is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Twillow, he doesn't make me show him the phone so that's a good thing about him. I don't think he has the password but maybe I should change it just in case.

He pays the broadband bill. I don't think he can track websites I've visited though? I use the private browsing.

I should save the screenshots, photos, etc somewhere else though. I think it backs up to Google drive. Maybe I'll email everything to myself? I have a private email address just for me that he doesn't know.

Anyway, thank you all again so much. I feel a bit more confident.

You’re really sounding it. I’m so glad.

Whatisthisfuckery, thank you so much again for the app advice. I tried to register but I think I did my password wrong. I'm going to uninstall then reinstall to try again. It's so sad, I saw why it came about. It's so so horrible. I wish it hadn't happened.

I feel bad to turn down help offered especially after reading that. I must try to get myself sorted. Thank you again. I think for so long I panicked because of where I live. I am so frightened of being homeless. As this thread is going in a day, I'll say where I am. I'm from London and housing obviously is so bad here. I don't want to stay here but panicked nowhere else would want me because of not being from there. I think maybe it's partly an excuse to myself. Maybe Im also just scared of leaving full-stop but it doesn't help. I think next time I'm ready, I just take the rest so and get a train to wherever the refuge is. I wish so much I could get out of this myself though.

Everyone needs help and support sometimes. It’s a sign of strength to accept this and seek it out.

Thank you again, Wolfiefan. I can't thank you all enough. You've been so so kind to me. I felt so alone but posting here and the kindness and understanding has really given me some confidence back. Thank you.

I've had a last minute panic about this thread disappearing. It's been so helpful for me. I think in the past whenever Ive got to the stage of thinking I need to leave, when it goes wrong or I lose my nerve, it's so easy to let myself give up. This thread I think helping me not do that. I've just asked MNHQ to move it to Other Subjects (I'm still worried Relationships is too big and risky).

I know it may not be possible. I'm sure I'll manage if it isn't, but I suppose there's no harm asking. I'll start a new thread here if I need to. I actually don't know if I'd keep posting on this even if it's moved. I think it just helps knowing it's there. Especially if I struggle again if I need to ask for help with support places.

Thank you all so much again.

I'm really late to this thread but I've read it all and I am in awe of the strength you've found to post here. You don't need to apologise for anything my love. He's ground you down over years and turned your world about so you don't know which way is up. It's like you're drowning and he's holding your head under. I've been there as have others. Not anywhere near as bad as yours, but I know what the feelings of disorientation, walking on eggshells, trying to gauge his mood is like. You've done so incredibly well to get as far as you have over the course of the thread. Your eyes are opening to what's really going on. Each tiny baby step is a step in the right direction and a step to freedom. Bloody well done. You might not feeling it but you're doing amazingly well.

If you start a new thread feel free to tag me. Happy to offer support if you need it.

Hi, you’ve been moved.

Stay in touch. XX

I love your new place, @plantlife!

(Thank you, MNHQ.)

Thank you so much MNHQ! I don't know how to explain this. I didn't want to get my hopes up so it was a really really lovely surprise to see the thread still existing. It feels comforting. Thank you all for saying hello. Thank you.

Won't be around much for the weekend. He's gone to the shops but won't be out long. He's being really nice. I feel guilty again.

Here when you need us.

Thank you. I just typed a rambled post but I don't want to keep repeating myself annoying people going round in circles. I suppose it's enough to say he's being a little bit off at times but very very subtle. I just feel uneasy. Could just be me not getting over the past and him genuinely changed but I'm not sure. I try not to dwell on it but I wish the doctor hadn't taken away my best chance to leave without too much trauma. The past two months were a one off really, him being away so much.

I've made it this far though. Health slowly improving. I should be able to make a new plan, I hope. I might as well try. I keep telling myself there's no harm in planning even if he has changed.

Sorry, just rambled thoughts. He's gone to bed but I find it hard to get to sleep early. Gives me some time alone at least.

You’re not annoying anyone. It’s in his best interest to keep you uneasy. It’s a way of exerting control.

You're really not annoying. If anyone doesn't want to read they don't have to.

Another vote here for “not annoying”.

@plantlife how are you doing?

Sorry, I didn't want to post yet another not moved forwards post. I feel bad about not changing anything yet.

