is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Thanks for letting us know you’re okay. We’ve been thinking of you.

Glad you’re ok.

Glad you’re ok @Plantlife.

WE’re here for you. Even if it all goes tits up, which I desperately hope it doesn’t, we’ll still be here for you.

Stay brave and strong xx

Thank you. I really wish there was a way of showing 100% how genuinely grateful I am to you all. You've all been so so kind and understanding and (too) patient. I don't know why I feel a bit nervous or scared about posting too much right now, especially things that happened or any plans. It helped me so much letting it all out. Perhaps it's good to be extra careful right now though. Anyhow all up and down but I'm doing my best to stay strong and keep making progress. I read through the thread last night. I really do repeat myself and ramble! I going to try not to keep doing that. I also feel so ashamed reading how low I've sunk. The thought of people who used to know me realising that's me. I know I shouldn't worry about that.

Anyhow thank you all again. I'm hoping not to post again until I can give you a good update. I guess if I feel desperate I may post a vent but hopefully no need. I've done that enough already. I am sorry (I know I shouldn't keep apologising) but I am sorry I'm taking longer than I should to move forwards. I am genuinely working on things. Little baby step stuff but I think I'm back on track.

Post what you need to when you want to. It’s YOUR thread!
And you’ve not sunk low. He’s dragged you down.

Thank you again. I know it sounds over the top or made up but knowing this thread is here really means a lot. I can't help feeling pathetic and ashamed. Whatever he's done, I made choices too. Some of my problems, certainly the extent how bad they are, are the result of me panicking so much about what might happen, that it did happen. It's also a huge strain on him at times. Anyhow, sorry, I really don't want to post repetitive moans, but it really is helpful and appreciated knowing the thread is here for me if I need it.

I know I'm going slow but I am doing little baby steps. I hope you believe me.

I believe you. He has treated you badly and limited your choices. It’s not you. It’s him.

@Plantlife you’re not pathetic and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Even the most capable, intelligent women can get sucked in by these awful abusers, and once you’re hooked in it’s very difficult to escape.

I think I’ve just pulled off my escape. I went to court this morning, whent up against ex’s solicitor and negotiated a settlement. I did it all on my own representing myself, and all while I’m ill and sweating a fever. In a few weeks I should be a free woman. A few short years ago, like you, I never thought it was possible. It’s been bloody hard but I’ve done it, and you can do it too.

If you can get out in time you’ll discover a whole new you you never knew existed. Keep on keeping on and you’ll get there. you’re getting stronger every day.

Stay safe and stay strong xx

@Whatisthisfuckery Well done! You make Xena seem timid!

@plantlife Please be kind to yourself as you sort things & prepare for your future.

I'm so so pleased for you, Whatisthisfuckery! You really are inspiring me, I need to follow your lead with being strong. I so hope it's all finally over for you. I hope you feel better as well.

I'm still feeling a bit unsettled and a bit in limbo but hopefully I'm (very) slowly moving forwards. Thank you all so much again.

@plantlife I've been lurking and following your thread. What jumps out to me is that you have been abused- physically, mentally and emotionally.
Sometimes it's easier to leave if you've got physical evidence of assault but less mental trauma.
It seems to me as though you've been severely abused mentally and emotionally as well as physically.
Imagine if the mental damage was physical. You'd be broken and hurt and barely able to move from your injuries.
No imagine trying to get your stuff together, crawl to the door, leave and have somewhere safe to get to after all that.
Mentally that's where you are, inching, crawling towards the door to freedom.
Don't be so hard on yourself, your mental health has been abused by this man. You are using every once of mental strength to get towards that door and leave.
We are all here for you, rooting for you. Don't you dare feel guilty for not legging it to the nearest police station, you're doing this the best you can, given how badly you've been abused.

pemberlyshades, thank you for the support and understanding. I know I keep saying it but I'm truly so grateful to everyone on here. This thread is my link to the real world and made me feel less alone. I still can't help feeling so ashamed about the state I've got to. And the guilt again but I'm trying hard to keep pushing forwards.

It really helped feeling able to write freely about everything here. I've found it really really hard to speak freely in the phone. Lots of reasons but him talking about recording me didn't help.

He's away for two nights. It could be coincidence but I felt free and in control today. I'm going to try to go outside tomorrow. Still hard with my physical condition but just baby step down the road. I keep thinking about the neighbours. I need to ignore it. It's hard though after they've heard not just him but me shouting and crying and talking to myself. I'll try though.

I'm slowly putting things together but it is slow.

But you are making steps forward. You’ve found your voice here and are looking for a way to make this better. You should be proud.

Thank you. Thank you for being so nice.

You deserve nice. And lots of it!!

Plantlife Nice has nothing to do with it. We’re not being nice, nice is a pretty dull word for a pretty dull quality. Nice isn’t always a kind or sensible thing to be.

