So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

[BrownSugarBabe]

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

Have you ever said sorry to his ex and the family? Have you ever acknowledged that what you did was wrong?

Okay, you don't want support. Sorry, it rather sounded like you did. You want a discussion. Got it. But I haven't understood what it is you want to discuss?

The question you ask in your OP is "Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame?"

It's not easy to have a discussion around that question. I suppose the questions are:

(a) Should blame be an issue (for most people the answer to that is yes)

(b) If so who should be blamed?

(c) How do you sustain family relationships?

(d) What about the children in all this?

Wow, BSB, 'real love doesn't have those sort of boundaries' ie faithfulness? So you'd be happy if your dh was shagging around? I think you'll find most people would object, actually.

Think Contentious Cat had it right with her earlier post - so good I'll post it again: 'tbh I havent heard of many men looking for a bit on the side who say "my wife is great looking, great in bed, a good wife a good mum but I just want to look at new scenery while im having a shag" they all have wives who "dont understand them etc. etc"

Er, actually, I've known quite a few men who do say they love their wives and have good sex at home, but also want a fling.

Not saying they're right, just putting the facts straight.

all the criticisms being levelled at the op are really regarding the decisions made by the husband and he is ultimately responsible - the discussion was about why women attack other women rather than the men that leave them - I am always saddened by the destructive way women turn on each other in such circumstances.

Marriages are not infalliable institutions people enter into them for all sorts of reasons. In cultures where arranged marriages are the norm divorce is less common but is this because we cannot be trusted to make our own life choices? No I don't think so - or because the structures and norms that used to hold marriages together no longer exist and whether or not you think that is a good thing - we have to accept unhappiness as a consequence of putting marriage ahead of personal freedom, with choice there will always be the feeling that there might be something better on the horizon.

MI, I think the point was that men (and women) who have affairs tend to spin the line that their marriage/partnership is 'over' and other women/men who believe them are a bit naive.

Oh blame is such a strange issue what is done is done but I do think you need to accept that you knowingly hurt another person, I really dont know how anyone does that it would give me sleepless nights.

I think the reason people did not jump on milkshake when she discussed her extra-marital dilemma was because she aknowledged that it was hurtful and not "right" despite her feelings for the other person.

I would never suggest anyone should stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children far better to have two separated parents that are happy - it just makes it easier for both parties to move on if no one else is involved.

But they don't, not all of them. I've been the other woman, long ago, I know that whereof I speak

BSB - no doubt about it real love is powerful, life changing, challenging, marvellous etc. Is that what you wanted to discuss? I don't think many people would disagree. If on the other hand, you want to discuss what you should do if you feel real love for someone other than the mother of your child. Or for a man whose wife is pregnant? Or, seven years down the line, how should you behave towards children of the relevant partnerships? I'm still waiting to hear the point to be debated.

Bigmouth, that is the point I was TRYING to make on my post further down. As I was the one tempted to stray, I would have been the one to blame for wrecking my marriage if I ad gone ahead, not the other person, and certainly not my husband. It is the person who is IN a relationship and who does the cheating that is to blame. But I also think that other people should respect a person being married and not behave towards them as if they are single.

brownsugar you mentioned in other thread that SD mum came on a zoo visit with you. I am amazed that she did so. Did she take much persuading?

If her DH wants to come on here im sure we would give him a talking to as well LOL

Affairs are caused by two people who are equally to blame and selfish.

I have to say if anyone who was in a relationship ever came on to me I always thought "sleeze, like id be interested in some man who would behavelike that"...not a prize worth winning (kind of like the goldfish that dies the day after you win it at the fair)

I don't feel vitriolic. I'm just curious as to what the OP wants.

Was their baby planned? Your dh and his ex wife? Because you say that for 5 years previously he had "tried to make it work". Did they conceive a child to try to make it work?

Because that is the sticking point for me really. He left "soon after she was born". Which makes him a bit of a sod in my eyes.

May be the op wanted to stir up a scrap unfortunately for her this has been quite a civilised discussion

Actually just realised the Diana Charles Camilla reference.

Hmm Charles older man, Diana younger obviously needy woman. He charms her at the engagement when asked "are you in love" he says "whatever that is" (any not so needy woman would be heading for the hills at that point) then allegedly carries on calling the other woman during his honeymoon.

Interesting

Did you know your now DH's wife well, did you make no judgements on her suitability to be his wife?

BSB - did you just want a scrap? Come on now. Be honest.

Not possible to build a relationship with IL's I think that boat has sailed. I accept that and DH accepts it. They were all invited to the wedding and chose not to come.

The point of the thread, was to find out what is behind this common thing of stereotyping people who happen to fall in love with each other. Why should the man be called a Bd or W***r, why should the woman be a homewrecking, sex crazed, slut necessarily, and why does the one left behind always become this saintly persona?

Well, for the sake of argument, let's accept that the three people involved are stereotyped that way, why do you think that's the case?

As I said earlier .. at one stage in your life you were morally bankrupt and no discussion will be able to salve your conscience .. even though you pretend that you don't have one you were in the wrong, for the vast majority of people you were in the wrong and deserve the villification you receive for THESE PAST ACTS

but again as I said you are a grown-up, at least you should be, and you have the option to make the best of your life and to develop a moral standpoint

asking us all to legitimise your choices is facile at best, it will never happen

but asking for support now, and having an aim to make things better for all involved - for your DH and his family (MIL/ SILs), for his child and the other woman, and for you and your child(ren) is fair enough .. but you don't appear to have any desire to do that

no what you want is for everyone else to admit that you were in the right all along .. well you weren't

Because the person who is in the relationship/marriage breaks a promise to his/her partner. And if the ow/om knows about their partners relationship, they are complicit in the break of this promise.
Therefore the person who did not break the promise is automatically on a more secure moral footing.
That is the black and white version. Of course there are exceptions and maybe yours is one of these situations BUT you are not going to ever change the basic facts as outlined above.