If you've given up work outside the home to be with the kids, are you happy with the decision?

[jeangenie]

Has anyone on here given up work to stay at home with the kids, even though it meant a financial struggle? How do you feel about the decision now?

(am considering this at the moment,trying to make myself hold back until I'm certain, but finding it hard to restrain myself this morning for some reason...)

'I would hate to be dependent on my dp financially and I think it would put a strain on our relationship. I wouldn't want to have to ask him for money for clothes or party dresses for the dds or things for the house.'

That's just a bizarre set up whatever your circumstances imo. We have one big pot - everything goes in and both of us spend from it as we wish. I don't have to ask for anything.

As others have pointed out on other threads it IS always the militant sahm brigade that get so hot under the collar.....why ?
Twiglet, I do not intend to be insulting but nothing that I 've said on this thread have I not been saying for the last 15 years in,( and out...), of my consulting room....and I've never, ever had the reactions I sometimes get here on mn...Some people take on board my advice and may act on it,( eventually.....), others don't but they don't shout ' arse' at me....>>
I'm not a GP btw...I worked in hospital psychiatry until v.recently...am now in an academic post abroad but will continue doing a small amount of clinical work...

Mozhe, I suspect you come over better in person than you do in writing, which is why you get the different responses on MN and in real life. Here you sound unutterably smug. I'm sure you're not....

It has never occured to me ever to ask my husband for something. If I want money its there. I do contribute to my family even if it isn't finacially. Love and time are worth a lot more.

OK, I must have worded my posts slightly weirdly or else some of you are deliberately missing my point. I PERSONALLY wouldn't want to be dependent financially on my dp. I wouldn't want to spend the money he has earned on things for myself or for the home or the kids or on anything else which HE DIDN'T VALUE and WOULDN'T CHOOSE to spend the money HE has earned and not ME. The party dresses for dds and clothes were EXAMPLES of the sort of thing that I (I'll repeat that I NOT YOU or ANYONE ELSE) MIGHT choose to spend money on that my dp wouldn't necessarily value or choose to spend HIS money on. Please don't get the impression that is the kind of thing I spend all my money on or would want to spend all my money on. They really were just EXAMPLES of things which came to mind that my dp definitely wouldn't spend his money on (haircuts, knickers, bedsheets, vitamins, bras and lots of other things would come under this category too). As it is I earn my own money, have my own bank account and spend my money how I damn well please.

If you are a SAHM, it makes no difference (for the purposes of my argument although I can see it could make a difference to your independence and self-esteem) whether or not you ask your dp for money as you want or need it or take it from a bank account without him even being aware it's going, the fact is that it is still HIS money that YOU are spending in ways that he may or may not be pleased with. If that's the way you run your family that's absolutely fine and dandy. It's just not the way I run mine or would want to run mine.

I think Mohze that you're absolutely right that there's quite a big difference between the kinds of SAHMs you come across on Mumsnet and in RL. Mumsnet SAHMs seem very often to be well-educated, intelligent women who have made a positive and calculated decision to be SAHMs. Often this has meant them giving up jobs (which often were demanding, rewarding and well-paid) to become SAHMs and often they are qualified and experienced enough to be able to go back to those or different jobs when and if they choose to do so. Many of the Mumsnet SAHMs say that they are reasonably comfortably off living on just one salary others find ways to get by. Apologies if this doesn't describe you I'm talking about the many Mumsnet SAHMs who describe themselves in this way. Some Mumsnetters so easily take offense and go on the attack I feel the need to repeat that I am just giving my opinion, talking generally etc etc. I imagine that many (the majority?) of SAHMs in RL are not quite so fortunate. Many SAHMs have had children early before establishing a career. Many SAHMs are SAHMs because it wouldn't be financially worthwhile them going back to work because of child-care costs, low salaries etc. Mohze probably meets a lot of SAHMs like this who are not necessarily SAHMs because they love spending time with their children etc etc but because they have no choice (apologies if this is not the case Mohze) in which case it's pretty easy to work out why she would have the viewpoint that she does.

If you are a SAHM and happy with it I don't think there are many people who would criticise you or say that you are doing the wrong thing. Just that SAHM is not for everyone.

