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is this abuse?

975 replies

plantlife · 06/09/2019 22:05

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

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plantlife · 09/10/2019 02:51

Sorry, last post was far too long.

This happened couple of years ago but since then I've played into his hands. Slowly fell apart.

Police came a few times after that incident but definitely believed him. I called them twice in one night. That was when he was really drunk, angry, grabbed a knife chanting kill the bitches. know it's my fault, again too scared to tell truth but there was no proof, no marks on me. (Actually, I've found a recording but they could just say he was drunk and not hurting me).

Anyway, police that night were female. First time, always been male officers before. I t seems stupid but they were the least kind (really fed up and treated me like nuisance caller). Felt worse that they were female and not understanding. I know thats irrational

I found the note they gave me. Says"No allegations made and no injuries". I know that's true but that was the night they referred him to a domestic abuse charity and offered to drive him to a place of safety.

I feel so ashamed to tell you all this. It feels like it must be me.

I still think he did it all to protect himself but I feel so hurt. He didn't need to, I'd told them nothing happened and I just panicked in an argument. He also made out to the paramedics I was his ex who couldn't let go of us splitting up. Their report describes him as a friend. He did say ages ago we aren't together and I was fine but then he'd be the one to ask to cuddle or kiss, and obviously also get violent when drunk or angry.

Sorry, rambling again. I needed to tell someone about it all but feel so bad because it seems like I'm just finding excuses. It was just so horrible.

The neighbour called the police a few months later and they didn't even ask me if he'd hurt me. They thought it was a neighbour dispute

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plantlife · 09/10/2019 02:54

I really do need to shut up now. I'm so sorry for bringing negativity to this. You've all been so kind and supportive. I know I need to move forwards. Its just been on my mind the past few days. I really am being stupid anyway because he's being so nice. I'm tempting fate by bringing up old stuff. I think now it's off my chest I can let it go?

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Flavarings · 09/10/2019 06:40

Plantlife, I hope you've managed to get some sleep. None of that is OK, and none of that is your fault! Xx

Wolfiefan · 09/10/2019 08:39

Sometimes you do have to get things off your chest. Sometimes it’s part of processing what happened and then you can move on.

cakeandchampagne · 09/10/2019 09:56

You aren’t “...tempting fate by bringing up old stuff.” You are just sorting it in your head.

Can you say how you met him? How does he compare to any guys you dated before him?

Whatisthisfuckery · 09/10/2019 12:05

Plantlife The female officers don’t sound very good, but don’t make the mistake of projecting your own feelings onto them. They seemed off and unkind but that could have been for any number of reasons not related to you. They could have been at the end of a 12 hour shift, they could have felt frustrated after seeing this same scenario 1000 times before and being unable to help because you didn’t tell them what happened.

Please don’t try to read other people’s minds, they’re rarely if ever thinking what you think they are. Your posts on this threads are full of what you think we’re thinking and we’re not thinking it at all.There is a well known list of destructive thought patterns that we get into when we have low self esteem and mind reading is one of them, as is black and whit thinking, where we categorise everything as either good or bad and completely ignore the bits that are grey areas. I’ll post something up in a bit for you to read.

The paramedics report is unfortunately like that because that is the sheet they have to fill out. They don’t have time for in-depth reports so it’s just, does she have capacity, tick, did she want help, cross. I’ve had these myself and they look incredibly harsh and wrong when you think about them with emotion, but really all they are is a quick record of the events as they present. It’s not personal, I promise.

Honestly, don’t worry about hashing stuff out on here, that’s what we’re here for. We wouldn’t reply if we didn’t want to. Every day I check my Watching tab to see if you posted, and I’m choosing to do that.

I’ll be back a bit later to post a the link I said I would.

Stay strong etc. X

Whatisthisfuckery · 09/10/2019 13:49

Here you go. It’s quite brief but there plenty more resources available if you google.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201501/10-thinking-errors-will-crush-your-mental-strength

plantlife · 09/10/2019 15:09

Thank you again for all being so nice. I'm sorry about the ridiculous rambles in the night.

