If you've given up work outside the home to be with the kids, are you happy with the decision?

[jeangenie]

Has anyone on here given up work to stay at home with the kids, even though it meant a financial struggle? How do you feel about the decision now?

(am considering this at the moment,trying to make myself hold back until I'm certain, but finding it hard to restrain myself this morning for some reason...)

"On the whole working is better for adults than not, so I would always say ' giving up ' should be a very last resort,( I always encourage my patients, even the quite ill ones to do some work...)"

really? source that research please

"You are contributing to the economic life of your community, earning money for yourself and family and providing a marvellous role model for your daughter"

you would be doing 2 out of 3 of these points if you were a SAHM

Just when I was feeling very pleasantly surprised at Xenia's well considered post (doing a list .... etc .... ) mozhe comes along and spoils it ....

I gave up work in April 2002 (DS was 2.4yrs) and have not regretted it at all ...
I do work from home now but I absolutely do it around my family ... have never missed a play/sports match/assembly and have never had to do my head in if a child is ill ... which would break my heart if I was working for someone else.

Are you for real Mozhe? Your posts are unbelievable and if I hadn't laughed out loud at them I think I would have been incredibly offended - but life is to short!

wow, thanks for all the shared experiences and advice

we sat down and made the pros and cons list last night, and looked at the sums again

lots of pros to giving up, not many cons
one major con is the money though, so am having to think a bit longer before handing in notice

Dh is worried about having very little (I mean tiny amount) spending money per week. Thinks we'll be at each others throats if we have to discuss every minute expenditure. He is a reasonable chap so I am taking his point on board and we have both agreed to mull it over a bit more.

I know what my heart wants to do and DH respects that, we just need to work out whether the enormous financial sacrifice will be manageable, or whether there is another way to cut down my hours or work closer to home or do soemthing else that'll bring in a few bob to make it all a bit easier

I don't worry about going barmy at home. I worry more about that at work tbh as I am doing a job that doesn't really interest me, just pays ok money

I have a gazillion other interests that I would love some time/energy to pursue, and I actually think I might be a better role model for the girls if I were doing that, rather than leaving before they are up in the morning and getting home at bedtime and being exhausted and irritable when I do see them

[however I do agree with the poster that said wohm are also raising their own kids, just delegating a bit more of the day to day management for practical reasons -I have huge respect for both wohm and sahm, neither choice is a bed of roses all the way]

I just need a blinding flash of inspiration on the money front now...

as a suggestion .. why don't you spend 3 - 6 months living as though you had given up work .. ie bank all your salary

2 advantages ... you can see if you can manage like that AND you'll accrue a nice nest egg that can be used as frippery money

oh and if you look at Martin Lewis' website there's an excellent budget planner that really accounts for everything .. will try to find

here .. bottom left hand under money saving tools

thanks twiglett, funnily enough had just been looking at the moneysaving site

saving the money is a good idea and well worth considering - however I feel I've already missed out on DD2 for a long time (she is almost 2) and so if I am gonna do it I'd like to do it sooner rather than later...also, think I'll be able to manage on less as a result of NOT working and therefore being more organised, it'll be hard to simulate this if I am working. I hope it's not just wishful thinking!

maybe I could try for 2 - 3 months and give up just around her 2nd bday if it works

I hate it when these threads turn into one group of mums criticising the other. It isn't helpful to tell people what to do and everyone has to do what's right for them. However, I would say that mums who 'take time' out from working to bring up young children don't always think through the long-term financial and other consequences of this. You can't just consider whether you can afford it NOW but you have to think about what provision you have and can continue to make for your pension, critical illness cover or in the event of divorce of dp being made redundant etc. You also have to think about how easy or difficult it will be to get a job again if and when you decide to do it. As a teacher while working part-time 3 days a week with 2 pre-school dds my salary barely covered the child-care but I knew I was still contributing to my salary (teachers lucky enough still to benefit from final salary scheme so even more important if youdon't have this), would still get paid if I got sick and wouldn't lose a job that I loved and would find it hard to get back into after a career break. Now dds are in school I am still pt but have changed my hours to suit school hours. I do feel that I have the best of both worlds since I love work but love being with my kids and have long holidays. Would hate to work or stay at home full-time. But that's just what's right for me and may not work for othes.

you are right B&W cat. Good points. I have been thinking about pensions etc (at the moment I don't have one, which is bad I know, but makes that issue quite clear!) we were discussing the redundancy/divorce prospects last night (that was a heartwarming conversation, but we felt it had to be had) too. We didn't really resolve anything, but I feel that at least we are trying to look at all the issues before making a decision. We reckon we are financially/emotionally screwed either way if we split up so it was hard to get more exact than that.

