So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

[BrownSugarBabe]

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

qc I worked with someone who did similar. partner had an affair for three years, they tried to work it out but in the end he left to go to the ow. Girl was off sick for months. took an overdose, ended up in hospital etc. six months later she came back, within a month she'd met someone else, all talk of this man, eventually they spent the night together in some hotel, and only then did it transpire that he was married. All the support, all the respect she'd had from people at work was lost then. she'd been there - she should have known better.

maybe h is reluctant to make that move because if he approaches the family then the real truth will out, ie what really happened at the end of the marriage... and he wouldn't want op to know the truth really would he?

QC/Wannabe, my SIL did the exact same thing, she is marrying him next month. He left the woman he left his 1st wife for, for my SIL, 2 months after her fiance ended their relationship for another woman. We supported her , held her when she cried etc, then she went out to get this man (not a catch imo) and caused a lot pain to others, knowing how much it hurt. I can barely look her in the eye now, and as for him.....

I was not a bit on the side, and neither was this a fling. We were actually best friends who met on a course - and we spent a lot of time chatting and studying. Intimacy happened between us towards the end of their relationship. As soon as he realised he was in love with me and not with her - he told her. As I said - if this was a mistake, we would know this by now, as he would not still be here.

I resent the terms "messing around" and "bit on the side" as it sounds cheap. Why do people always concentrate on the smutty aspects of these things and not the emotional.

It is also not a question about whether they liked his ex- or not. The fact that was hurtful in this situation is that they did not support him or listen to him, and as I said they did not even know me to not like me.

My post was to open up a general discussion about the vilification of so-called other women and men who leave relationships to be with someone else. It was not to discuss the intricacies of my particular relationship, which I was simply using to illustrate a point.

LasVegas it is all very well saying what caring people will or won't do. Or for others to say wait for one relationship to end before starting another. People stay in relationships for lots of reasons, sometimes because they don't have the courage to quit when it is not working - are you suggesting that DH and his partner should stay in an uncomunicative, unloving, unaffectionate relationship for the sake of the child - what model would that be for a child growing up?

Saying I should have left him alone ContentiousCat because he was in a relationship is ridiculous - so are you saying married men can't have female friends? I did not set out to have an affair with DH and vice versa - we were just friends and a relationship blossomed from there - in life, that happens.

We need to get away from the stereotyped image of the vampish predatory other woman who goes around stealing other people's men - it's just unrealistic and I guess it is based on married women's fears.

Some people have posted saying what if it happened to you - I don't have that fear that it will - but that doesn't mean that it could never happen to me - usually these things don't happen out of the blue though do they? If it does, then I will deal with it. I don't go around condemning people for things that I am frightened of - projecting my own fears on to them - which is where I think this whole other woman thing comes from.

but 'Intimacy happened between us towards the end of their relationship' means you were with a man who was married, he was not your to get intimimate with.
Some people refer this to as being a bit on the side.

well actually yes they do happen out of the blue

Not for the cheating partner, but for the other one when they find out.

if the timing is right, he was 'best friends' with you while his wife was pregnant - a time when most women are a hormonal mess and men panic at the thought of the responsibilities that lay ahead. My husband had some good female friends but I went slightly hysterical at the time I was pregnant and made him stop seeing them as I kept thinking how much prettier than they were than me in my bloated stage. I'm glad I did (though we see them now as a family).

BSB - it sounds to me as if they didn't support him because they didn't like what he did.

It's always tricky to raise a general point and see it discussed in an abstract fashion if you use own personal experience.

I guess the thread didn't go the way you wanted.

ContentiousCat I think your post was really judgemental - I really don't understand why you are so bitter.

You have taken the exact stance that I think MIL and his sisters have taken and really no amount of negotiating, talking, will change such a bitter and twisted stance.

You don't know me, or what level of empathy I have towards his ex-. Again here we have a perfect example of the so-called other woman being labelled immoral, uncaring, etc. As if I did and still get up every morning and look in the mirror to decide what I can do to ruin someone's life. Shame on you.

BSB whatever your motives may be it is highly unlikely that you are going to change anyones opinions or attitudes to extra marital affairs.
What you did was wrong. But it has worked out well for you which is great. However your actions have had reprocussions for your and dh's dc's and this you should at least put right. I know you have your dsd to stay and are working on building a relationship with her which is great.
BUT your dc is missing out on a whole side of his/hers family and that is something that you could perhaps think about rectifying. I am NOT saying that this is totally your fault, obviously it is extremely hurtful when a gp rejects your dc. However you and your dh really should try to facilitate a building of brigdges. And if that involves eating shit well so be it. Your actions had consequences.

