So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

[BrownSugarBabe]

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

I dunno what to say really.. Just didn't want you to feel ignored. For what it's worth, I agree with you.. if his prior relationship had been strong then nothing would ever have happened between you and him.

People do love to be able to point and waggle their fingers, I think that's just human nature, nasty as it is.

I wish you the best, happiest future you can have

I dunno what to say really.. Just didn't want you to feel ignored. For what it's worth, I agree with you.. if his prior relationship had been strong then nothing would ever have happened between you and him.

People do love to be able to point and waggle their fingers, I think that's just human nature, nasty as it is.

I wish you the best, happiest future you can have

oops, not sure why that came out twice

I agree somewhat. I am amazed at the vitriol that gets laid on the 'other woman', regardless of whether the man left the partner or not. I do think its better to end one relationship before starting another but life isn't perfect and it may just be the jolt needed.

Sounds like you have a happy marriage so it was probably the right thing to do. An affair always equals something isn't right and I don't believe a relationship can ever recover from it.

Afterall, it is the husband/ partner who has made the emotional commitment to the wife/ gf. The other woman owes the wife nothing as she never made any promises to her. You are on tricky moral ground in some cinrcumstances but I think the predatory other woman set out to steal all the married men is an urban myth and at the end of the day we are all just looking for the same thing.

I did read your thread and thought some of the responses were really harsh. There appears to be alot of wronged wives on MN for some reason.

Nobody is ever going to get a medal for having an affair with a married man. And no man is ever going to be admired for leaving a wife and small baby. It's just one of those things.

BSB, my parents divorced when I was 10, largely due to an affair with my now StepMom. The marriage had broken down long before my Dad met my SM and she was blamed (and so was he) for the divorce, I know I gave her a terrible time. Looking back, the affair, and using my Stepmom as a scapegoat was convenient as Mom had had 2 affairs before that and the marriage had been in trouble for some time.
I cannot even begin to imagine my Mom and Dad together now, they are chalk and cheese and my Dad and Stepmom have been together for 24 years now (the "official" time anyway! lol) I also have two half brothers.

I understand your position, life isn't black and white.

Agree it's the person who is married or in a committed relationship who is chiefly to blame. But someone who has an affair with a married/committed person knows perfectly well that what they are doing is wrong. And you can hardly be surprised that the victim hits out at the other man/woman, surely?

fwiw i agree with you.

I also read your stepmum thread and was shocked at some responses - as I am with a lot of threads on mumsnet lately . You may now have realised you need t put your armour on before stepping into to the step parents section. I am a step mum and was really blasted on my first and only thread on there, but I did come away with some good advice from the suportive posters on there which I still use now. Thank you anniemac et al!

Try not to let these people's opinions get to you. You sound like you have a lovely little family (hope things are on the up with SD), so just hold your head up and ignore them.

My Dad left my mum and moved in with someone else - I have no idea whether she needs to bare part of the blame or not. from her perspective her husband of 40 years, had an affair andf left her flat wihtout looking back or caring what he left behind.

She is almost incapable of rational thought about it even 10 years on and is always bitter about men who leave their husbands (not so much about the other women). It's the nature of the beast I'm afraid - women who have been terribly hurt and betrayed by their husbands are judgemental. You haven't suffered that kind of pain and have no idea how bitter you might be if you'd seen your DC's treated badly by a father they loved etc.

The circumstances of you and your DH getting together are your own business, I wouldn't make an issue of it 7 yrs on. No reason to be defensive about it but in fact no reason to share with people that your Dh left anotehr family to be with you. It's rubs salt in more peoples wounds than you might realise.

I dont think anyone wouldnt wish you happiness and I dont think the other woman is to blame unless they new he was married and in a relationship especially if she new there were children involved

My friend was the other woman she new he was married with dc and unhappy she left her relationship to be with him he in turn has left his wife one of his children lives with him one with their mother, she lost a lot of respect that day I am still her friend but I doubt her morals his ex isnt a saint but she is most definatly not to blame

Why you cant wait til one relationship is over to start another is a mystery to me think how much better it would be if you had waited 6 months after the break up of his previous relationship, how do you know he wont look for another woman when you get boring

I agree that affairs are a symptom rather than the cause of marriage breakdown. I also think it is pathetic that your dh's family have not supported you in anyway. Life is not black and white.

oops bear part of the blame

I can't see why you are so surprised. MN may be have more married/cohabiting women by nature of being a mum website I suppose. And those are the people who feel most threatened by someone who has the power or inclination to do what you did. We don't have to be 'wronged wives' to feel upset - perhaps we all think 'there but for the grace'. And whether a relationship is working or not might depend on where you were looking at it from.

Are you an eveil home-breaking other woman? I doubt it very much - but people who feel angry use intemperate language sometimes. How would you feel if your now DH did the same to you ? You might feel very much the same.

men who leave their husbands?? Good grief preview next time KC!

Hmm I didn't see the thread but I assume those views were due to the fact that you started a relationship with him while he was still in one already? My sil met a man and went out with him it turned out he was married but they were having difficulties. Although my sil really liked him she broke it off because of this and told him to get in touch with her not only after he had split up with his wife but six months after that. This is because even if she wasn't the cause of the split she knew that she would be viewed as being the cause. She also didn't want to upset his wife by having her see him get into another relationship straight after leaving her. Although in his mind the relationship had been over for ages it may not have been in his wife's mind and thus a huge shock. My sil had seen a good friend go through the same thing recently there was no way she could play a part in making another woman feel that way even if she was innocent as such.

The end of a relationship is always going to be hard and upsetting for all parties especially when there are children involved and that is why a bit of thought and consideration for all involved goes a long way. I agree in that yes you were a symptom of a failing marriage but you are also somewhat accountable as well and this is probably why people expressed such views.

but if you posted your story on mumsnet why would you be surprised at negative posts?

It's inevitable surely? For every positive there will be a negative [shrugs]

Why do people think affairs are the symptom of a marriage breakdown? Some people have affairs and don't want their marriage to end. Some men seem to escape into affairs when their wives are pregnant. I think it's to easy to say that it wouldn't have happened if the marriage had been fine. It depends what you mean by fine. Not good enough for the cheater maybe but perhaps that person has unreasonably high expectations.

I think that relationships, sexuality and affairs of the heart are a damn sight more complex and contradictory than one would like.

I also think that it's very easy to take a certain stance within particular circumstances - when you're settled, loved, monogamous and committed - and then find that when your circumstances change you are behaving (and to a great extent condoning your own behaviour) in a way you'd never have countenanced before.

Which is a longwinded way of saying I've behaved far worse than you in the past so I can't cast bloody stones.

NKF. I only meant symptom in this case as the OP said that the marriage had been failing. I agree with you in that it's definately not the case every time.

MI - that is very true. We all view our own transgressions more charitably than we do other people's.

KerryMum - men famously don't leave their wives unless there is another woman.

No there will always be idiots with no morals who think and affair is a bit of fun/a way to spice up their life/their right!!
however in a situation like this one the op's dh obviously had a vacancy in his heart.

I disagree, I think an affair is always a sign that something somewhere is not right in the marriage or with the person having the affair. I also think it always equals the end whether to choose to do that or not.