is this abuse?

[plantlife]

A while ago DP was shouting very loudly in an argument. I was begging him to stop shouting, it was so loud all the neighbours could hear, calling me a cunt and useless and other horrible things.

He then held me down, cupped his hands to my ear, put his mouth on it and shouted at top volume into it. This was over a year ago. He's been making an effort with me but ever since then I've had on off pain (mild) and feel more sensitive to noise. It could be psychological but he gets angry if I ask him to speak less loudly. I can't cope with maybe even normal speaking volume (but actually he speaks quite loudly). I know it's a pain but he knows why I feel sensitive. I don't know if I'm being unfair on him, he feels he can't speak at a suitable volume for me. I don't complain, I just sometimes ask if he wouldn't mind lowering the volume, I tell him know it's annoying but hope he understands.

I sound so pathetic. I was rereading the thread and the person being described doesn't seem it's me. I don't know what to think. I feel like I'm still normal inside maybe. But today I'm in this sort of slump. I've had this before. Not depressed I don't think, more like calm and accepting of how it is. I know that sounds bad after what I've written but that's just the very worse incidents. Over years. I feel so tired today but not in a depressed way. I just feel like curling up with a blanket and resting. Like really lazy. I'm not exactly doing anyway. Just sitting on the sofa all day. Disgusting really.

I feel massively guilty now he's being so nice. But I can't help worrying about trying to get better now. I think it could be paranoia but I think inside I'm worried if I seem better even mentally happier he may start up again. He's making such an effort, wants to be there for me, doing so much for me. I know I'm frustrating you all now. I'm sorry.

Not disgusting. I’m having a restful day too. Sometimes your mind and body needs that.
You’re not frustrating anyone. You need to do what’s right for you. The best thing would be to be healthy, happy and loved.

I forgot to say before. I saw your post about volunteering in an animal shelter, Wolfiefan. That sounds so lovely. I've really love to do that. I want to remember that and try to be able to do it in the future if things change, if I make things change.

I know I'm not meant to mention the old GP again. I'm do sorry. You've all been so good to me and I'm doing my best to annoy you. It's just I was reading again advice on leaving abuse yesterday. All the advice is always try to make a leaving plan and to see your GP for support. I really did finally have a proper plan. In the past I've loosely had vague ideas but this was a proper plan. He was away a lot the past months. S really good chance. The GP not only didn't give me support but stopped me leaving. They basically took away the equivalent of my wheelchair. I can't get out of my head the last phone call. I was begging the receptionist to let me speak to the GP. The letter they sent after I made a complaint. Telling me I'd made nuisance calls and ignored medical advice (they refused to give me my notes to day what advice this was, because there wasn't any), and telling me off for going over the 10 miniyylimit twice. Both times when I was so upset and scared and calling after they'd abruptly stopped medication without even telling me. Medication they shouldn't have stopped if they've listened to me and read my notes.

There's more. Stuff they did that's wrong. Probably wrong. They tried to cover it up by using mental health against me. This is a big reason I'm scared he'll succeed if he tries to say everything is me. I think old GP will back him to cover up their mess. I know they've been reported for other patients (not same situation as me but behaving badly) so maybe that helps me, still so hard.

The past month or so I really felt so much like I needed to turn to a doctor for support but had none. I wasn't even able to contact the doctor. Letters, emails, and calls were ignored - this was including official complaint and data protection act request for my notes.

I'm sorry. I'll let it go now. I've made a formal complaint, reported it, and vented here. I know it's in the part. It's just it stopped my plans, knocked my confidence. I feel like I've been running a non stop marathon and today it's like it's all finished and I'm exhausted.

Massive self pity rant. Sorry. Hopefully it's out of me now.

I've just read through my last post. Sent before I saw your kind reply. What a load of self indulgent self pity? Sorry. I think that's it. I've finally had the final moan about what they did. I've finally realised what you've all been saying. It was bad but can't be changed.

I'll look forwards from now. Thank you for not being angry about my rants.

