is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Put the radio on in the background; make a pillow fort and hide under that and call; do the old putting the KGB spies off trick and call in the bathroom with the tap running. Be creative. Just think of it like shoving a bloody great rock out of the way, then hopefully the going will be easier.

Do you have a wardrobe? Hide in amongst the clothes and call, pretend you’re in Narnia.

Thank you. You made me smile. I like the idea of hiding in the wardrobe. Maybe I could visit Narnia and meet a lion who helps me!

I ended up leaving a message as luckily the person wasn't there. Some good luck for me. I've asked them to reply by email. Hopefully they will.

I know I need to get over this. I'm so over aware and something inside me freezes. I can't explain it, I make the calls but psychologically my confidence goes. Its happened before. I think it's partly why they think I'm mad. I end up saying rambling rubbish or talking in codes. Maybe I am mad letting it get to me this much.

I'll try again tomorrow. The radio in the background is a really good idea, thank you.

The GP appointment is later in the week. I'll practice your suggestions, do a pretend call with the radio on, so I'm prepared for the real call if neighbour still off work then.

I forgot CAB and Shelter do webchats! I did one with shelter ages ago. I could try that again. That could be the best thing for me. I got so stressed I forgot about it. I think my priority is the GP now. I don't want to try a DV charity again until I've spoken to the doctor.

Can you write things down to remind you? I know when I have a stressful thing to deal with it helps me to write some bullet points beforehand, just so I don’t forget half of what I want to say. It’s good for when your brain gets befuddled. Make sure you destroy them afterwards though, in case he finds them.

Thank you. I need to do that. I keep meaning to write down bullet points. This is ridiculous, I'm forgetting things almost immediately after they happen. I must write something down before the GP appointment. I'll do that tomorrow. Thank you again.

How are things today @Plantlife.

Thank you for being so kind. I seriously don't feel I deserve more support at least for now. I'm letting everyone who posted here down and I'm aware it's just going round and round in circles. I'm sorry. Bit of a slip back today. I know, I really know, I need to ignore the neighbour but it's really hard. I think maybe partly fear, not just shame. I don't want the neighbour to hear anything that might make them get involved like even reporting to police. The other neighbour absolutely understandably had every right to do that, and every right to bang on the door, it was so awful for them having to put up with it. But obviously it made him worse. I still can't get over my fear of using the other room just in case he's recording in there.

There was a small flare up last night. Very brief and I can't even remember what he said (an angry threat and hit the sofa) but he apologised immediately. I really did make him angry, I was upset about something and blamed him, but equally I think it's wrong to be or threaten violence if someone makes you angry? He was very tired and stressed, like me too actually. Anyway all over in a flash.

I'm thinking maybe postpone GP just to next week? I'm guessing neighbour has week off. I know it sounds like I'm putting it off but you get only small amount of time with gp and, especially after the last GP, I don't want to mess it up! I can't keep putting it off but I really need to feel as confident as possible.

I'm managing to do the other urgent stuff by email at least.

Sorry, you'll wish you never asked how I was! I don't mean to keep rambling.

No, I don’t wish I’d never asked.

Please try not to keep putting things off. This week it’s the neighbour, next week it’ll be something else, then the next week else it’ll be something else again. It’s always easier to find a reason not to do the hard thing, ad the longer you leave it, the harder it’ll be.

I’m sorry Plantlife I can’t join in with your wish for your neighbours not to call the police if they hear something going on. I’ve been on both ends of that, I’ve had the police called when my ex was kicking off at me and Ive called the police when I’ve heard a man being violent to his girlfriend. It’s absolutely terrifying listening to that, it makes you feel sick with fear in a way that I can’t describe. When you’re in the situation you at least have an illusion of being in control, when you’re hearing it happen to someone else it’s indescribably awful. I think you’re missing this when you think about your neighbours. When they hear him screaming, you crying and screaming, banging and crashing, they’re not feeling angry, they’re feeling powerless and terrified.

And no, it’s not alright to threaten, swear and punch things when a partner makes you angry, even if they are being an arse, which I very much doubt you were. We’re you upset because he upset you? In my experience my ex just ignored me when I was being an arse of my own accord, but if I questioned him, or he did something to upset me and I pulled him up on it that’s when he’d shout and break things. I don’t do that to my partner, my partner doesn’t do that to me. I can honestly say I’ve never struck my partner or a piece of furniture because my partner has annoyed me, and my partner has never done that either. WE might argue, of course we do that, and we say things we don’t mean, but never threats, never shouting swearing and name calling, and never hitting/kicking/breaking things. It is not normal behaviour from an adult who is supposed to love you.