I think I'm having a slump. Ive been aimlessly browsing online including MN. I think I got a bit deflated after weeks and weeks of fighting for my medication. I'm going to try to get back on track. This happens a lot. I suppose I couldn't face dealing with it. I need to snap out of it, I know. He'll be ok for quite a while but then it can all change again just in a minute. He may stay nice but I need to be prepared.

I have to rearrange the start of my plans again. Ive got most of my medication back but one is hospital prescribed. I was going to try the walk in but it's in central London. I'm worried about the climate protests, they say they're blocking public transport. So I may wait for my routine appointment. Not sure when it is yet. I'm bit nervous about putting it off as stuck indoors really until I get it.

Sorry, big moany ramble! I'll get myself together tomorrow I think. Always bit strange after a weekend with him. Even though he's being nice.

You say moany ramble but actually I think you sound more together and assured that when you started posting. You sound clearer and much more determined. It’s not about suddenly leaving or doing something dramatic. It’s about finding a way to move forward safely to a better life. That can take time and planning. Stay safe.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Nobody is expecting you to suddenly come on here having left and be skipping around a sunny meadow. We aren’t expecting miracles, because we know it’s not like that. Stay in touch and ramble, moan, talk about the infestation of enormous daddy longlegs, what ever.You don’t get into a suffocating abusive situation over night, and unfortunately you don’t get out of one over night either. Just keep inching forward, if only in your mind and chatting on here.

I’m glad you’re doing alright. Usual advice applies. x

Thank you for being so nice. I feel like a fraud again. He's being really nice. I feel a bit in limbo until I can actually get out and about. The real world seems far away. Once my health is properly back on track I suppose I can start sorting everything else out. I just worry something else will go wrong.

I actually feel ok today but it sort of worries me. I've got comfortable in the past and then been unprepared when it's awful. He really is being nice though. I'll keep trying to prepare for the worst just in case although I feel a bit like I'm tempting fate.

Thank you all again for being so nice.

Plantlife. There's something in channel 4 called 'I am' about woman who are in relationships like yours. Maybe worth a watch? You'll see it's not just you going through it. :) stay strong, and ramble away, we wouldn't reply if you was annoying us. We just want the best for you and for you to be happy! X

You deserve nice and so much more. Hope you can get the health stuff properly under control. Being nice at the moment doesn’t mean a relationship is good.

“....browsing online....” could be very good for you. It gives you a peek at what’s out there.
Animals ready for adoption, houses for sale (I especially like looking at kitchens!), fashion (you need clothes- what looks & colors will you be shopping for?)— there’s so much just beyond your door!

I'm sorry. I can't sleep. I know I'm on a downer and need to snap out of it. I'll try again tomorrow to get myself more together. Thank you, Flavarings, I'll try to find the channel 4 thing online.

This is something I'm worrying about. It went downhill after this event. He really did make them believe it was my mental health. I remember paramedic asking me how long Id been feeling suicidal (I wasn't but briefly said it when the police said they were coming because I was terrified. He'd also been telling me to killl myself).

I'm so tired I probably shouldn't write about it now as I'm rambling but it's on my mind and I think I need to get it off my chest.

I found the report from paramedics the time he persuaded the police I was mentally ill. It says Assessment of Patients Best Interests. He signed it. Think it was for him as I was released to his "care") but he was drunk (he hid that from them) and didn't notice it on the table. I kept it.

I was in a state, crying, scared, and it's my fault for not telling the truth that he'd been hitting and kicking me, but actually I have visible bruises so they probably wouldn't have believed me. He was do calm and pleasant with them, making tea for the police, acting like a person desperate to help me with my "mental crisis".

The report says " She needs to receive help with her mental health". They ticked the box saying I'd benefit from a mental health assessment and they felt I was free to make my own decisions without external pressure. Didn't force me because I had capacity.

They completely believed him. Thats when I realised I needed help (domestic abuse, not mental) and told GP. They'd already seen bruises. They referred me to a DV support worker. She's the one who decided it was anxiety and closed my case without doing risk assessment or arranging to meet. At that point I was ready to leave but needed help. When she did that, I felt winded. She emailed gp saying it was just mental health. It's like they all helped him (police, paramedic, that support worker).