I'm too stressed to see sense - help! I seem to have accidentally adopted next door's child...and she isn't just *any* child either...

[Fastasleep]

I'm so stressed my head's hurting, lots, so this will make no sense... I think I'm in one of those situations where there's a simple answer but I'm too close to the problem to see...

Anyway, it all started one evening a few months back when I let the ten year old girl from next door come and splash in our big paddling pool... Ever since then she's taken it upon herself to arrive on our doorstep every night after school wondering if she could come and play...

At first I thought, great! Another kid for my DS (2.5) to play with... but then she started being weird .. when I'm not in the room (and she thinks I can't see) she will throw things at Theo, hit him, chuck things off my kitchen worktops and overturn tables and bookshelves and blame Theo... she has a habit of pinching my nine month old and making her cry, so I can't put her down... she also demands food incessantly, goes upstairs and puts my clothes on etc... I've told her not to but it doesn't work, I've stopped her pinching and hitting my babies at least though. (At least I think I have?!)

I want to get rid of her really tbh, she's doing my head in... at first I thought there must be something a bit wrong at home, you know, for her to be acting up like this, and I wanted to give her somewhere nice to go... but but she's stalking us!!!!

It's the summer holiday now and she turns up at 7am wanting to come in and if I let her she will stay... well she would stay all night! If I don't let her in and tell her not to come round she'll stand outside knocking and ringing the bell for up to an hour, and then she runs home and phones me all day, even if I don't ever pick up. (I was usually out all day, but have been potty training which has given her a perfect way in..)

I don't know her parents very well, in fact have never spoken to her mum. But her dad likes DH and I don't want to upset things, I've had neighbour probs before (childhood) and don't want to go there again...

Her parents have started going out early in the morning, leaving her on my doorstep without asking, and not returning till 7pm, and she has no key or anything...

How on earth am I going to get rid of her I am so stressed I feel ill I've got two under three and a deliquent ... but at the same time I can't upset her family, it would be hell.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

(hello, I'm FA - the saga lady... remember me? lol)

I think the letter is a bad idea.

You should definitely just say "no we're busy today" then if she's still standing there go round to her house and say very sweetly to her mum and/or dad that you're not around today so X won't be able to play at our house. I don't think that's going to cause a dispute.

Agree that it's definitely a social services issue if they are leaving her all day plus her behaviour is not normal. You could inform SS anonymously but not sure how that helps you in the short term.

What happens when you do go out by the way?

I don't think you should say you're going out or ill if you aren't.Just say no,first to the child and then to the parents.Grow a thicker skin and a backbone.
(I don't mean that to sound as harsh as it does)

I should have said - I meant say you're going out then actually go out!

Agree with everyone else, there's no soft and nice way to deal with this, and imo writing letters and trying to talk to her parents are probably not going to do any good.
I would without a doubt either get your HV round while she's there as a matter of urgency - the buck is passed then and she will report to ss or you have to do it yourself.
This girl is being seriously neglected at best and someone has to do something about it!
Too many children suffer because no-body had the guts to report things that they see. Harsh but sadly too true.
You have to do something today.

Seems to me you have a number of options:

• you speak to the parents
• dh speaks to the parents
• you block her phone number, remove batteries from doorbell and refuse to let her in
• you call SS
• you put up with it

If you're not prepared to do any of the first 4 suggestions, you are left with the 5th.

It might be that she has told her mum that you are happy to care for her when they are out. Of course most people would check with you, but these don't appear to be most people, do they? Where is her mum when she is telephoning every few seconds? Dread to think what her phone bill is like.

This just seems too strange (not questionning your genuineness FA, more the girls honesty). If she is phoning you constantly, how on earth has she got your number? If she is locked out of her house and you don?t let her in, she must go somewhere to look it up/get fed ? what about her older siblings, aren??t they in charge of her? What on earth is she doing breaking in?? Trying on your clothes without you asking?? Where are her other school friends?? Just too wierd.
Stop letting her walk all over you and your children. If she broke your child?s arm would that stop you letting her in? If pinching her isn?t getting you to throw her out, and ignoring your instructions, trying on your stuff etc?? What will it take? How far are you going to let this thing go before you say "No - today you cannot come in, Goodbye." and SHUT the door!!!! Sorry for my frustration but I cannot believe you are letting a 10 yr old neighbour control you. If she "breaks in" - tell her to get out straight away or you will phone the police!! Then, make sure you tell her parents. Equally, if she phones you, tell her to stop immediately or you will block her number and tell her parents.
Go round tonight and tell your parents you are concerned for her and have had to get tough as she was trashing your house/hurting your children and hope they understand that while you have been happy to let her come round to play for the odd hour, all day, every day using your home as a feeding station is not on and you expect them to back you up. So what if they are put out?? Quite honestly, they are more likely to be embarrassed and annoyed at their DD than cross with you if you phrase it well.
If you won?t stick up for yourself for fear of upsetting the neighbours - then do it for the safety of your own kids. Today xx

Agree with freckle.
It's a horrible position you are in and I don't envy you but only you can make it stop.
I wouldn't bother with the letter. I would turn bell off, keep doors locked etc and when you go out be firm that you are going alone with your children. If she still persists then I would go to the parents.
Of course only you know what this situation is really like and you have to decide what to do. We can all give you advice, you choose which advice you take but you must do something.