Thank you, Whatisthisfuckery, I'll read through it. I know I need to get my head together.

It's difficult because every single time I'm started to be more positive, he seems to notice or know. I feel so guilty for saying this because it could be sometimes coincidence but it always seemed to coincide with him being in an extra stressed or angry mood. So it's hard to stay down and not capable around him whilst also snapping out of it. He notices. Don't know if that makes sense.

I know it's in the past. I think my main concern is how to get help if I need it. The police think it's me having mental health crisis. I 100% don't ever want to involve the police but on an emergency I don't think they'd believe me unless I waited until visible injuries.

I genuinely wasn't struggling with mental health until that night. Even then it was just at the time because of having had him violently rant at me for the past hour, telling me to kill myself.

Now my medical record has me down as mentally unstable. He tells me they all know what Ii like. He says he'll tell the police it's me.

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plantlife · 09/10/2019 15:17

I know I'm not making sense. What I mean is today I actually feel a bit better and stronger. I usually sort myself out when I'm like this. But he knows, he notices, if I seem ok. Just chatting without sounding down, not mentioning my pain (the health stuff), just not sort of slumping. Even little signs that I'm trying to get together, like washing my hair or doing the cleaning. He'll know. So I could snap out of it, think positive now but then have to get back into a less happy state when he's back from work.

I'm probably being really unfair on him. He's being perfectly nice and perhaps would like me happier and out and about again. It's all in the past probably.

The police stuff. It's obviously upsetting that they see what happened as me having a mental health crisis (when it was him being violent) but main issue is that means if ever I needed help, they believe him. They believed him that I was a controlling abuser who threatened suicide when he said he was leaving. I promise that's not true. But they believed it.

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plantlife · 09/10/2019 15:23

I mean, in the worse case, in an emergency, if he started but no visible injuries, I wouldn't get help from them because they believe him.

Would the recording, him chanting kill the bitches, be enough to prove it's not me? The actual 999/101 (can't remember which I dialled) was recorded on my phone too. You can heard him violently raging. Neighbours definitely heard him several times but they wouldn't want to get involved. I wouldn't want them to because he's threatened them (to me, they don't know). I don't ever want to get him into trouble. Just if the worse came to the worse, and he tried to claim it was me. I feel so guilty because this was all in the past and things have moved on.

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Whatisthisfuckery · 09/10/2019 16:48

The police can only act on what is in front of them at the time. They may well have had their own thought about what was going on but they can only go by procedure. It kind of doesn’t matter whether they thought it was you who was mental or not, if you didn’t tell them otherwise they just have to record what happened, what they were told, what they observed etc. It doesn’t mean they wouldn’t have believed you, they would have, but they can’t read minds and they can’t act if they’re not asked to. They get it all the time, called out to domestic incidents then the woman is too frightened to speak to them. They can hardly force you to talk at that point and they can’t act if no complaints are made.

It doesn’t matter if your medical notes say your mental, so do mine if that’s any consolation. I’m certainly not mental and nor are you. Your medical notes saying your mental won’t stop the police from investigating and acting on allegations. They don’t have your medical notes when they come to see you and they don’t use them while deciding how to proceed with complaints, that would be against the law. He can say what the fuck he likes about you, it won’t make a jot of difference if he starts and you call the police. They will decide how to proceed, and they see arseholes like him all the time. They aren’t stupid. Just because he’s ground you down so much that you take every word out of his mouth as gospel, doesn’t mean they will. They’ll look at a situation and take everything into account in that situation, not what happened three years ago.

Don’t get confused between what the police did when you wouldn’t speak to them with what they will do if you do speak to them. They’ve already referred you before, so you know they will do that, but you have to be honest otherwise they can’t help you. Like I said, they aren’t going to section you just because he says your nuts. There’s a process for sectioning someone, and it doesn’t start with John telling a copper that his misus is mad. You wouldn’t go anywhere near MH assessment until they had properly observed you and talked to you, and by that time I think the situation would be pretty clear. I know the MH system inside out, have been sectioned myself, and I know how it goes. You have nothing to worry about on that score, I can 100% guarantee you of that. He’s talking shit.

