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Original poster

DD1 has been invited to a party and the invitation says "No gifts please, only donations inside the card"...OUTRAGEOUS!!

222 replies

SourOldBat · 13/03/2006 18:56

I thought at first that it was a request for donations to a charity that the family support, but no, they are asking for MONEY for their DS so that he can choose his own presents!

I think this is outrageous - think I will buy him a small gift and enclose a donation (cheque) to a charity within and say "what alovely idea..."

What would you do??

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 13/03/2006 20:19

I just asked Scottish SIL and she was astounded at this gal's cheek.

expatinscotland · 13/03/2006 20:20

OMG, helsi! Are they putting the money in a savings account for the child? Or - gulp - spending it on themselves? I can't imagine!

drosophila · 13/03/2006 20:31

Well, at DS's party he recieved a card (unprompted) with money in. The Mum had told me she would do this and wanted to know that I would not be offended. She said that where she comes from it was the norm (Jamica I think). SHe said that people can be funny about it.

Do you think it could be a cultural thing?

drosophila · 13/03/2006 20:32

SOrry Roisin didn't see your post saying similar thing.

edam · 13/03/2006 20:33
Shock

Looking at Roisin's post, I think it's rude because it's demanding a specific kind of present (money) rather than leaving the choice up to the giver. And because the parents will know exactly how much you've spent. And because it implies that the giver can't be trusted to choose something the child would like. And because there's an assumption that you were going to buy a present in the first place - I know everyone probably would, but presents are supposed to be freely given, not strong-armed out of the giver. You are supposed to be grateful if anyone buys you a present - you aren't supposed to order them to do it or give them a specific list of requirements!

It's a huge transfer of power from the giver to the recipient. Add in the cultural reluctance to talk about money and it's really, really rude. If they don't want plastic tat, they should just say 'no presents'.

Flip · 13/03/2006 20:36

Why is this such a major issue? Wording is everything and to say only donations is different to requesting money instead of a present.

helsi · 13/03/2006 20:37

no - the child sees the money when they open the card and all the cash is then put somewhere safe. It then ends up in the mums purse to spend on things like shopping etc.

moondog · 13/03/2006 20:39

Cheeky coarse bitch.
I wouldn't even let my kid go.
This makes my blood boil.
Last year,I was in a remote village in Turkey with my dh and his colleagues and some of the kids picked flowers for me.
Had nothing to hand,but gave them one of dd's (Welsh) books. They took it away and carefully ripped the page out of it so that they could all have one. Sad

I don't let people bring gifts to my children's party but tell them that if they want to contribute,we are collecting for the local Sure Start project and/or the school fynd.

drosophila · 13/03/2006 20:43

But if it is a cultural difference then I would not be outraged. Personally I prefer people to buy my kids pressies (if they want to) rather than give me money to spend on them cos I find it difficult to buy pressies but a few people in my own family (my mother for one) always gives me money for DS and DD.

I think it is a cultural thing in Ireland as well. I remember once going to a wedding with my Mum and she wouldn't let me give my cousin a nice present I had bought. Instead she handed over an envelope with lots of cash. Still can't quite understand it.

expatinscotland · 13/03/2006 20:45

but this isn't about people giving money as a gift b/c that's what they chose to do - for whatever reason. it's about a host saying, 'give us money.'

Flip · 13/03/2006 20:50

It's about taking the pressure off already over burdened parents. No, just winding you up now. It's about saving up for something. I asked my ds1 if he wanted a party or a bike. He said he wanted both. So I said well you'll have to think of way to ask your friends for the gift of money to put towards the bike you want. Giving £5 is less than I spend on buying pressies.

expatinscotland · 13/03/2006 20:53

'It's about saving up for something. I asked my ds1 if he wanted a party or a bike. He said he wanted both. '

Party or bike? That's an either/or question. So therefore 'both' isn't a viable solution. At least, that's how I was brought up. Telling people to give me money b/c it's my birthday certainly wasn't how I was brought up.

Flip · 13/03/2006 20:54

I don't see anything wrong with it and that's my opinion. Yours is that it's rude and totally wrong.

expatinscotland · 13/03/2006 20:55

yep

Flip · 13/03/2006 20:56

Okay then, let's shake hands and take neutral corners. Smile

Passionflower · 13/03/2006 21:02

I'm in the rude and vulgar camp. I would put a charity donation in the card.

I also think it's a bit sad for the child, some of my best birthday pressies as a child were inexpesive ones that I wouldn't nec have chosen for myself - several spring to mind. I have noticed the same now that DD's are getting older.

Original poster
SourOldBat · 13/03/2006 21:09

eeeee!

They are British, northerners, loads of dosh, as I said, he is quite posh but she is Mrs Chavtastic herself. So no cultural differences.

Flip - forgive me if I'm wrong, but when you have a child's birthday party, you don't say in the invitation "Make sure you bring a present" do you? So why would Mrs Chavtastic assume that people would bring a present anyway? Some of the children in the class are not British and a couple have been to birthday parties and not brought presents with them as they didn't know, never having been to a birthday party before.

OP posts:
milward · 13/03/2006 21:13

Wouldn't go to the party!

Original poster
SourOldBat · 13/03/2006 21:15

She is desperate to go, as it is in horrible soft play centre.

Will try and book riding lesson for that day, I think, and will send child a goat or sheep from greatgifts.org

And will give him paperback book.

OP posts:
Cristina7 · 13/03/2006 21:15

I'm torn on this one. My first reaction was to think "how ghastly" but then I veered towards the idea that the only problem is in the wording. Give it another 5 years and everyone will be doing it. Like baby showers becoming popular over here too.

roisin · 13/03/2006 21:21

But do you not think it's just a desperate move to avoid all the plastic junk that inevitably results from a party? Fortunately we are past the stage of large parties, but I remember coming home after one particular party and feeling physically sick at the sight of the pile of plastic rubbish ds2 brought home. Plastic rubbish that will end up in a very short space in landfill - where it will remain for several hundred years before fully rotting down. To what end?

chipmonkey · 13/03/2006 21:31

Reminds me of a wedding SIL was invired to where the bride's Dad asked for the receipts for the presents to be enclosed so he could claim th VAT back!

Orinoco · 13/03/2006 21:44

I'm with Flip and the others. I think it's an excellent idea - if dd was going to a party I'd be delighted to send money instead for something the child really wanted, instead of plastic tat. In fact, I might suggest it for dd's next party. I like the £2 idea from Dumbledoresgirl.

However, I do agree that in this case it was very badly worded.

notasheep · 13/03/2006 22:15

I would get dd to do a home made birthday card-thought that counts

Piffle · 13/03/2006 22:17

vouchers or like you decide a charity buy a goat from oxfam to Africa etc
We ask for donations to the birth defects foundation as an alternative if people want to buy dd a pressie as she has a condition that this chariy researches and funds heavily.
But would never be that blunt, its a bit umm vulgar I guess...