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Original poster

DD1 has been invited to a party and the invitation says "No gifts please, only donations inside the card"...OUTRAGEOUS!!

222 replies

SourOldBat · 13/03/2006 18:56

I thought at first that it was a request for donations to a charity that the family support, but no, they are asking for MONEY for their DS so that he can choose his own presents!

I think this is outrageous - think I will buy him a small gift and enclose a donation (cheque) to a charity within and say "what alovely idea..."

What would you do??

OP posts:
lockets · 14/03/2006 08:12

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suzywong · 14/03/2006 08:14

I would be ostracised as a Pommy Toff if I put "top hole" but I certainly understand where you're coming from.

FrannyandZooey · 14/03/2006 08:19

Lockets I agree. As a party goer I like to take something to say thankyou though and think a lot of people are the same.

Suzy yes not sure where that came from, have not been reading P.G Wodehouse lately or anything.

ScummyMummy · 14/03/2006 08:20

I think I would feel uncomfortable at the controlling aspect of all this rather than the being asked for money per se- it's the message that I would not be trusted to get something nice that I would dislike. I don't like that about wedding lists either. I also think children need a percentage of plastic crap to wreck and adults should take their chances of receiving horrible wedding presents because it's more fun that way. Are we so bloody individualist that we've forgotten it's the thought that counts, these days? Is it really not acceptable to receive a present that's not the one of our dreams? Sounds like rank ingratitude and rudeness, frankly. And bad for the development of essential white lying skills on the part of the receiver, not to mention the pleasure of thoughtful present choosing/making on the part of the giver. I think kids and adults need to take this on board. Plus I have fond memories of playing for hours with (mildly disapproved of) plastic crap and of my mum deliberately breaking great aunty Mandy's hideous wedding gift teaset piece by piece when she got cross. I think parents sometimes try and control things for their children a little too much. Personally I would do my very best to disobey both a money please and a no gifts instruction in an invitation on principle.

edam · 14/03/2006 08:33

I think there's been a misunderstanding about the charity donations. People were suggesting them because the parents were cheeky enough to ask for 'donations' on the invite and the OP originally thought they meant charitable gifts. But when she rang to enquire the parents said no, we just want the money.

Looks like most people would be fine if parents suggested politely that x was saving up for something special and a small contribution would be appreciated. But an outright demand for money because guests can't be trusted to buy something nice is extremely rude, however you look at it.

Uwila · 14/03/2006 08:34

Deffo out of order. Really tacky and rude to ask people for cash. And, yes, a bad lesson for the birthday boy/girl.

When some one gives you a present, you say "thank you" not "I don't want this. Give me money."

I think I wouldn't go to that party.

GeorginaA · 14/03/2006 08:39

I can sort of see the point, but I also very much agree with ScummyMummy. Some of the dses favourite toys are the stuff in the "plastic tat" drawer. Plus it's really nice to have some "relaxed" stuff that it's not the end of the world if it gets broken.

And you know what - when visiting children come to play, it's the plastic tat drawer that gets pulled out first more times than not...

hunkermunker · 14/03/2006 08:52

It's all very well choosing "something nice", but this is how come DS1 has several copies of the same book.

ScummyMummy · 14/03/2006 09:12

tbh, hinker, I would say tough to my sons getting 3 copies of the same book. Your two are very little so it's a bit different maybe- though I would have thought they were too young to notice, perhaps- but I would expect mine (coming up for 7) to start being able to take it on the chin, especially in the context of being lucky enough to receive a range of nice presents. Training them to say convincingly "Thank you so much. It's lovely of you" and in the future to even mean it seems a really key part of helping them grow up nice to me.

Enid · 14/03/2006 09:15

agree with scummy

Enid · 14/03/2006 09:16

dd1 got the snail and the whale for xmas (she already had it but the giver had left then wH smith gift receipt inside so we could take it back and change it Smile)

WideWebWitch · 14/03/2006 09:17

I'd be peed off too and would buy a present to make a point.

SorenLorensen · 14/03/2006 09:18

Spot on, scummy - excellent post.

Bozza · 14/03/2006 09:22

I agree with scummy and georgina.

Also if DS gets duplicates I either take them back to the shop and swap them for something similar (so if a book, maybe another book in the same series or whatever) so that the spirit of the gift remains or if that is not possible for some reason I save it as a party gift (carefully noting who it came from Grin) and buy him something similar.

FioFio · 14/03/2006 09:24

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cod · 14/03/2006 09:25

yes especially if they ahevt heir won
my brother ( LAODED) once asked for money towards someheing for his birthday
thinkit was a roof box
we rtold heim to bog off

FioFio · 14/03/2006 09:27

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satine · 14/03/2006 09:28

I think it's fine to ask family for gift vouchers, or a donation towards one big thing for Christmas or birthday, especially as most of mine ask beforehand what the children would like, but in this situation, I would rather say 'no presents' than ask for cash. I agree that the huge pile of presents is rather obscene, really, given how many toys our kids have already, and I always feel bad that people have been so generous and thoughtful when my kids don't really play with much of what's been bought. So I try to keep a lid on how much my kids get.

drosophila · 14/03/2006 10:31

SO what are you going to do SouroldBat? It's a bit like wedding lists isn't it. I must say I don't like them either. I know they are practical but still it's a bit like saying you must give us a present and I don't want any old tat. Infact I suspect this is where the Mum is coming from. Probably bought many a gift from wedding list and thinks if it is good enough for a wedding.

Love the story about the guy wanting to claim his VAT back. As an ex VAT inspector I know some people who would be very interested.

moondog · 14/03/2006 10:36

Any presents my kids get which aren't needed are promptly put (untouched) into a cupboard and recycled.
They know this and accept it.

hunkermunker · 14/03/2006 10:38

Oh FFS, I would NEVER tell anyone DS1 already had the bloody book - it's just annoying! And both DSs will be brought up not to say anything either, don't worry.

But what a pigload of hassle to have to return things, right?

FWIW, DS1 has beautiful manners already - he says please (please was one of his first words - has been saying it since he was about 15mo) and thank you and says "Oh, wow!" in tones of utter amazement when he receives a present (then carries it round for a while grinning gleefully) - he has no concept that he is meant to get presents on his birthday or at Christmas though.

expatinscotland · 14/03/2006 10:39

Flog stuff you don't want on Ebay. After sending lovely thank you note, of course.

Blu · 14/03/2006 10:49

I think this defines 'present' and 'give'.

The transaction this mother proposes turns it wholly into a materialistic, rather than generous and giving transaction.

Giving money is perfectly ok of that is what you choose to give, and esp if you know the child/parent will approve.

Unless it was a close friend of DS's i would avoid this partyu like the plague. or be upfront with the Mum and say 'I'm not ready for DS to see birthday gifts as some kind of investment opportunity, so would you prefer us to chose a nice present or give the money to charity?'

Blu · 14/03/2006 10:50

meant 'RE-defines'

Blu · 14/03/2006 10:51

A friend of my neice (age 6) was told she could have £100 to spend on a party with her freinds, or she could spend the momey on a shopping spree. I thought that was awful, too.