I know it’s hard my lovely, I’ve been there myself. It will never get better and it will never get easier though, and if you want out which you surely do because nobody wants to live like that, you’re going to have to put your big girl pants on. He’s not recording you, he’s telling you lies to make you afraid. The neighbours aren’t interested in your life, and if they ever get involved it’s because they’re fucking scared stiff of what’s happening to you.They’re interested in their own life, they don’t want to get involved with yours, but if they’re good neighbours they’ll be on the phone to the police like a shot if they hear things that distress them, and like I’ve said, listening to some bloke knocking 7 bells out of his misus is sickening and terrifying and distressing in a way I can’t describe. It stays with you, you never forget that fear, hearing that fear.

Now he’s showing signs of blowing up again, do you really want to have that again. You know it’ll come, even if you don’t know when. Could speaking to people possibly be worse than the torture of anticipating that? Dig deep Plantlife, none of us can do it for you as much as I wish we could. Just remember those few words, ‘I’m being abused by my partner and I need help.’ They will help shift that bloody great rock blocking your way. They’re only a few little words. Practice saying them out loud. Say them so many times that they become nothing. Start with a whisper then say them a bit louder. Say them in the bathroom mirror with the toilet flushing and the bath running to start with.

Anyway I have to go now because I’m being nagged for tea. Come back tomorrow. Stay safe, be careful, the usual stuff.

I'm sorry you had to hear something so awful. I really am. I genuinely feel so awful and guilty about one particular neighbour. They absolutely hated me but I understand why. They tried to help, confronted him, called the police, but I was so scared and ashamed, I blamed them. They also heard me having meltdowns. I feel so ashamed walking past the neighbours, not that I've been able to get outside for ages.

Sorry, rambling again. You're right, I think. He threatened to kill me again. Immediately apologised though. My phone was charging so I didn't have the app on. I'm so stupid.

I know it seems like excuses. Maybe it is? But I just want to be as prepared as possible before leaving. I'm so so scared of being homeless. I know, hope, there's options, but I can't forget asking for help from that local charity and being refused.

I really can't cope with what the police being involved will bring, but main fear above anything is police arresting him but then I'd be homeless. The bad experience charity told me I'd just have to look for housing like thousands of other women. They're the ones who said I couldn't have a refuge just in case something happens, and when I had no money at all to get anywhere and couldn't use public transport because of my health, told me other women manage to get to refuge with terrible injuries. At the time my old GP refused to believe me about my condition so officially I was physically well. I suppose now there's proof? Also I have enough money for a cab now.

Again, sorry, ramble. In short, I don't want police unless I have housing to go to. I'm slowly planning again. I saw another thread on here (didn't join in as felt shouldn't on someone's own problem) but it had suggested affordable places to live. It was very useful actually.

I really am planning again, I know it's worse putting it off. Sorry and thank you so much again.

I'm going to try very hard to make progress tomorrow.

Plantlife I’m not angry with you, I’m bloody terrified for you. Not that you’ll be made homes less, you won’t be made homeless, but that you’ll keep on being scared and end up stuck there until he really does hurt you, or that you’ll just remain stuck.

You won’t be homeless. Why don’t you read the housing act? The housing act is the law. If you are escaping domestic abuse you have to be housed. It might not be perfect but what could be worse than where you are now?

The problem is that you don’t know anything other than where you are now, and he’s filled your head with such lies that you only think it’ll be worse. I’ll tell you something, life isn’t easy after escaping an abuser. I’ve had no end of problems, mental illness, health problems and god knows what. I’m still dealing with trying to divorce my ex 6 years down the line. Even on my darkest day though, and I’ve had some horrible, terrible days, the most painful of my life, days where I’ve wanted to die, I’ve never regretted leaving him for even a second.

You’ve painted a picture in your head that things will be much worse if you so much as try to leave. Honestly, it doesn’t have to be like that. We already know he’s going to be terrible if you do, but there are ways of dealing with that, women do it every day. All you know is him now, and because you’re being so badly treated you think everybody is like that but they’re not. People will believe you, why wouldn’t they? What would they even have to gain by not believing you? Your problem is that you live with someone who has no conscience or empathy, so the only example you see of humanity is him. Yeah there’s some bloody awful people out ther but the vast majority of people are nothing like that.

