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Original poster

So ladies, am I the evil homewrecking "other woman"? [shock]

478 replies

BrownSugarBabe · 05/06/2007 09:37

I posted last week about my step-daughter asking "Am I an evil stepmother". I was shocked at how I got lambasted in some of the replies, which literally accused me of being a homewrecker - all because I said that DH left his relationship to be with me.

Why is the assumption always that when a man leaves a relationship and starts a new relationship it's the "other woman" who is to blame. It just seems illogical to me - if he had been happy in his previous relationship (he wasn't) then he would not have left would he? If he got everything he needed in his previous relationship (he didn't), he would not have looked elsewhere (for company, friendship, conversation and yes, intimacy). He tried to make it work with his ex-girlfriend/partner for half of their 12-year relationship. I was a symptom of the fact it was not working - not the cause. It is tragic that he finally gave up and left the relationship soon after their child was born - but again - this is not my fault. We got married within four months of getting together.

The reaction I got on MN is exactly the attitude taken by my so called MIL whom I have never met and whose exact words to him were "That woman is no daughter in law of mine". His two sisters also sided with this view. Needless to say MIL and DS's aunties have never met DS (aged 3.5) and never will as far as I am concerned.

It is this toxic dynamic that caused DH to be estranged from SD for the past five years of her life - because had DH's family not been so judgemental of the situation, they could have helped both DH and his ex- during that first year of acrimonious and hostile visits to see his daughter, rather than making it worse.

I am sick and tired of people who don't know me judging me - or assuming that DH's ex is some saintly figure who was the innocent party in all of this. It's just like the DIana-Charles-Camilla situation isn't it? DH and I have been happily married for seven years now so surely if I was just a fling I would not still be here would I?

OP posts:
Janos · 05/06/2007 23:10

I actually started reading this thread feeling fairly sympathetic to the OP.

Really made me feel very

Cammelia · 05/06/2007 23:13

BSB, you really don't like women do you

Janos · 05/06/2007 23:15

I don't think BSB likes anyone except for herself. Her lack of conscience is actually quite shocking and upsetting.

tribpot · 05/06/2007 23:16

Arf: "I also resent the term that I have broken up a home." Because .. you did?

"until she gets used to her new family situation?" (Of 7 years)

"We live 60 miles away so to go and pick her up to bring her here and to bring her back - it's a big deal and you don't even get a thank you. " - my step father used to drive 100 miles to London every other Friday to pick up his kids, and back on a Sunday, and work a 100 hour week at work. I doubt the number of thank yous he got; he didn't count them - it was his job as a parent.

Ah -and here the standard phrase "If you are determined to twist everything I say then I am not going to bother to defend myself - so go ahead say what you want. "

And confirmation in that thread that the dh left the previous partner when the little girl was 4 weeks old. Way to go!

Quattrocento · 05/06/2007 23:23

The more I think about these two strands, the more I think that they are not entirely serious.

tribpot · 05/06/2007 23:23

Also, I'm going to say again before I head off to bed: presumably if dh came to you and said "well, sorry and that, I've slept with someone else as it is indicative that our relationship is on the wane" you would of course say - well, fair play to you and good luck.

milkchocolate · 06/06/2007 08:32

Quattrocento, having read these threads, I was thinking the same. Is it really POSSIBLE to be that callous? Are these people for real? I am so shocked and sad at this. Could it be a wind-up.

NKF · 06/06/2007 09:38

I thought a wind up at one point but it was a well executed one if it was. And I do think some people are quite blind to other people's feelings.

Oblomov · 06/06/2007 10:37

God, what a thread. It has taken me ages and I have read nearly every post.
Am I to assume that we are no further forward / have achieved nothing

Bananaknickers · 06/06/2007 11:19

I haven't read any post from the op that makes me think she is very sorry for what happened. It is just a he wanted me instead of her so tough shit..
Can I ask you a question ? How would you feel if you were not getting on with dh and he came home and said he had been shagging someone else?
Does anybody get on with their other half 100% all of the time? I don't think that gives one of you the right to go shag someone else. You talk about things or decide to finish.
Instead of trying to change peoples minds to think affairs are justified why not try and build bridges with those you have hurt. Even if it means going around to ex and saying you are truly sorry and you never meant to hurt her. Try the same with the in laws to. Getting on your high horse and trying to make them fit in with you is making it worse.
The children are what matter in all this.

Bananaknickers · 06/06/2007 11:21

Mistressmiggins

Wow a lot has happened to you since you dh left.I am so glad things have got better for you.You deserve it

OrmIrian · 06/06/2007 11:44

OK. Do you want to know what I think about all this? (probably not but I'm going to tell you anyway).

