is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

Morning lovely.
Your poor messed up mind will definitely try to make you think you're not worth looking after and being healthy - fight it! Do some reading up on self-sabotage.

The guilt is normal - it's because you're a nice person! (I was terrified my ex would commit suicide as he'd threatened so many times...guess what, he's still around many years later. That threat was just to make ME feel bad.)

Spend this time while you're unsure of the next step to get your paperwork in order. I will message you what I did with mine!

I will miss checking in on your amazing journey every day so I hope you do start another thread now this one feels safer for you on here. You could just post a title Hello Again and us regulars would spot you!

I really hope this makes sense. I feel frozen mentally, like I can't explain it express anything. I can be normal(ish) if I prefend (to myself?) it's all alright, everything's ok. I could probably log on here on MN under a different name or account and chat normally on other threads, perhaps even give advice to people. Is this normal?

Anyhow. I feel like I'm sounding insincere when I thank you or reply. I truly truly hope you know I genuinely am being grateful. The support and kindness and understanding has actually overwhelmed me.

I genuinely was finally (I think) ready to leave. It had taken a long time and reaching out in the past hadn't led to me leaving. But I really had it planned. I felt so lost and alone after places of support when wrong.

So this thread, you all, my expressing it all, it's helped much. I know it doesn't seemike it. I've realised I'm not ready yet - again - to leave. But I need to be. It's already going weird with him again.

Today's s bad day for him. I think he's going to be funny later. Hopefully not too bad as long as he doesn't drink. I think the emotional stuff but I'll have to be on guard. I'm.on edge but it's actually encouraged me to get on with trying to regain strength.

I don't want to push it here. You've all been so understanding and patient. I don't want to make anyone angry. I know I shouldn't take up too much MN space.

This thread feels like my source of comfort. It's helping to write about it, but also just that I'm physically so cut off from the world right now, it feels like my anchor in the real world. It's also been like my safe space.

I guess if you don't mind I could start another when the 30 days is up. Do you think it might annoy other people? They might feel I've had enough space in 30 days? I could get it moved,maybe to relationships, but I'd feel like I was butting in on.other people's space and also this (30 days) now feels like my safe space.

I thought I'd either be told it was not so bad as in the past or I'd have left him.by now.

Sorry, just a quick worry ramble. Right this minute I'd leave tomorrow if I could drive and had somewhere to go. Today too late before he's back. After so many false starts I know I'll waver again but right now I feel ready. I'm massively on edge. He's been off with me, funny mood in his messages, all day. But I couldn't help reading another thread on MN and also I'm on the mailing list for a homeless charity (I sign petitions, etc). 2 people a day dying homeless.

So it's best I have a safe place to go before leaving? I'm so terrified of being homeless. I know it's more than that. I do have the fog I know realise. Also scared of being alone. I remember being so lonely at times when Iived in a bedsit. I was ok in a flat because you can do more there, bake, cook, potter about, soak in a bath. But a bedsit was very claustrophobic and lonely. I was a student but had taken time off so my friends had moved on. Working, moved away from where I lived, settling down. But at least I was healthy. I could go out, I went to library and coffee shops. Now I'll be unwell and stuck in a lot.

I suppose once I recover (and it will be easier away from.him?) I can join groups or classes or volunteer? I'd love to do what Wolfiefan does and volunteer at an animal shelter. But people are settled at my age, busy with families. Will I make friends?

Anyhow. Sorry. I must stop rambling. Just so on edge. He's being off with me. Sometimes he'll be nice once home from work, so I just on edge during the day but often he'll be like this all evening until I say or do something that makes him explode. Sometimes something really silly, like I can't explain. I can't wait for him to go to bed already!

Oh OP, darling, you’re not taking up all the internet. Jesus, some of the shit posted on mumsnet is unreal. If it helps, post, please post. Post again in here, so we can find you.

I understand about the pretending things are normal thing. It’s a coping mechanism, so we can get through the day without feeling utterly desperate. Ironically it’s when you can no longer paste on the mask that you can finally get things moving. As long as you can play the game you can survive, but when you no longer can then the survival instinct kicks in. That survival instinct is stronger than you can imagine. Every woman who has escaped an abusive relationship has been carried through on that instinct.

Stop berating yourself. None of us could act until we were ready. You might not be ready yet but you’re on the way. Remember, once you see what he’s like, you can’t unsee it. Don’t be frightened, you will dredge up strength you never thought possible when the time comes.

I echo my previous posts, and all the words of all the others, stay strong, keep your mind as clear as you can and be careful.

Please don’t stop posting. Even though this is the internet and we don’t know you, believe it or not we actually really care about you, and what happens to you.

Whatisthisfuckery you have taken the very words out of my mouth, I second all that you just said.

@plantlife , you are very kind! You will make friends everywhere you go!

