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Original poster

I'm too stressed to see sense - help! I seem to have accidentally adopted next door's child...and she isn't just *any* child either...

325 replies

Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 20:43

I'm so stressed my head's hurting, lots, so this will make no sense... I think I'm in one of those situations where there's a simple answer but I'm too close to the problem to see...

Anyway, it all started one evening a few months back when I let the ten year old girl from next door come and splash in our big paddling pool... Ever since then she's taken it upon herself to arrive on our doorstep every night after school wondering if she could come and play...

At first I thought, great! Another kid for my DS (2.5) to play with... but then she started being weird .. when I'm not in the room (and she thinks I can't see) she will throw things at Theo, hit him, chuck things off my kitchen worktops and overturn tables and bookshelves and blame Theo... she has a habit of pinching my nine month old and making her cry, so I can't put her down... she also demands food incessantly, goes upstairs and puts my clothes on etc... I've told her not to but it doesn't work, I've stopped her pinching and hitting my babies at least though. (At least I think I have?!)

I want to get rid of her really tbh, she's doing my head in... at first I thought there must be something a bit wrong at home, you know, for her to be acting up like this, and I wanted to give her somewhere nice to go... but but she's stalking us!!!!

It's the summer holiday now and she turns up at 7am wanting to come in and if I let her she will stay... well she would stay all night! If I don't let her in and tell her not to come round she'll stand outside knocking and ringing the bell for up to an hour, and then she runs home and phones me all day, even if I don't ever pick up. (I was usually out all day, but have been potty training which has given her a perfect way in..)

I don't know her parents very well, in fact have never spoken to her mum. But her dad likes DH and I don't want to upset things, I've had neighbour probs before (childhood) and don't want to go there again...

Her parents have started going out early in the morning, leaving her on my doorstep without asking, and not returning till 7pm, and she has no key or anything...

How on earth am I going to get rid of her I am so stressed I feel ill I've got two under three and a deliquent ... but at the same time I can't upset her family, it would be hell.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

(hello, I'm FA - the saga lady... remember me? lol)

OP posts:
colditz · 26/07/2006 21:10

Gosh they are leaving this child for a long time, aren't they!

What about popping ound to see the mother, and saying something along the lines of

Aren't they funny at that age? My sister used to tell lies about our parents being out so she didn't have to go home too! Of course, my parents would never do that, any more than you would, but they can be so clever, can't they?

If they still leave her after you have made it perfectly clear how appalling you think it is, call SS.

colditz · 26/07/2006 21:10

Gosh they are leaving this child for a long time, aren't they!

What about popping ound to see the mother, and saying something along the lines of

Aren't they funny at that age? My sister used to tell lies about our parents being out so she didn't have to go home too! Of course, my parents would never do that, any more than you would, but they can be so clever, can't they?

If they still leave her after you have made it perfectly clear how appalling you think it is, call SS.

WigWamBam · 26/07/2006 21:10

How is she managing to let herself in? Does she have a key, or do you not lock the door? Both are easy to remedy - either take back the key or keep the door locked for a while.

You have to do this for your own sanity and for this child's benefit as well. If you can't do it, then get dh to do it - maybe he will have more clout with her parents anyway as he's older - perhaps they see you as a soft touch because you're so young.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 21:10

I know it's mad I know I just feel myself slipping into this whirlpool of not knowing what the fuck to do about it!

I've had seriously bad neighbour probs before which is why I'm so scared of this whole thing escalating...

I will try and think of something to say.. I can't cop out and write a letter can I. URGH

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 26/07/2006 21:10

My first concern is for your children - naturally I feel for the little girl too, but if she has pinched your 9 month old and thrown things at your 2 year old - dear god that's extremely worrying (disturbed child scenario...)

Don't see that talking to your Hv will help, but do think you need to steal yourself, be brave and talk to her mother candidly but respectfully / politely.

I would not have a child like that around my children - she sounds unpredictable and unstable

SenoraPostrophe · 26/07/2006 21:13

actually no - how about just say to the girl that she can't come and play so much because you're too tired. if she persists then speak to the parents. it could be that you've misunderstood. if however they are deliberatley leaving her all day then you do need to call social services. poor girl.

Dottydot · 26/07/2006 21:13

Hmm - hadn't read the bit about her parents leaving her all day... . I'd still be firm though - although it probably requires a conversation with her parents - are they scary? You could phone social services? It's not right and not fair on you or the girl. And I still think you can't keep letting her in every day or it'll just carry on.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 21:14

I have been watching them like a hawk which is one of the reasons I'm at breaking point!! WWB you ageist nobbo (love that word)..

Can I get DH to do it... can I... I get him to do lots of things I should really ...I'm going to write down what to say to her parents...

seriously TC this is no wind up trust me I'm at the point of a nervous breakdown! She let herself in the door once when I had a 41 fever and my PILs let themselves out and she scampered through the hedge and through my open window a few times, that bit is quite easily remedied at least..