And newsflash Paula, WOHMs also give time and love to their children. In fact there is v little that a SOHM could do that I couldn't as a WOHM in terms of parenting because I only work school hours in term-time as does dp. I do my marking when they've gone to bed. And there are many things I can provide for my kids only because I work which SOHMs may find it more difficult to provide (e.g. the example of a mum who can also have a successful career + a mum and dad who share paid work, child-care and house-work and see demonstrate these as all being important activities for both genders etc). Yes, I know SAHMs can provide positive role models as well ...

I know I'm fortunate in my hours because I'm a teacher as is dp but there are 100s of women who also work part-time to fit in with their kids. There really isn't a simple division between SOHMs being happy women who provide the best possible parenting model vs WOHMs who are unhappy, driven by selfish materialism and ambition and neglect their children although there are those from both camps who argue this is the case.

The problem as I see it is that even if people are talking about themselves and their personal decisions there is often an implied criticism of other peoples' choices. To say that you would not want to spend money that your husband has earned does, to my mind, suggest an implied criticism of those wives who would spend money that their husband has earned.

To keep saying that you believe everyone should contribute economically to society does implicitly criticise those SAHMs with school-age children.

Also, finally,

'It has never occured to me ever to ask my husband for something. If I want money its there.'

But how did the money get there? And what if it wasn't there? I'm not interested in your financial situation at all but just wanted to point out that for every woman who never has to ask for money and always has enough for what they need (lucky you!) there are many women who do have to account to their dhs for every penny and always find there's never enough. I know women like this (and women who are handed a certain amount of cash by their dh or by the social each week, women who are criticised by their dhs when they spend money on anything considered 'frivolous' etc etc) in RL but they don't seem to pop up on threads like this on Mumsnet.

'To say that you would not want to spend money that your husband has earned does, to my mind, suggest an implied criticism of those wives who would spend money that their husband has earned.'

I don't think so any more that I feel a SAHM who says she wants to spend all her time with her kids is criticising my life-style. My lifestyle obviously wouldn't be to everyone's taste and I'm sure there are many who disapprove of working mums full-stop. Do you know what, I can live with that. It doesn't stop me feeling my choices are right for me and my family and it doesn't make me resort to cheap insults. I totally understand why many women choose to stay at home esp those whose husbands earn stacks, or who have zillions of kids or who hate their jobs or whatever...and I respect them for it as long as they do a good job and are happy. It's just not for me.

'To keep saying that you believe everyone should contribute economically to society does implicitly criticise those SAHMs with school-age children.'

It's pretty much a fact that if all their kids are at school mums and dads who don't work during that time or volunteer or whatever aren't contributing to society. If I'm honest I think everyone should contribute to society yes and that's the lefty in me. I wouldn't have much respect for a man or woman without kids who didn't work or volunteer etc either unless they were sick or whatever. I don't think that's a particularly controversial view tbh. However, I do understand that school hours, uncooperative employers etc make it difficult for men and women to balance child-care with paid work and more should be done to help mums and dads with this situation. This is my opinion. I don't mind if you all don't adopt it and if you have differetn views but I don't particularly want to be attacked or insulted for it.

Speaking just for me of course, I would be rather concerned if my husband objected to 'his' money being spent on essentials like bedsheets and underwear.

I spent 15 months at home after having DS2, although DH and I have always shared our money equally I found it quite difficult to adjust to not bringing in any money ( had no qualms about spending what I needed )

When I wnet back to work and DH became a SAHD he found ot very difficult to accept that I was now the breadwinner, he now works part-time nights and feels better about his contribution.

For me being at home full time wasn't for me but may feel differently this time round as I'm loving being on MAT leave so far

I chose to stop salaried work when ds1 was born. I chose this because I didn't want anyone else caring for my children in the way I feel I as a mother should. I know a couple of people who have very young children but chose to work because they want their independence and put the children into daycare.
I do not agree with this. I think that if it is financially possible you should be there to raise the children you decided to have.

