If you've given up work outside the home to be with the kids, are you happy with the decision?

[jeangenie]

Has anyone on here given up work to stay at home with the kids, even though it meant a financial struggle? How do you feel about the decision now?

(am considering this at the moment,trying to make myself hold back until I'm certain, but finding it hard to restrain myself this morning for some reason...)

Well put B&WC, I'm afraid the pre christmas chaos is fuzzing my brain!!

I wonder about Gordon too Missmapp. No amount of money or power can make it easy for Sarah to cope with bringing up 2 boys (1 with a serious illness) and a largely absent husband/dad. I wouldn't swap.

B&WC I think your post of 19.40 is very unfair. My own mother and the mothers of several of my friends at school were SAHMs and none of them seemed dysfunctional to me.

Just because someone devotes their own life to their children, it does not mean that they don't want to see their own children lead independent and fulfilling lives. That is what parenting is all about IMO.

Most mothers with an ounce of intelligence will know that their children will one day leave and make build their own lives - it shouldn't really come as a shock. And most mothers who are close to and emotionally connected to their children will give their children the space they need when they need it.

I have seen elderly relatives in my own family who were very traditional SAHMs and now that their children are married with their own children they know when to butt out and do not interfere or get unnecessarily involved in their children or their grandchildrens' lives. The kind of stereotype you describe is not necessarily exclusive to SAHMs.

Saadia I never said SAHMs were dysfunctional or all SAHMS discouraged independence in their children.

'Most mothers with an ounce of intelligence will know that their children will one day leave and make build their own lives - it shouldn't really come as a shock'

But it DOES come as a shock. Even parents who do paid work while their kids are growing up can find it hard when their kids leave home (my parents certainly did and their own relationship suffered). It's fairly obvious that this process is likely to be more difficult for SAHMs some of whom WILL NOT have made provision for it. That doesn't mean there aren't many SAHMS who live fulfilling and happy lives during and after their kids are at home.

In fact, I know two SAHMs whose kids are still at home with them in their 30s and have been unable to develop independent lives. One (male) actually uses a stick to knock on the floor so his mum will bring him breakfast in bed which she does daily, he doesn't know how to use a washing machine, cook etc. The other (female) has never managed to hold down a job or develop long-term relationships with men so she's still at home and as her mum gets older the mum has started to become more dependent on her daughter for company so it's unlikely the daughter will ever leave home. As her parents are very wealthy they are able and willing (it would seem) to support their daughter for the rest of herr life. Again, I'm not saying these particular co-dependent and dysfunctional relationships (which they are and there's a great deal of sadness involved in both cases) are typical of SAHMS or even exclusive to them or even simply because both these mums stayed at home (there must be other factors at work) but long-term stay at home mums are MORE LIKELY to develop dependence on their children for fulfillment, company etc and the children or SAHMS are more likely to remain dependent on their mums for all sorts of practical and emotional needs. Just as, I suppose, people who do paid work for their entire lives become dependent on this and there are many who don't know what to do with themselves when they retire or can't retire (I know people like this too).

Ironically I know 2 adults in their 30's whose parents have always worked and they dependent on their parents in just the way you describe. I think it has nothing at all to do with whether your mother worked or not but what sort of issues she has brought to her mothering

Obviously problems with parenting are not exclusive to SAHMs or WOHMs. I'm sure that's something we can all agree on. However, if you read posts from SAHMs on this thread and all over the site and in RL they will tell you how they gave up paid work to make their children their whole world or to put their children's needs first. So many of them talk about isolation, boredom, depression, feeling like they're 'going insane'. Just look at the other thread on how not to go insane if you're a SAHM. While many WOHMs also feel like their children are their first priority they still have to get up and out of the house (or not) for work so they HAVE TO have other priorities too. If so many SAHMs feel isolated etc while their kids are at home which they obviously do by their own admission then it stands to reason that they're going to feel even more so when their kids leave home or don't need them so all-consumingly any more. Just to cover my back as usual, I'm not saying that all SAHMs feel this way, or have these kinds of problems are that WOHMs don't. And obviously there are many problems that WOHMs are MORE LIKELY to have than SAHMS.

B&WC I understand your point and the logic behind it but again, I disagree. My understanding is that many SAHMs feel isolated, bored and depressed when their kids are in their pre-school years and the days are not very structured and perhaps because everyone's personality is not suited to being with children 24/7. This stage with young children is very demanding. I found it difficult but I also loved it.

But once the children are a little bit older, a bit easier to reason with and start making their own friends and having a life at school I would think it would give the mother a bit more time and space and chance to do something about any feelings of isolation and boredom that they might have.

And there is a long time between that and the age when kids leave school and leave home.

saadia I agree, if a woman has given so much to her children that she feels more bereft than is normal when they have all flown the nest then that says something about HER. I suspect that the vast majority of sahms start to reclaim something of themselves once the children are oldre, whether that is through work or other activities. To be soley focused on the children is not healthy, obviously.

'To be soley focused on the children is not healthy, obviously.'

Maybe, but read the posts (on this thread alone). That's exactly what many SAHMs say they do. Focus soley on their kids I mean regardless of the sacrifices this means they and thir families may have to make (financial, employment etc) and regardless of the problems this brings with it (boredom, isolation, feeling like they are losing sanity etc etc). These are things I am not making up but I have heard from SAHMs themselves.

Now if SAHMs think these sacrifices and problems are outweighed by the rewards of being a SAHM then that's fine. Only they are in position to know whether theire choices are the right ones but to suggest that being a SAHM is always idyllic and problem free is as ridiculous as saying the same about being a WOHM.