OP posts:
Dottydot · 26/07/2006 21:15

No - a letter won't work - someone needs to talk to the parents or phone social services. Even if you said to the parents, look I know I've been able to keep an eye on xxx up until now, but I'm shattered at the moment/have got a lot on/something or other and I won't be able to keep doing this. Make it clear that you won't be letting her in from the next day and then you'll have to stick to it - even if they continue to leave her outside. Then you can phone social services and explain you've done your best but it's clear the parents aren't looking after her.

Thomcat · 26/07/2006 21:15

Yeah - write a letter if you have to, if it makes you do something about it, just do what you gotta do and do it fast as everyone is sufferig here at the moment. The girls is unhappy and messed up, your kids are suffering, her parents must be mad. What does your DH say about the bloke? How are they mates and then do this to their DD and to oyu.
You may have had probs before but burying your head in the sand on this won't make it better, you really do have to do something so if it's a a letter thatr you can manage then write it tomorrow when you have a clear head but don't delay.

Original poster
Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 21:15

They yell at her a lot and I've heard the odd slapping noise going on at their house (they have two older kids too)..

I think I will just have to talk to the parents..

OP posts:
colditz · 26/07/2006 21:15

Get your DGH to do it if you think they will listen to him more

Dottydot · 26/07/2006 21:16

oops Thomcat - didn't mean to contradict you! I was just thinking they'll probably just throw a letter away/not read it...

Original poster
Fastasleep · 26/07/2006 21:16

But the girl's going to feel so abandoned I know how that feels and I don't want to have to do it.. oh this sucks so much

OP posts:
noonar · 26/07/2006 21:16

the hv could provide a link to other agencies who could help, without giving fastasleep the burden of responsibility of telling ss directly.

yes, your children need to be protected too, fastasleep, but they have YOU watching over them and caring for them. who does this little girl have? all you mums of babies and toddlers, a 10 year old may seem huge and hardy compared to your children, but she's vulnerable too. all this 'don't stand for it' talk is upsetting me. less of that, more compassion, please!

foxinsocks · 26/07/2006 21:16

if you can't bear confrontation, have you got some spare dosh or some relatives you could stay with? I'd be tempted to book into the local travelodge for a few nights.

Thomcat · 26/07/2006 21:16

DON'T YOU JUST HATE CONFLICTING ADVICE IN POSTS NEXT TO EACH OTHER!

sory about caps.

psychomum5 · 26/07/2006 21:17

I have a 10yr old DD and she is in NO WAY big enough to be left all day....if I did that I would expect to be reported. She is still a baby too really, as someone ealse has already said. 10yr olds may look big compared to a 3yr old and a baby, but they aren't....they STILL need mothering. someone has said that she seems to wanting to be treated in the way yours are, and I think she is right. especially as she is asking for bottles and climbing in the cot. she clearly needs help.

you must start saying no, and if you can't, then your DH must....if he is friendly with her dad then he has the best advantage to surely???

And also....can't you arrange to go away for a couple of days to break her cycle (as you aren't there for her to come to IYSWIM?), and ring SS before you go. hopefully they will sort it before you come back that way??!!

good luck, and be strong!

Dottydot · 26/07/2006 21:17

But you've got to think of your family and yourself!

handlemecarefully · 26/07/2006 21:17

Blimey fastasleep - what are the parents like? Do they seem a bit rough around the edges?

Thomcat · 26/07/2006 21:18

same as that dottydot, made me laugh when i read your post after i'd sent mine.

I just want to encouage fastasleep to make that first move and if she feels better doing the letter thing, to start, then she should go for it. She can't avoid a 1-2-1 face to face at soem point though.

singyswife · 26/07/2006 21:18

Hi How about phoning her parents. Then you wouldnt have to do it face to face, you could just say something along the lines of. " hi I have .......here again would it be okay if I sent her home as I dont feel well and have to go to bed". Then they would know she had been there all day and maybe would address the problem. Maybe they dont know she is there.

WigWamBam · 26/07/2006 21:19

Ooooh - "ageist nobbo"?? Get her ...

Seriously, they may think that because you are young you're a soft touch. Dh talking to them may be more effective simply because being an older male he's not such an easy target.

I don't think a letter will cut it, sweetheart - it has to be face-to-face. They can deny receiving a letter.

handlemecarefully · 26/07/2006 21:19

noonar,

I feel for the 10 year old, but it really isn't fastasleep's responsibility to provide her with pastoral care...

It might be her responsibility to report it to Social Services however (I don't envy you fastasleep)

Thomcat · 26/07/2006 21:20

look - stop thinking abut her for a second and think of your own kids and your health. You have to be cruel to be kind in this mate, you ust hae to.

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