is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

I'm sorry, I feel so bad. You're being beyond kind and trying to help me. I genuinely am so grateful. I feel so awful for coming back with excuses. I know it seems like I'm throwing it back it your face. And I'm being so frustrating. I need to stop, I know.

I'm driving myself mad with fear. I keep trying to think rationally and can't help thinking it's safer being with one possibly dangerous person than risking the many dangers of homelessness. I'm terrified of hostels and b&bs.

I know I sound spoilt, but I hung around with homeless people years ago. I played around with drugs (no addiction). There were lovely people but there were also some terrifying ones. Victims of bad lives but regardless of that, not nice people. I was lucky in that an older man looked after me. Never tried it on, was like a father figure. He put out word people would be glassed if they hurt me. It was so kind of him to want to protect me, but obviously just that violence was "normal" in that kind of world. I genuinely think a few bruises very occasionally is less risky.

I don't know if I'm making rational risk assessments of my situation or not. It's like a chant in my head, not being homeless. He doesn't beat me really, never been in hospital, and it's hardly ever.
I think you're right. He seems to prefer me being dependant. He gets angry about paying for things but every time I've starting getting better, making appointments, making it to the shops, it seems to coincide with an argument or him being in a bad mood (not always with me). I wonder if he wants to control if and when things completely end. I feel horrible saying that though. He's been so nice recently. I don't want to hurt him. Also don't want to force him to stay if he wants to leave. I just want to ask him to give me an extra few months to give me time to get well but I'm scared he'll blow up if I ask. Both of us are on the lease but either one of us can end it. It's out of contract period.

I'm sorry, I need to stop posting long rambling rubbish. I'm going to try to stop posting for at least a day or so. Unless it's short and maybe less defeatist.

I'm not making sense even to myself. Sorry, really sorry. I'll stop posting these long rambles. Getting it out now. As usual, I'll regret it later. I don't know if it's me being paranoid but basically I feel like I can't win. I'm sure it's just fear, my worse fears taking over, but I can't help worrying. Even if we both agree to leave, he hands notice on the flat and I don't beg him to stay, I'm scared he'll take out any stress or tension on me. So I won't be able to even try to get a refuge or get to it.

I'm so tired now, I keep staying up late going round in circles. I promise you I really had decided to leave. The doctor stuff completely destroyed all my plans. My health was getting better. I felt able to look for part-time work. Doctor stuff shattered my confidence. And now he's putting pressure on, threatening to leave again, so I'm trying not to panic but it's hard.

But I have to keep trying don't I? Try to help myself instead of whining on here. I have to wait for the protests to end but it's just one more week. Then I can get to the hospital. I'm scared even of getting a cold in the meantime. Last time I was ill he wouldn't let me rest, he came back drunk and angry. I was in bed. He ended up storming out after a violent rage. I had a chesty cough but couldn't sleep because I was scared. He blocked me on phone. I didn't know what he'd do next. Scared of him not coming back, scared of him coming back. I ended up with a chest infection.

I'll try to keep trying. I owe it to all of you here. You've taken too much of your time trying to help me. I don't want to waste your time. I'm also very aware I'm using a parenting site. I shouldn't be on here. I'm so so ashamed about not having children. Not getting housing because of not having children is so painful because it reminds me so much of what I failed at. I feel worthless in society. I want to be a mother so much so I suppose it affects me more than if I chose not to be a parent? I don't think I'll get the chance now. I don't feel like I belong. I hope I don't offend anyone who's childless, I know I'm not the only one but it's my fault. I should have tried harder but I thought I shouldn't push it under the circumstances with him.

Sorry I really should shut up and go to bed. I'm going to try very hard to not post, at least not for a few days and no more long rambles.

Stop apologising! You’re allowed to share how you feel. You shouldn’t feel guilty. You get to decide if and when and how much you share. And you owe us nothing. You owe it to yourself to do what’s right for you.

“Not getting housing because of not having children.....”
We understand this is a concern, but
this hasn’t happened to you.

If it helps to write, keep writing.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to post today but saw how awful I sound in my posts above.

