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Original poster

DD1 has been invited to a party and the invitation says "No gifts please, only donations inside the card"...OUTRAGEOUS!!

222 replies

SourOldBat · 13/03/2006 18:56

I thought at first that it was a request for donations to a charity that the family support, but no, they are asking for MONEY for their DS so that he can choose his own presents!

I think this is outrageous - think I will buy him a small gift and enclose a donation (cheque) to a charity within and say "what alovely idea..."

What would you do??

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 14/03/2006 10:54

I hated parties myself. I felt 'on stage' and embarrassed. When I was 8 or 9, my dad asked me, 'Party, or trip?' Um, trip please! Went to an amusement park w/the family instead and LOVED it. Still remember riding rollercoasters w/my dad, and getting to eat all the candy floss I wanted.

fennel · 14/03/2006 10:54

good luck Hunker on training them not to say "but I've got that already". My children are quite polite but I haven't succeeded in training them to say this, they do rather go in for devastating honesty at all times. I have developed a neat line in mending the situation after their candour - "but that's great because our other two fishing games are broken" or "fantastic cos now you can have a book each and one to leave at Granny's!"

fennel · 14/03/2006 10:56

I quite appreciate the plastic tat the girls get given at birthday parties by friends. How else would they get the cheap barbies and pink glittery gloves that I would never stoop to buy them? It means i can maintain moral high ground yet they don't miss out on the crap.

moondog · 14/03/2006 10:58

Excellent point fennel!
Come to think of it,I don't buy anything as rely on crap entering the house this way.

bosscat · 14/03/2006 11:08

expat I still feel like that. My friend is the exact opposite. She made all the men get down on knees around her at her 21st whilst she stood in the middle. 14 year later I think its quite funny but at the time I was outraged!

Flip · 14/03/2006 11:14

This really is a contentious thread.

I still think that if you explain what your child would like to put money towards it isn't a problem. Go for it SuzyWong and don't let anyone put you off. I've done this for my sons party and he's said he'd like money to put towards a bike.

compo · 14/03/2006 11:17

flip - I think it's just the assumption that people must bring presents or money to parties that I feel is rude. If you write on an invitation 'my son would prefer money for new bike rather than a present' however nicely put you are still assuming that people will bring something. When I invite people for dinner I don't say at the time of inviting 'we would prefer a bottle of red to white' for that very reason - maybe they weren't going to bring anything!!

Flip · 14/03/2006 11:19

Compo - would you go to a party for a child and not take a gift whether it's money or a present? I wouldn't!

getbakainyourjimjams · 14/03/2006 11:20

Agree outrageously rude.

My family often have no idea what to buy ds1 for birthdays etc, so if they ask me I ask them for money to contribute towards X (last year a trampoline, this yeat we're looking at getting some weird therapy swing thing). If X is from a SN catalogue it costs a small fortune and people seem happier to contribute to something like that than buy a toy for a child who can't play.

However I would never ask upfront, and I would never ask friends. DS1 ended up with 3 spinny light things this Xmas- which he loved and they were all slightly different.

Duplicates I either give to ds1's school (e.g. thomas pop up toy) or put into the present box (remembering who gave what ovbviously). As the kids get older will be harder to do so just have to give one each. Am training them to say thank you and not 'we've got that one already". (Getting there).

Blu · 14/03/2006 11:20

Flip - I would always take a present - but that is about GIVING, not about the recipient ASKING. That's the big difference.

Blu · 14/03/2006 11:22

And if someone came to DS's party without a present, i wouldn't think twice about it. I wouldn't EXPECT. An invitation is made without conditional reciprocation.

compo · 14/03/2006 11:23

Flip - no I wouldn't personally. But other people might, it's just that whole expectation 'I'm having a party to get lots of presents/money' that drives me mad - and to me that's what it sounds like if you stipulate a preference for money or particular present on an invitation

suzywong · 14/03/2006 11:27

yes you're right it does compo. I would have to word it along the lines of, although it is by no means necessary, if you were thinking of giving a gift for ds1's birthday.......