10 years old is still a child, LT.

Yes, she is still a child. However, after teaching for years (like many on here no doubt) I am aware of how manipulative a 10 yr old child can be. They can still trash a house, hurt other children, be very clever liars and come up with convincing sob stories if they think it will get them what they want. Not all 10 yr old, but then this one doesn?t sound like your average 10 yr old either! I still say that FA should say NO to the child and inform the parents so they can make sure their DD knows to do whatever they originally organised for childcare (giving them the benefit of the doubt) or make alternative arrangements. Personally, I would say no tot hec hild today and tell parents tonight but if the decent thing is to speak to the parents first then do that. Just feel sorry for the two small children and FA who have to put up with another day of being bullied.

Message withdrawn

No offence to you, but these parents are seriously neglecting their child by letting her stay with you. You could be ...anybody. What reasonable parent would leave a child with an adult they had never even spoken to for hours on end without even checking that it was ok? This is not just a question of you being taken for granted -it's a question of serious neglect. They are bloody lucky that their dd landed on the doorstep of somebody who is kind and caring but they don't sound like the sort of parents who would care even if you weren't. Unhappily for you it's your doorstep she has landed on and so now you have a moral responsibility to do something.
Phone the NSPCC NOW TODAY (anonymously if you must) and report this negelct.

FFS these people left a child unattended and locked out on the streets with nothing to eat or drink (presumably) for 12 hours - this is not a question of having a polite word with the neighbours to say you're busy. This is a question of helping a seriously abused child. Please.

And Lemon Tart, yes I've been a teacher for years like you and I do find your comments quite shocking.
Yes, I agree ten year olds can be all those things you describe, but the ones who are are invariably the ones who are being abused or who have particular special needs. Surely all the behaviour described are big big red warning flags that something is very wrong in this girl's life. Not just 'oh well, some ten year olds are like that.'

Hold on.

If she is locked out all day, where is she calling you from? (Or does she have a mobile?)

got to say that the longer you leave it the more likely it is that this'll escalate into a neighbourly feud. Take some action. Deal with it. Thats what the girl needs and your kids need.

You're allowing yourself to be a martyr here and then complaining about how it makes you feel. Easy answer. Stop being a martyr, get your HV involved.

How are you this morning fastasleep?
just read this thread and am shocked at the behaviour of this girl and her parents.I know confrontation can be difficult and them being your neighbours is hard, after all you will still have to live next door to them but someone needs to speak to them.I think that the child is probably being left in the care of the older siblings but they arte just letting her do whatever she wants allday.Maybe the parents are not aware of what is going on.Would ask Dh to mention it when he is chatting to the fella next door and see what he says,If they are aware of the situation then would deffo consider ss.xx

I really feel for you FA and can see why you feel so torn. A girl of 10yr should really be playing with children round about her own age not a 2.5yr old so it seems to me that she has obviously seen you as some kind of life line. I would never in any circumstances let a child of mine sob down the phone to someone to see them or stand of their doorstop for hours and as this girls parents are allowing her to do so, well it reeks of neglect to me. Ring SS or NSPCC, one MN is a social worker and she definitely has concerns so surely this should make your mind up about what to do. Going to cuddle my little girl now

shimmy - not sure which part of my comments are shocking considering the context of FA?s original post! What is shocking is that this 10 yr old is hurting and bullying FA?s family and getting away with it. Her behaviour is shocking. Not for one minute am I suggesting that there are loads of badly behaved 10 yr old and that makes it ok - I was just saying that while it is important to focus on making the parents aware of the situation and help her to have appropriate care, while FA is busy worrying about upsetting the neighbours and how best to approach the parents, this child is hurting and trashing the house!!
A lot of people are presuming that the parents are just kicking her out on the doorstep to find her own care. My original questions about the phone calls and older siblings were to point out that perhaps she is not being very honest with FA and she the parents might well be thinking her older siblings are caring for her, she might have access to the house and phone/phone address book to find her number etc and lying about not being able to go home. Maybe they think an aunt down the road is taking her in/she lies to ehr older siblings about going around to play with another friend etc etc But until FA confronts the parents and tackles this one up front, who knows what is going on? For the 10 yr old?s safety and welfare, it needs to be dealt with. I am not totally unsympathetic and am concerned for her too - just concerned that while she is barging into the home, pinching children, raiding their kitchen, damaging their property, breaking in etc etc no one (or not many of you) a lot of people on here are going "poor little girl all on her own, phone ss and condemn her nasty parents!!" - if she display this amount of destructive and obsessive behaviour, good chance that she might well be not that honest with the truth regarding her care.
I would speak to parents first before ss and find out what is going on. Don?t judge the parents on one disturbed girls reasons and excuses to stay with FA thats all.
Sorry, rambly post, no time to sort through it - eant to be working !!!

batters - totally agree! Just would speak to parents first rather than jumping in with ss today - maybe tomorrow if unhappy with parent?s response.
How come you say it so succinctly and I ramble on over several inflammatory posts, upsetting people in my wake?!!!

hmmm, considering this user left under somewhat of a cloud not so long back isn't this a great post to earn sympathy and thus come back on to mn with all previous actions forgotten? seriously does anyone believe this is for real? a 10 year old being able to get into the house? calling leaving messages? just slipping in and going upstairs and an adult, grown woman being unable to do anything about it? get real.