And you will be a gentle & encouraging shelter volunteer who can get the most nervous dogs to feel safe enough to start eating, playing, and snuggling.

Whatisthisfuckery is completely and utterly right. You aren’t taking up anything that you don’t more than deserve. I think any animal charity would be so lucky to have you. And people who truly love and care about animals do tend to really like people who feel the same. Please stay in touch. You’re sounding so much clearer and like you’re moving forward.

Op I've just read this thread and my heart is breaking for you. You've had some amazing advice from these lovely posters on here so nothing I can really add. Just wanted to be another person here supporting you and showing that people care about you. You deserve a safe and happy life. I hope you can find the courage to escape and give yourself that chance.

Thank you all so much. I really genuinely feel overwhelmed with how nice you've all been. I really want to try to be finally strong and do this. Your support and ideas about animal shelters has given me something lovely to try for. This thread has helped so much thank you. I feel a bit weird about it ending. I know I can start a new one (thank you for understanding) but I sort of feel like once it's gone, my link to niceness and the real world is gone. But then I feel like the relationships section is too big for me. I think maybe I should print out or screenshot it all at least. I think it may help me explain things if I need to. Thank you all so much again. He's in bed but still awake so I'd better not post too much now. I suppose tomorrow might be the last chance for me to write on this thread if I don't get it moved because he'll be around most of the weekend. Thank you all.

We will be here if you need it. There’s always OTBT. Not sure they can move this?

Thank you so much again. I don't know if the thread can be moved but I get scared thinking about it being in a bigger place anyway. I think I'm ok with just starting a new one if I need to and that's ok. I thought I sort of felt like I needed or wanted to keep this one, even with no more posts but I've screenshot it all now. So if I struggle to explain things properly to support places (if I get the confidence to do it again) or just need to remind myself of how it's been with him in the past.

I often feel like I'm exaggerating or making it up. Then I feel bad because it makes me feel like I'm betraying him even more. I know this doesn't make sense.

Actually thinking about it, I think it's me I need to reread it for. I think what you said, Whatisthisfuckery, is right. I think I block things out. But I've done that for years since childhood. Is it possible to change? I hope things work out ok. I feel like I'm tempting fate writing about him especially as he's being nice.

Sorry, this is so rambled. As I was writing I've realised I'm ready to move on from this thread. I feel comfortable in 30 days so I'll start a new one. I really hope that's ok. I'd like to try to start my new plan so I don't let you down after all your time and support. I really am so grateful to you all for everything.

Iv just been in your shoes. It's abuse !!!!
Get the hell out whilst you can
Mine started with this then wasn't long until I ended with a broken nose twice, broken ribs an constant bruises an kicks an punches to my body. They only get worse knowing you've accepted their first bit of abuse so they know they'll get away with it. Your not been sensitive just get out !!! I'm in the safe 2 speak profane now. Try something like this

You don’t need to do anything for us. You need to do what needs to happen for YOU! It’s a classic technique of abusers to make you feel that it’s not that bad and you must be mad to think of leaving. It’s in their interest to do that. They act nice. They vary what they do and make you think it’s your fault. It’s classic.

I'm so sorry what you went through, Sweetpeach3. I'm so glad you've left and really hope the programme helps. I really am sorry, it sounds so awful your experience.

I want to do the freedom programme. I know there's an online version but think I need to see real people (who aren't him) so I'm waiting until I can get outside. I used to think I didn't need it but maybe it will help. I feel so bad with all of you telling me about your awful experiences, and you're doing that, taking your time to tell me, to try to help. So I feel do want to try to sort everything out so you haven't all wasted your time.

I'm still so frightened of being homeless though. Because he knows this, I think he won't be violent again, or at least I think he'll do his best not to be though obviously if he's drunk and angry that's the risky time, but as long as I'm very careful I think it should be ok. I've sorted paperwork at least so it's s start. I'm just desperate to make sure there's somewhere safe to go if I went. I really don't want to come across as ungrateful or ignoring good advice, just I can't help feeling I have to balance risks - and although it's not nice what occasionally happens with him, it's maybe safer than homelessness. I won't give up though and hopefully my head will be clearer once I'm finally well enough to go outdoors.

I was thinking. I know most men are not abusers but I can't help noticing other threads sometimes, and just the fact that refuges get full so quickly. Why are there so many abusers? It freaks me out there's so many.

Someone suggested early on the thread I think, that I could email the thread to women's aid or a local domestic abuse charity. I'm thinking if I get myself, my mind prepared to leave again (if I need to) then maybe that's the best idea. I know I ramble here but I struggle really badly when trying to speak and explain on the phone. If I don't get it moved, I guess they'd be ok with reading through screenshots? Would any of you mind if I included your responses? I absolutely completely understand if not, I would like to include some because some of you have explained how things have been much better than I was able to (even to myself). Please don't feel obliged at all. I completely understand if it's not ok. I'm sure they will understand enough from my own posts.

