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Original poster

So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

478 replies

BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 09:37

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

OP posts:
KerryMum · 05/06/2007 11:30

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NKF · 05/06/2007 11:30

I think she wants a discussion on why the other woman is always villified.

OrmIrian · 05/06/2007 11:31

I think it can easily be a surprise when your partner leaves you. Any marriage has it's ups and downs - you can blame it on stuff going on - "it'll be better when I'm not pregnant", "it'll be better when the children are older, "it'll be better when we aren't so broke", "if I could just stop working we'd get along better". You assume that marriage is for life and so there is plenty of time to make it better. That should be a safe assumption surely?

FioFio · 05/06/2007 11:31

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CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 11:31

Why ask the question "am i evil homewrecker" if you only want people to say no!

KerryMum · 05/06/2007 11:32

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Quattrocento · 05/06/2007 11:35

Sorry BSB you are not getting the support you were looking for. Few people on this forum are likely to validate your previous actions.

But you are getting some real support nonetheless. That was then and this is now. The points about building bridges with your in-laws and between your own children and step-children are totally valid.

Good luck at healing the rifts.

fluffyanimal · 05/06/2007 11:35

BSB, I've got some sympathy for you. I'm a bit at the judgemental attitude here tbh. I think when affairs happen and marriages go to pot, everyone shares some of the blame and nothing is as easy to categorise or condemn as lots here seem to make out.

I have my parents' own cases to go by. Both were married when they met each other, both desperately unhappy but trying to make it work because they both had children. They, rightly or wrongly, who knows, decided not to tell anyone and split from their then spouses until the youngest of all the children was into his teens. On my dad's side, I know that his first wife had plenty of share in the marriage going bad - she was having an affair but wouldn't admit it, she was encouraging my dad to look elsewhere, she had an abortion when her lover got her pregnant even though my dad was prepared to bring up the child and hoped it might save their marriage. On my mum's side she'd married very young and hastily to a man from a different culture and was living with her inlaws who didn't really accept her. The agony of the situation drove both of them to mental breakdowns and my dad to near suicide on more than one occasion.

Were they homewreckers? In a technichal sense, yes. Could they have managed such a messy situation better? Maybe. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. All I know is, we are all human, we all cock up and we all try our best to find a way through.

What I think you do need to do is constantly swallow your pride and try to build a relationship with your ILs for the sake of your son. I know it's hard but he is the one losing out and it's not his fault.

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 11:35

Carmenere - who is to say what is right or wrong - wrong for whom? Can something objectively ever be right for everyone in a situation. If an unhappy relationship continues on it't unhappy path and children grow up in a dysfunctional househould - you would feel OK about this right?

If he had still left her, 7 months pregnant and told her he was in love with me, would that be OK too. Or should he have waited a year, two maybe and then told her? If I hade said that I never slept with him and he still left her - I guess that would have been OK too? You tell me what you think woudl be right in this situation..

Wannabe: He was in a relationship with someone (not married actually, for the record) "so he was not yours to love". Nobody owns anyone in a relationship and I guess real love - and I am not talking about a quick fling or a shag or being a bit on the side, doesn't have those sort of boundaries. Love is an emotion and is often irrational.

I am not looking for anyone's approval. I am just looking for a measured intellectual discussion.

OP posts:
FioFio · 05/06/2007 11:36

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NKF · 05/06/2007 11:37

Okay. A measured intellectual discussion. I can do that. What in particular do you want to debate?

oranges · 05/06/2007 11:37

it is up to him to decide when and how to leave her. but if you had waited until he left her, you would not have to worry about all these questions.

KerryMum · 05/06/2007 11:38

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OrmIrian · 05/06/2007 11:38

"What I think you do need to do is constantly swallow your pride and try to build a relationship with your ILs for the sake of your son. I know it's hard but he is the one losing out and it's not his fault."

That is the most important point now.

beckybrastraps · 05/06/2007 11:38

at 'bit on the side'

I tend to refer to her partner as my 'mother's lover'.

And I don't say it was a choice I would make. Just that I'm not about to say it was a poor model. I don't like that argument - that it's really for the children, because you don't want to bring them up in a bad relationship.

