I'm too stressed to see sense - help! I seem to have accidentally adopted next door's child...and she isn't just *any* child either...

[Fastasleep]

I'm so stressed my head's hurting, lots, so this will make no sense... I think I'm in one of those situations where there's a simple answer but I'm too close to the problem to see...

Anyway, it all started one evening a few months back when I let the ten year old girl from next door come and splash in our big paddling pool... Ever since then she's taken it upon herself to arrive on our doorstep every night after school wondering if she could come and play...

At first I thought, great! Another kid for my DS (2.5) to play with... but then she started being weird .. when I'm not in the room (and she thinks I can't see) she will throw things at Theo, hit him, chuck things off my kitchen worktops and overturn tables and bookshelves and blame Theo... she has a habit of pinching my nine month old and making her cry, so I can't put her down... she also demands food incessantly, goes upstairs and puts my clothes on etc... I've told her not to but it doesn't work, I've stopped her pinching and hitting my babies at least though. (At least I think I have?!)

I want to get rid of her really tbh, she's doing my head in... at first I thought there must be something a bit wrong at home, you know, for her to be acting up like this, and I wanted to give her somewhere nice to go... but but she's stalking us!!!!

It's the summer holiday now and she turns up at 7am wanting to come in and if I let her she will stay... well she would stay all night! If I don't let her in and tell her not to come round she'll stand outside knocking and ringing the bell for up to an hour, and then she runs home and phones me all day, even if I don't ever pick up. (I was usually out all day, but have been potty training which has given her a perfect way in..)

I don't know her parents very well, in fact have never spoken to her mum. But her dad likes DH and I don't want to upset things, I've had neighbour probs before (childhood) and don't want to go there again...

Her parents have started going out early in the morning, leaving her on my doorstep without asking, and not returning till 7pm, and she has no key or anything...

How on earth am I going to get rid of her I am so stressed I feel ill I've got two under three and a deliquent ... but at the same time I can't upset her family, it would be hell.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

(hello, I'm FA - the saga lady... remember me? lol)

I would tell her in no uncertain terms NOT to come to your house UNLESS invited. And I would tell her parents that you can't look after her and won't. And then I'd stop letting her in. And if it carried on, well, I don't know, I'd be so firm it wouldn't tbh.

as a teacher o f 9/10 year olds, i'd be looking to inform social services if any chld at my school was being left for that length of time without a responsible adult, food, shelter etc etc.

she may seem big compared to your little ones, but she's still a baby herself. sounds like a case of neglect to me.

OMG dont realy have any advice but had to post to say im thinking of you!!! You cant stand for it any longer - she is not your child and not your responsibilty. How did she get your home number? She sounds like a spoilt brat that is sed to getting her own way so you need to put your foot down!!!

You need to break the habit that has been formed. Seeing as she doesn't understand 'no, you can't come in' then I suggest planning a couple of days out so you are not there to listen to the door bell or phone.

You may have to speak to the parents about it though, they might not realise there is a problem. Maybe you could make up some excuse, no idea what the excuse can be as I haven't thought that far ahead yet!

I got caught up with looking after someones child from DD's school. At first it was just dropping her off after school, then it went to looking after her until 4-5pm. When it reached looking after her until 7pm and feeding them dinner (after I had been at work all day myself) I finally told the parent it wasn't on and I wasn't prepared to do it anymore. The mum didn't speak to me for months! But at least I wasn't left looking after someone elses child.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

She asks for milk in a babies bottle and really worrying things like that - I found her in my baby's cot once...

I don't know if it's a social services worthy thing... I mean they just knew I would look after her.. but at the same time I haven't even said a sentence to her mother?!?!!!!!!

I want to be firm I do but I don't want to upset her...I don't want to hurt her, she's fragile under all this stuff I can see it

Argh, we are usually out, she's .. started just coming out with us

If her parents are basically leaving her on her own all day, shouldn't ss be informed? Why don't you have a word with her mum first, point out nicely that you have two small children of your own to look after and could they discourage her from calling around? Maybe you need to start arranging to go out for the whole day a few times.....

I would definately say something. Could your dh speak to her dad? You have to think about your own kids.

I also agree with noonar. Of it continues then a phone call to social work might be required.

Good luck, Thinking of you.

If the mother has never spoken to you why does she "assume" you will look after her dd??

how can she be a 'spoilt brat' if she's left all day long on someone's doorstep without shelter, or company!!??? there's a reason why she's behaving like this fgs! why not ask your hv for advice...as i said already- this sounds like neglect and you may need to be the whistle blower. not a nice task, but someone has to do it as she is potentially at risk.

You have to say no. If you can't tell her outright that she isn't to come round uninvited then next tim she turns up on the doorstep say, "Sorry, I'm busy today and the children can't play, bye-bye" and close the door before she gets inside. If she rings again, repeat ad nauseam until she gives up and goes away.

