If you've given up work outside the home to be with the kids, are you happy with the decision?

[jeangenie]

Has anyone on here given up work to stay at home with the kids, even though it meant a financial struggle? How do you feel about the decision now?

(am considering this at the moment,trying to make myself hold back until I'm certain, but finding it hard to restrain myself this morning for some reason...)

Message was for OP, but could apply to any weary teachers too

thanks

I would like a change of direction, just not sure WHICH direction which is part of my problem

one thing I've realised over the past two days is that I am working too much, and it has to be cut down somehow. I am condidering speaking to my boss next week to discuss practical means to achieve this

I don't think I felt so torn apart when I was working 3 days a week

anyway, I'm sure you are all doing a FAB job and as long as you are happy with your choices it shouldn't matter to anyone else, or to you what anyone else thinks for that matter (easier said than done I know). I think every and each manifestation of care giving is as valid as the next once all parties to it are getting what they need from it. God, that last sentence is strange, proof I am exhausted...

I think liking your job is a big factor! I've always been in admin but was never ambitious so it wasn't a big deal to stop working (I hate the phrase 'giving up work.') My skills are easily transferrable and I practise them by running my own voluntary group and website. My social skills have also improved since becoming a SAHM as you no longer have the 'friendship by default' facility of getting to know someone sitting next to you all day.
On the moneyfront I'm with Paulaplumpbottom. The money may come from DH's employer but it is OUR money, as a SAHM I earn it as much as he does.
Jeangenie, doing a pretend trial for a couple of months is a great idea (was it Twiglett's?). You could set up his salary to go straight into the joint account and allow a pocket money allowance for each you to spend on personal things each month. The remainder is for household, kids, savings etc and your salary goes in an ISA as a totally separate bonus.

Hi SoD

am still trying to decide whether to invest in that book you recommended, must see if local waterstone's has it for a browse first

we consider all our money OURS too. there is one joint account and it all goes in (and all goes out). DH is rubbish with money so I manage it and tell him if he needs to do anything. For many years I earned way more than him but we both spent from the joint a/c so there is precedent there. He even feels he'd be "paying back" a bit for all my hard work in the past, while he was establishing himself.

I'm not sure I'd be good having to count every single penny though, for even a coffee or a swim for the kids. And that's what it was looking like when we did the sums.

Still, am feeling better about working less, if I can persaude my company. It does make my job more stressful though, as I end up doing the same work, just in fewer hours (supposedly) and for less money. Someone (was it blueshoes?) recommended thinking about a job share which is a great idea, and I may suggest that. There must be another woman out there who wants a 2-3 day a week job so she can see her kids too....

b&wcat- I like your posts, particularly your 10.27pm....why do some sahms get so virulent ? There's a lot of anger there, wonder what it's about.I do meet sahms of different backgrounds actually.Your musing made me think of two people I had seen in the past...one a young girl with a baby and two toddlers,( she was very young as I recall..about 18 or 19 ), query mental health problems, with drugs&alcohol thrown in for good measure.I really encouraged her to get back to her education,( she'd abandoned it pre-GCSEs due to her first pregnancy..),and focus on thinking about a career for herself.There were no dads,( all the kids had different dads ), on the scene and those 3 kids really needed a mum with some prospects.Eventually she got it together,( not without relentless nagging on my behalf and that of her fab CPN ), did an access to nursing course, did her nurse training.....The rest is history, as they say, she's nearly 30 now has had no more children, is in a stable relationship and works fulltime in an area of nursing that is particularly difficult. The second woman was a 'sahm by choice', along the lines of ' why have kids if you're not going to raise them ' sort..she was a mother at a group my nanny attended ,she was ' depressed ' and 4 stone overweight.She had previously been a university lecturer, a job she loved,and had one child of about 18 months who was seriously in danger of being literally and metaphorically smothered...as she knew my line of work she asked me one day what I thought she should do about her decreasing mood/self esteem and her increasing girth.I told her unhesitatingly to go back to her work.After arguing about it for a bit,( all the usual stuff about,' being there for milestones , etc got trotted out ), she did just that.She lost her 4 stone, perked up and so did her baby and dh...
Kittyxmas...but wohms DO raise their children ...there is sooo much more to parenting than presenteeism..
Rasta...What is it with these ' milestones '? I have never seen any of my 3 older children take their first steps/be first to notice a first tooth...I'll probably miss it with the twins too..does that make me a better /worse parent ? Does it hell...it means nothing really.It is just mawkish sentimentality on the parents behalf.

No I'm not Xenia, though she speaks a lot of sense...I admire her. Out there in RL there are lots of people who think in similar ways to Xenia/b&wcat/me...I'm trying to get them to come and debate on mn !

hey lockets, I think we had our DD2s around the same time (I was posting as motherpeculiar back then)

did I read correctly that you have 3 now? congratulations if so, I missed that...

you sound like you are doing ok, glad to hear

I find it interesting that it seems to please yourself to think that all SAHMs are overweight and depressed. I know loads of SAHMs including myself and it couldn't be further from the truth.