I do have a high level of transferable skills and live in London so I wouldn't anticipate huge problems getting another job if I needed to. Although getting the flexibility I have now might be more difficult, at the start at least.

Twiglett- research....yes it can be helpful,( maybe to people like you especially...), I will try to do lit search later for you, really am basing in on but 15+ years of clinical experience.People function better, on the whole, if they have a number of valued roles, and a clearly defined sense of self,( even more important in the mentally ill..). and purpose. Everyone,( at least on mn...or aspiring to be ),is a mother/parent, but also being a doctor/teacher/plumber helps people financially/socially/psychologically.....I always encourage people who come to see me to ask themselves ' why don't I work ?'..we go from there.Maybe you can answer it satisfactorily...I have enough money, don't think being entirely dependant on another adult as an adult myself is wrong, have plenty of interesting things to do and speak about, don't think I'm lazy....SAHMs often,( at least on mn,...actually don't know many in RL, they seem to be much rarer there....are you sure you all exist ? ), say ' yes but I'm there for my kids, I never miss nativity plays etc etc '....but these things can apply to WOHMs too...Personally I'm always there for my kids, and yes I miss the odd nativity play but I don't thnk it matters to them ....already they aspire to many different roles,( they are all 6 and under so these will change...), and experiences and I think this is due to having 2 parents busily and fully engaged with not just them but the wider world of which work is a very big adult part.
Why arse ? And why can't you believe I'm for real....plenty of people like me in RL....

Mozhe, I accept a lot of what you say and I PERSONALLY need paid work for my sense of identity, to feel valued and challenged and rewarded etc. I have seen research which suggests that more long-term SAHMs suffer from depression and obesity than WOHMs and I think many SAHMs are or should be concerned about their long-term financial security, independence and fulfilment since many SAHMs have real difficulty 'filling the gap' when their children have flown the nest (though obviously this a problem for WOHMs and dads too) and getting back into the workplace if and when they decide to do this. It's also my personal view that we all have a duty to contribute to society as a whole and while children are young staying at home with them is of course a contribution but I personally don't think there's too much contribution going on while kids are at school full-time at least during school hours unless they're involved in charitable or volunteer work or whatever) but that's my view and not everybody's. I also have a problem with staying at home being still mainly a choice or something forced upon for whatever reason women rather than men. I think childcare and paid work should be shared equally.

However, I also accept, partly because of Mumsnet, that there are many SAHMs who have made a careful and positive decision to be SAHMs and do find their roles challenging and rewarding. If they've got their finances and their futures sorted then good luck to them. In many ways I admire them and respect them for being able to do something I don't feel able to. I really believe both sets of mums shouldn't see what they do as in conflict with what other mums do. And I find the idea of criticiiang SAHMs or WOHMs quite disturbing actually when we should be working together and probably rely on each other more than we know. I have to say that insults from both 'sides' are totally unhelpful and make each other enemies therefore detracting from the real problems faced by mums e.g. more flexible working arrangements for mums and dads, better maternity conditions and childcare etc

Also, as someone pointed out earlier WOHMs can still 'be there' for their kids. I have just seen my dd's nativity play today although it did cause some stress if you've seen my post under Education. I pick dds up from school every day and take them to school. I help with homework and am probably in a better positon to be able to do this as i'm a practising teacher etc. And dp is a teacher too so shares in childcare equally. But while dds are in school I'm at work. Even if we wanted to be together we couldn't be.

Not read whole thread but I gave up my career to be at home and I wouldn't change it for the world.

However, I do have the best of both worlds in some respects because I still work freelance, from home, for my old employer. I earn a good salary for the hours I do and dh has scooted ahead at work too. Therefore, despite initial struggles we are far better off financially then we ever have been so that just isn't an issue for us.

The issues for me are that I do miss the social aspect of going out to work, I miss wearing smart suits etc (sad but true!) and I miss the self esteem aspect- I was very good at my job, everyone told me so, I was very well respected and liked etc. I get some of that through my freelance work but not the same as when I worked at the office.

However, I get some of that back by being on the PTA committee at school - again, some people hate all that and think it's a bit sad, but for me it gives the opportunity to work in a team, organising events etc and it does provide some of that lost 'team spirit' and feeling of having really achieved something.

There are downsides to my choice but they are far outweighed by the benefits - I've been at home throughout the early years of all 3 of my children and I wouldn't miss that for anything. Plus, I'm now in a position to work AND do school runs, after school activities, be there if they are sick, help in school with reading, do PTA stuff, run household errands - shopping etc. It does make for a much smoother, happier family life as a whole for us - I can't imagine having to use after school clubs and cram all my household stuff and kids stuff into tiny pockets of time even though I would be wadded .