For me being a WOHM is the best choice but there are problems with it and when I come to retire although I won't need to worry about my pension I probably will be one of those people who finds it difficult. And while I think I have as ideal a situation as it is possible to have now for me as a WOHM it hasn't always been the case. Breast feeding dd2 all night and every evening for 13 months even though I went back to work when she was 6 months strikes me as a particularly difficult time.

My point is (sorry took me a while to get there) that although you Saadia and Kitty are happy with your choices and see them as problem free for you you can't say that every SAHM feels the same way or will feel the same way when their kids fly the nest. Neither can you be totally sure how you yourselves will feel when this time comes any more than I can.

I haven't read all the threads, Jeangenie, and I know you're looking for positive experiences to back up your gut feel on jacking in the job... but I gave up working and am HATING it. With a vengeance. And it's putting a massive strain on our relationship because I'm so miserable.

I felt financially screwed once #2 arrived - why work for £30/day net (after tax/childcare/commute, etc) after a degree and a successful 11 year career?

There's a list of sacrifices when you juggle work and small kids...financial costs (childcare, slower promotion), emotional (lack of time with the kids), the effect on your career opportunities, and physical exhaustion. So if your job isn't right, it's natural to feel it isn't worth it. And, on paper, it was absolutely the right decision.

Now I've experienced SAHM'dom I'd PAY to get back into a half interesting job. (Unfortunately am 6 months pg so am unemployable for another 5 months realistically). I can't follow my other interests because the demands of the kids don't allow it yet, which obviously adds to the frustration.

If you love being with kids and are willing to get out and meet other mums, you'll probably love being at home. (you do learn to live on a tight budget).

I guess my advice would be: make sure your motivations are correct and that you'll really enjoy spending all your time with your kids. For me, it was the fastest route to madness.

Brummie on the run- Not being allowed to follow your interests belive me is a temporary thing. I know a couple of years is a long time but I used to do a lot if fitness and had to be fit for work, howver when I was pregnant with number 1 it went out the window and then 12 months later I was pregnant with no2.

I went back to work after both children but after 6 months I took a career break. When finally one started school and then the other was at playgroup in the mornings I then really mamnged to get back into my fitness and did something that I'd always wanted to do and trained and ran the London Marathon this year.

Dont desmay Brummie your life will get back on track .

Unfortunatley the demands of having young children does mean that we have to put things on hold for a while but its not permanent.

Dont dismay even

B&WC I will find it hard when my kids go, I know that now, but I'm glad I can be so much a part of their lives. I stay with the children because I believe it to be the right thing to do. I think it would be easier for me to get out of the house everyday and work tbh. Alot of mums I know said staying at home with their kids was much harder work than going out to work. But every mother whether at work or home needs to take caare that she looks after herself too, because if she neglects herself then the family's stuffed!!

B&WC you are right, everyone reacts differently to change but I honestly think that how people handle it is more dependent on personality, upbringing and emotional intelligence and maturity rather than whether they are SAHM or WOHM.

I sort of vaguely know two people who I would describe as the kind of mothers who couldn't let go when their kids grew up and they both happened to be WOHM, but I'm sure they would hav been the same if they had been SAHMs. They have issues with control.

I am quite happy to devote my life to my kids - they are the best thing that has ever happened to me and my life's greatest blessings. Their wellbeing will always be my priority and part of that is preparing them for independence so that they can handle whatever life throws at them when I am not here.

You are right I don't know how I will react when they leave home or even when at home they start to distance themselves from their parents, but I do know that that is all very normal and part of growing up. Of course it may make me sad, or it may make me feel proud.

The thing is that people need to make informed decisions and that's why jeangenie is right to have started this thread.

Brummieontherun, babies and small children suck fullstop, doesn't matter if you're in the house with them or out in an office, they are going to cramp your style . My youngest turns 2 in Feb and I feel like the sun is coming out at last.

But I'd still rather be pottering around at a leisurely pace than rushing about trying to do everything. Our dream once the kids are at school (and someone's grandparents cark it ) is to both work part time complementary hours so we both have time to do housework, schoolruns and squeeze in the odd bit of self-improvement. Don't know if it will ever happen but the fantasy gives DH a little ray of hope too.

brummieontherun, I'm sorry to hear you feel like that about your decision. Thanks for your post. I am still mulling stuff over, the absolute mad panic to jack the job in has subsided a lot since I worked out that realistically we would have about enough money to buy a coffee each as our spending money per week. I would go insane in that situation, I know I would, and our relationship would suffer and as someone else pointed out I wouldn't have the money (or time as you so rightly say) to persue my other interests. For the moment I think I have put any major decisions on hold. I will probably try to shift back from 4 to 3 or 3.5 days a week on my job and am also planning to approach the job a bit differently - try to manage to motivate myself/manage myself differently, in the hope that if I am happier in it I'll be happier out of it also.

Tbh, some of this feeling may be coming from the fact that DD1 starts reception in January, and I am suffering in a major way from a fit of the "where has her babyhood gone" blues. I think once she is settled in reception, especially if I cut my hours back and manage to fit in at least two school runs a week, thus feeling a bit more connected to the school, I may feel differently. I do tend to suffer a bit from a kind of "premature nostalgia" when it comes to the kids, which can tend to make me a bit miserable whereas my new approach will be to accept that I need to work and manage it a bit better and take what I can from the time I do have with the kids.

Thanks for your thoughtful post. I hope that you can get back to work once DC3 comes along and that you are happier then. Enjoy (as much as you can) the rest of your pregnancy.

Oh god, I did come across as a miserable old mare! Sorry about that...guess you have up days and down days whatever you're doing! Thanks for supportive posts mummydear, stockings (did make me smile!) and jeangenie.