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Original poster

If you've given up work outside the home to be with the kids, are you happy with the decision?

442 replies

jeangenie · 13/12/2006 10:55

Has anyone on here given up work to stay at home with the kids, even though it meant a financial struggle? How do you feel about the decision now?

(am considering this at the moment,trying to make myself hold back until I'm certain, but finding it hard to restrain myself this morning for some reason...)

OP posts:
beckybrastraps · 13/12/2006 16:03

I have never, ever had any problems with the "dependence" thing.

We have always pooled our resources, pretty much from the start of our relationship.

I have always brought less money in, so that is probably something to do with it, and dh supported me finishing my PhD when my studentship ran out, so there is a precedent.

Of course, we did briefly live off my earnings when dh was a SAHD, but fortunately not for very long. Financially, we couldn't have maintained that.

paulaplumpbottom · 13/12/2006 16:13

I always feel like his money is my money so I have never felt weird about the dependancy thing. My job is just as important as his and he sees it as such.

busybusymum · 13/12/2006 16:15

I gave up going out to work when my first DD was born 12 years ago and never regretted it, except for the financial side of life but having said that we dont go without much!

imdreamingofawhiteKITTYmas · 13/12/2006 16:17

I look at being a SAHM as my job just now. I gave up a good career after DD1 was born as I just couldn't leave her with anyone else and when DD2 came along it's not really an option as we have no family closeby and DP works 6.30am until 7pm anyway (including the commute). We moved to the other end of the country in order to afford a decent house (we got completely screwed over that and it's meant we are in a mess financially) also my previous job is highly specialised and I won't find a job anything like it up here so I don't know what I will do going forward.

I really don't regret a minute of it all though I love being with the DDs, we have a good social life and I love being there for all the firsts too. The way I look at it is like this, when I'm 60 will I regret not taking 5 years out when they are really small or will I regret not working more?

trying2bgood · 13/12/2006 16:34

Weirdly, I was thinking about this today. I gave up work and am on the whole happy with my decision although there are days when things are awful, you have not spoken to anyone and your brain has gone to mush that you wish it was otherwise! Financially we are neither better or worse off as with two children my salary would be equal to childcare after tax.

Probably the most annoying thing about being at home is the attitude of others, we had to fill out a form for a remortgage and the bank insisted on putting me down as unemployed, I have come across this several times and I find it pretty insulting as most days I am exhausted from all that I have to do!

beckybrastraps · 13/12/2006 16:37

Unemployed? For our mortgage I had to be a 'homemaker'. Not even housewife/husband.

Of course, I still prefer Xenia's suggestion...

paulaplumpbottom · 13/12/2006 16:40

I know what you mean Trying2beGood. Why does everyone think I have so much free time on my hands. I also hate it when you are at a party and when they ask you what you do they go silent at the answer like you don't have a life.

trying2bgood · 13/12/2006 16:43

paula - been there

beck - I think I prefer homemaker to unemployed at least it suggests I do something!

DonnerDasherDancerDior · 13/12/2006 16:45

I have never regretted giving up work. However, I am lucky to have enough money to afford treats out with ds (and alone!), so I don't have to be on a budget really. I can imagine it would be less enjoyable if I had to tighten my belt.

paulaplumpbottom · 13/12/2006 16:47

lol, I had someone the other day say "Really!!! but your not at all frumpy" like because I'm a mommy I should go around in bad clothes with Cheerios in my Hair.

emmatomtwinklinglights · 13/12/2006 16:51

Giving up work was sort of forced on me due to ill-health when I had my babies.

I'm lucky enough not to have financial worries so I adore being at home.

A lot of women say they are concerned about giving up their identity if they stop work. I've never found that. I have enough self esteem not to have to introduce/judge myself on the type of job I do/did.

I've also heard that they are concerned about being bored or needing to make their brains work. Dear me!! If work is the only thing that stops you being bored or using your brain then there's something lacking in your life I reckon!

3sEnough · 13/12/2006 16:54

Money's tight and it's sometimes frustrating being the Mummy ALL the time but definately worth every penniless moment! I gave up 6 1/2 years ago now before ds was born, one ds and 2 dd's later and I have enjoyed knowing them more each day, knowing exactly what they have done, felt, eaten each day and I am really looking forward to going back to work when dd2 goes to school....a good job done in my opinion (well - as good as I could anyway!) I don't know how Mums manage to do paid work too - I take my hat off to them!

iota · 13/12/2006 17:02

I gave up when the kids were 4 and 2 and it's been great so far - but financially we're fine and I do have a small income of my own.