Remember the app I told you about. Something that happened three years ago won’t help but you can get evidence using the app. It’s designed for people like you.

Re the acting normal thing: This is where support comes in. The more support you get the stronger you’ll be. In my experience there came a point where I just got on with it, and if he started I just walked ff and threatened to call the law. When you have support and feel stronger you can do that, because it becomes harder for them to beat you down. It’s the only way to get out of it I’m afraid. You have to move smart to keep him from getting suspicious, but if he starts you need to have the courage to not let him get away with it. Courage calls to courage my dear, you need to stop fixating on catastrophic permutations in your mind and look at the bigger picture.

Anyway I’m rambling, because I keep getting disturbed and someone is making a racket outside. Don’t be afraid of the police, if you’re honest with them they will believe you, no matter what’s happened before. Hold your head up high and stop believing all his bullshit.

plantlife · 09/10/2019 18:21

Have to be quick now but just wanted to thank you so much. I've calmed down. Whatisthisfuckery, thank you. Your post made me stop and rethink, calm down. It's so hard, I think I really need to get outside to clear my head. I hope that's sorted soon, all the health stuff. Suppose I'm just thinking myself into a panic whilst stuff in.

Cakeandchampagne. It was through friends. I felt safe but didn't realise that the time he had only recently met them. I thought he was an old friend of theirs. Thinking back, I haven't really had a normal relationship. The only other long-term wasn't violent except twice but he was sexually abusive. It seem serious at the time. Now I realise he was abusive. I know I need to break my pattern if I get out of this. Tbh I don't think I ever want to risk being in an intimate relationship again.

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Twillow · 09/10/2019 18:48

Hi Plantlife. So sorry to read your latest updates and what a struggle it has been. It must feel so very personal that your encounters with police seem to count against you - but as an outsider, it seems to me that they can only act on what you tell them. It's perfectly understandable that you panicked and said it was nothing - but they can't read your mind and know that you didn't mean it, even if they wanted to - they're not allowed to put words in your mouth, so to speak.
Your history with partners/family will be making you feel like you deserve this. It's NOT TRUE. Keep telling yourself - I DON'T DESERVE THIS, I AM A GOOD PERSON or whatever mantra really feels strong and true to you. Stop being afraid of consequences and start believing everyone on here that you are not going to get him into trouble, police do not spontaneously press charges without a victim's wishes (unless he causes you serious bodily harm and I hope that won't happen to you) just as you are not going to get sectioned willy nilly on his say so.
For what it's worth, I believe everything you have said. And I wish so much I could help more. But every time you post, you recall more awful things, get more aware and this is a good thing.

Twillow · 09/10/2019 18:51

Think about what you would say to the police on the next occasion - something like -
Please help me
I'm not safe here
I need a place of safety
I want to go to a refuge

None of these are accusations against your partner but they do tell the truth and should get you listened to and given a chance to speak without him listening.

plantlife · 09/10/2019 23:23

Thank you so much. You've all really reassured me. I don't think about it much (after it happened, I couldn't stop thinking about it for a few months). It just came back on my mind. Maybe because I'm writing about it, maybe because I was considering leaving and how to leave, maybe because I'm so stuck physically at the moment. I don't want to seem ungrateful and ignore your advice. I can't help blaming myself at least partly. I used to be able to physically walk away but didn't. Now I can't. I know my health will get better, it's just hard waiting. He's still being so nice at the moment so thats good at least. I'm just aware he could change if things go wrong, outside stressed, etc. Maybe I'm being unfair though because he is really making an effort.

Thanks so much again. I really hope you know that you have all really helped, even though me still moaning here doesn't seem like it. I need to take your advice. I'm trying.

I managed to install and setup the app. So that's a start.

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Whatisthisfuckery · 11/10/2019 09:19

@Plantlife Well done for setting up the app. Baby steps, baby steps, we know you can’t just click your fingers.