Gosh. Most of the ones I know are, I suppose, "yummy mummys'. They are all vibrant, intelligent women who have chosen to mother as a career choice. To be honest, there is no more valuable job in the world than dedicating yourself to rearing the next generation. All the women I know recognise this and are extremely proud to be doing this job, after all it IS a job and contibutes a HUGE amount to society.

But Kittyxmas it isn't a 'job' to be a mother...and to treat it as such seems strange, would these intelligent/high powered mothers have 'targets' and 'outcomes' that they were working towards ?...You would be in danger of falling into the over parenting trap I think...you know the sort of mum who goes into the classroom everyday,( and blocking up the school parking with her 4x4 so the rest of us can't get to work....but hey she's just going to the gym..), to moan about how little Johnnie isn't achieving his ' potential'....Much better here in France where parents firmly encouraged to drop kids off and go and get on with their lives ! ALL women who are mothers contribute the rearing of children to society...not just sahms ! Some,( most actually despite my experience on mn...), then go on and contribute teaching/doctoring/bus drivinng etc, the rest do what exactly ??

I'm coming a bit late to this and haven't read the whole thread, but I do agree with the point in mozhe's last post that it is all mothers (not just sahms) who are doing an important job in bringing up children. I work FT through necessity, but it's the type of job where I am at home a lot and I tear myself apart trying to be both a perfect sahm (which I would love, love, love to be properly) and to do well enough in my job to ensure I'll get another when my contract runs out in a few months. I feel like I have a foot in both 'camps' and do resent it when people put the boot into sahms, but am extremely prickly about any suggestion (and I'm not sayign that has been explicitly made on this thread) that wohms are somehow lesser mothers. I am highly educated, like my job but I hate having to go to work with a 19mo at home and am inordinately jealous of dh who gets to sah and do work on his phd when I am with ds, which is a lot as I do a lot of workin the evenings etc. (and when he feels like it).

I see so if we take an interest in our child's life more than our own we are overparenting?? When I found out I was pregnant with DD I decided right there and then to make her my priority. Not Myself, I hardly think thats overparenting.

'I find it interesting that it seems to please yourself to think that all SAHMs are overweight and depressed. I know loads of SAHMs including myself and it couldn't be further from the truth.'

Again, why on earth are you taking all this so personally and feeling so attacked? Where on this thread has anyone said that 'all SAHMs including [your]self are overweight and depressed'?? Why on earth do you imagine that this image (again, YOURS not MINE ) would 'please' me or anyone else? If you read through the thread again, you'll find that nobody is attacking you or SAHMs. What I said earlier is that there is some research which suggests that SAHMs are MORE LIKELY statistically to be obese and depressed. When you consider, as Mozhe and I have been pointing out that many (possibly the majority) of SAHMs are not the professional, intelligent women who have an already established career that they make a positive decision to leave or take time out from and can return to when and if they choose to as so often represented on Mumsnet which is not RL, but may actually be women who have never started a career, may not have any qualifications or experience working or are in a position where it is not finacially worthwhile their working then it's hardly surprising or at all controversial that SAHMs are MORE LIKELY (doesn't mean ALL of them. Doesn't mean you or your friends) to suffer from depression or obesity.

Kitty & co. I do the 'job' of parenting AS WELL AS the job of teaching (educating other people's kids while their mums and dads get on with looking after other kids or paid work or whatever - and I'd say a huge amount of teachers are WOHMS which does leave me wondering what would happen to SAHMs' kids when they went to school if all mums stayed at home). As my dds are in school and I work only school hours and only in term time my teaching doesn't affect my parenting except that I am in a position to provide a different sort of role model (not necessarily a better one just different) as a mum and as a paid worker. Actually my dd1 finishes school today at 12 so I will pick her up from school during my break and she will sit at the back of my classes playing on the computer, reading, colouring and listening to me and my students as we learn. She loves doing this and (aged 4) is already aware that she will probably be going on to a 6th form education and is already inspired by a love of learning. Just to make sure none of you touchy mumsnetters take offense to this, I am just talking about MY life and MY experience as a mum. I am not implying my life or parenting is better than anyone else's just reminding you again that there isn't this clear cut SAHMs are happy, brilliant parents while WOHMs are neglectful, selfish parents. It is possible to be a brilliant parent and a brilliant employee for both MEN and WOMEN.

And I really hate the fact that I am the only one who seems to be mentioning dads who are just as important as parents as mums. My DP is also a teacher working school hours and term-time. He is as important a figure in my dds lives as I am. We share the responsibility of raising our own kids and we share the responsibility of raising money (and other people's kids). When the kids of SAHMs are in school how is a mum or dad a better parent by being at home and not working during the hours when the kids are at school anyway?

