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Original poster

If you've given up work outside the home to be with the kids, are you happy with the decision?

442 replies

jeangenie · 13/12/2006 10:55

Has anyone on here given up work to stay at home with the kids, even though it meant a financial struggle? How do you feel about the decision now?

(am considering this at the moment,trying to make myself hold back until I'm certain, but finding it hard to restrain myself this morning for some reason...)

OP posts:
kittyschristmascrackers · 19/12/2006 13:21

'tis true, but he's been primeminister for nearly 10 years !!!

missmapp · 19/12/2006 13:22

So ......if not being around a lot of the time makes you a bad parent, kitty and ur dh isnt around a lot of the time....? See not nice being judged

Bugsy2 · 19/12/2006 13:39

I'm not sure that a "good" parent is one who is around alot. I think there is considerably more to it than that. I think you can parent well by providing a stable, loving environment for your children - & that doesn't mean one of you has to be there every minute of the day.

missmapp · 19/12/2006 13:41

well said - im sure there are plenty of kids who wish their parents wernt around all the time

kittyschristmascrackers · 19/12/2006 14:03

No, you don't but perhpas more than db

I never said dp wasn't around. You see you are making the mistake of judging when you have nothing to go by.

I'm sure there are lots of crap parents who are around alot. What you are doing is judging when you have no information.

By my book db cannot be as decent a parent as if he were around . I am astonished that anyone is trying to say that a poarent who spends a huge amount of time away from their children is therefore good. But then we are all different. perhaps therte are people who deem it perfectly ok to have kids and then spend lots and lots of time away from them. takes all sorts.

missmapp · 19/12/2006 14:07

so all the families with fathers/mothers in the army, navy etc are bad parents? Some people have no choice but to be away due to their job - should they not have children?

kittyschristmascrackers · 19/12/2006 14:19

I don't know if they are bad parents. How would I know that? maybe they are, maybe they aren't. To speculate on that would be like you implying that my dp is a bad parent just because of.....? And I'm not going to be drawn into it either.

I bring you back to TB because it was he who was held up as a good example of parenting versus career success. I said that was a bad example.

missmapp · 19/12/2006 14:25

Im not implying your dp is a bad parent, im simply pointing out that by implying parents who are working most of the time are bad parents, you were referring to people like your dp ( as i read the tread and i apologise if i am mistaken) I think your dp sounds like everyother working parent someone who is trying to do the best for his family finacially and emotionally

sunnysideup · 19/12/2006 14:26

I'm just gossiping here but I was reading 'Hello' or 'OK' magazine recently (oh, over someone's shoulder obviously, I wouldn't BUY them, natch) and there was an article about a pair of ballet dancers who train, perform and tour more than full time, so much so that their daughter lives with her grandparents.

Stable, secure and loving for her I hope....but what a shame her own parents can't prioritise her existence enough to compromise at all on their jobs.

This is a rare situation I know...most people's arrangements are along a more normal sort of spectrum from full time SAHM to full time work, and so long as the children feel prioritised then basically they'll be fine.

I personally felt my parent's were prioritising me, or valuing me, when they spent time with me. Children are time-hungry, they love it and eat it all up if they can....they know what they need and will soon tell parents to butt out when they don't need so much time anymore...

missmapp · 19/12/2006 14:28

agree that doesnt sound ideal sunnyside up, and that parents should make some sacrafices to put their kids first

Wordsmith · 19/12/2006 17:58

Kitty: "I don't know if they are bad parents. How would I know that? maybe they are, maybe they aren't. To speculate on that would be like you implying that my dp is a bad parent just because of.....?"

