If you've given up work outside the home to be with the kids, are you happy with the decision?

[jeangenie]

Has anyone on here given up work to stay at home with the kids, even though it meant a financial struggle? How do you feel about the decision now?

(am considering this at the moment,trying to make myself hold back until I'm certain, but finding it hard to restrain myself this morning for some reason...)

I gave up work when I was 9 weeks pg with my first. The awful midwife we started with said the pains I was having probaly meant I was going to miscarry. I packed in work straight away and haven't worked since. That baby is now 5 yrs 9 months and I have had 2 babies since then. Right from the start we only had one salary so it is what we are used too. No job or extra money is worth not bringing up my children myself, for us.

we are used to two salaries, and have sizeable mortgage. However, pre-kids and recent career developments we managed to live frugally enough

My job is driving me mad AND I feel I am missing out on the kids (two DDs, 1 4 and about to start in reception in Jan, the other almost 2). Will this feeling pass or should I accept it, give up and tighten that belt?

it's hard living on one salary esp. when it's very low like dh's £14k, but it's worth it to spend the time with the kids when they are young.

I gave up work when I was 7 months with DS1 (nearly 5yo)(ds2 is 2.2) and we've struggled like hell since. A few times when I've decided I don't want to be at home all the time I've been for job interviews and been offered jobs but when it's come down to it I can't leave the kids. DS1 is now at school full time, and DS2 goes to playschool 3 mornings a week (total 9hours) and TBH they both love being away from me/each other for a while. When I'm alone I work from home (book-keeping) and visit people who've I've managed to keep doing a little work for over the last few years for 'pin money' just to keep my hand in so when DS2 is at school I can work full time (well around school hours).

The things I've found the hardest are the lack of money - going from 2 full time salaries to 1 and a bit is hard, the lack of adult conversation, the way that you can slowly feel youself going mad, the way you are no longer your own person - you belong to your children.

OTOH - I wouldn't change it for the world. I've been there for first steps, first words, first poos on potty etc etc and you only get one chance at those things. Any financial holes can be climbed out of once the kids start school and you can get back to work.. I've found it hard but most def. worth it.

I gave up after I had dd (now 2.10, and I also have ds 5.4).

I don't regret it at all, although I loved my job and miss it. I did feel the need to do something else as well though, and am doing an OU degree. It is a perfect happy medium for me. But financially it IS a bugger.

Delighted.

Gave up in August (had been 2 day/wk till then.)

Really loving having time with the dds (aged 4 and 2) and more time for myself.

We are comfortably off on one income though - my salary mostly went on childcare anyway. But I think we'd still be happier if I was at home, even if we were struggling more financially. It just suits us ATM.

Yes, and we struggle financially but are a strong family unit because I am home. I am so glad I did it as I would have really resented missing out on this time with dts and no job I have ever done was worth me loosing out on this experience.

I am sure kids remember Mum always being there for Nativity plays, etc than the fact that they had the latest toy. Mums would rather have those memories too I think.

I gave up work when pg with ds1, almost five years ago. TBH I always knew that if I had kids I would want to be the main care-giver and I am very happy being SAHM. Even though I do feel that I will return to work at some point, and I know it will not be easy finding a suitable position, I just always believed that it was my job to look after my kids when they were/are little.

Financially it is a real struggle but if I had continuted to work the amount I would have had to spend on childcare would have meant that we would not have been any better off anyway.

Looking after ds myself is great and I love the fact that I have not missed any of his milestones and I am always here when he needs me.

On the downside I do miss work and I miss the satisfaction that goes with doing a good job. Staying at home is a thankless task and without sounding big headed I was very good at my job whereas I don't always feel such a great mother so I suppose my confidence has taken a battering.

It is a difficult decision only you know what feels right for you and your family. In an ideal world I would love to work 2 days per week but to know that ds is closeby.

I have to admit it hasn't been a financial struggle for us, but I do love staying at home. I have loved being there for every first. I know she has benefited from having time with me. She is bright and confident. What job is worth leaving your 3 month old at a day care for 8 hours I ask you? I understand for some people its a necessity, but I don't understand why people who can don't.

I still get to the nativity plays etc, I work 4 days a week and manage my days around stuff like that..

I just feel pulled in too many different directions and with DD1 heading off to reception in January it makes me conscious of how fleeting these early days are

ideally I too would work 2 days a week, to keep the social/intellectual interaction going but also be foremost at home. My job just doesn't permit that

I don't love my job, its driving me crazy at the moment if I am honest

we will be stony broke though

tbh I have always worked outside the home and it feels like a major and scary step to give it up

Work isn't the only place to get social and intellectual stimulation.

