If you've given up work outside the home to be with the kids, are you happy with the decision?

[jeangenie]

Has anyone on here given up work to stay at home with the kids, even though it meant a financial struggle? How do you feel about the decision now?

(am considering this at the moment,trying to make myself hold back until I'm certain, but finding it hard to restrain myself this morning for some reason...)

But kittyxmas.....being a parent IS important to me but so is being a doctor..one is a job/career the other is something about myself....both are things i could be good or bad at....sometimes I think I've been a bad doctor, other times I have been a bad parent,( I once left the twins out in the pouring rain...I just forgot them,they were 6 weeks old and in their buggy WITHOUT the rainshield on..I went to have a nap....I FELT like a bad parent )..but most of the time I think I am ok at both, occasionally brilliant...again at both..Again i think 'good enough' is what is needed ? Sometimes 'doctoring' mozhe comes first, sometimes 'mummy' mozhe....I could go on..

I understand what you are saying. I am sure you are a good parent mozhe. Personally I have chosen to put aside that sort of me time until the children are much older and for me Mummy Kitty is always first. The time for me will come later.

JG I haven't read through all of this but can imagine some of the things that have been said I just wanted to share my experiences with you as in the past 2 years i have pretty much done all of the various options...

I worked full time and was earning a fair amount (esp considering I'm a teacher!) until having twins at the age of 33, 3 yrs ago. I took 6 months maternity leave and went back p/t (0.6) but retained my management resp, which is quite unusual in schools. I didn't enjoy working p/t as I had to job-share the management side and it wasn't working for me. I was then offered a promotion with a very attractive package, which I accepted and returned to f/t, appointed a lovely nanny who the DTs adore. Circs then changed and the promotion I'd been offered no longer existed...I was then off for 6 months on full pay, which was nice, money, time with my girls and a nanny - lovely! I couldn't face what I'd got myself into so resigned and have been SAHM with no income since sept...but I'm going to do 0.6 again from Jan (no sharing my resp this time!!) which I am really looking forward to as I miss the money - it is that simple really. F/t wasn't for me, but it is right for others, SAHM isn't for me, but it is right for others, p/t having enough money for life's little luxuries (which used to be considered essentials!) and time with my kids too - perfect for me, but not necessarily for others. Also its right because the DTs are 3 now so nursery costs less & they will get alot out of it. I'm lucky because DH is a teacher too so we get loads of time with the DCs and each other. I think that helps. You have to do what's right for you. Good luck

Is being a dad a job? Why? Why not? And again, I'm still dying to know what SAHMs do while their kids are in school which makes them better parents than WOHMs.

Glassofwine, your post perfectly illustrates my point. Being a SAHM in a great choice for some women with young children but even if you want it to be for a few years rather than a life-time and you want and are able to get back into a job you enjoy, it always has long-term consequences some of which many women can overcome, some of which many women can't e.g. losing confidence in your ability to do a paid job, losing skills and knowledge about your paid work, loss of earnings, loss of contributions to pension, possibly social isolation etc etc. And by the way good luck to you Glassofwine - I hope you find the job you want.

What do you think SAHMs do all day blackandwhitecat? Just out of interest.

I'm sure there's as many answers to that as there are SAHMS and to be honest I'm not particularly interested. My point is just that I can't really see how there's anything any parent can do AT HOME in the time that their child is AT SCHOOL which can really be called parenting (what with their kids being looked after somewhere else by other people).

Oh, if you're not interested that's fine. It's just that in your previous post you said you were dying to know.

I think what I said (certainly what I meant to say was) that I am dying to know what a parent can do AT HOME while their child is AT SCHOOL that makes them a BETTER PARENT. And yes, I'd still like to be enlightened.

B&WC, why are you always going on about the importance of paid work? I don't need to be defined by having a paid job. I am defined by my job as you are. Yopu know that there are many was to make a contibution.

