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Original poster

I'm too stressed to see sense - help! I seem to have accidentally adopted next door's child...and she isn't just *any* child either...

325 replies

Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 20:43

I'm so stressed my head's hurting, lots, so this will make no sense... I think I'm in one of those situations where there's a simple answer but I'm too close to the problem to see...

Anyway, it all started one evening a few months back when I let the ten year old girl from next door come and splash in our big paddling pool... Ever since then she's taken it upon herself to arrive on our doorstep every night after school wondering if she could come and play...

At first I thought, great! Another kid for my DS (2.5) to play with... but then she started being weird .. when I'm not in the room (and she thinks I can't see) she will throw things at Theo, hit him, chuck things off my kitchen worktops and overturn tables and bookshelves and blame Theo... she has a habit of pinching my nine month old and making her cry, so I can't put her down... she also demands food incessantly, goes upstairs and puts my clothes on etc... I've told her not to but it doesn't work, I've stopped her pinching and hitting my babies at least though. (At least I think I have?!)

I want to get rid of her really tbh, she's doing my head in... at first I thought there must be something a bit wrong at home, you know, for her to be acting up like this, and I wanted to give her somewhere nice to go... but but she's stalking us!!!!

It's the summer holiday now and she turns up at 7am wanting to come in and if I let her she will stay... well she would stay all night! If I don't let her in and tell her not to come round she'll stand outside knocking and ringing the bell for up to an hour, and then she runs home and phones me all day, even if I don't ever pick up. (I was usually out all day, but have been potty training which has given her a perfect way in..)

I don't know her parents very well, in fact have never spoken to her mum. But her dad likes DH and I don't want to upset things, I've had neighbour probs before (childhood) and don't want to go there again...

Her parents have started going out early in the morning, leaving her on my doorstep without asking, and not returning till 7pm, and she has no key or anything...

How on earth am I going to get rid of her I am so stressed I feel ill I've got two under three and a deliquent ... but at the same time I can't upset her family, it would be hell.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

(hello, I'm FA - the saga lady... remember me? lol)

OP posts:
Dottydot · 26/07/2006 21:42

Just seen your last message. It's not right!!!! Phone social services tomorrow morning. Still don't let her in, but at least you're doing something more about it. Tell them she leaves messages crying etc.etc.

noonar · 26/07/2006 21:45

sorry FA, if you didn't like my post. sometimes a point needs putting plainly. just trying to help. she sounds seriously neglected and disturbed.

Dottydot · 26/07/2006 21:45

To be honest, I really don't think you should have a child in the house when you've not agreed it with the parents first (as I said in my original post). She sounds troubled enough to maybe accuse you of all sorts of things when you finally say no to her - you need to protect yourself and stop it straight away. Maybe if you concentrate on protecting yourself and your children you'll feel less bad about her - and contacting social services seems to be the best thing you can do for her.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 21:46

I know Noonar I know, I didn't 'not like' your post...

I'm off to pull my hair out hair by hair now...

OP posts:
Dottydot · 26/07/2006 21:46

Noonar - I agree - but it's not FA's job to sort this one out. She's done enough - more than enough - and things still aren't right with the girl. FA needs to withdraw or it'll carry on not being right and from the sounds of it this girl's going to be miserable whatever happens, 'cos she's got a crap life at the moment.

katzg · 26/07/2006 21:48

i still think trying to formalise the situation with the parents might be the way to go, explaining that this sort of child care should cost them money, and that you will bill them accordingly, i'm pretty certain she won't be back.

noonar · 26/07/2006 21:49

i absolutely agree that FA should withdraw. just urging her to tell someoneone about it first, as she may be one of the few witnesses to this girls disturbed behaviour/neglect.

see, i can be cheerful.

cori · 26/07/2006 21:52

I don't think writing a letter will help, this girl is being neglected by her parents, you will just be accused of interfering, and possibly make the situation worse for her. I also agree with other posters who say you cant just abandon this girl (children act out like this for a reason, and to me it seems like a cry for help), what if you found out she was being physically or sexually abused and the only adult she trusted rejected her. You would never forgive yourself. However you do need to protect your own family and your sanity. I would speak to your HV and or call social services. You need share this burden.

iota · 26/07/2006 21:54

how old are the 2 older children that you mentioned - and where are they all day? Perhaps the parents think that the older children are responsible for looking after the 10 yr old

Daisyb00 · 26/07/2006 21:56

FA, Do you think any of your other neighbours may have noticed her situation? Maybe they can throw a bit more light on the matter / provide a bit more information about the family? Maybe they are having a tough time at the moment or something. Still no excuse but may help you get more of an idea. Not that you want to be gossiping or anything but neighbours may mention to you if they see you having regular contact with her?
Appreciate you're trying not to get anymore involved if you can though.

QueenEagle · 26/07/2006 21:57

fa - you need to be strong on this. You are the grown-up remember?

Years ago when I was fostering a lad who was about 6 at the time, the girl next door, who would have been about 10 or 11 was always round our house playing with him. At the time I thought it was nice, didn't cross my mind then to be suspicious of the age gap (why would 10/11 year old want to play with a 6 year old?)