If you can’t even bring yourself to try then you’ll be stuck there until you die young from stress and health problems or he kills you, but in the mean time this is the life that you’ll have to live. It’s difficult to pluck up the courage to even utter what’s happening to you, but if you can’t you’re condemning yourself to living the rest of your life being abused by him, losing touch with reality and suffering from health issues that would be addressed if you weren’t stuck there. Surely you don’t believe you’re as powerless as he’d like you to think you are? I don’t think you are because somewhere along the line self preservation will kick in, it’s just human nature.The first step is always the hardest, but I know if you really screw up all your courage you can do it.

Did you ever learn to swim? Remember how terrifying the though of sinking was until you found out you can float? Or did you learn to ride a bike? You were terrified that you’d fall off as soon as you were let go, but if you just kept peddling you’d stay on? You didn’t believe you could float, or that you wouldn’t fall off if you kept on peddling, but when you were brave enough, you could do it. This is like that. It’s a leap of faith, the only difference now is that you’re already sinking, so what’s the worst that can happen?

What do you want in your future? Is it to be trapped by him and be abused for the rest of your life? If it’s anything other than that then you know what you must do. There are a world of possibilities out there, but you won’t realise any of them unless you have faith in yourself, your own power, your own bloody refusal to give in. You have no more or less worth than any other person on this planet, you are a human being and you’re equal to every other one of us.You poses the same strength and drive as any one of us, and you’re entitled to live as good a life as you can make for yourself as every other one of us. Don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise.

I’ll be back tomorrow. Please try, just try. Surprise yourself.

I just wanted to thank you. You've been so kind, too kind really. Please don't spend too much energy or time on me. You've been through so much yourself and I don't want to drain you. The support I've had here has really got me through. It really has helped so much and now I need to repay the kindness by actually taking everyone's advice

I felt so defeated after the doctor stuff but although I know I've slipped back, lost confidence, I think I'm slowly getting together a plan again. Its so hard, I'm scared but also still torn. It's so hard to think he's really that bad and so hard to think of him not being in my life.

You (and everyone else here) have done so much for me. I promise that I'm going to try very hard to get out of this.

It's so hard after trying and being knocked back from support services, but I do need to try again. They're not all bad, just because one was.

Thank you. What you've written is what I finally realised. It took me so long to realise but a few months ago I did. I'm scared I'll die if I don't leave. My health is bad whilst here. I told myself a refuge or temporary accommodation may be scary but it's temporary, and staying here isn't temporary. Thank you for reminding me. I need to try again. The doctor making me (temporarily) housebound, the bad DV local charity, it's just setbacks. I have to try again don't I.

It’s not me or anyone else you have to repay, my life won’t change either way. It’s yourself you owe it to. I always think that the measure of a person is not how many setbacks they have, or how many mistakes they make, it’s how they get themselves up again. You already have everything you need inside yourself, you just need to harness it. You are stronger than you think you are, you just need to trust in yourself.

You’re not draining anything. You owe us nothing. You need to think of you. What’s best for you. A life with RL support and friends and maybe a partner who wants to help you feel better or more shouting and unkindness?

Nobody here is angry or disappointed or tired of you.

We just hope you see how strong & brave you really are, then change things—
or (take a leap of faith) and change things, then see how strong & brave you really are.

I don't know what to do.

I made some calls. I feel worse in a way but also sort of calmer because it's better than uncertainty. I managed to get through to Rights for Women. The London one. They couldn't help with my housing question, I asked about the Housing Act, they said they're a family law advice.

I also spoke to a london DV charity. They are very nice but admitted they couldn't guarantee housing for me. I appreciate their honesty. They contributed to the recent report about women without dependant children often ending up homeless after leaving DV.

I could possibly get a temporary refuge but it's when I have to leave that's the problem. I think I have to wait until my health's better so I can work. I know it's a risk as he hasn't let me get better in the past.
I feel scared but I think it's better not having false hope. I wish I'd known sooner because I'd have appeased him more.

I was thinking of trying to apply for housing in an area with more social housing available. But I'm terrified of being completely isolated in an unknown area with no money. If I wasn't housebound, I'd risk it - I could get out and about, meet people, but it's going to take months to recover from my health relapse. I've always been told and read that if you're new to an area, you need to make an effort, get involved with the community, so people don't think you're a snooty incomer.

Am I being too negative? I suppose I could try but it's terrifying in these circumstances.

