You are not mad, you really aren’t. You clearly have a lot of unresolved issues from childhood trauma, but that is not your fault.Please don’t blame yourself for them. Nobody has helped you work through them and resolve them, and as a result you’ve found yourself in a horribly abusive situation as an adult. This really isn’t unusual, unfortunately. Lots of women have abusive childhoods where they are raised to feel worthless which then translates into adult relationships. If you could get out from under your partner’s influence you’d see just how common it is, and just how much he’s played on your insecurities to control you.
Look, sharing a bathroom is grim, I’ll give you that, I don’t like it either, but it won’t be for ever, and you wouldn’t be sharing with adult men.If you want to piss in a bottle during the night then go for it, I think I might do the same. You would have your own space though, where nobody could enter unless invited by you. Like I’ve said previously, after a bit of getting used to things you’ll enjoy having people around to talk to. Don’t forget, women in a refuge will have been in similar situations to you, so it’s not even like you’d be surrounded by people who don’t understand.
Re the kids thing: Lots of women can’t and don’t have kids, even though they would love to; lots of women have kids they don’t take care of and don’t really want; lots of women have kids who they love and cherish; and lots of women just don’t want kids. Honestly nobody is looking at you and wondering why you didn’t have kids. To be perfectly honest it’s a bloody good job you haven’t, considering the situation you’re in. An abusive relationship is no place to bring up a happy child, just ask mine. I’ve had to do a lot of work with my DS to undo all the emotional damage caused by his abusive father. And don’t tell me your partner would have been different if you’d had a child, because he wouldn’t have. Refuges are full of women who thought that, then found out otherwise. Kids don’t mend relationships, they actually put huge amounts of pressure on perfectly healthy ones, and not all survive.
Look though, all of these things are hypothetical, because at the moment you’re stuck there, with him. You’ll keep believing all the crap he’s feeding you until you get out and find out for yourself that he’s talking through his arse.
As for people testifying against you, like I said, you barely see another human, so they don’t even know you. A court of law is not going to have any time for some rando who rocks up with a totally true story that his mate down the pub told him, it’s just not going to happen. Can you imagine what a state society would be in if the justice system just said, ‘well John said Paul nicked that cash, because Dave down the pub told him he had a wallet full of tenners. so we thought we’d better bang him up for a bit.’ It’s just not gonna fly, is it. Some random you don’t know saying your mental because x said so will carry as much weight as that. The only opinion police, courts and medical professionals are interested in when it comes to matters of a person’s mental health is that of other professionals, not randoms whose mate told him his misus is a bit mad.
Incidentally, these people he reckons he’d get to testify against you, do you think they know he’s a wife beater? I bet you they don’t, and I doubt they’d be all too impressed if they knew. I also very much doubt that they’d consider the odd punch or kick here or there acceptable either. There’s a lot of arsehole men out there, but even amongst their number most wouldn’t condone or excuse that.
Please do take note of the next thing I’m going to say though, otherwise the game will be up and the whole thing will be dead in the water. Do not, and I repeat, do not, tell him that you’re thinking about leaving him, or that you’re seeking advice about leaving. You know yourself that every time his control slips, such as when you start to get well, or that you’d like him to leave, that he then feels threatened and tries to undermine you. Whenever he twigs that you might be gaining any independence whatsoever he ramps up the emotional stuff. You can’t afford to let him even have an in incling, otherwise any positive progress you make will be immediately undone by him, with interest. Come on here and rant, swear, cry, have a self pitying whinge, whatever you feel, we’ll all be here to listen, but for jesus fucking christ’s sake, don’t let on to him.