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Original poster

I'm too stressed to see sense - help! I seem to have accidentally adopted next door's child...and she isn't just *any* child either...

325 replies

Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 20:43

I'm so stressed my head's hurting, lots, so this will make no sense... I think I'm in one of those situations where there's a simple answer but I'm too close to the problem to see...

Anyway, it all started one evening a few months back when I let the ten year old girl from next door come and splash in our big paddling pool... Ever since then she's taken it upon herself to arrive on our doorstep every night after school wondering if she could come and play...

At first I thought, great! Another kid for my DS (2.5) to play with... but then she started being weird .. when I'm not in the room (and she thinks I can't see) she will throw things at Theo, hit him, chuck things off my kitchen worktops and overturn tables and bookshelves and blame Theo... she has a habit of pinching my nine month old and making her cry, so I can't put her down... she also demands food incessantly, goes upstairs and puts my clothes on etc... I've told her not to but it doesn't work, I've stopped her pinching and hitting my babies at least though. (At least I think I have?!)

I want to get rid of her really tbh, she's doing my head in... at first I thought there must be something a bit wrong at home, you know, for her to be acting up like this, and I wanted to give her somewhere nice to go... but but she's stalking us!!!!

It's the summer holiday now and she turns up at 7am wanting to come in and if I let her she will stay... well she would stay all night! If I don't let her in and tell her not to come round she'll stand outside knocking and ringing the bell for up to an hour, and then she runs home and phones me all day, even if I don't ever pick up. (I was usually out all day, but have been potty training which has given her a perfect way in..)

I don't know her parents very well, in fact have never spoken to her mum. But her dad likes DH and I don't want to upset things, I've had neighbour probs before (childhood) and don't want to go there again...

Her parents have started going out early in the morning, leaving her on my doorstep without asking, and not returning till 7pm, and she has no key or anything...

How on earth am I going to get rid of her I am so stressed I feel ill I've got two under three and a deliquent ... but at the same time I can't upset her family, it would be hell.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

(hello, I'm FA - the saga lady... remember me? lol)

OP posts:
Original poster
Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 21:20

Well they seem very polite... but very shouty at home... but that doesn't mean anything really it's just hearing through walls...

I'm now more confused than I was before AND making an absolute idiot of myself every five seconds and I just want to go to bed and cry.

OP posts:
Dottydot · 26/07/2006 21:21

Thomcat - I agree! Compassion and feeling sorry for someone else's 10 year old is all very well, but if I'd seen her trying to harm my 4 year old or 2 year old she'd be out of the door sooooooo fast....

Thomcat · 26/07/2006 21:21

you're showing comapssion now - look where it's got you. Change tact, now.

Chandra · 26/07/2006 21:22

Fastasleep, the truth is your children and yourself come first, I have a neighbour with two 8-9 year old girls that always thought were in need of a bit of love (will not get into details here), imagine how I felt when I realised they had been french kissing my one year old. [FURIOUS EMOTICON]

Your family comes first and that girl, whatever her problems, can't be trusted around your kids. Sorry.

noonar · 26/07/2006 21:22

i didn' mean that fastaslep should have more compassion- she's doing all she can. i meant SOME mn-ers the 'spoilt brat' comment really got to me! of course FA can't go on like this. that's why ss must be informed.

Dottydot · 26/07/2006 21:23

Awww - FA - don't cry. You've taken on this huge responsibility and it isn't yours to take on. They're all using you and it's not right. Put yourself and your needs first and when she calls tomorrow morning just say no. Even if you have to lie and make up an excuse like you're going out for the day, just do it. She needs to know it's not open house every day. Maybe there's a compromise like she could come round for tea every now and then - would make you feel better - but the all day every day thing has to stop.

Thomcat · 26/07/2006 21:24

what does your DH say?

CurtainTwitcher · 26/07/2006 21:24

I am sorry but if a 10yr old was coming into my home and putting my kids in danger then they wouldnt be coming in again. If the parents are taking the piss then another reason to put the end to it. Social services need to be phoned if the behaviours you mention are occuring as she is obviously a troubled little girl. Calling your hv will do nothing.

handlemecarefully · 26/07/2006 21:25

chandra - that is awful!

Fastasleep don't be confused.

Get dh to speak to them (as you are more comfortable with that).

Don't tolerate this situation any longer.

It's causing incredible stress and heartache

fattiemumma · 26/07/2006 21:26

IF you have heard what you think are smacking noises and she is being shouted at then i would advise AGAINST knocking and speaking to the parent.

the parents may be very pleasant and apologise to you and say sorry etc but the when they shut the door she will get the full force of their embarassment and be blamed for getting them into trouble.