It is my own opinion that mothers who work cannot give of themselves in the way that sahms can. Teaching is an especially difficult job to manage with children. As you know it involves far more than just contact hours. Many hours need to be spent at home marking, preparing etc. I certainly don't think I could do both of those things to the standard I would need to do them at.

Can't face wading through this thread as I am sure it will be all the same old arguements all over again.

I gave up work nearly 7 years ago when DD was tiny. I don't think it was the right decision for me. I think with the benefit of hindsight, I would have enjoyed the whole parenting thing much better if I had found something part time. We have been lucky in that financially I was able to give up with out being completely broke, but I don't think I am particularly well suited to being at home full time.

well, must say I'm with B&Wcat on this. IMO being a SAHM of pre-school children is very hard work but once they're all at school (and outside of the holidays) it seems rather lazy not to do anything OTH beit study/voluntary work/helping at the school regularly/paid work. From my position of mad juggling of 2 kids (1 still a baby)/school run/demanding job it seems positively indulgent to be at home 100% when they're all at school, sorry but that's my honest opinion!

nothing wrong with a bit of self-indulgence RTTH

oh I'm just jealous (and bitter and twisted), iota!

'B&WC, why are you always going on about the importance of paid work?'

Erm, paid work is what makes the world go round. It is quite important!

'I don't need to be defined by having a paid job. I am defined by my job as you are.'

Great. Fine. I'm happy for you. It's not for me that's all. I am not and have not ctiticised SAHMs. I have said this is fine as long as they're happy. It is my opinion that SAHMs whose kids are at school are not making a particularly signficant contribution to society and I think that everyone should but if that's not your opinion that's fine.

'Yopu know that there are many was to make a contibution.'

Yes absolutely but WOHMs are still making the contribution of raising children AS WELL AS paid work (in my case educating other people's children).

'It is my own opinion that mothers who work cannot give of themselves in the way that sahms can.'

If both parents work long-hours when thier children are pre-school that may well be true. But I still fail to see how being a SAHM while the kids are at school benefits the kids during those hour.

'Teaching is an especially difficult job to manage with children. As you know it involves far more than just contact hours. Many hours need to be spent at home marking, preparing etc. I certainly don't think I could do both of those things to the standard I would need to do them at.'

You're treading on very dangerous ground here since a very high percentage of teachers are WOHMs (since about 70% of teachers are women it wouldn't surprise me if nearly 50% of all teachers were WOHMs). And would anyone ever dream of saying that a male teacher or a dad in any job for that matter can't do their job properly because they have kids? I do my marking after the kids are in bed after 7 pm and I work through my lunch hours and free periods as does dp. I certainly could put more time into my job if I didn't have kids (as could my dp who is a man and a dad and a teacher) but I wouldn't want and don't think any teacher should let their job take over their life and leisure time.

Oh, and I actually think being a parent has made me a better teacher in many ways and vice versa and there are many jobs (and not just the obvious ones like nursing, child-care etc) where parenting develops skills which can be used in paid work and vice versa.

No, blackandwhitecat. Believe it or not, the world would continue to go round regardless of whether or not you collected your salary every month or not!

That just about sums up the difference between the two sides of this debate, IMO.

I actually meant paid work is what makes the world go around whoever does it so yes, it's important.

Of course, the world would still go on if I gave up my job tomorrow but what if every WOHM gave up their job. I think it would come to a standstill. The majority of mums now do actually do paid work.

blackandwhitecat - you are critising SAHMs by saying that by not working after their children reach school age they are not contributing to society

What about childless people who don't work? Or people who have taken early retirement?

Voluntary work goes a very long way to make the world go round.

Paid work is not the be all and end all. Depends what is important to you .

I've been a SAHM for over three years now but druing that time have done alot of voluntary work. That voluntray work has put me in good stead for returnning to the workplace now that both my children are at school.

finding a suitable job that fits in around school hours and holidays is the tricky part. Not all of us can be teachers.

