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Original poster

So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

478 replies

BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 09:37

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

OP posts:
mistressmiggins · 05/06/2007 10:05

I dont think it was right to call you a homewrecker on a thread where you were asking for advice about being a stepmum. However regarding affairs, I wouldnt do it. If I met a married man, I would not get involved. Doesnt matter how you dress it up, by being involved, he couldnt put all his energies into fixing his marriage so it was bound to fail. I have been on the receiving end of an affair. I kicked him out eventually 8 weeks after I found out but I bet his mistress who he went running to thinks he left on his own accord.

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 10:05

well I didn't see your other thread

BUT

if you started a relationship with a man who was already in a relationship and had a child, even if that relationship was in its death throes then you are, IMHO, worthy of every single bit of condemnation you get because it is weak, selfish and basically a morally disgusting thing to do

BUT you are now married and have a child and your relationship is patently strong, and everyone is entitled to make mistakes in their lives ... do not seek approval for what you both did.

The fact that you don't seem to care about cutting your child off from his grandmother and aunts is IMHO another mistake. Yes they heaped scorn on you for your actions, but you could try to be a better person and try to build bridges rather than sit there in your grumpy sulk cutting off your child's nose to suit you

I think what I'm thinking is 'oh grow up, take responsibility for your actions, look for approval for good actions not bad ones'

KerryMum · 05/06/2007 10:06

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themildmanneredjanitor · 05/06/2007 10:06

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NKF · 05/06/2007 10:09

KerryMum - I think married men always tell their girlfriends that they hare having problems in their marriage don't they? And of course sometimes it must be true. Then again one of the problems they are having is that he is cheating and the wife wouldn't like it.

Actually, I think however they start, some second marriages are happier than the first one. And some marriages are truly dreadful and better off ended. But it's unrealistic to expect approval if you had an affair with a married man who left a wife and small baby. Disapproval goes with the territory.

Carmenere · 05/06/2007 10:13

I actually think you are bonkers posting this on here BSB because no matter how you phrase it there are always going to be posters who will direct their negative experiences and fears onto you. Change your name.

PetronellaPinkPants · 05/06/2007 10:18

My dad did this to my mum (I was much older)

In a curious stroke of fate, it was done to him (his next wife ran off with a good friend of theirs) and he was devastated and finally realised what he had done to my mum.

Don't be tooooo smug, it may happen to you to, after all you know he is capable of it!

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 10:18

actually I don't have any negative experiences, I am the child of a couple who are still married after 50 years, all my siblings are still married as am I

maybe my condemnation comes from having a moral centre and not being selfish enough to ever go there .. never have been, even when I was much younger, capable of starting to see someone who was already in a relationship .. and I'm no angel .. that's just a dirty trick too far IMHO

I know one person who left his wife (and their 3 and 1 year old) to shack up with a girl of 24 from his office because he'd been unhappy for, and get this, the last 6 months (so in that time he'd been able to realise his unhappiness and then build a relationship) .. mid-life angst .. sad and pitiable

NKF · 05/06/2007 10:20

Twiglett - the male mid-life crisis is such a sad, yet comical business. Every cliche possible and wrecked relationships everywehre. Why can't they just buy a shed?

wannaBe · 05/06/2007 10:24

I think the issue here is the reason why your dh left his first wife. He didn?t end his marriage because it was in trouble, he ended his marriage to be with you. Maybe the marriage was in trouble but if you hadn?t come into the equasion would he have ended it? Possibly not. So by definition yes, you are the homewrecking other woman.

But agree with twiglet, you?ve clearly built a relationship and what is in the past is in the past and you should look to the future not seak approval for what you?ve done in the past.

I personally would never have a relationship with someone who was already committed because if he?d done it before he could doo it again. Plus I think it?s wrong to build happiness on someone else?s misery. I know how I?d feel if someone did that to me so I wouldn?t want to do it to someone else.

ConnieDescending · 05/06/2007 10:24

Lets not forget that many women have affairs too. I'm sure some most post on MN as well.

wannaBe · 05/06/2007 10:25

"why can't they just buy a shed?" hmmm, my dh has just bought a fish tank. should I be worried?

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 10:25

equally morally destitute Connie .. lets not be sexist about this

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 10:26

I've just bought a fish tank .. should I be worried [grin

NKF · 05/06/2007 10:26

To the original poster - did he leave or did she kick him out? Because from my obsservation, it's often the second but the man says it's the first.

NKF · 05/06/2007 10:27

Sure Connie, loads of people have affairs. And nobody gets approval for them. You can't have everything.

themildmanneredjanitor · 05/06/2007 10:28

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madmarchhare · 05/06/2007 10:29

BSB, I didnt see your other thread but I get the idea. Dont br suprised at this going the same way.

Simple fact is that you were the reason that he left his wife and small child. People, especially women with children, dont like it.

wannaBe · 05/06/2007 10:29

yeh but twig this one is massive! even I could take an accurage photo of it!

ledodgy · 05/06/2007 10:30

I agree with twiglett I have not had any negative experiences either my parents were married to each other until they died and i'm in the same relationship i've been in since I was nineteen.

I just think that if you enter a relationship with someone already in one that you are also accountable whatever the reasons are for the relationship breakdown if there is one.

It may sound twee but I was brought up being taught don't do to others what you wouldn't like being done unto you. It's a simple code but it's worked for me.

nogoes · 05/06/2007 10:31

It is difficult. My cousin left her husband and her children to be with another man who incidently was a friend of her husband. Although I have always been very pleasant to him I have never made the effort to really get to know him because I feel sad at his part in the break up of the family unit and the damage that has been done to the children.

In your case I understand that you and your dh have children of your own now so I really feel that it is time for his family to let bygones be bygones and support you and your family.

Twiglett · 05/06/2007 10:31

LOL at wannabe

KerryMum · 05/06/2007 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lasvegas · 05/06/2007 10:32

I cannot believe that anyone would think it was acceptable for a father to walk out on his new baby and partner at a very vulnerable time in there lives. If it was the mother that left her new born and husband they would be condemed. I can never understand why adulterers say that the relationship was bad when they were obviously having sex. The first few weeks of a babys life are very hard it must be tempting to abandon your family, but caring people don't do this they hang in there come what may.

wannaBe · 05/06/2007 10:34

also what would worry me is the ability to lie. He lied to his wife, he must have done in order to have been having an affair, so how do you know what he's told you is true? how do you know the marriage was in trouble? maybe his definition of the marriage being in trouble and her's differed widely? after all if she'd just had a baby maybe he was just feeling left out or sexually deprived so he came to you for comfort and that to him meant his marriage being in trouble.

despite what he told you about the marriage, you will never really know the truth will you? and that would bother me.

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