how scared you are authorities/agencies will involve the police without your wish. But you also say you are prepared to call them yourself!
Nobody is going to make decisions on your behalf, I really hope you can believe. Do you think it might be one of those little tricks your self-sabotage uses against you?

When you think you’re having trouble expressing yourself on the phone, please remember sometimes the other person isn’t doing a very good job getting/clarifying the necessary information.

I suppose you must be right, Twillow. I'm so scared of it what might happen that I'm perhaps making excuses not to go for it with getting help. I am genuinely scared of being homeless but I guess leaving him is also a very scary thought for lots of reasons. I must be irrational. I'm so keen to avoid police involvement but I would have to call them if I thought it was escalating to risk of him killing me. I think the few times I've done that, called them, it's been immediate urgent need with no time to think of what happens next. But I really desperately want to try to avoid that and just leave with as little stress as possible.

Thank you, cakeandchampagne. I hope you know how much your kind support (all of you) means. I think it's maybe a bit of both? I've spoken to quite a few people now, over time, and many have been so understanding, but a few didn't seem to understand, and I felt like a fraud, that I was exaggerating, but perhaps it's just that although my situation isn't ideal there's people out there in much more urgent need and resources are limited. I know I ramble to much, but I think I explain things better in writing. I think. He's being nice again so I feel awful for making him sound horrible.

My first step is signing up to the freedom programme. I'm changing my mind so frequently about the situation. I'm sorry for rambling on so much without leaving. I know it's very frustrating.

It will possibly be the best £12 you’ve spent plantlife.

You get access to it forevermore and it will open your eyes to the kind of person you’re living with.

Knowledge is power.

Do you what you can to get out please. What you say resonates with me, at one point o was on anti physotic medication when I wasn't physotic apart from his continuing gaslighting and fear of abuse, MT fear made me present this way so when he allowed medication 'I was nuts' so he could have me drugged to make me even easier to control than fear did

Sorry the fear and his influence made me present as physotic as he was always telling me things like I was the one that was mad whenever I had an opinion of my own, I lost my ability to think for myself as any independent thought was ridiculed and belittled coz I was 'crazy' so whatever he did was right and normal no matter GOE FUCKING NOT NORMAL IT IS!
Sorry for shouting but you need out, it nearly killed me please be a survivor like me before he kills you x

I'm sorry you went through it too, mynewusernamenow. I'm really glad you got away and I do hope you're as ok as possible now, or at least starting to recover.

Being very honest right now I feel unready to leave. I'm too scared of being homeless or long-term bedsit sharing bathroom with possibly violent people (especially men). I lived in bedsits when younger and hated it, sharing bathroom. I'm older and less well now. I'm scared of having no money for essentials, universal credit sounds worse than ESA (which is shit enough), scared of having to rely on food banks so no fresh food, fresh veg, scared of being without him. He's being so nice again. He called me a cunt and said I'd asked for it when he hurt me but immediately apologised.

I promise though that I'm going to keep trying very hard to get through this, get my health improved before it's too late, get back into the real world. I'm hoping the freedom programme will help me think clearly and be stronger, take the risk.

Until then, I feel the need maybe to sometimes post just to keep a link to the outside world. I hope noone minds. I am going to try to stop for a bit unless desperate or its a good news update. I was trying to write down (in a private journal) things that happened over the past few years and so much is just a blur. Even things I've written here I've already forgotten until I read it again.

He isn’t being nice. Calling you a cunt and saying you deserved to be hurt is the very opposite of nice.
You would be safer away from him. You really would.
Lack of money or sharing a bathroom isn’t worse than violence and insults and tiptoeing round your abuser. You won’t ever feel totally safe around him. Because you’re not.
You need to seek RL support. He’s messed up your thinking so much that you really believe this is the best way you can live right now. It’s not.

“Feel the fear and do it anyway.”

Getting out would make your life so much better.
Best wishes.

I think I read on here that it takes a woman an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive relationship.
It takes guts and then more guts...

Get the Freedom Programme downloaded and look into a bit of self care - your self esteem needs a bit of work. Mine did - and still does - but I'm getting there slowly.