I also think you need to tell her parents that you can't take her from 7am - you have things to do. They are seriously taking the piss, and if you don't stop it now it will never stop. Start one day at a time ... "Sorry, you'll have to find someone else to have x tomorrow, I'm going to be out all day. It's not really convenient to have her all the time and if I'm not here she'll be on her own, so if you want to leave her again do you think you could ask me?" Smile sweetly. Then when they ask, say no. Practice it - get used to saying "no" before you have to say it to them.

And if they still leave her on your doorstep at 7am without letting you know she's going to be there, you have to call Social Services or the Police - you can't take responsibility for someone else's child all the time.

Urgh... why is there never an easy asnwer to anything...

lets just move house!

I know your heart is in the right place and you want to help her but how much longer can it go on??

Oh my God. I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that you did see her doing nasty things to your child and she is not to come around again. You don't want her playing with your children and you will speak to her parents if she carries on coming round.

Go for it - be really really firm - you mustn't stand for someone coming into your house and treating it like this.

We've not quite got this situation but I've got 2 girls from over the road who call on ds1 to play out every afternoon and all day at the weekends at the moment. I'm really really strict with them - the slightest trouble and I tell them to go and not come back for the rest of the day. They're not allowed inside - I don't think I should have other people's children inside my house without first arranging it with their parents - and as their Mum is completely bonkers this is never going to happen. I'll give them ice pops and drinks when ds's get them, but that's about it.

Good luck - but it sounds like you're going to have to be really firm and clear about her not coming around again.

I feel really nervous about talking to her parents.. as I never have before, it all just feels so wrong

maybe I will mention it to my HV - my HV is fab (possibly the only fab HV in the world eh!)

poor girl- sounds like she is desperate to be mothered. i wonder what kind of parenting she's had/ missed out on..the baby bottle scenario sounds very disturbed to me. as i've said, i work with this age group and would be very concerned by this behaviour. please alert someone to this- now. she has a long summer holiday ahead of her and needs someone to look out for her.

Can you have a contagious disease for a couple of weeks, or quarantine or something? It would buy you a little time and space at the least. I feel for you so much, you really don't need this, and she must absolutely not be allowed to upset or hurt your children. I think she really needs help.

oh that's not fair of them.

You have to put your foot down - especially as she's not even close in age to your children. If you don't want to tell them the truth (that you think they're being unreasonable and that you have enough on your plate with two such young children for crying out loud), then say it's because your ds always plays up when she's around - he shows off and it gets so extreme that you can't cope - something like that? (you could say you're ill, but then of course they might keep asking if you're better)

We've had the quarantine... that didn't help... she let herself in while I had flu ugh.. I don't want to put their parents in a difficult position if they've done nothing wrong...

ARGH... maybe I'll call my hv tomorrow...

C'mon Fastasleep, she is only 10 years old! you can tell her and maybe you do her a favour, perhaps her parents will spend more time with her is she is not allowed to be dumped on you.

I have to say that while reading your op I was thinking "FGS you can say no!" but after reading she is left at your doorstep with parents not returning for her until night.... well, time for a very serious conversation with her mum (or let friendly husbands to speak about it), or... ring social services.

Hi Oh dear!!! Can you tell her mother that you wont be around for the next few days ( can you go away to mums etc) just to break the cycle, Then mum might have other pland for her or she might find something else to do. I would consider social services though, even if just for advice.

If I didn't know you had posted before I'd think this was a wind up.
Personally I have to say - take yourself upstairs and have a serious word with yourself, then with your husband and then with your neighbours. This can't go on. Do whatever you have to do but make it stop. She may be fragile but gher parents aren't and she needs proper help, her parents help and maybe her parents tgemselves need help but you do not need to be a part of it. Seriously fastasleep, take control and have a word. Bollocks to slightly upsetting your neighbours - come on - this child is hurting your kids, stressing you out, making your home not your home. Do something. Go and discusss this with your DH, decide what you'll say, arrange a babysitter for your kids then go round there and talk to the parents, asap.

Social services hun.

they will think this is a need to investigate situation and will at least let the parents kno that it is unacceptable to leave her lall day.

he behaviour you have described is very worrying. it is regressional. it would indicate to me (not a psychiatrist BTW..X SW actually lol) that she longs to be cared for the way your chidlren are. she acts like them becasue she wants to BE one of them. she is also jealous which would explain the original spitefullness towards them.

If you dont feel its possbile to speak to the parents...even just afreindly chat. maybe you could accidentaly bump into them and say "ooh hav you met my new daughter XX lol" as if your just joking and bring it up that way. dont make a big deal of it, just mention that she is over at yours alot....and "hey i'll have to send mine iver to you next week haha" so that they understand that whilst you dont begrudge her playing with your kids the favour is just that, a favour and shouldn't be relied upon.

If not then please do call SS or at least speak to your HV about it...maybe invite your HV around one day whilst she is there...you can mention it to her and the girl can explain the situation herself.

Send them an invoice
Cheeky bastard parents

How did she let herself in??????????
Fucking hell.
Seriously, come on, speak out to the right people about this. This is mad.