Anyway, one day after they had been in the paddling pool and gone inside to get dried and changed, I checked on them, only to find this girl trying to have intercourse with the lad I was fostering and

I have never been quite so trusting since that point. And if you have witnessed this girl being spiteful and unkind to your kids then you really should be seriously concerned about her and personally I feel this should be reported to SS.

sallystrawberry · 26/07/2006 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noonar · 26/07/2006 21:59

good luck, FA.

am now going off to write a post about macaroni cheese recipes.

keep us posted.

WestCountryLass · 26/07/2006 22:01

I would take the battiers out the doorbell and sellotape the letterbox up!

Seriously, you do need to nip this in the bud, I think speaking directly to her parents and telling them what is going on (in a nice way) is your best option as I don't think a softly, softly approach will work.

You can't be a prisoner in your own home or an unpaid childminder!

fattiemumma · 26/07/2006 22:02

FA - sorry to sound like a nag here but you have come and asked for some advice.
retty much everyone has offered you a different take on the same thing...sto letting her in and inform someone. yet you dont seem to want to d anything.

everytime someone offers you an alternative you respond with - yes but- sort of answer.
if you ask for advice take it.

I am a social worker by proffession and i am telling you that the behaviour you have described is a serious cause for concern and should be investigated. i really dont are how you go about it....feck it email me at fattiemumma at msn dot com and iw il inform your local SS for you!

that girl needs someone to speak for her and im sorry but as your the adult she has turned to, thats you! it may be uncomfortable for you but imagine hwo she feels.
you ahve said you dont want her to keep coming round and that her behaviour worries you, particulalrly arond your children...so do something about it.

sorry if im a bit harsh but i have had enough of the hearts and flowers now

Tortington · 26/07/2006 22:02

you could be accused of something - think of it that way. not worth it. change phone number. say no at the door. call SS

QueenEagle · 26/07/2006 22:03

And, let me tell you something else. Just because you have had a hard childhood, doesn't mean you have to be a soft touch to any other child who is having a hard time. Stop feeling guilty about this, it really is noit your responsibility to sort this girl out nor to look after her for free.

What you are responsible for is protecting your own kids first and foremost, and then if you genuinely believe this girl to be neglected, you need to take steps to protect her and that means involving SS, even if it is indirectly, through your HV.

nooka · 26/07/2006 22:16

Fastasleep, why don't you call the NSPCC? They have a help line: 0808 800 5000 and a web site at www.nspcc.org.uk/. They can probably give you good advice on how to manage this situation, whether that is how to gently persuade this little girl not to visit you all the time, or to contact the appropriate authorities. That way you don't have to feel that you are getting the family into trouble unnecessarily as they will only contact the authorities if they have concerns, but you can talk in confidence about your worries. As others have said if there is something seriously wrong and something happens you would feel awful, and we all have a responsibility to protect children. However annoying they may be. I do sympathise, although I also suspect that my two might do the same, and I know that my autistic nephew has walked into the houses of complete strangers and sat down and watched their TV!

wanderingstar · 26/07/2006 23:20

Get some distance betwen you and that poor girl. No that's not a contradiction; she sounds damaged and in need of professional help. For that reason also, I wouldn't recommend talking to the parents, who are at best neglectful and selfish, and at worst abusive. Speak to ss, anonymously if you have to, and get a third party involved NOW. Please.

eenywifemum · 26/07/2006 23:37

I think fattiemumma is right. You have to just buckle down and do what needs to be done. For your sake, your childrens sake AND this little girls sake. It sounds like SHE needs help and obviously you do too.

waterfalls · 26/07/2006 23:41

I think you should take fattiemumma advise, she is a social worker and said the situation is a serious case for concern, you have unvoluntarily been put in this position and it must be incredibly hard, but the sooner you contact SS, the sooner hopefully this little girls life can be improved, and the sooner your life can get back to normal

Katymac · 26/07/2006 23:46

Fastasleep - I reported a child (10) to social services and I was ultimatley responsible for her being taken away from her mum

If I was in the same situation tomorrow I would do the same - she was in danger

Say you go out the day after tomorrow and the mum & dad don't realise and leave her on the street all day.

Best case senario - she gets hungry, thirsty, maybe dehydrated and sun stroke
Worst case - who knows?

Wouldn't you feel better if you had rung someone tomorrow? I know it feels like you are interferring - but if SS investigate and decide you are wrong...never mind you have wasted a bit of time (it's only tax payers money) if ss decide you are right then the family will all get the help they need

babybuttercup · 27/07/2006 00:02

I agree with fattiemumma its now time to sort it out, as a social worker herself she's obviously aware of how serious this situation is so please do something about it - this way you are not only protecting your own family but helping the girl too!! Keep us posted!

dublindee · 27/07/2006 00:22

FA

You need to think of your two gorgeous children and the welfare of this poor 10yo girl. I know you're gonna feel as if it's interfering but as practically all the other posters have said, something needs to be done to help her otherwise things will keep going the way they are now and you'll end up in a mental home!

Please either send the letter (great idea fattiemuma) or call social services. No parent should leave a small child unsupervised all day.

olivia35 · 27/07/2006 00:42

If you send an 'anonymous' message, the parents will quickly work out that you sent it - you're the one their dd has been bothering. It'll just come across as cowardly & underhand, frankly.

If you don't want to get into a neighbourhood dispute with them - fair enough - you just need to close the door to this girl. If you are worried about her you need to speak to SS I suppose...