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Original poster

I'm too stressed to see sense - help! I seem to have accidentally adopted next door's child...and she isn't just *any* child either...

325 replies

Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 20:43

I'm so stressed my head's hurting, lots, so this will make no sense... I think I'm in one of those situations where there's a simple answer but I'm too close to the problem to see...

Anyway, it all started one evening a few months back when I let the ten year old girl from next door come and splash in our big paddling pool... Ever since then she's taken it upon herself to arrive on our doorstep every night after school wondering if she could come and play...

At first I thought, great! Another kid for my DS (2.5) to play with... but then she started being weird .. when I'm not in the room (and she thinks I can't see) she will throw things at Theo, hit him, chuck things off my kitchen worktops and overturn tables and bookshelves and blame Theo... she has a habit of pinching my nine month old and making her cry, so I can't put her down... she also demands food incessantly, goes upstairs and puts my clothes on etc... I've told her not to but it doesn't work, I've stopped her pinching and hitting my babies at least though. (At least I think I have?!)

I want to get rid of her really tbh, she's doing my head in... at first I thought there must be something a bit wrong at home, you know, for her to be acting up like this, and I wanted to give her somewhere nice to go... but but she's stalking us!!!!

It's the summer holiday now and she turns up at 7am wanting to come in and if I let her she will stay... well she would stay all night! If I don't let her in and tell her not to come round she'll stand outside knocking and ringing the bell for up to an hour, and then she runs home and phones me all day, even if I don't ever pick up. (I was usually out all day, but have been potty training which has given her a perfect way in..)

I don't know her parents very well, in fact have never spoken to her mum. But her dad likes DH and I don't want to upset things, I've had neighbour probs before (childhood) and don't want to go there again...

Her parents have started going out early in the morning, leaving her on my doorstep without asking, and not returning till 7pm, and she has no key or anything...

How on earth am I going to get rid of her I am so stressed I feel ill I've got two under three and a deliquent ... but at the same time I can't upset her family, it would be hell.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

(hello, I'm FA - the saga lady... remember me? lol)

OP posts:
charliecat · 27/07/2006 16:10

Hmm, long thread, have every sympathy with you FA, I had a 10, then 11 year old neighbour who was like this. We moved.
I dreaded getting up in the morning to the knock on the door. She had pisshead parents who didnt give a shit which made it ever so hard to tell her to go home.

kimi · 27/07/2006 16:12

i think i missed something here, why was this thought to be a joke

JennyLee · 27/07/2006 16:16

yes , its not like its funny

ComeOVeneer · 27/07/2006 16:22

No one thought it was a joke, rather that it may not be genuine and was just being done as a form of attention seeking.

kimi · 27/07/2006 16:30

funny way to go about getting attention if you ask me

Wisp · 27/07/2006 16:51

If everything FA has said is true, I would have no doubts as to call social services.
Hearing slapping noises,and then the girl hurting your child rings alarm bells ( I've worked in a special school, where the children have suffered various types of abuse, and they quite often reinact things that have been done to them on others)
I really hope this is just an exaggerated story. But if not please can you help this little girl.

noonar · 27/07/2006 20:52

i haven't looked at this threa for 24 hours, and as the 2nd person to respond to the op, am flabbergasted about how its developed, as FA now seems to feel victimised by some mn members.

i just want to say one thing to FA before leaving this thread once and for all. i spent about an hour last night posting genuine, heart felt advice in response to your post. i was quite taken aback, then to be told 'dear god noonar, you're worse than the nspcc..'. all i was trying to do was offer advice as a professional person with more than a decade's experience working with this age group, and your comment felt like a kick in the teeth. true, MN is not a place for the sensitive, but i just want to point out that if you take this tack with people like me, who don't know you or your history but are trying to help, it's likely that you are going to encounter some comments in response, that you might not like.

let's not lose sight of the real issue though, i think you know what you have to do, and you have had almost too much advice. i just wanted to make the point that happy communications on MN are a two way street, iyswim.

mimitwo · 27/07/2006 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nooka · 27/07/2006 23:08

I still think that the nspcc helpline is the way to go. Your Health Visitor may be lovely, but bear in mind that she will have been trained to work with children up to the age of five, and may not be able to give you the management type of advice you need to sort out this situation. You do not have to give your name, and even if you do, SS are not going to appear on the doorstep next door, and say "your neighbour has reported you to us". Given the ages of the older siblings, I wouldn't be at all surprised if they are the ones not giving her much attention, but I would still, for my own piece of mind want to let someone in the child protection world know about it.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 28/07/2006 08:40

It's sort of sorted, I'm too busy/stressed etc, but she called my phone twice this morning anyway... I really didn't want to make her feel abandoned but I guess I just have to for my own sanity..

Am still going to talk to the HV on Thursday I think, she knows a lot, she was a paediatric nurse before being a HV so she knows about older children etc... I'm just not sure about the noises I heard, but I'm still mulling and I may still call childline/nspcc/ss.

I love the way noonar came back and decided to jump on the bandwagon last night and have a moan at me - oh that tickled me! Noonar, I'm sorry you found my lighthearted comment a bit upsetting... but at the time I was feeling a bit pressured into calling SS when I really wasn't sure, so I was just trying to deflect some of the pressure... I love the way you waited till last night to add your message

Thankyou for all your helpful input, sorry if I didn't seem grateful at the time but I was feeling a bit distracted, you have been great most of you, thanks!