How are you today. My internet is on the blink so I’ve been trying to sort that out. What are you up to today?

cakeandchampagne · 11/10/2019 13:54

Being hyper-aware of how his moods affect your safety is a sign of abuse- even if he is acting “nice” sometimes.
Flowers

plantlife · 11/10/2019 18:08

I'm sorry. I didn't want to come back without having done something to move forwards. I reread the thread the other day and realised I'd already written about the police ambulance incidents. I've been repeating myself, sorry.

Bit down today. Feel like a sitting duck until I can get outside. Its just one more week until I can go to the hospital. Not too long but stressful waiting. There's potential tension with him (about something that's going on) but he seems mostly ok for now. He's away tonight but only one night. I tried to speak to someone today, a support organisation (not for abuse) but it went wrong. I do seem to make people lose patience with me.

Sorry. What a miserable post. Just a few things have gone wrong the past two days. I'll sort it out, it's just hard.

I keep trying to think positive. Thinking of possibly finally feeling safe, being in a safe settled home. I wish I could turn the clock back but I suppose lots of people do.

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plantlife · 11/10/2019 18:55

Sorry, I forgot to say, I hope you get your internet sorted, Whatisthisfuckery.

Thank you again all of you for not (at least openly) minding me rambling. I was feeling lonely and down today, and couldn't find anywhere to talk in real-life, but feel better now I've written it down. I feel stronger on this thread. I can't help feeling scared about bad experiences happening again, being turned away, or feeling like a fraud - what he did is in the past, and other women are at risk right now. I can't stop worrying about tension setting him off though, when if it is unfair of me. I wish it was all finally over, the constant worrying. I know a lot of its in me, to make the changes.

I'm going to try to relax this evening. Eat something, put the TV or radio on. I really hope I can come back here soon and update with something positive. I don't want to keep moaning and repeating myself!

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plantlife · 12/10/2019 03:02

I feel so horribly guilty because you've all been so so kind and wonderful and tried so hard to help me. I feel what I'm about to write is throwing it back into your face. I'm so sorry. I'll regret this probably in the morning but I feel a need to write my fears. I know I'm focusing on worst fears. And that's what got me to this stage. If I'd taken to risk to leave sooner, I was still working, in better health.

Anyway. Sorry. Panicking. I saw a report on Refuge and Women's Aid. They tweeted about it. I'm not on twitter (used to be but he knew about it). They're saying almost all women leaving abuse without dependant children aren't considered priority need when needing housing. Thus is what I'm so scared about. And ashamed. Obviously children are priority. I just wish there was help for women too. It's also extra painful because I always so desperately wanted children.

Sorry for being on such a selfpitying downer. I suppose I have two choices. Stay and keep behaving and hope he lets me get better so I can work and afford housing. Or risk trying to find refuge space and rely on being able to get health well enough in time for when they need me to leave.

I know I need to try to be strong. Not give up? I feel I don't deserve help because I've failed as a woman to have children. It's official on the report. Sorry.

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Rachelover60 · 12/10/2019 03:29

It sounds like he did injure your ear drum. What on earth was the matter with the man doing something like that, never mind calling you foul names so loudly that neighbours could hear?

I'm damned if I'd stay with someone like him, he's vile.

You say you have no money? Can you not work, even a few hours? That would boost your confidence no end. Take professional advice and don't worry about getting him into trouble, he should be in trouble but I doubt the law will do anything much to him.

Please stop apologising and blaming yourself for this man's appalling behaviour towards you. He does not look after you, if he did you wouldn't be so scared, housebound and unhappy.

Wolfiefan · 12/10/2019 08:50

You’ve failed at nothing.
You know that long term “behaving” won’t turn him into the loving partner you deserve. You won’t ever be able to relax and one day he may hurt you so much worse than before.
But you can plan. Work on the health stuff and find a way to get out. Doesn’t have to be today. Or tomorrow. But it can still happen.
You deserve so much more than this.