I sound horrible and selfish. Please believe me, I know children are all that matters. They need help because they're helpless. I let him hit me, kick me, hurt me. As an adult I had the chance to leave. I didn't so it's my fault. Please don't think I don't realise that. I didn't mean it to sound like I resented children. Obviously children are the most in need, rightly so. I just feel so ashamed, not having any. I still toy with TTC again though I know it's wrong in my situation.

Maybe that's why I'm more sensitive about it. I'm terrified of being homeless but also wanted children so much, more than anything. So seeing that report by Women's Aid and Refuge sort of confirmed my own feelings of worthlessness. I'm so tired. Thank you for being so kind but really I want to stop being so self-pitying. I'm going to at least stop posting when I'm so tired. It's too much pathetic and self-indulgent rubbish.

What the hell...I've lost the goodwill of people anyhow so I may as well ramble on with more self pity. I am sorry. I'm so tired I can't express it clearly so more ramble. There's so much I've just had no-one to tell. I've kept it all in, buried it, or started telling someone (at s charity, DV or similar) but then I lose my courage to go back.

I feel so pathetic. I don't even like where I live. So much I don't feel able to say. Even little things like right now I'm exhausted, so tired I feel sick when I try to just drink water. I suppose I'm not 100% and need to sleep or rest. But I can't go to bed now. He's out drinking. I don't feel safe sleeping when he comes in. I know almost certainly I'll be fine but just those few times when it isn't ok, I can't help worrying about. I can help feeling scared. I never know if, when he may start up. Even if not hurting me, he's broken things, left cooker on, things that mean I don't feel safe being asleep until he's back and settled. Then he'll shout (for all the neighbours to hear) that I'm begging him to stay, that I'm blaming him for my problems, that I'm mental, a useless cunt who's ruined his life and who everyone hates. It's so humiliating.

So I'm pathetic enough to beg him to stay here. I'm begging someone who has physically and emotionally hurt me to stay. I'm begging to stay somewhere I'm unhappy. I have no self respect.

I know part of this is tiredness. I feel so down and panicked when tired. I'll try to rest now and get an early night once he's in bed later. I really am sorry for all this rambling.

Please stop apologising, plantlife! Have a look at all your posts and see how often you've said, "I'm sorry". There is nothing for you to be sorry about.

Post away, all of us on this thread want to support you. You're in an awful situation, your husband is cruel. How much longer can you take it?

Plantlife It’s not easy being in your situation. A lot of us have been there, we know what it’s like. One day you can be all up and positive, swearing that you’ll leave tomorrow, and the next day you’ll be down on the floor thinking it’s better just to put up with all the abuse. We all went through this, and we all went through knock backs and disappointment and despair. Don’t think you’re alone, because you’re not. WE’re not cross with you for not magically jumping to attention, and we’re not fed up with you for expressing the thoughts we all thought when we were where you are. We know how hard it is.

What you need to do is spend your time getting actual concrete information, about the law, about the procedure, about what you entitled to. What your partner says and what the law says are very different things. Do you think he’d have to work so hard trying to convince you if it wasn’t. If all he said was true then he wouldn’t even need to say it, because he’d know you’d meet brick walls if you even tried. He could comfortably let you crack on safe in the knowledge that you’d be back again, more down than before because you really did have no choice. It would do his job for him so he could sit back and let you do as you wished, his job would be done for him. He knows full well that what he’s telling you is bullshit, and that if you did actually go to the council if he gives up the lease, or if you did tell the police what he was up to, then you’d be helped out of there and he’d be in the shit. He’s filling your head with all this shit because he wants to make you scared to try, and it’s working. If he didn’t need to waste energy on it then he wouldn’t, let’s face it, he wouldn’t need to.

He doesn’t want you gone, he wants you exactly where he’s got you. He doesn’t want you better and working and having a full and happy life, because he knows very well that he’d be ditched in a second. He’s filling your head full of shit to frighten you into doing what he wants. What he doesn’t want you doing is finding out those facts for yourself, because he knows they aren’t the truth, because he knows the truth will diminish his power.

