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Original poster

So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

478 replies

BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 09:37

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

OP posts:
bozza · 05/06/2007 10:34

I agree with twiglett too on this one. Everything she has said. Except my parents have only been married 37 years.

And big admiration for ledodgy's SIL. Did they ever get together?

ConnieDescending · 05/06/2007 10:34

I don't think the op was asking for approval. More acknowledgment that things aren't always black and white when it comes to affairs of the heart.

eeek my DH wants to get a bigger fish tank!

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 10:36

No life isnt black & white we dont all marry our princes and live happily ever after, marriages break down - thats life

I think your DH in this situation is as much to blame as you but the nature of the male beast is if he can have a bit on the side with no consequences he will. As a women you should have more empathy towards his wife and have stood back from the situation, surely the ability to do this is what separates humans from other animals.

I'm sure you did not worry yourself overly about the hurt you caused him and the ongoing hurt you will cause to his child growing up without his/her father so why so sensitive about a group of strangers pointing this out to you. You could of course have said "yes I am very interested in you but I will not get involved with a married man - if you are not married then call me" but you chose not to, you are not the victim here!

Having said that there is no excuse for people getting abusive - which does happen too often on here.

tbh I havent heard of many men looking for a bit on the side who say "my wife is great looking, great in bed, a good wife a good mum but I just want to look at new scenery while im having a shag" they all have wives who "dont understand them etc. etc" you really dont have any idea of what his marriage was really like, just what he told you in order to get what he wanted. Im glad it worked out for you but perhaps a few years down the line when some other woman is doing the same to you with your DH (and you have to acknowledge this is possible, he has already proved himself capable of it) then you will understand why those who have been "the wife" react that way.

NKF · 05/06/2007 10:38

Okay, not for approval but just as everybody who disapproves sees things in cliched terms ie. homewrecker etc, people in the affair think in cliches too. Failing marriage, symptom not cause. It might not be approval she seeks but she does want his family to see her side. And they don't by the sounds of it.

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 10:38

I meant to say I'm sure you did not worry yourself overly about the hurt you caused her

ledodgy · 05/06/2007 10:39

Bozza not yet he's split from his wife but sil wants to wait a good few months yet to let then sort out what they need to without her being in the way.

ledodgy · 05/06/2007 10:39

*them

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 10:39

Perhaps they liked his wife, perhaps she was a good wife - if she had been abusive and unfaithful I sure they would have welcomed the op with open arms.

ernest · 05/06/2007 10:41

so much that I want to say. But I know I shouldn't. So suffice it to say, shame on you, no sympathy from me, sort of understand you il's, tho amazed they've kept it up so long, but I'm sure you helped there too.? Do you never worry you'll suffer a similar fate? After all, 2nd marriages can be happier, but statistically more likely to fail. and you know just how faithful and trustworthy he can be.....

KerryMum · 05/06/2007 10:41

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lasvegas · 05/06/2007 10:42

I am my husband's second wife. I am terrified that people will think I am a homewrecker so I am always mention that DH was separated for 4 yrs before we met.

Carmenere · 05/06/2007 10:42

My point is that relationships are built on trust and that even if we are lucky enough to have a loyal and trustworthy partner( and they are the norm as opposed to the exception) there is always an element of fear. So no matter how much you protest that an affair is wrong and you would never do it, you cant speak for your dh/dp. The fear is always there, that is part of trusting, accepting it.
Even if you have had a fantastic life experience of happy parents and a happy relationship yourself there is always going to be some element of fear that a woman like BSB will attract your partner.

And that is why she is totally bonkers to come on mn and admit that she was the OW. IMO

bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/06/2007 10:43

I sympathise with 'other women' partly because I am the child of a second relationship - my mother was named in my fathers divorce to his first wife. I also feel the blame lies with the man - it is a choice they make to break up a family. I do think it is almost always stupid and naive to enter knowingly into a relationship with a married man but not evil.