The other option I was thinking was getting it moved to Relationships but not posting anything new. Just do if things were really bad and I felt I needed to refer to it or refer someone else(the charity) to it. Any new posts I could do here.

Sorry I know I'm rambling and overthinking. I need to move forward and not just keep posting. I started this when I really had been hyped up to change, to leave. I'm not ready again but maybe will be again at some point not too long away. Maybe letting go of this thread is a start? There more risk he'll find out about me writing here if it's in a bigger section.

Sorry, I'm rambling again. Once it's the weekend, he'll be around mostly (he may go out for a bit) and also the 30 days is up tomorrow or Sunday I think.

Please don’t worry about showing my responses to someone else. Not at all. With regards to the thread and moving it or posting more? That’s totally up to you. Whatever you feel would help you more.

Thank you so much. He's drinking tonight so bit nervous but I'll stay out of his way so should hopefully be ok. I think I'm beginning to get confidence back. Medication slowly working. I might have attempted going outdoors today but I know I'll need to rest a lot after and don't want to risk it when he's back drunk. I'll aim for Monday. I think it's positive start though, just the fact that I feel I can start to do things again. I going to try very hard to ignore my fears of the worse case like homelessness and work on thinking about positive possibilities. Thank you all so much again. I wish I could send you all real flowers or chocolates because you've helped me so much. You really have helped me through when my plans fell apart and I felt so lost and defeated and alone. I feel there's a little bit of hope now.

Honestly? I would much rather read you’re feeling a bit better and have hope than all the flowers and chocolates in the world. X

Handle the thread whatever way works best for you.
Use the posts in any way that helps you.
Everyone here sincerely cares about you.

I think you should start another thread. Not because you’re going to leave tomorrow, we know you’re not ready to do that, and we know you can’t do it till your’e ready, but just to keep in touch for support. It’s so easy just to let things slip away and find yourself right back at square one. Remember how much guts it took you to make this thread? Well you’ve done it now, but if you go away again then the next time you want to reach out you’ll have to pluck up all that courage again, plus a load more worry and guilt because you’re still stuck in the same place because you didn’t do anything the last time.

Please download the Hollie Guard app. If he starts you can get proof, and when you have that he can never pull his tricks with the police or medical staff again. FWIW I don’t think it’s that they didn’t believe you, I think they were just trying to deascalate the situation and get you into a place of safety so they could help you. Sometimes people have to be a bit cute about their intentions in order to keep things as calm as possible. When you’re faced with a frightened woman who might be injured and a potential violent abuser it’s not always wise to be obvious about things.I think they were trying to get you out, but of course they can’t force you to go, and while you wouldn’t tell them what happened they couldn’t do anything to help.

I want you to try something for me. Download that app. It’s designed precisely for situations like yours. If you look on the web site you’ll see why it was made, and by who.

If he starts, and things get nasty, you need to get some help, and you need to make sure you can get into a safe place so you jcjan be honest. We’ve been banging on for the last month about the fact that there really is help out there, and we’re telling you the truth. You won’t be left homeless I promise. Victims of domestic abuse have to be housed, it’s the law, but nobody can act on that law if you never tell them what’s happening to you.

Anyway, like I always say, stay safe and be careful. Please do download the app. make another thread on this board so we can find you and keep getting some support. Having support is key, and while strangers on the internet doesn’t make any material help, it’ll be the thing that helps you find it when you’re ready.

Oh, and there’s another piece of information I keep meaning to tell you, if you don’t already know.

If you’re ever scared for your safety and want to call 999 but you can’t speak, the call operators will send someone out to you but you have to type 55 into the keypad of your phone. If you leave the call silent they’ll disconeest but if you’re silent and type 55 they’l send help.

Just thought I’d let you know that. I didn’t know that until recently and I don’t think many people do, but it’s useful for you to remember and it might just save your life one day.

Sorry, rushing so typing really fast and making mistakes.

Is all the stuff you have on your phone, screenshots etc, secure? Does he know your password or ever ask to look at your phone?

Thank you again for being so nice.

He's in bed but not asleep yet. I feel so guilty again. He was being really nice. But I think I still need to try to work out a new plan because I'm still so on edge.

I think what you say is right, Whatisthisfuckery. I need to start a new thread. I feel a bit panicked about this thread going. But I think I'm too scared of him finding out if it was somewhere more looked at like relationships. I'm probably being paranoid but I don't think I'd relax.

I will start a new thread then if that's ok. I think, apart from all the lovely support you've given me, it is my sort of link to the outside real world, and it reminds me that things aren't ok. It would be really easy for me to just slip back into old patterns, just accepting how it is. It took me a year to get ready to make a plan. I gave up last summer after a bad experience trying to get help. Then I got confidence back, then the doctor stuff happened. I think I was ready to give up again. But now you've all helped me think it could be ok if I left.