Look, it’s frustrating being where you are, and even when we’re at our most determined we suffer setbacks, but the most positive thing you can do for yourself is go and find out the truth, because in this instance, the truth is what will set you free.. Call CAB as PP suggested, get them to refer you to Shelter. Look on Shelter’s web site to find out the law as it applies to you. Call Rights Of Women if you can, their London helpline is open during the day, although it takes some persistence to get through. Throw it all out there, the truth, and find out the truth for yourself. You don’t have to commit to anything, but you can arm yourself with the information so when he starts spouting his bullshit again you can think, well, that’s bollocks, you’re chatting utter shit, fuck off. Once you can do that you’ll be surprised how empowering that feels.

He is not the font of all knowledge in the world, and even if he was, he’d not give any of that knowledge to you, because he doesn’t want you to have it, but it is all out there for you to find if you want it. You are entitled to it, and he doesn’t have the right to deny you of it.

I'm so tired but just wanted to thank you. I don't know how to thank you but your support's made me feel less alone. I want to use that to be strong. In the past, he's said he'll destroy me. I actually think he'd do that rather than have us simply go separate ways. I'm scared the people involved will recognise this but need to sort of explain. It may be out of his hands. There's been complaints about us so we might get asked to leave. I have to speak to someone tomorrow. Feel sick about it and dreading telling him. The tension will be awful with him if it happens. I need to try to get out of this. I want to be ok. I actually don't think I can take it much longer.

I'm just so scared to risk trying. It's always a risk leaving a not great but familiar situation I suppose. He ended up staying out tonight. I'm relieved in a way but also a bit worried. It wasn't expected. He said he was too drunk to come back.

I need to sleep now but I'm going to try so hard to start fresh tomorrow, read through again all the support and advice here. I'll try to ask for help again. I think I'll start with the gp. It's ridiculous but the thought of maybe I would get help is still terrifying. The change, I suppose? It's been so many years now.

Plantlife please try to ask for help. He’s going to be pissed off when he finds out anyway so you have two choices. Hopefully make inroads into getting some help to get away from him and suffer his rage in the knowledge that you’ve already told someone and someone knows, or face his rage on your own, when nobody knows.

It might not feel like it, but it sounds like you’re facing a potentially good opportunity here. It sounds like things might be coming to a head with your current housing situation. You can direct what happens next if you can find the courage to speak out.Change is terrifying, I understand that, but you’d be surprised how quickly you can get used to a new normal. Just look at the normal you’ve learned to accept over just a few short years.

Trust yourself, you have more in the tank than you realise, and all you need to tap into that power is a bit of support. Don’t under estimate yourself, you do yourself a massive disservice by doing that.

Keep coming on here, talking to us. I always look out for your updates. We aren’t expecting miracles but we can help you find that inner strength. We can do amazing things when we have our sisters behind us, so please use us for support, even if you just want to have a good old moan. your feelings matter.

Please try to tell your GP.
If we could drive you to the appointment & walk in with you, we would.
(And we’d take you out for lunch after. )

Thank you much. Your kindness is genuinely overwhelming for me. I don't feel I deserve it.
I suppose you're right. Maybe coming to a head. I'm so scared of it all, including being without him, and I'm scared of being turned down for help. I know I've had kind responses from different charities but its stuck in my head, the bad experience. I need to move on, I know!

I can't sleep. So tired but too busy worrying. Im going to try again now. Since the bad doctor, I feel I can't talk to a GP unless I'm really with-it or they won't believe anything I say. So I need to sleep. I'm going to try to do it though. I wish it was all ok. I don't want to be without him. It sounds so mad. I don't want to lose him or betray him or let him down, but at the same time scared of him. He was being lovely just before in messages.

I'm going to keep trying. I need to keep all of you, your wonderful kindness in my head instead of all the bad stuff.

That’s a great way of putting it. Yes we so would walk you in. Perhaps we can do it virtually. Not sure how to do a virtual lunch though!