Relationships are complicated and the reason they break down equally so - I intend never to be unfaithful and would not expect my husband to be. If he was I would no doubt be tempted to blame the other woman but it would not be fair - emotions you feel about your own situation are too easily projected onto other peoples circumstances... that creates unfair and judgemental criticism.

NKF · 05/06/2007 10:43

She doesn't want her son to know his grandparents by the sound of it. She just wants not to be judged harshly.

KerryMum · 05/06/2007 10:44

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 05/06/2007 10:46

What if your husband left you for another woman now though. Wouldn't you have rather that the other woman had left your hubby alone so maybe he would have made more of a go of your relationship/tried harder/gone to counselling/etc.

I suppose it does depend on the relationship, if the wife is an utter shrew then maybe the hubby can't be blamed for giving up, maybe he's already tried so many times. I certainly don't think people should stay in relationships they're unhappy in if they've tried.

But I also think a lot of men just up sticks and go to where the grass is greener. Married life with all its domesticity gets a bit boring and its fam more exciting for a bloke to pick up a yonger, slimmer model who doesn't nag him so much and she doesn't haven't the stress of looking after screaming kids. And of course he tells his new gf that his wife was horrible, etc and she believes him. And the wife is left behind sobbing wondering where it all went wrong.

I do think women should leave married men alone. If the relationship is that bad then wait till he leaves her anyway. So he is leaving her for himself rather than for you.

Carmenere · 05/06/2007 10:47

And this is the real sorrow in the op's story. The ex-wife has gotten rid of a cheating dp who didn't love her. The dp has a dw he loves and who loves him but the bloody adults have let their feelings ruin the relationships the children have with each other Now THAT is a bloody disgrace.

contentiouscat · 05/06/2007 10:48

NKF "everyone who disapproves sees things in cliched terms ie. homewrecker etc, people in the affair think in cliches too. Failing marriage, symptom not cause."

I agree totally.

I can see reasons for meeting someone else and falling in love eg if you are in an abusive relationship. But I guess being a strong person myself I dont see any reason why you have to be "in a relationship" if you are that unahappy leave, move on, be on your own dont jump on the first person who will have you behave with dignity fgs be an adult.

I always thought affairs were unaccepable its not just something I have learned as a result of experience.

Lizzylou · 05/06/2007 10:52

Carmenere, agree totally

For the children's sake, the grown ups need to start acting maturely and building bridges. Whatever anyone may think about past actions, what is done is done and bitterness and recriminations are not going to help anyone.

KerryMum · 05/06/2007 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBe · 05/06/2007 10:53

So do your children know they have a half sister?

themildmanneredjanitor · 05/06/2007 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzylou · 05/06/2007 10:54

KM, I think it has to come from Op's DH, they are his parents/his daughter.

Quattrocento · 05/06/2007 10:55

Maybe it's all a question of the angle people are coming from. One of my previously close friends was absolutely destroyed for a while when her husband left her for another (unmarried) woman. I held her hand through all the "marriage vows are sacred, it's not just him, she's guilty of adultery too" rants, and the tears and all the rest. They had no children and a pretty difficult and strained relationship so I think it all worked out for the best.

But I was astonished when three years later she became the other woman. She met a married man ("the marriage was dead, had it not been, he would not have strayed"), encouraged him to give up work (and hence supporting his two absolutely adorable children) to go to university and finally insisted that they move 200 miles away because she didn't want him seeing his children and rather nastily didn't want anyone to catch up with him for not paying for his children. ("why should I pay for his children")

We've not been friends since. Somehow I couldn't be. Nothing to do with the morals of the adults in all this - just the fact that they didn't put the children first.

NKF · 05/06/2007 10:55

Kerrymum - she can't do it alone. Her husband has to want to. And they have to make an effort. Contact family, show they want to have a good relationship with them. It might not work but there's no easy answer and no short cuts.