I don't see any reason why SAHPs should feel compelled to work just because the kids are in school
It's not like there are a huge variety of term time only jobs available

I am a SAHM and fully intend to remain at home until retirement if possible.

I haven't followed the whole thread, but I wanted to add my bit. I gave up work when I had the first of my three children, it will be almost 8 years since I worked. Untill about a year ago I was very happy with the choice I made, my children where born very close together and I didn't want anyone else having such a strong influence on them. I also wanted to be there for them.

However, now that my youngest is about to be 4 I am finding it harder then ever. I have begun to have some mild depression symptoms and probably am a bit overweight. Basically I am unfullfilled.

When they were younger I didn't have time to think, but now they don't need so much of me.

So obviously it's time for change. I am about to study for a new career, one that can fit around school hours and will get me out and about and dusting off my brain. I can't wait.

It's not black and white. Like anything in life, things change and so you change with them. I am very happy to have been with my children during their early years, but now it's time to invest in me. Happy parents make for happy children.

Mozhe, you may be right that being a mother isn't a job but does involve work and effort - otherwise we could all just go out to work and leave our children to fend for themselves, but, no, you have to PAY someone a wage to look after your kiddies if you don't do it yourself, but I suppose child minders and nursery teachers and nannies aren't really working all day while they mind someone elses brats? Of course they are! (and we pay them because it is a form of WORK!)

Of course being a full time mother is a job. If it isn't treated as a job then it can't be done to its best.
It isn't a hobby you can dip in and out of or do part time.
To do it well it needs to be treated as work, and like any job you gain experience and learn.
It isn't about being a boring pushy mother at the school gates. It's about putting your all into it. Something a lot of mothers I know simply don't and the results are there to see in their children. To say that being a mother isn't job is frankly insulting to all those women who have chosen to make it so.

Going back to the pros and cons ( can't be bothered with the other arguments again)

Pros of giving up work

1. More time with children and you (but possibly not them) will benefit from that so do it for yourself not them.

1. Husband gets relieved of a lot of tasks so evenings and weekends more relaxed - you can do all family admin, cleaning, washing etc when he's at work. Assuming there is a husband. I am probably the only single mother on this thread and the assumptions a lot of parents make that all children are in two parent families with some choice to live off male income isn't always true. So weekends and evenings more free.

1. You might hate your job so get chance to give it up. Check you like being at home 12 hours a day with small children before reaching decision above though...

Cons....

1. Money - depends on your earnings and potential. I knew at 22 what I had set myself to earn by 45 (as of yesterday). It has been a massive pay off which has had lovely implications for us all from a big house, horse, the island, going skiing tomorrow, private schools, loads of opportunities for the children they wouldn't otherwise had had I given up work . If you work in Tesco and don't expect to chair the Tesco board one day then discount this one.. but I know my children despite being reasonably non materialistic find the financial benefits quite fun

1. You are better protected against death and divorce and him running off with ayounger woman etc if you keep your work going.

1. Some of us like work and don't like being at home - perhaps this is one of the most important issues. I worked at a loss for one year. I could not have stood to be at home.

kittyxmass.....I disagree with you ,being a parent is an attribute/function of the human adult,( the lucky ones anyway...) NOT a job.If you chose to treat it as one it is your choice but i think there are a lot of pitfalls to doing this....
shepherds...I have a nanny, yes it's a job, but looking after someone else's children is just that and fundamentally different to being a parent.My kids have both....the nanny was interviewed, recruited, has a contract, gets paid, takes holidays,( we get a temporary nanny then...),has appraisals and could leave/get the sack.....those things don't happen to me as a parent,( or my DH....good point b&wcat...) BUT they do happen to me as a worker....get it ?
plumpbottom....taking an interest is great, it's overdoing it and fussing about every single little thing that affects your kids that isn't....I think on the whole wohms are less likely to fall into that trap..on the whole I say. What is wrong with prioritizing self sometimes ? We've moved to France on a sabbatical primarily because a great career oportunity came up for me,yes that's right ME....The kids don't speak french but they will learn, there might be some bumpy bits but that's ok because life is a bit like that ...it builds resiliance I think. Surely juggling/compromising are the order of the day ? No one should be first all the time...
Great post b&wcat...
Blonde....That's your choice...but why term time jobs ? Do you think you are lazy ? ( that is a question btw I am not saying you are but am interested in knowing if you think that about yourself....)

Mohze, there we disagree again. Anyone who is capable of reproducing can be a parent and I've seen some shocking examples of "parenting".
To be a good parent you have to see it as the most important job you are doing whether or not you have paid work as well. Your job as a parent should be the most important one. Everything else should come second.

Mozhe, plse excuse mispellings