You're all being so lovely and kind. I feel a bit better today, more calm and in control. I actually slept ok for once. I messed up though. The flats are so on top of each other, you hear so much of the neighbours. My neighbour's off work or working from home today. I think they wouldn't actually hear what I say but I felt too frozen to speak on the phone, like I can't talk freely. I hear mumbled conversations, usually can't make out what they say bit occasionally I can. The truth is ages ago he told me he recorded me here. I didn't want to say as it's yet another identifying thing from old posts somewhere else. Anyway I feel safer making calls in one room. Silly but I think he's more likely to have any recording equipment in the other room.

I can't afford to waste time though. I've decided, if neighbour around tomorrow, just ignore it and still try to make the calls. I think now I'm prepared mentally for it, I can do it. I shouldn't worry really, I'm so private but the neighbours have heard such humiliating awful stuff it doesn't matter really.

I managed to delay speaking to the person today about the flat. I don't think I'll get away with delaying again. I've decided not to tell him yet. Trying to prepare first.

I did make a small bit of progress. I booked a gp phone appointment (booked online) for this week. I'm thinking though I should change it and ask for a double appointment? It's not something I think I can explain in 10 minutes.

I've also been thinking about the bad experience, when I was told I couldn't have a refuge just in case something happens. I'm not sure if it's because there are so many other women in much more serious immediate danger, in which case that makes sense. I'm not sure if it's that it or it's the way I tried to explain things and what I said. I can't help it, I couldn't bring myself to say I wanted a refuge. They asked and I said I didn't want one but thought I might need one. Do you think I didn't explain properly? I do feel a bit of a fraud too. He has been violent in the past, but although he still says and shouts horrible things, he hadn't physically harmed me for ages. He takes it out in furniture and walls now. They may think any fear I have of him is more by mental health, not being able to move on.

I know it's all just my worries for now. I need to actually try to ask for help again and then see what happens. I feel ready to leave today actually. I'm obviously not sorted and he's back soon, but I really think I could cope. I hope I can stay like this, stay this confident.

Thanks for letting me ramble. It may not seem like it but I really do feel better today. I'm still scared about lots of things but I feel like I can see a possible way out again and I feel clearer about what my worries are. I also feel clearer about what to do.

It’s brilliant you’ve made an appointment.
Abuse isn’t just punches. It’s not being a fraud not to want to be shouted at and have awful things said to you.
You’re not rambling. You’re really not.

Well done for booking the GP. Please try to remain strong and talk to them. Just those words, I’m being abused by my partner and I need help should get things moving.

Domestic abuse isn’t just about being physically attacked. In many ways the physical stuff is the easiest to deal with. If it was just violence it would be much easier to get out, but it’s all the hidden harm caused by the psychological abuse that does the damage. It’s that that’s stopping you reaching out for help. It’s easy enough to get yourself out the way of a violent temper, or call the police when you’re bruised and bleeding, and if it were just a case of that then tha way out would be straight forward. Lie I said above, it’s the making you scared, making you doubt yourself, grinding you down so much that you no longer know what’s acceptable and what isn’t that is why you’re in this situation. The violence is just the tip of the ice berg. Professionals do understand this, and if they don’t then they’re being neglectful of their duties not to.Once you find someone who will listen though, things will be easier. It’s easy for us to say this on here, I understand this, but it’s in real life that you need to see evidence of this. ou need to drop your guard just long enough to be honest though. There is help, but nobody can help if you don’t ask for it.

Good luck with the GP. I hope they’re understanding. Please keep coming on here to take strength. It’s so easy to get all built up and ready, then to feel frustrated and stop. Keep talking to us and we’ll try to keep you afloat.

Sorry, my keyboard needs a charge and it keeps missing out letters. I hope you can understand my post.

Firstly read this:
www.housingadviceni.org/splitting-partner-when-you-rent-privately
Has he told you that the lease ends if either one of you leave or are you 100% sure about this??

Next, read this:
www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm.
Especially look at the section about 'It is still domestic abuse if...' this will help your thinking with regards to saying things like "he's never put me in hospital". Also look at the model of the cycle of abuse, how it isn't always terrible. why and how that affects the victim.

You sound in no way. shape or form spoilt. And I can only admire you for having the resolution not to have children with him. I wasn't so clever.