If a SAHM doesn't want to work then thats fine as long as her DH /Dp can support her. Many SAHM have alreasdy contributed to society by working perhaps a number of years before having children.

Human society has long been split between those who believe that money makes the world go round and those who don't. No surprise to find the same schism here on MN. I'm glad I know which side I'm on.

Well I have been a WOHM for 4 yrs and a SAHM for 3, so I feel qualified to make and informed comment on this thread:

The most important way that being a SAHM has benefited my family is by giving all of us more leisure time in the evening and weekends ( and me some free time in the day).

Time is a very valuable commodity - more important than more money in this household (and we don't quite run to a private island, but I don't miss what I've never had)

B&WC there is a very good book I read recently called 'home by choice'. It put forward a very convincing and strong argument for the need to continue to be at home for your children even though they were at school.

I think that if you have a salaried job then alot of your emotonal and mental 'disc space' is already taken up by the time the childen get to have some.
By keeping my head clear for my children I can concentrate better on them.

I do agree that many professions feed into others. I have found my experiences as a teacher very useful when it comes to parenting and particularly crowd control!!

I too have been both and I know which one I prefer. like Iota being a SAHM gave us time to be a family. No juggling of hours , pressure of work on both parents , who is going to take a day off because one of the children is ill and cannot go to day care .

Financially at times it hs been a bit of a struggle but we've managed .

This is a debate that will never be won.

'Human society has long been split between those who believe that money makes the world go round and those who don't. No surprise to find the same schism here on MN. I'm glad I know which side I'm on.'

I don't think anyone has raised this issue. I certainly haven't. I am not talking about FINANCIAL contributions to society. I am talking about contributing to the running of society ie by working in shops, working as doctors, nurses, teachers, cleaners, bin men, policemen whatever as well as paying taxes. Do you think I'm a teacher for the money???? Just think of all the people you rely on every day of your life: binmen, teachers etc etc and all the people you have relied on: doctors, midwifes, lollipop ladies. Where do you think these people come from? How many do you think are WOHMs and dads? What would happen if they all just stopped to stay at home with their children or without them if they're at school?

'blackandwhitecat - you are critising SAHMs by saying that by not working after their children reach school age they are not contributing to society'

Well, there may be many valid reasons why they are not working i.e they can't get jobs that work around school hours and term-tinmes and they live in an area with no after-school provision or choose not to use or whatever but it is a fact that they are not contributing to society in any way that WOHMs and dads are doing AS WELL as doing paid work.

'What about childless people who don't work?'
I thought these were called the unemployed. And again, there may be many reasons why they are unemployed and no, I'm actually not critisiing them but they are not making a contribution to society.

'Or people who have taken early retirement?'
Maybe they have contributed to society but in their retirement they are not doing that. I'm not criticising. It's just a fact.

These people may be contributing to their families, they may be wonderful people but they may be great friends but they are not contributing to society in the way I personally feel we all should (this may not be your opinion and it doesn't have to be)

By the way I have said earlier that obviously if you are a SAHM or an unemployed person who does volunteer work or whatever then it is pretty obvious that is a contribution.

And again, it's worth pointing out that lots of SAHMs aren't that by choice. And a lot openly admit as on this thread that they are SAHMs because they don't like work or they just like being at home.

And it's worth pointing out that being a stay at home mum for the purposes of being a good parent as opposed to shopping and cooking from scratch and doing the laundry every Monday in a wash tub and feeding 5+ children is a relatively recent and a primarily middle-class phenomenon.

B&WC, so you don't think by concentrating solely on brinnging up your children in the belief tht you can have a better quality of life and be a better parent, therefore providing society with more rounded, useful and responsible members that you are not contributing as well as those who work?
That is crazy.

If I believe that by staying at home I am prodcing a better standard of child than if I worked I consider that to be of the utmost importance to our society.