They are 7 and 5 now and I'm sort of toying with the idea of paid work again, now ds2 is in Reception.

amicissima · 13/12/2006 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 13/12/2006 18:29

gave up working when DS was 17 months old (went back full time when he was 6 months old)

am DELIGHTED with my life (despite the financial constraints) as are both my children (had DD after)

that was June 2002 btw

ProfYaffle · 13/12/2006 18:35

I went back to work when dd was 7 months old and hated it. I went back to a new job and wasn't enjoying it, we could afford for me to give up work so it was an easy decision. I finally gave up when she was a year old and have been a SAHM for 18 months now and am very happy.

Being at home isn't perfect, it can be a boring and isolated on occasion but, for me, it's closer to the perfect than working ever was.

belgo · 13/12/2006 18:46

I've been under pressure from my dh's family to return to work ever since my first baby was just 3 months old. (I didn't have my original job to return to as my contract had run out when I was pregnant and they told me apply again after I'd had the baby).

My instinct was to stay at home, but under pressure to do something more 'worthwhile' then being a SAHM, I started studying. Not just any old course, but a vocational course in dutch (I live in Belgium). Even though I'm more or less fluent in dutch, it was an incredible amount of hard work, and since I've had my second baby, I've dropped out of the course. It just didn't fit with my dh's long hours and stressful job, and my children were not happy in full time childcare when I was on placements.

So I am now officially a SAHM (I don't know if the voluntary work I do counts?) and so far homelife has been far more relaxed for everyone.

As for financial restraints, we're not that 'well off', but I've found, so far at least, that children don't cost much. I just don't spend much money on things other then neccessities, and am excellent at getting the best bargain.

I'm also learning to ignore my dh's family who really believe that I sit at home all day watching TV (if only )

Pruni · 13/12/2006 19:04

Message withdrawn

Pruni · 13/12/2006 19:04

Message withdrawn

paulaplumpbottom · 13/12/2006 19:12

Belgo why did Dh'd parents want you to work? Am curious as My MIL disapproved as well.

foxinsocks · 13/12/2006 19:18

I'm annoyed I gave up work but at the time, it was the only decision I could have made. I was very resentful because I felt that I was the one making a compromise and dh made none at all. It actually took me quite a long time to get over that resentment (between dh and I) but I've never regretted the time I've spent with the children.

ImMcDreamyingofawhitexmas · 13/12/2006 19:23

I found it really hard to start with but I did get married, get pregnant have a baby and give up work all within a year. I do remember feeling quite bitter towards DH going out every day furthering his career while leaving me at home with a new born but I feel very differently now. I have accepted my role as a mum and another baby later I am really enjoying but it's taken a while to get here.

belgo · 13/12/2006 19:28

paulaplumpbottom - My dh's family expect me to work because in Belgium where I live, it is very common for mothers to go back to work full time after 15 weeks maternity leave. My SIL went back to work after just 7 weeks. They don't consider being a SAHM 'work', they seem to think I am taking advantage of my dh. Never mind the fact that I've moved countries for him and learnt a new language for him!

TwoIfBySanta · 13/12/2006 20:07

sorry to hear that Belgo. I thought our EU cousins were more in tune than that.

I know my Danish friend had 6 months paid maternity leave followed by 6 months paid paternity leave for her dh! Something to do with the government thinking the first 12 months are important for parental involvement.

Am wishing I could move to Denmark!

mozhe · 13/12/2006 20:42

Although you are struggling I would advise you against giving up work....can you get support from other working mums ? Like picking their brains for better ways to manage, getting their practical support etc. Sit down with your dp and try to work out how to balance your lives a bit better....On the whole working is better for adults than not, so I would always say ' giving up ' should be a very last resort,( I always encourage my patients, even the quite ill ones to do some work...).You are contributing to the economic life of your community, earning money for yourself and family and providing a marvellous role model for your daughter. I used to belong to a 'working parents alliance ' group in my early days as a wohm, it was very supportive...I used to 'live ' from one group to another in sticky periods. Personally I have never considered giving up work, it's a very big part of who I am.....oh and btw you will still be ' bringing your children up yourself ' even if you work fulltime+...It makes my blood boil when smug sahms say that.There is a lot more to successful parenting than presenteeism....Your cuop is already half full JG, carry on.

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