Yes, I hate rushing about. As a SAHM I get to take things slowly (as long as I'm organised) so I get things right the first time. I am my own boss.
I have also made so many friends from doing the pre-school run and joining the committee, can't wait until their both at school with 2 lots of mums to play with!
Financially I've been really able to take control and set up ways of saving money I never had the time to before. Just things like saving energy in the home, moving money about in the best way and shopping around before buying anything. We went down to one car last year too which has saved us a fortune. Learning to live more frugally has been a great lesson, it's really changed my values, for the better I think. You'll be surprised how much of your current income is wasted.

Oh and camping in the UK is very cool right now so this is an ideal time to reduce your income!

Yes happy with the decision. Although we're fortunate enough for it not to be a financial struggle, I would do all I could for one of us not to work even if DH's income went down.

That said, it can be mind numbingly tedious at times but whenever I think about getting a job I know I couldn't do it unless I really really had to.

I have been a SAHM for almost 2 years now

I suspect most of us had "always worked outside the home" before we, well, stopped working outside the home. And you can certainly interact intellectually and socially outside of paid work. Be imaginative.

However, if you are just fed up with your job, change jobs...

didn't mean to p* anyone off about the "social and intellectual interaction" - of course I agree that you can get that outside the workplace. In fact, given the calibre of the interaction I get at my current place of work I'll get a lot more stimulation/interaction if I stay home with the DDs!

I need the headspace, and I don't think another job is teh answer, I do want to spend much more time with the DDs

I guess I just wanted to hear some positive stories (thank you all for those ) in order to help me make what feels to me to be a big change

stockingofdinosaurs - I think you hit it on the head - I feel we spend lots more money than we need to cos we are so busy rushing around all the time

and we already love camping

Ideally, if we won the lottery, I would be happy to be a SAHM.
Am currently on maternity leave with DD (5 months). Also have a DS (4) who started Reception in September.
Has been great being at home but am going back 4 days per week in Jan ('short' 6hr days) and am looking forward to the stimulation, socialising etc, although I am fortunate that my employer lets me work at home for 1 or 2 of these days.
Did the same after having DS and although you inevitably feel pulled in all directions when working (even part-time), I think it is a 'horses for courses' situation - some people can manage full-time, others need part-time and others just need SAHM.
I earn more working part-time than DH does working full-time so am the main breadwinner. I am also lucky that my parents and DHs mum are close by and help out with childcare. If I did decide to be a SAHM we would really struggle financially. Also, am not sure I could really deal with being totally financially dependent on DH...have been used to earning my 'own' money for 20 years or so... agree that it would be a scary step.
At the end of the day, there is no right or wrong answer - it's what is right for your family and your situation. Have you asked your employer if 2 days is possible? Or if you did finish, is there an alternative job you would consider that is possible for 2 days a week?
HTH and apologies for long post.

Can you find a part time job in another field?

Could you actually manage on one income?
If you can't then there's no point in hankering after SAHMdom.

Could you do some part-time study?

I honestly don't think you can base your decision on anyone else's experience. I was absolutely adamant that I could never stay at home with the children, but once I had them, I changed my mind. My friend was equally adamant that she could never go back to work while hers were small. She went back after 6 months each time.

If you CAN afford it, and as you hate your job, could you try it for a bit and see, while researching new job opportunities?

And what does your dh think? Because for us it was a joint decision. In fact, dh has had a stint of SAHDdom himself. Like you, he was hacked off with his job, so he took three months off, looked after ds, sorted out the kitchen and found a better job. I went back to work for a year.

if we go onto one income it'll be very tight, we are going to look at the sums again tonight

I am a bit worried about the dependency on DH's money, not just the "will we manage" bit, but the potential lack of independence... but it needn't be forever after all

Well said BeckyBS!

I won't really be basing my decision on anyone else's. I know it is a personal thing that only my family can decide. However I am very interested to hear other people's experiences, always am when I have a big decision to make, as sometimes things emerge that I haven't considered previously. So thanks everyone for sharing your thoughts

I never gave up so I don't have that experience. I'm glad I carried on working. I think you have to make up your own mind however and look at how your lives might be different if you went down either path. Do a sort of list - if I work this will happen - pros and cons. If I don't this will. Also look at the position if one of you dies or ther eis a divorce too (I'm divorced so see things a bit differently than some others and I know several people whose other half died too).

Some couples share a bit more and both go part time which may be another otpion for you or your other half may in fact be dying to stay at home and think it unfair if you get that chance and he doesn't.

The dependence thing is a big concept to get your head around, like the idea that you might somehow be letting down all the women that struggled to get you your independence as a woman. But once you accept that he will be just as dependent on you to run the family, household and finances and that spending more time with your kids is never a waste, it's actually quite liberating.
And at the end of the day, being a SAHM is just another job (although it feels like more) - you can always quit and find another one if you don't like it.
This book is very helpful (gets a bit churchy towards the end though .)