People are being decent and understanding. It is not a special favour to expect people to be decent and understanding, it should be baseline. The fact that you think people being these things is them going over and above just demosstrates that you’ve been conditioned not to expect it.

Your expectations of people are so low they’re positively subterranean. Please try to demand more for yourself. If you wouldn’t dream of treating someone in a certain way, it’s a good indicator that they shouldn’t be doing it to you.

I hope things are going alright for you. I’ve been ill this week so haven’t been posting much.I’m still ill because I’ve had no time to relax and get better. Tomorrow I have a clear schedule for most of the day so I intend to put my feet up and recharge my batteries.

Stay brave and strong x

I'm really exhausted today so I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, and also I really really hope I explain how I feel properly. Anyway, seriously thank you all again so much for your kindness and support. I'm still in the situation so obviously it looks like I've wasted your time and advice, but please believe me it's helped so much.

Whatisthisfuckery, I so much hope you finally get some much deserved rest and feel better very soon. You've been through do much yourself and yet took time to help me. I can't say how much that touches me. It's so horrible not being able to just rest and focus on getting well when ill. I hate being ill anyhow but not being able to rest up is what makes it particularly awful. I hope you can rest tomorrow.

I have some small news. I think touching wood I've finally sorted one of my problems. Something that went horribly wrong. It's just a start but if it is finally sorted, it's s huge relief. I also made it down the stairs! I'm top flat. Didn't make it outside, and it sounds pathetic, but it's a big start for me. Too painful to go further but I'm hoping to try tomorrow. I'm slowly working on all the rest of it. I know it's very slow. I've made progress before and then it's all gone wrong. I'm scared I'm being too slow and scared it will go wrong again but I have an emergency bag just in case, and meanwhile I'm trying to keep on trying with my new plan.

You’re not being too slow. You’re doing things at your speed. I hope you have sorted the issue. And stairs are a massive barrier to overcome. Well done.

Well done! Getting down the stairs (& back up!) is great! And having an emergency bag ready!

@Plantlife You’ve made so much progress since you first posted here. Getting downstairs is a massive achievement if you’ve not managed it for a long time. Don’t do yourself down, congratulate yourself for what you have done.As someone who has struggled to go out much on my own for the last couple of years I know how big a deal it is to even get yourself out at all.Just think, when you started this thread it was unthinkable.

You’re doing really well, and I mean it. Keep going but be gentle with yourself as you do.

Thank you all. I know you've all said It shouldn't do myself down but I can't help feeling pathetic, that I've got to such a low point that making it down some stairs is a major achievement! Thank you though for your lovely kind support.

I still haven't been able to get outside. My health thing not great yesterday and today. I've been feeling frustrated and yesterday felt so claustrophobic. I'm trying to stay positive but it's been hard. There was yet another problem with my medication. I think I have now finally sorted it, but that's just the essential medication, what stops my condition getting worse. I'm still pretty stuck without the other medication but unfortunately I need a hospital to prescribe it.

My new GP was so wonderful and is trying to get me back on it due to me already being on it long-term until it was stopped by the old GP. If not, I have to wait for my hospital appointment. New GP agreed it wasn't an a&e thing. But I felt so so trapped yesterday. I'm thinking maybe the same day clinic would understand if I explained a little bit of the situation. I'm scared I'm not going to make it out alive. I know this sounds over the top but even if he does nothing to me, I've been completely physically inactive for several months. I'm so tired all the time now.

Sorry, my last post was too negative! I need to keep focusing on the positives or I'll sink. I feel so in limbo. I know I want to keep going and keep trying to get out of this situation. I need to stay positive. I have a loose plan for the health and everything else. I'm scared it will all go wrong again but I have to keep trying. I wish I could turn the clock back.
Whatisthisfuckery, I forgot to say in my previous post. I hope you're feeling better.

You haven’t been very active, but if you work on it every day you will get stronger! Maybe you can do the stairs again tomorrow?

Thank you. Actually that's a good idea. Going up and down stairs is exercise, I guess. I know it's stupid under the circumstances but I'll probably wait until Monday. Most of the neighbours will be at work then. I have to go past everyone's flat as I'm the top. I know I have to risk facing them if I made it outside. Some of them seem to work different hours to 9-5, but it would be worth it to get fresh air. But Monday, if I can't make it outdoors, I'll definitely do the stairs. I've been struggling a bit the past day or so, with being stuck in and just thinking about how it set back my plans. It feels so far away getting out of this situation, although I should be grateful for the small progress I guess. It's something.

I so wanted to post a good update, more progress, rather than another moan. Hopefully I can do that soon. In the meantime, the stairs is a good start for immediate issues. Thank you.

Hi @Plantlife, how are you doing?