At some point you need to leave. Unless you can get well enough and the situation improves so you can work and save before you leave then you won’t be able to rent. (Deposit etc.)
If you’re unable to work do you claim any benefits? (Thinking about how to pay rent.)

I'm really sorry for posting so much, and for all the negativity. I think I'm becoming obsessed with not being homeless. It's been a fear for so long. It's a real possibility but I think I'm letting it take over me. I've spoken to shelter and they were so lovely. I still can't be guaranteed housing, it all relies on local authority being allowed to decide if I count as vulnerable, but I can ask for help challenging decisions. It's so daunting though. I know it's a horrible thing to say, I know I sound like a tantrum child stamping it's foot, and I know I've said this before, but surely a few bruises and threats is better than no home? I need to think hard whether he's capable of ever killing me. That's the only thing worth leaving for in my circumstance, I think.

I think my current plan is to focus on getting as physically well as possible. Once I'm able to get out and about, I think I'll take the risk - and look for a refuge in a part of the UK with more housing, social housing but also affordable private rent. I think that's my best hope? I know it means a delay. I think, having had wonderful kind support on here, that in an emergency, if he gets really violent again, I'm ready to risk immediate refuge. But if not, I'm going to try to cope just temporarily. It's so living with the fear and uncertainty, when or if he'll hit or kick me again, but I think I'm genuinely slowly preparing again, to take risks

Sorry, I really am rambling. I think going over my fears, speaking then through, being clearer about the options, is admittedly very slowly, helping me get the strength.

I think I can take the risk. It's so frightening but I think I can do it. I'll get better and be able to work again. Maybe even live-in work?

This is abuse 101. It's not spontaneous anger he's displaying it's mysogonist entitlement. It will take you time to get your thoughts straight. Can you apply for emergency housing back near your friends? He's deliberately isolated you so you have no one to talk to. It is a slow process. Do you work or have access to money? A plan may take months to implement but you can secretly start making it now. And if abusers were horrible all the time, we would never be attracted in the first place.

I really am sorry I was so down before. I feel better now. Shelter were really kind and helpful. Still scared but feeling a bit more confident.

Downbutnotout2018, I've no friends left. He stopped me seeing them. I don't want to risk getting in touch and telling them - he has mutual friends on Facebook.

I think I'm slowly getting a plan together again. My health won't be better enough to work for at least a few months. I'm on ESA but I'd have to get universal credit if I move. I still hope to get better than leave but if he doesn't let me, I'm working on a new plan.

So scared he really is recording me, and feeling so guilty too. I just want it all to be ok with him. I wish it could be.

Making all these calls today is more than I've done in a month so I think I'm getting there slowly?

It's just blown up massively but he's hurt me with no evidence. He kicked me but not hard so no bruise. I've had achy legs for a few months, which he knows, so a small kick hurts but no proof. He's been shouting by my ear but no proof. He ran at me with his fist raised but I got out the way.

I've played into his hands. I got upset about him hurting my ear and he denied shouting just a few minutes ago, then denied damaging my ear in the first place. There's no proof. I made myself look like the mad one, I was shouting about what he'd done to me. He opened the window and shouted to the street that he's never beaten me, all the bruises were selfharm. Then he said he did it all to shut me up but said that really quietly. I don't think the app caught that. I couldn't risk taking my phone into the room with me. He'd notice. He's denying ever stopping me getting to doctors and again no proof.

So no evidence and my leg and ear hurt but no evidence at all. My health condition is worse now too, really hurting. I can't even walk out right now. He's going to be drinking tomorrow so I'm scared of what he'll do.

There's no proof, he recorded me shouting so I look mad, and he's denying everything he ever did to me, says all selfharm, I'm blaming him for my problems.

I think you've been told several times that you do not need proof. You need to leave, it is. It going to get better, so you won't get better. You need to pack a bag and go to a woman's refuge.

You don’t need proof. You’re not looking to prove anything in a court of law. You know the truth. It won’t be better until you leave.

I'm sorry. I know I can't keep going round in circles. I just wish I was more physically well. I know it sounds like excuses but I was genuinely ready to leave. I was like I am now for ages but then I got my confidence back, until getting stuck housebound. I was hoping to wait at least until my hospital appointment so I have all my medication before leaving. I feel so vulnerable and helpless without it.

I'm sorry I panicked before. I was scared if the police came, with no proof of what he did.

Anyway sorry. I know I have to get myself out if this situation.