No it?s not always black and white. Yes, people fall in love with other people and marriages end because of it. But if you slept with him before he ended his marriage then you were, for a time, his bit on the side. Doesn?t matter how you dress it up. Doesn?t matter whether you were in love or not. He was married to someone else so he wasn?t yours to love. And if he was a decent human being then he would have ended his marriage before sleeping with you but clearly he didn?t.

And maybe you need to ask yourself why your dh didn?t have the courage to leave his wife if the marriage was that bad? Perhaps he couldn?t because he didn?t want to face the prospect of being alone so he waited for someone better to come along.

Maybe you are now in the right place, you have a committed relationship with your husband and you are obviously happy. But you?re clearly not happy about the way it came about otherwise you wouldn?t be seaking approval for it. The way your relationship began was wrong. Always was, always will be. You caused the break-up of someone else?s marriage, and that can never be approved IMO.

I disagree PPP - I think that if something is that wrong in your relationship - especially when you have had endless discussions and arguments about it - it the other person comes and says they want to leave or they have found someone else - how can that be a surprise.

'As if I did and still get up every morning and look in the mirror to decide what I can do to ruin someone's life'

Maybe not but at some point you did make the descision to take things further with a man already in a relationship and it is for this you are being judged and can't really expect not to be.

I have three older half-siblings and two younger full-sibs but I have always said I am one of 6 and I don't feel any less 'related' to my older sibs. My parents were flawed in many ways but they encouraged us to build relationships as children and my mum is very close to my neices and nephews - with the same relationship as any grandmother.

This was not an instant situation and there was plenty of bad feeling in the families involved - but they were conscious that the children were not to blame and should never suffer as a result - this approach paid off. Now my mum has a good relationship with Dads 1st wife - but dad is dead so the focus of their enmity no longer exists! The right thing is not always the easy thing to do when a marriage breaks up - it is a real shame when children have to carry the burden of adults anger at each other.

Hard facts are that you were his bit on the side. He didnt leave his wife until he had secured his next move.

It might have been a surprise because she thought it was a phase. Or she thought that things could get better. Or she was pre-occupied with the baby. Lots of reasons why she might be surprised. They'd been together for over 12 years and were having a child.

Also, there is a lot of post event rationalising that goes on when someone has an affair. Until they met someone else, their marriage might have seemed okay. The new relationship exposes its weaknesses and then it's all "It was never good. We were always incompatible."

But as you say, that was seven years ago and you are confident that things will be okay between you.

As to why people concentrate on the smutty side, it's what outsiders see. They're not in love with either of you so they see the other stuff - the hurt, the damage, the lies.

BSB, but all that is in the past, what you and your DH did was wrong in many people's eyes and you can't expect people to change their morals to make yourself feel better, this is an emotive subject. I realise that you feel lambasted and hurt that you are portrayed as a "bit on the side", and I understand why you feel annoyed at that, we don't know the ins and outs of DH's past marriage and nor should we.

I think, from here, the most important thing is for you and your DC/SD is to get on with the future and starting to mend/start relationships in order for everyone to get on with their lives.

"are you suggesting that DH and his partner should stay in an uncomunicative, unloving, unaffectionate relationship for the sake of the child - what model would that be for a child growing up?"

My parents marriage effectively broke down when I was a child. They remained together until my brother, my youngest sibling, left home for university.

They were dignified and there was no yelling, no baiting each other and we were not involved in their difficulties at all. And there were no other women or men until the very end, when my mum conducted a very quiet affair with the man with whom she now lives, and for whom she 'left' my father. Thsi was though after years of living apert together as it were, and we were grown up by then.

The model they provided was one of parents who were prepared to put their children first. Absolutely. And I couldn't love or admire them more for it.

Do you think your stepdaughter will describe her father in the same terms? I really hope so.

Well good for them Becky but Jeez I certainly wouldn't have wanted my parents to mortgage 10/15 years of their lives so that I could have a conventional nuclear family(or appear to have anyhow). I actually find that sad and am not suprised that your mum had a bit on the side---Oh sorry a very discreet affair.