I hope you're enjoying your lazy day, Wolfiefan. With lovely Wolfiepup?

I suppose I've had a setback and think I'm not ready to leave just yet again. But I'll keep thinking about things and maybe it's best to keep trying to plan something in case he gets bad again. I hate to think it and do feel so guilty but I think he might get bad again if I even start chatting Inna more happy way.

I suppose plans can be postponed but still started again.

Sometimes it’s good to get it all out and not stew and keep things inside. Then think about the future you want. Don’t let anyone stop you getting there.

Thank you. Really, thank you for not being angry and understanding. I feel silly now. He's right about me whining! I feel better now. It's a release. I've let it all go. I think that was the final moan about them.

I promise, really promise, if I post again it won't be so long, rambled, or whiny. I'd like to post a positive update.

Why would I be angry that you want to say how you feel or what you think? He’s really done a number on you OP. You are allowed to have thoughts and feelings and wishes and dreams. Nobody gets to stop that.

I know you love him and your properly feeling a right mixed bag of emotions. I've been there. You end up feeling reliant on your partner. Makes you easier to control. What will be your last straw? Mine was teeth knocked out, stabbed in the leg, bruises and lumps all over my head , back , arms , ribs and severe bruising on my hands coming through to both sides from trying to defend my self. Being kept locked in a room all night. This all happened in one night over a toothbrush. Ridiculous! He got 5 years in prison. I stood up in court and swore he would never put his hands on me ever again!!!!! It started with a slap when we had only been together a few months. Followed by chocolates and sorrys. They don't change! It gets worse and worse! What has to happen to you before you leave! You can do it! Be brave!

I think I need to start by getting outside? I've massively lost my confidence being unable to go out. The medication takes time to work but hopefully soon.

I can't remember going outdoors! I think it's messing my head up. I think I know he won't want me better. Even mentally. I have a feeling I have to stay miserable. I can't explain the emotional stuff when it starts but I'm scared I won't be able to get better and leave now he's back. I just have to be really careful and not let him know if I get better?

Mumpower123, You sound so brave. I really don't think I could even cope with police again. You went to court. That must be beyond hard. I'm so sorry what happened to you. Really sorry you went through that.

I'm hoping to take strength from all your stories, all of you who got away. I should try too. I know I should.

Thank you again for not being angry about me writing here. I feel better getting it out and definitely understand if no-one replies. Just helps posting.

I've got to be really quick but you're all right. I really do need to start getting my plan together again. He's back and already stopped trying to be nice. It's freaking me out, it's not the really obvious easy to explain being horrible. It's the sort of attitude, the way he's talking, what he's saying, dropping little comments in, that would make me sound massively mad and paranoid if I tried explain to someone. But I know it's him back to knowing he's in control and can be angry with me or take things out on me. He knows I can't just walk out. Literally. I feel so trapped right now. I have to stop wallowing. I'm getting better, slowly. I'll start planning a new plan. I'd better go now before he gets out the shower.

You don’t sound mad and paranoid at all. Take care.

Hurrah dear Plantlife. I think I am reading some excellent signs of awareness here. You've spotted how short-lived his 'niceness' is. You've realised he doesn't want you to get better. You know that you feel scared and trapped.
This is good, because it's more baby steps to being brave enough to appreciate that this is no life for anyone and YOU DO NOT DESERVE IT!!!

Well done Plantlife! You're starting to slowly get things together. Remember baby steps. You'll get there! We're always here. X

You're absolutely right about not letting him know you're getting better.
Do please keep safe, hold your nerve and don't be tempted to say anything about your plans, progress or enlightenment. Play dumb- watch and listen and learn how he is manipulating you.

It is very clear that many posters here have been to hell & back- and truly understand your situation.
We all want you to be safe.
And you will never be safe with him.

When will he be leaving again?

OP, try to keep you head above the fog. When it starts to descend again come on here, post, read through the thread. You’ve made so much progress, just since your first post.