Twillow · 12/10/2019 18:46

keep behaving and hope he lets me get better

Read those words again.

Would you tell anyone else to do that?

Treat yourself with the same kindness and encouragement that you would give others. I know you don't have the opportunity to do that for others right now. But I think you would like to have more rewarding human contact?

plantlife · 13/10/2019 00:06

I don't know if I'm going to make it through this. I'm so so frightened of being homeless. He knows it. When he's being horrible, he'll taunt me, saying he'll just get a suspended sentence but I'll be homeless if the police arrest and charge him. I don't want him arrested, it's him that brings it up.

It's completely in his control now whether I can get well again. If he decides to give notice on the flat now, I'll be homeless. Domestic abuse charity probably wouldn't help as they'll say he's leaving so no risk, although if I stay on after leaving date (to ge evicted), it will impact him and he won't be happy. Even if I get a refuge space, that report I resc yesterday confirms my fears. I'll be homeless after the refuge. I need him. He hadn't been violent for a while, and anyway a few bruises really is better than homelessness. If rather he knocked me out to be honest than that.

I won't have time to get well and try to get get work. He'll also not let up until he actually leaves, so I'd have no chance to try to find somewhere to live. Before we moved here, he said we weren't together. I tried to find new place, had money, but he started up, every time I was going to view somewhere or call someone.

When we moved here we both said just stay until lease was up for renewal then move on separately. He was arrested the week after we moved in. He just went mad, hitting, kicking. Kept happening over the months. I ended up losing my jobs, health got worse, so I was stuck. Then we got to lease renewal and I had to beg him to stay. It's been like that ever since. The past few months, the past few times he's been angry, I've begged him to let me get well, turn up to appointments. After he stopped me (not always physically), he'd say I should have thought about that before making him angry. Now he's being nice but saying it's not his responsibility if I'm not well and he has the right to leave. That's true but he really did stop me getting well in the past. But to be fair to him, the past two months is because of the old doctor. If they hadn't stopped my medication I'd be well enough to work at least part time by now.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to post again. Certainly not another rambled defeatist post. I'm just so scared of being homeless.

I going to stop posting repetitive whines and try to work out if there's anything I can do.

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Twillow · 13/10/2019 01:34

I understand your fears. But they are manipulating your thinking.
It's difficult and challenging to leave someone at the best of times, let alone an abusive relationship.
But it's already difficult and challenging for you where you are, so actually you don't have anything to lose. Move away from thinking that being beaten is better than being homeless, those are absolutely not your only two options.
Sure, refuge places are a priority for mothers and children. That doesn't mean you won't be given a place. Your medical and emotional issues mean that effectively you are disabled at present, so that will be taken into account. And once you have a place, you will be accessing support that will make sure you are helped to find somewhere to move on to.

I suspect he prefers you not to be well enough to work, so you have restricted income and access to other people and the outside world?
Is your name not on the lease? Have you thought about ringing organisations like Shelter or Citizen's Advice Bureau to see what your rights are and what help is available? Make sure you tell them that you are currently housebound and cannot get in to an office.

While I was meeting with a domestic abuse service, I was told if I needed a refuge place I could leave immediately and ring them - it might not be in my area but it would be found. At another point in my life when my landlord decided to sell up, I went to the council who although they had no houses said that I would be offered a bed and breakfast place if I couldn't find anything to rent in time.

There ARE options. You don't have to take massive decisions now but you are capable of investigating what those options are before you let your self-sabotaging subconscious persuade you that newspaper report means there is no hope and you might as well give up....

Your position is difficult but please please try to recognise the progress you have made from your initial post and the admissions about his behaviour that you have acknowledged. Keep hope and imagine a vision of a different future for yourself where you can choose what you do and be in your own home without fear.
I pictured having a cat.
I have had 3 cats since then! But at many points, while still in the relationship, I really did not think I would make it out alive, or if I did would ever regain any pleasure in life or trust in others. That's the reason I am on your side, because if I even could do it then I know you can too.

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