Exactly. So don't judge others' parenting choices and obligations. You have no idea.

kittyschristmascrackers · 19/12/2006 19:13

I'll judge what I like and won't accept anyone here telling me how when or where I make judgments. Or isn't this an open forum, am I mistaken?

kittyschristmascrackers · 19/12/2006 19:16

No idea? Maybe maybe not but I can make a bloody good educated guess based on the evidence.

blackandwhitecat · 19/12/2006 19:26

Actually Kitty, I agree with you that Tone and Cherie's kids have got a fairly raw deal since their parents must have been absent for a lot of time but it would be quite hard for them to express any resentment or sadness about this because running the country and being a QC are pretty good as reasons go for not being home for tea. They may have some interesting discussions on the psychiatrists couch in later life unless they're very selfless and well-adjusted.

My dp had an interesting upbringing where he was one of 3 kids but his parents also fostered kids so there were always other priorities and needs that their parents often had to put first and not just during the time they were at school but 24 hours. Again, it almost sounds selfish to complain about it but he DID feel resentment and still does since his parents now not only spend v limited time with him but also with our dds. THey don't have a particularly strong relationship although I'm sure there are many 100s of other kids who are grateful and loving towards dp's parents. Just one more case of a not right or wrong situation. Some advantages, some disadvantages for all involved.

blackandwhitecat · 19/12/2006 19:31

I don't think it's hugely controversial to say that children benefit from having parents (preferably both) who are around a lot esp in the early years but obviously parents have to balance money, time, child-care etc and obviously there are cases where it's just not possible for both parents to be there without huge sacrifices in other areas (not just financial).

blackandwhitecat · 19/12/2006 19:33

And thank goodness there are people willing to sacrifice being there as much as they might be for their children like foster-carers (many of whom I'm sure get the balance better than dp's did) and MPs.

blackandwhitecat · 19/12/2006 19:40

Totally agree with your earlier point about women (and men) having to take a long-term view when makign decisions about child-care, work and so on and not just because of finances. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for a woman who has devoted her whole life to bringing up kids only to find they don't need her any more in the same way not jsut when they leave home but when they're teen-agers. Can't imagine there are many teenagers who would be pleased to have a SAHM although I'm sure there are exceptions. I wonder how many mums in this situation consciously or unconsciously find ways of makign themselves indispensible by almost discouraging indepndence partic in male children. E.g. the sort that does all washing, food preparation etc and never encourages her son to do these so he then either looks for a wife who will replicate this or resents his wife for not being like this. A stereotype perhaps but I'm sure this still happens fairly commonly.

blackandwhitecat · 19/12/2006 19:41

Sorry Bugsy's point I was referring to.

missmapp · 19/12/2006 19:45

my mum worked fulltime when i was a youmg child and throughout my teenage years and we had a far better relationship than many of my friends - i had my own space and didnt haave someone asking ' how was ur day' the minute i worked through the door and i valued the time we did have together so we got on well - mind u i was a b and threw me being a latchkey kid baxk at her in every row we did have! i didnt mean it tho'

blackandwhitecat · 19/12/2006 19:50

Yes Missmap but there's a difference between working full-time and being the PM in terms of your ability to spend time with your children!

missmapp · 19/12/2006 19:52

How do you know Im not Mrs T's daughter !!!

blackandwhitecat · 19/12/2006 19:56

Actually I've heard Carole Thatcher say some v negative things about her mother's parenting or lack of it. I suppose that's not exactly surprising given the kind of person she was!

drosophila · 19/12/2006 20:01

But as I said the Blairs used extended family to help so the kids may well have had stable adults in their life who had a vested interest in them. Sounds like I am a Blair cheerleader.... In the carribean it was quite common for grandparents to bring up the kids....

missmapp · 19/12/2006 20:04

Wonder what gordon will do - or Mr Cameron come to that

blackandwhitecat · 19/12/2006 20:10

Well probably only the Blair children can really judge what kind of up-bringing they've had (whether good or bad or bits of both like most of us it must certainly have been weird) but I think it's generally recognized that kids benefit from being with their parents a lot though I'm certainly not talking about 24 hours more evenings, weekends and occasional holidays as a minimum.