OP posts:
noonar · 28/07/2006 08:47

i didnt 'wait till last night' to add my comment. i hadn't seen the thread for 24 hours, and it was only relevant in the light of your later comments about your experience on MN! ie, you seemed to feel ganged up on in some way, and i was pointing out that you were actually one of the first to start 'throwing stones', metaphorically speaking.

anyway, how could i respond to that the night before when i didnt know about your feelings on the subject??

Original poster
Fastasleep · 28/07/2006 08:51

It wasn't in any way directed at you I didn't throw stones I made a lighthearted comment...

(Adds 'no more lighthearted comments on serious threads, even if I started them' to her new list of things she's apparently not meant to do on MN)

Glad I finally realised how hypersensitive mn is... I kind of know why I had to defend myself so much in the past now

OP posts:
noonar · 28/07/2006 09:02

FA, i don't have a clue about your past. although i have to confess, now, to being curious!
i wish you all the best with sorting out this problem.
i just wanted to give you some food for thought about how/why things can sometimes turn sour on mn. of course, the lighthearted comments are a big part of what mn is about, FA, but i guess i just found it a little out of place at that moment.

i don't usually get involved in big debates/issues on mn, but just felt really passionately about this little girl's plight, as well as your own . that's why my posts were rather 'to the point'.

good luck with it all.

Moomin · 28/07/2006 09:22

click here to add another PARP

dublindee · 28/07/2006 09:27

Fastasleep, just came on again to say I was by some of the snide and thinly veiled bitchy comments some of the posters made to and about you. FWIW -

  1. Having only met you once (and only for an afternoon) I know you'd never use a child real or imaginary as a platform for attention seeking.
    The fact someone even thinks you could reflects worse on them and their mentality rather than on you hun.

  2. You could be 19 or 99, really your age is irrelevant when dealing with this situation.
    Apart form the fact maybe the little girl feels she can approach you as you're only 9 years older than her?

  3. The vast majority of people on this thread have tried to give some sound advice and help you through what must be a frustrating and worrying time.
    It's MN at it's best, people offering different avenues of approach and giving you plenty of options to choose from.

Since I joined Mumsnet last year I've had loads of positive advice and made some contact with lovely people.
I've managed to meet a handful of them in RL, others I hope to meet in the future. You'll never get on with everyone, just ignore the begrudgers and enjoy MN for what it is....
A chance to air views and opinions, offer advice and make friends.

Dee.
xxx

mimitwo · 28/07/2006 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Gemmitygem · 28/07/2006 09:45

I would definitely talk to the parents. it's not being out of order or rude; you can be very friendly about it. It's better they understand what's going on. I know it's easy to think it will turn into a confrontation, but it needn't at all if you keep it very calm and friendly...

Anyway let us know how you get on!

Sonnet · 28/07/2006 09:47

So, did you manage to speak to the parents? or have you just been firm with her on the phone.
i do hope you manage to sort it out for both of you.( hers and yours)

Original poster
Fastasleep · 28/07/2006 10:15

I don't think they realise the extent of her stalking but I gave them the crazy lady is very stressed and busy and your child is not helping look, which did the trick... but still leaves me feeling odd about the whole situation with her..

Hi dee!! It was nice to meet you at the zoo

OP posts:
Original poster
Fastasleep · 28/07/2006 10:17

Don't parp at me Moomin, can't see that I've done anything parp-worthy.

OP posts:
prettybird · 28/07/2006 10:30

Glad to hear you are getting on top of things. Do have your chat with your HV and remember - notifying Soclial Services is still an option if you feel that the child is still being left to fend for herself.

LieselVonTrapp · 28/07/2006 11:01

I only came on this thread today and am appalled at some of the comments made towards a mother who was clearly at the end of her tether. To be honest her 'rant' was more appropriate than some of the threads started on here recently - i.e washing machines and cartoons from the 80's.
I thought this website was to help mothers of children in all circumstances. I feel you were treated very unfairly Fastasleep and you shouldnt be made to feel unwelcome on this site. ((hugs))

mimitwo · 28/07/2006 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

fattiemumma · 28/07/2006 11:20

people started to get annoyed by FA's apparant diregard to the advice people had given. i for one felt that she had asked a question but refused te answer.

her age was bought up because she started to make sneering comments in repsonse to people's advice and quite frankly came across as imature. Her age has no bearing on how she deals with the actual iassue here...ie the girl next door, but it does have a bearing on how she acts and respondes to other MNers.
As i have stated previously, i dont care if she is 19 or 90 if she is going to behave in the way she did...even now adding rather pathetic, woe is me lines like

'no more lighthearted comments on serious threads, even if I started them' to her new list of things she's apparently not meant to do on MN<

then she must expect people to get a little frustratd at her.
I am glad you have spoken to the parents. hopefully thy will do something about it and you will have raised to their attention the fact that a 10 year old child is left alone, or at best the mercy of a neighbour (however kind you may be you are still a neighbur whom they do not know)

if they continue to leave the girl unattended then like it or not you really will have to grow enough o a back bone to call in the proffessionals

fattiemumma · 28/07/2006 11:23

liesel - seriously...are you a namechanging Troll?

no offence if not but i have seen you on a couple of threads recently and you always seem to be a little confrontational for a newbie.

sincere apoligies if your genuine but we have had a few namechangers-just-to-wind-poeple-up-for-a-laugh type posts recently.

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