Thank you again. Thank you for being so nice and kind, especially as I know how massively frustrating I'm being. I hope so much I'm not coming across as spoilt. I think I'll cope without much money, I'm used to it. I'm just so frightened of being completely alone and isolated and unwell without money for essentials like food. I felt suicidal at times in bedsits. So lonely and claustrophobic and noisy. Some had dirty bathrooms, sharing with strangers who could be dangerous or violent (as much as or worse than him).

Perhaps I'm letting the fear take over me. Thinking about worse cases. And I had depression at that time. I know I'm riddled with fear and anxiety but I don't feel depressed now. I think if I'm strong there are other better options long-term. I know I need to work on my fears. Be stronger.

I'm planning on signing up to the freedom programme tomorrow. I feel positive about it. I'm so glad it's helped you, ByeByeMissAmericanPie.

When I think of giving up, I think of all of you, your calm kindness. Thank you.

@plantlife - hope you’re ok. Even if progress is slow.

Thank you, ByeByeMissAmericanPie. I hope things are going ok with you too? I signed up to the freedom programme! This is so stupid but I'm embarrassed about the bank seeing that payment. I think I'd get the most out of it if I could go in person. I feel so cut off but hopefully I can in the future.

I've been thinking of trying to get the records from my childhood? Social services were involved at one stage so I could do a subject access request. I don't know if it's helpful or not to revisit it. It's mostly a blur but I realised only recently I'm sort of reliving things. My next door neighbours here have called the police, and I'm remembering my childhood next door neighbours calling the police. I used to be so determined as an adult I'd never be in this situation.

In the meantime maybe the freedom programme will help clear my head, help me make decisions. I know my progress is extremely slow, I'm sorry to everyone here about that. I'm wavering a lot about everything so I think I need to initially focus on the programme (and improving my health). Then take things from there.

Ok, I'm going to try to post something (sort of) positive! Every cloud has a silver lining... I'm so very glad and grateful for this thread, this forum, all you kind people. And actually for the online freedom programme. I feel quite alone and cut off. Since the old GP issue and the relapse of my condition, I've felt unreal, like I'm in a dream. So I really hoped to do freedom programme in person. But I've just looked - and my local one is run by the horrible woman who let me down so much when I went to the local da walk-in. I'll definitely sign up to a new area if/when I'm physically well to go in person.

I'm actually a bit shocked that she's running it. Makes me lose a bit of faith in it all, but then I think she's just one bad example amongst a sea of wonderful kind genuine helpful people? I feel bad for the local women though. I think another sort of positive is the desire to speak out about bad treatment (my old GP and this woman) motivates me to not give up, and to find a way out of this situation. I know it sounds unhealthy, like revenge. Perhaps in part, but like the GP where it turned out other patients also suffered issues, you're only believed when more than one person speaks out. It won't get better if people don't speak out. Obviously I need to be out of this situation and safe before I speak out about her. But I think I should. That time she didn't help, for all she knew I could have had children at risk at home. I don't think she should be doing this job, or at least needs better training.

Sorry, enough rambling for today. I know it's annoying. It helps a lot venting/rambling here. I also feel a bit more positive and stronger. A goal to work towards. A reason to break through my fears.

Congratulations on signing up for the F.P.!

@plantlife - you are brilliant! It’s baby steps. But getting yourself through FP online first of all, will give you an understanding as to where your other half is coming from. Maybe you’ll see patterns from your childhood. It’s an excellent grounding. You can do it at your own pace and go back over stuff until it sinks in. (Or that’s what I do).

You say you’re better at writing rather than talking on the phone? Well, once you’re able to get out a bit more, maybe you should attend these sessions in person. I’m wondering if this lady understood your entire situation? I’d definitely think it would be worth giving it a second chance. You could ask to stay on and chat after a meeting.

Several of the ladies at my group stay and talk to the girl running the course.

Anyway thanks for the update. I’ll check back regularly. Keep up the good work!

Thank you. I think and hope it'll help me. I feel so conflicted just about doing it. I feel like I'm betraying him - he's being nice, I think, but then he's also being a bit weird. So I suppose the programme will hopefully help with this confusion. I wish I could do it in person. I think that would help so much especially maybe speaking to the lady running it. The local one was awful, she really was, but I could go to a different one in a nearby area. Hopefully I'll be well enough to do that soon. I wish I was further forward with all my plans but hopefully I'm getting there with baby steps. Thanks again to everyone.