It's just such an individual thing - different things are important to different people. For some people using after school clubs and childminders is a non-issue but it fills me, personally, with horror. Some people would hate my life - I do run round like mad trying to do 101 things but all in all, I am happy with my life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Why does it have to be paid work that provides that clearly defined sense of self and purpose? Since when has one's self worth been financially based? I do worthwhile things. As me, not as my children's mother. They contribute to my mental wellbeing, just as my job used to. In fact, I feel fortunate that I'm able to pursue these interests, because when I worked AND looked after my son, I didn't have time to do so.

jeangenie, I would try harder to get your employer to agree to a 2-day week (jobshare?) or look for alternative employment with more flexible hours.

Apart from the badly-needed income it brings in, it also allows you to keep your skills up-to-date and a toe-hold in the industry. I know you said you have transferable skills in London but ... those skills erode probably far quicker than you expect. If you are going to have the best chance of getting that work arrangement with the hours you want, you have to do it whilst you are most in demand, not after 3 years with a hole in your CV and somewhat obsolete work experience.

This will also take some of the financial pressure off your dh, which will help the balance in the relationship.

jeangenie, you mentioned about the earliest years of your dcs slipping through your fingers. I know that people put a lot of store in the first 5 years of a child's life, but I personally think your children need you at every stage of their lives. My oldest is only 3 so I can't comment from experience, but some parents report that their children need them more as they got older. In certain ways, young children are easier to satisfy because so long as their day-to-day needs are met, they are quite happy whether it is mummy, daddy, grandparents, childminder, nursery carer, etc looking after them. but it is when children are older and they have trickier emotional issues (bullying, feeling a failure, exam stress) that only mummy will do.

So try not to see it as needing to be there for your children's early years. See it as a longer haul issue, both on the spending time with your children front as well as the work front. And ideally choose an arrangement that is sustainable longer term, even with retirement in mind if possible.

Mozhe you're generally insulting and obnoxiously demeaning in your posts which is why I said arse

can't be bothered communicating with you any more tbh .. its the same old same ol'

I am just eternally glad I don't have to deal with you as a GP

Twig - I was going to respond to the ridiculous sweeping generalisatons about SAHMs, but then I just couldn't be bothered.

Get the wine open (red for me, please)

'Why does it have to be paid work that provides that clearly defined sense of self and purpose?'
I don't think it does although for many people it helps. I personally feel that I need paid work for a sense of self and purpose but I have a job I enjoy and it isn't the money that gives me the purpose and rewards I need. It really is horses for courses. I think I may have felt differently about taking more time off work if I'd had a bigger network of friends with children, more family support and stuff to do with the kids when they were younger and also I couldn't drive then. But I would never have taken more than a year or 2 but that' my personal decision it doesn't mean anyone else's choices are wrong.

'Since when has one's self worth been financially based?'
Absolutely not. But again I like many others but not everyone feel that I need to make my own money. I would hate to be dependent on my dp financially and I think it would put a strain on our relationship. I wouldn't want to have to ask him for money for clothes or party dresses for the dds or things for the house. I would also be concerned about my future security and retirement. As it is I work pt and I sometimes think that maybe dp and i should have an arrangement where we're both pt to a limited extent but then as he's a teacher he only works till 3 pm anyway.

jeangenie: I think it's worth remembering that there is generally no once-and-for-all-time solution to this. Some good friends of ours have, at various stages, tried just about everything: mother at home; both parents working full-time and full-on with nanny providing childcare; mother back at work part-time; mother working full-time and full-on whilst the father stayed at home. They've changed their approach not because it didn't work, but over time their needs and the needs of their children have changed. So your best solution for you and your children for now may be to have a stretch as an SAHM. But that doesn't preclude you at a later date from working part-time, full-time but in a tempered way or full-time and full-on. Or at different stages of your and your children's lives, all of them.

"I wouldn't want to have to ask him for money for clothes or party dresses for the dds or things for the house."

My husband doesn't slip me the odd tenner and tell me to "buy something pretty" FFS.

We have a JOINT account, which we have equal access to. I NEVER ask for money.

Actually, my post was in response to mozhe, but now you have pissed me off.

Oops. Sorry. Big over reaction.
Up all night...

It WAS a big overreaction Becky. I was quite clearly talking about what I feel want and MY situation. I was saying I wouldn't want to ask or take money from my dp for things he wouldn't choose to spend money on. And asking him for a tenner or having a joint account FOR ME would still amount to my taking money he has earned for things that he wouldn't necessarily want me to buy. I wouldn't want that. How you or anyone else chooses to live, look after kids, work or manage their finances is up to them. I am not criticising. I am just explaining how I live and I have said people have to choose their own way that works for them. Agree with you Issymum, there's definitely not 1 size fits all and there are few people who feel they've got a perfect balance.