It is about the parents.

Original poster
BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 11:38

I am not looking for support - I just wanted to open a discussion.

I get enough support and love from DH and DS.

I don't expect everyone to agree with me - that is what makes the world such an interesting place.

OP posts:
Lasvegas · 05/06/2007 11:38

Brown sugar - I don't think that parents should stay together in an unhappy marriage for ever it is not good for the kids. But I do think your DH owed it to his small baby to stay in the family home until the child was weaned and sleeping through and settled in childcare. This is nothing to do with morals but to do with having common sence and putting the emotianal and phsical well being of the baby first. If you drive the mum to the edge through lack of support and the trauma of a relationship ending then the baby will suffer.

PetronellaPinkPants · 05/06/2007 11:38

I agree with Kerrymum
You don't sound very sympathetic or approachable

NKF · 05/06/2007 11:39

But what is it you want to discuss?

PetronellaPinkPants · 05/06/2007 11:39

how tewwible it is that homewreckers are all tarred with this brush?

milkchocolate · 05/06/2007 11:41

I am not supporting anybody's view in particular, just adding my perspective.

I have BEEN the one with a straying heart, and quite resently too. I did not go looking for somebody else, I never had an affair in mind at all, always been loyal and monogamous. My feelings for the other person crept up on me, and upset me a lot, causing me a lot of heartache.

However, I firmly believe if everything had been ok in my marriage, I would not been such a "vulnerable target". Feeling utterly beautiful and desirable, like the other person made me feel, through making her own longings and desires quite clear, was a very powerful confidence boost, or aphrodisiac if you may, when my own marriage had been more than just a little stagnant for over 5 years, and I had suffered constant putdowns regarding not being able to shift pregnancy weigh. It is easy to be lured away to pastures new for whatever reason. I could easily have followed my heart, not my head, and had an affair, but managed to stop it before it went further than flirtation and a couple of hot kisses.

Having said this, I would never ever have thought to leave my husband, but worked harder at making my marriage work, had not this other person come along. As luck would have it, I managed to stop and think, so here I am, with wow to rediscover why I first fell in love with my husband and try talk to him about the problems I believe we have.

ledodgy · 05/06/2007 11:41

'If he had still left her, 7 months pregnant and told her he was in love with me, would that be OK too. Or should he have waited a year, two maybe and then told her? If I hade said that I never slept with him and he still left her - I guess that would have been OK too? You tell me what you think woudl be right in this situation..'

I think he should have discussed things with her as soon as he started feeling unhappy then they could have either tried to make it work or they could have split up then. What I personally don't think is right is that he began seeing you whilst still in a relationship and then after he split up marries you just four months later. This hardly left enough time for either his ex or his family to get used to the idea or an ideal start to forming family ties. Of course this is just my opinion.

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 11:45

With respect he was in a "committed relationship" with her, he had a child with her I assume he "loved" her at some point at he now "loves" you

He made this mess it is up to him to be a man and sort it out - keep the communication going with his parents and ensure that his first child knows he is there and cares,

"we are together now, we are sorry for the hurt we have caused and we want to do best to ensure all the children to grow up as happy as they can in the circumstances"

Dont even try to justify your affair, Im sorry affairs with other peoples husbands/wives are not socially accceptable no matter how glorious you think the love you have is, just put it in the past and try to move on from it.

uberalice · 05/06/2007 11:45

My MIL got married very young to her childhood sweetheart, who turned out to be a womanising pig. He eventually left her, with a small child (DH's brother) and went off with another woman. Years later the OW phoned my MIL to apologise for what she had done. She'd no idea of the hurt that she had caused and it wasn't until he'd done the same thing to her that she realised how terrible it felt. MIL by then was married to DH's dad and 30-odd years later they're still happily married, so it turned out OK for her.
BSB, life isn't black and white and I get the feeling that you're a good person despite having done a bad thing. I don't think there will ever be a scenario in which sleeping with somebody else's husband is the right thing to do. I think you'd get more sympathy if you accepted that what you did was wrong, rather than trying to justify that it was right.

CountessDracula · 05/06/2007 11:45

ooh I love "with respect"

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