DH and I married each other. We chose to because we loved each other and thought we'd make a fair go of staying together for life. We have been together through bereavement, depression, 3 children, being very broke and almost losing our home, redundandancy and DH spending 4 years at uni. And in all that time we've had ups and downs and there have been some times when I have felt he wasn't there for me and that perhaps I didn't want him around, and I'm damn sure he has felt the same. But so what. We're human beings and life happens to you. We've sorted things out one way or another. Are we passionately in love? No. Do we love each other? Yes. Do we still feel that the wellbeing of the other person is as important to us as our own? Yes. If at any point he had made a unilateral decision that our relationship was over and he was moving on I would feel that he had totally 100% betrayed the spirit of our marriage and really was a scumbag of the very first order.

Infidelty doesn't just happen. Broken legs and car accidents 'just happen'. With infidelity you make a choice. Maybe you can't help how you feel but you can help acting on it. To say otherwise is to deny that you are a responsible adult.

IMO obviously..

mistressmiggins · 06/06/2007 11:45

just read my post back
by 3rd child, I did mean his DD 10yr
dont want anyone thinking Ive had a new baby!!!!

mistressmiggins · 06/06/2007 11:47

well said ormiran

Oblomov · 06/06/2007 12:03

Yes ormiran. Well said. Infidelity doesn't just happen. There is so many stages that it could stop, it is unreal: when you found out he was married; as you became close: the first kiss; the first sex.

Infidelity is wrong. Don't even bother trying to persuade me otherwise. Leave your partner first. Am I black and white about this. Yes. Becasue I think it IS very simple.

She shows no remorse. She said I don't think we've done anything wrong.
She has no intention of trying to improve things.

WHAT IS THE POINT - where are we going with this discussion ?

And just becasue you do it once, doesn't necessarily mean that you will do it again. But what it does mean is that you can lie(becasue there is ALWAYS lies involved), cheat, and that doesn't sit well for me morally, and doesn't sit well for any future relationship.

SueBaroo · 06/06/2007 12:27

What an unbelievably depressing thread. OP sounds like my SM, actually.
She was utterly convinced she was in the right in having an affair with my father and doted on her children with him and considered me and my brother a bit of an interloper in their happiness. She even told me I had to accept that my daddy had a new family now, and that I was part of his old family.

Eventually, she 'fell in love' with a different married man with children, and left my father (who was utterly repentant and broken-hearted over what he'd done). The son that she adored thinks she's a complete bitch now. What goes around, and all that. I think she's got mental issues, kind of like a compulsive shoplifter, only she does with other women's marriages. She still doesn't think she's done a thing wrong.

OrmIrian · 06/06/2007 13:01

"She even told me I had to accept that my daddy had a new family now, and that I was part of his old family. "

Ouch, subaroo !!

Oblomov · 06/06/2007 13:07

Suebaroo My stepmum said to similar to me.
And,infront of my father, she said, " your mother doesn't love you. nobodys ever loved you"
To which I looked to my dad, who did nothing.

And he chose not to cometo our wedding 4 years ago.

My dad has nigh on now 'divorced' all his children.
Her 5 children are fine, I assume.

So, she has, in the end, got what she wanted.

I understand, my sympathies, Suebaroo.

Quattrocento · 06/06/2007 13:22

Sorry SueBaroo

There is a wicked stepmother in many fairy tales. I heard a programme about this about a year ago, discussing whether or not stepmothers were truly wicked or whether it was an unfortunate stereotype.

One psychologist was of the opinion that mothers tend to put their own children first. Stepmothers therefore put their own children very firmly ahead of their partners' children from previous relationships, to the detriment of those children. As indeed has the OP here.

The programme concluded that there was a basis in behaviour for the wicked stepmother myth.

I'd like to see someone start a thread for positive experience of stepmothers. There must be some kind and loving souls out there.

uberalice · 06/06/2007 13:38

Umm, BSB - if you and your DH are inseparable, what does he think about this thread?

SueBaroo · 06/06/2007 13:40

cheers for the sympathy

I'd love to hear some positive SM stores, actually. I do know they exist.

SueBaroo · 06/06/2007 13:40

stories that is. I don't think SM stores exist. That would be wierd.

Mhamai · 06/06/2007 14:12

I hereby declare this thread and any other spinoffs thereof Evilcowandgate.

Mhamai · 06/06/2007 14:13

Ps, that is of course not in reference to the op but the general thread about a thread about a threadness of it all.

donnie · 06/06/2007 14:14

the OP shagged a married guy whose wife was pregnant then he dumped her, leaving her to cope with a new baby alone.

" if he'd got everything he needed in his previous relationship he wouldn't have looked elsewhere".

how droll. Just give it time BSB - people don't change that easily. Just give it time.