Don’t get too down if there are setbacks. There will be setbacks, but every little bit of awakening is a small step closer to the day you finally open your eyes enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep thinking, being aware, trying to think critically about his behaviour. Once you see it you can’t unsee it, and there will come a time when you finally make the mental break.

You probably won’t leave him tomorrow, you probably won’t leave him next week, but if you keep stretching your head out and trying to smell clear air you’ll find it.

You’re at the start of a difficult journey, but many of us have made it before you and you will do the same.

Keep your wits about you and stay safe. Remember that app I told you about. Keep your powder dry, he doesn’t credit you with enough strength to leave him but he’s wrong, you just need to keep on pushing forward and the chance will come.

I’m glad you’ve posted today. I was worried that you wouldn’t be able to as he’s home. Do be careful.

Thank you. It feels weird posting now he's back. He's up early for work so he's asleep. I feel so guilty. I'm sorry. I feel again like I'm betraying him by posting here. I'm also really so sorry for not moving forwards. You've all given up so much of your time and been so understanding and patient, and been through horrible things yourself. Please don't feel obliged to keep replying. I really do understand. It still helps just posting. I don't want to let you all down. I posted before online, got wonderful support but lost my nerve. I don't think I was really ready then though.

I don't know when he's next away. That's why the doctor stuff messed it up. it was a one off chance, him being away so much. He's at work during the day. Its hard because he'll know immediately if I go, he'll notice essentials missing. I suppose it won't matter though.

Thank you for the advice. I have to just face the setbacks don't I. It took me over a year to get to where I was just before the doctor stuff. I'd made major progress with my health. I can do it again?

Thank you again for telling me about the app.

Is this the fog? Or it could be because I've been physically cut off from real world for a bit.

I look through the thread and keep feeling like it's not real or it's not me. Like I'm reading a story. I feel like I'm living a daydream. Maybe I'm tired.

Have you been eating well?

Of course you can do it again.

Put the radio on if you can’t go out. Put your local station on. The talking will keep you company and it’ll give you a window into the outside world.At the moment you’re trapped and you’ve forgotten what you’re missing. A little thing like listening to the radio will do you the world of good. Having the telly on is good, but it’s not the same as the radio, which is real people in real time.

You have made progress, you really have. Comparing your later posts on this threads to the ones at the start there’s a marked difference. you’ve slipped back a bit in your last post but that’s understandable.

Yes some of us have made the journey but it took us all a lot to even reach the starting line. you’re not as unusual as you think you are, I assure you of that.

While he’s out you can do things, make your phone calls, find all your paperwork etc. He’s not expecting you to be doing anything useful so you have that on your side. Just be careful not to let on. You can get a head start on him if you’re clever about the way you do things. Trust me you can be clever when you need to, so don’t worry about that.

None of us feel obliged to read and respond. I do what I like, I don’t have anyone to tell me what to do, and I choose to do so, and everyone else here chooses to do so as well.

Just keep safe, and be careful. I always check in to see how you are so keep in touch if and when you can.

Thank you. Thank you for the advice and all the support. I don't want to let any of you down. I need to snap of of this slump. I got like this before, in January/February, and got myself together so hopefully I can do it again. I felt so lost and devastated after the doctor stuff but I know feeling sorry for myself is not helping.

I think maybe I feel a bit more frozen when he's around but I really will try to start taking action again. My paperwork, etc is a big mess. I'll try to start tidying it together.

I suppose I'd hoped when I started this thread to be told it was wrong what happened but in the past. So I didn't think about going on this long. The 30 days is nearly up. I don't know what to do. I've found this such a source of comfort, a place to vent and express fears and everything. I felt safe it being only 30 days but I don't think he'll think of Mumsnet. I could get it moved or just let it end and post a new thread if I need to?

Cakeandchampagne, I'm a bit of a mess I suppose. I'm eating but bit messed up. Like my sleeping. Going to bed really late and sleeping late. I was eating healthy but past few weeks I wasn't eating much and lots of unhealthy food. I need to get back on track. I know I need to be healthy and well to be able to deal with it all.

One thing at a time though. Make one switch today.