FWIW all the mums at school have made a casual agreement on no bought wrapping paper for birthday gifts and childmade cards are OK.

joelalie · 14/03/2006 11:30

I think that's wrong on several counts:

  1. The assumption is that the child is going to get a pressie from each guest - a present isn't essential, that's the point, it's a voluntary gift.
  2. Yep, the kids do get loads of plastic cr*p that I wouldn't say thankyou for, but in my experience the recipient's love it - quantity not quality every time Grin It's the child's party not the parents.
  3. If he's saving for a big thing such as a bike, it's fine to ask relatives for money but not little children.
  4. The parents of the guests will feel uncomfortable if they can't give enough - sometimes my children get given stuff that I have seen in the cheap shops for well under a fiver - which is fine by me and my kids.
  5. We've had fivers in cards several times at my childrens' parties - usually accompanied by an apology. No problem with that - the guests chose to do that, I didn't demand it.
  6. I work and have 3 kids - I don't have any problem finding time to buy a gift. My children usually enjoy buying it.

I think it just seems a bit too materialistic, if very pragmatic, and the way it was phrased makes it worse. I think a word in the ear of parents that they knew well enough would have been better.

Kate

Bugsy2 · 14/03/2006 12:09

Agree with everyone else really. Think it is grim.
I would ignore their request completely and buy a gift just as I normally do. Afterall, just because they are free to ask for a donation, equally you are just as free to ignore their request and do what you think is appropriate.
Have to say I sort of admire them for being so audacious and unconcerned about their rudeness to ask for cash though.

Normsnockers · 14/03/2006 12:21

I don't mind vulgar items (naff plastic toys are often suprisingly fun for a fleeting period and disposable, making space once broken and binned) but the mother's behaviour is vulgar, vulgar, vulgar and that is different.

She seems to be forgetting that present giving is about two way pleasure. The pleasure of giving a thoughtful gift to a well-mannered child who says thank-you. One can always 'phone ahead and ask what he's into at the moment.

It's not teaching the child giving the gift or the child receiving it anything but self-centred behaviour.

I'd be "misunderstanding" and donate to a suitable charity to help underpriviliged kids who have more to concern themselves with than getting a new bike instead of a book or toy.

I'll get right down of my high horse now

papaya · 14/03/2006 12:23

when i was little i used to love getting those cards which you inserted pounds coins into (think they used to hold 5!) maybe you could just get one of those...

i agree and think its rude though.....if you don't want tat then why dont parents suggest every child brings a small wrapped up toy and does pass the parcel with them all to mix them up , so the outcome means EVERY child gets a present.

One child is not inundated with tat and lots of happy children......

Babyannabel · 14/03/2006 12:36

My dd was invited to a 4 year old's party and a present list was enclosed with the invitation. There were suggestions like horse riding lessons, tennis lessons, and funds for piggy bank. There was also a list of things not to buy the little boy. Unbelievable I think.

tamum · 14/03/2006 12:39

God, that really is repulsive, babyannabel Shock

getbakainyourjimjams · 14/03/2006 12:41

No... BABYANNABEL that's awful!

Babyannabel · 14/03/2006 12:41

I know, fine with the family, of course but with people you hardly know it is just awful. Of course I completely ignored the list Grin

Firefox · 14/03/2006 12:43

Well I for one wouldn't feel comfortable asking for money however it was worded. In the same vein, I would not like being asked for money either as I do end up giving more in cash or vouchers than I would normally have spent.

Birthday presents I feel really should be a matter choice for the giver - not the parent or child! Therefore it should be down to each party guest whether they want to give plastic tat, vouchers, a goat, money or even nothing at all. The child or parent should accept whatever is given then in good grace.

My 5 yr old dd genuinely loves getting any kind of present. She also seems to accept the likelihood of getting things she already has or doesn't care for much - such as clothes. The nice thing about getting presents that people have chosen for her is that often these are toys we probably would not have considered. Any unwanted presents or duplicates are donated to the local charity shops. If I wanted money for her I would be more inclined to express this as a preference verbally - and only then if I was asked.

I also can't help wondering whether people who ask for money actually give money themselves as presents. And I think notes such as these actually imply that a present IS expected.

joelalie · 14/03/2006 12:58

BabyAnnabel....wow! I am stunned by that....

Just out of curiosity, what were some of the things you were asked not to buy?

Babyannabel · 14/03/2006 13:00

One of the things was a gardening set! I can't remember the others, I just remember the riding lessons etc, you're talking £20 aren't you? Oooh I just remembered, another suggestion was to take him for an outing for the day (no doubt to give the mother a day off!!!!)

getbakainyourjimjams · 14/03/2006 13:21

take him for an outing for the day???? wtf? ever so slightly precious I think!