Obviously I have a really weird dp then. It's just that when he goes shopping (which is rare because he doesn't like it obviously that makes him really unusual for a man too) bras and little girls' knickers tend not to be top of his list. Also, he tends not to notice and probably wouldn't care when things like bedsheets are past their best. But as I said, these are EXAMPLES of things he wouldn't choose to spend his money on. If your dp likes spending his money on these things then that's just great.

I know quite a few mum's around where I live who have their own parents nearby who, really generously, provide free childcare for them and so working part-time seems to be a really good solution to this work/at home dilemma that i think most mothers (working or at home) are faced with. All my own (and dh's) relatives are MILES away, so working would mean paying for childcare and I worked in the Not for Profit sector before ds was born so I would literally be paying almost ALL of my income on childcare, so that someone else could see all the milestones. I do sometimes miss certain aspects of work and hope to go back one day, but for now (even though it can be a struggle on dh's income) I feel very lucky to be at home and try (even mid-tantrum) to remind myself that i am lucky to have the option.

Would he think about it? No.

But he wouldn't bat an eyelid over the money being spent.

May I just point out that the "looking after children as only a mother can" view is not one I share. I DID work when ds was small. I stopped when I had dd and started to do an OU degree.

The only things I take issue with are the idea that I am intellectually atrophied and a financial parasite.

'The only things I take issue with are the idea that I am intellectually atrophied and a financial parasite.'

Your words not mine and not my view either. In fact I'm wondering why you would use this description when nobody has even implied that you personally or any SAHM is 'intellectually atrophied' or a 'financial parasite'.

Due to the type of industry I used to work in, even when I was working I did not earn as much as dh, but when we got married we accepted that we were in a partnership and that our roles may be different but our value in the relationship was equal - so dh earns OUR money and I nurture, raise and educate our son. We both are grateful that we have each other to provide these things for our family.

you are a SAHM, it makes no difference (for the purposes of my argument although I can see it could make a difference to your independence and self-esteem) whether or not you ask your dp for money as you want or need it or take it from a bank account without him even being aware it's going, the fact is that it is still HIS money that YOU are spending in ways that he may or may not be pleased with. If that's the way you run your family that's absolutely fine and dandy. It's just not the way I run mine or would want to run mine.

His money is my money. I earn it as well. He earns it by contracting himself out to companys, I earn it by staying home and looking after our little one. Its not his money its our money. Its what having a partnership is all about. I don't see us separetly and neither does he.

Did not mean to imply that Moms who work don't love their children.

Rantaclause, as I've said I respect women's or men's decision to stay at home with young children but I do have to point out that WOHMs are just as capable of loving and nurturing their children as SAHMs as are working dads for that matter. As I've also said, with dds in school and my hours being the same as school hours there is pretty much nothing I can't provide for my kids in terms of parenting that a SAHM could. This is also the case for dp who does just as much loving and nurturing as I do and works almost same hours as me (though for more money - grrr).

Of course working mothers are just as loving and caring. I don't disagree. I hope to work when my children are school age. My mother worked while I was growing up and retired last year and she was a good Mum. Dh's mum never had a career and she was a good Mum. I think the real problem that exists is that as women we judge each others choices and make it impossible to value each other and the different lives that we lead. We are always second guessing what other women make of our choices. We do womankind a real disservice imo.

will check the tax credit thing - thanks

what do you mean about crediting pension contributions?

it's amazing how many different ways there are to doing this whole "family" lark

personally I am finding the working bit hard at the moment, it's a combination of not particularly linking/being motivated by my job and the fact that I feel I am missing out on my kids a bit. We have a fab childminder so it's not even that I feel that they are missing out on me tbh - I'm just being selfish!

anyway, again, thanks for all the thoughts and opinions. I KNOW there is no one size fits all, and I know whatever I do now isn't necessarily forever...

not particularly "liking" my job, not "linking" it

Agree, Rantaclause. Oh, it's so nice to have concensus on some things and agree to respect others' opinions. Anyway, must go and do marking. Teaching is fun. Marking isn't so at this point all you SAHMs can be smug and I can be envious .

You could give up work if that appeals, or maybe look around for a career change - something you might like a bit more and that challenges you in different ways... Best of luck to you whatever happens!