You have let out another of his traits today - taking it out on walls and furniture. (Not accusing you of dripfeeding!!) This is a major sign of an abuser - it's a thinly veiled threat to you that he is capable of doing the same to you.

Then he'll shout (for all the neighbours to hear) that I'm begging him to stay, that I'm blaming him for my problems, that I'm mental, a useless cunt who's ruined his life and who everyone hates. It's so humiliating.
You know who this humiliates - him. NO-ONE could hear this and think anything other than poor you, what on earth are you having to deal with here.

Exactly what Whatisthisfuckery said:
I am being abused by my partner and I need help.
Well done making an appointment.

You've all been so wonderful, thank you so much. I'll read through your replies properly later. He's in the bath. Quick panic. Probably just complete coincidence but he mentioned MN. We were talking about something unrelated to this thread. He pays the internet bill. Could he track my internet usage? I'm.probably just panicking. It was once suggested by a charity I get my phone checked. Would a normal mobile phone shop be able to check there's no tracking thing in it? I don't want the police. Sorry for the panic. I'm probably being paranoid.

I've been thinking about it. I don't think he knows about this. I think I just massively panicked. I think he read something in one of the papers about MN. It was completely unrelated to this. I need to be careful though. I've got into this habit of talking to myself. Just because I'm so cut off. I still think he was just trying to scare me when he said about recording the flat, but anyway I need to stop talking to myself. All the neighbours must absolutely think I'm mad.

Thank you, Twillow, for the links. Thank you all again.

Plantlife I talk to myself all the time, I wouldn’t worry too much. Lots of people do. I doubt he’s recording the flat, he doesn’t need to. He knows he’s got you scared anyway, why waste the time and energy.

Do you use a private browser for MN? It’s a bugger because you have to log in each time but at least it won’t be in your history.

I very much suspect he under estimates you. He’s got you terrified to breathe out of turn, so he probably thinks that’s enough. Obviously don’t bank on it if there’s ever any evidence that he does the things he says he does, but if you’ve never seen any evidence of it then I’d call bullshit.

Are you going to make some calls today?

NDN is here again. I know it's not their fault but I feel gagged and desperately want them to go out. I'm trying to pretend they're not in but I can't help it. I just know I'll hold back when taking to anyone. Not deliberately, I'll try to speak freely but something subconscious in me will hold me back. I don't know what to do. Thinking I'm cursed. I feel so much clearer in my mind.

I know it sounds like excuses, I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating but it really is so completely unprivate. The room I'm in was originally part of their flat. It's the same room really, with a thin wall. I know what they're doing, tbh I've heard interesting things (I'm nosy, I suppose) but I know it works both ways.

I'm actually telling myself it doesn't matter, they've heard so much already, but I need to be strong and assert myself in one of the calls, and I can't work up that strength with an audience.. I'm trying. I can't think of how to describe how I feel but it's horrible. I've always hated it..it's like being in a goldfish bowl. When we first moved here, I begged him to let us give notice and leave. I remember a few times crying, I felt so miserable here (other issues with it I won't waste your time on). He'd get violent when I cried or was upset (he often did when I cry, says things like I'll give you something to cry about). I ended up giving up.

I feel bad. You must think I'm being useless now. Excuses. I even considered not telling you, just not writing here, but I decided I might as well try to write it down.

Yes, btw. I think you're right. I think he wouldn't spend the money apart from anything else on any recording equipment. I try to ignore it and sometimes I do make calls on the other room. But every so often I get this frozen fear just in case. Being honest I tend to make calls in there only when he's away for a few days. It feels safer.

I want to go and get the horrible call over with but my confidence has gone. I'm not making sense to myself so can't expect anyone else to understand. After several bad experiences, GP, charity, etc, I really feel like it's now or never when I call anyone about it. It's like the first impression thing. I'm trying so hard to not let the neighbour being here affect me but I can't help it. It's happened loads before, I hold back when taking but not deliberately. I can hear them on the phone now which doesn't help. I can't here any sneezing or coughing and they've made work calls so I don't think they're off sick. I suppose they could have a different illness. Its unusual for them. They usually work 9-5 type hours.