Speaking to your HV or asking her to visit whilst the girl is there means that you are not dropping her parents in it and there will be no neighbourly dispute. it is the HV that will be reporting the fact of possible (and in my opinion actual) neglact and possible physical harm.

Alternativly why not send this anonynously -

Dear XXXX

i am sorry to have to writte to you in such a manner but i feel it necessary to raise to your attention the fact that your DD has been seen by many people wandeing the streets during the day.
I am not aware of your childcare arrangments but thought it only fair to inform you that whom ever you are leavinf her with doesn't seem to be careing for her very well as she is often hanging about outside neighbours houses long after they have gone out.

I am sure you will be worried, as am i, about XXX wellbeing. it is such a dangerous world out there and i hate to think of the things that could happen to such a young girl on her own.

I hope you are able to speak to your childcare provider as i really dont think they are doing a good enough job.

yours

A neighbour.

that way it gets the point across that she os being left unattended, it is unacceptable and that it is reminds them that it is bloody dangerous to leave her like that.

colditz · 26/07/2006 21:28

Clever FattieMumma!

MamaG · 26/07/2006 21:28

Call Social Services. Sounds like a cry for help.

handlemecarefully · 26/07/2006 21:31

That seems quite a clever ploy (fattiemumma's letter) - why would they suspect you?

katzg · 26/07/2006 21:31

Can you not point out that to look after someone elses child for such long periods of time you need to be CRB checked and that if they want to use you as a child minder that you would like to be paid for the service at £X per hour and you will investiagte getting registered! So taking a different tack completely!

sallystrawberry · 26/07/2006 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 21:35

SHe does ask her mum.. and I have told her no all the time and she stands there for hours ringing the doorbell and then calling my phone..

Conflicting advice sucks, I should've known better than to ask you......lol

OP posts:
singyswife · 26/07/2006 21:36

fattimumma, excellent solution!!!!!

Daisyb00 · 26/07/2006 21:36

Hi FA
I would ask myself - and this is absolutely no offence intended to you - If I was that child's mother and I was allowing her to spend hours on end in somebody who I didn't know that well's house, what kind of mother would I be? You or another neighbour could be doing anything to her and the parent's wouldn't have a clue, especially if she plays in bedrooms, etc. and hasn't got anybody to run home to if she is frightened or gets hurt, etc.
Somebody more sinister could notice that she's often left alone and take full advantage of that situation?
Also, you're probably saving them a small fortune in child care fees!
Maybe she's a MN and she's reading this thread and will get the message without you having to say anything.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Chandra · 26/07/2006 21:38

I wonder if we are winding up ourselves somewhat, probably a sensible course of action would be

  1. Talk to the parents as if it wasn't such a big deal but stress that you can not have her around regularly.

  2. Doesn't work, or you are worried about the child report the problem to SS or even to a child protection charity in case you don't want to get in such a problem.

I'm not quite sure about the anonymous letter, the truth is there is an element of friendship betweent the two families and I wouldn't be surprised if they blame you of not taking proper care of her daughter when they "trusted" she was safe at your house.

Tortington · 26/07/2006 21:38

its ded easy - just say - not today i'm busy and close the door.

its not your problem.

if there is a problem you should contact SS

Original poster
Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 21:40

But custardo she calls me all day and leaves messages on my phone sobbing!

OP posts:
fattiemumma · 26/07/2006 21:41

if she was just a kid who wouldnt take no for an answer i'd say to follow SallyStrawberry's advice.

but the extra info you have given is ringing alarm bells for me and you really MUST do something more.

writte the letter i have proposed and see where you go from there. if she is still coming to your house then clealry it is willfull neglect and not that she has lied to her parents saying that you have invited her or whatever (although for them not to check smacks of poor parenting)
in which case you need to get in touch with social services.

noonar · 26/07/2006 21:41

please don't let this poor girl have a summer of neglect. speak to someone NOW.

Dottydot · 26/07/2006 21:41

FA - in that case it might be a bit like the good old GF way of handling crying babies (ha ha) - you'll have to ignore her for as many hours as it take until she goes away. And that might be all day for the first few days, and will drive you bonkers, but she needs to understand you're not going to let her in.

You're not sounding firm enough! You might have to sound a lot harsher with her than you're used to doing - but whatever it takes to get the message across. And unplug your phone.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 21:42

Dear god Noonar you're worse than the NSPCC letters..

OP posts:
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