Look I'm sorry, I'm sorry I posted at all, I don't want anyone in suffering to feel angry or aggrieved by a fucking internet forum thread when what's being discussed is so serious. We can only come at it from our own perspectives. I have seen my cousin go to hell and back... I have falled out with MIL about it because of her comments about how none of her early miscarriages "counted" or people in my family ragging on about how hard it was for them when she would say she longed for a child. Boo hoo etc. However, it did get worse when she struggled to have a second child because if she had no right to grieve not being able to have a child she certainly had no right to grieve when she had been "blessed" (after 7 years! Miscarriage after miscarriage! Invasive and soul-destroying procedures!) to have one child (when everyone else in the family was popping them out good-o).
She told me that when it started again, she felt even worse because she thought her body was healed and then there it was, letting her down again.. and she said before, when she grieved her "lost angels", they were a loss of a dream to her but now every early scan was a promise of a child like her daughter again and so she had learned to hope again but even more know what could come out of that clump of cells and so the bereavement was all the more keen.
My MIL once said to me "you should have three children because that way if one of them dies the other two will have eachother". That to me highlights the ridiculousness of comparing. Each child you have - and really, for many people, each pregnancy you carry - is separate and unique and not offset by anything else, the same way that it wouldn't be okay if your sibling died just because you had another. It is NOT about extra clothes or some wishy washy desire to fulfil some media stereotype that makes secondary infertility devastating and not something to belittle.. it is the desire for another child to love in their own right, a child that is every bit as irreplaceable as that first child. So not having THAT child to love can be as painful for some people as not having any, because that first child can't replace that second one, they are as separate as any other relationships in life.
Sorry if I have caused offence, I just don't think it is helpful to compare on the basis of what I have seen my cousin go through, and how it is different, yes, but pain no one should have to bear, either way. Good luck to any and all women who experience infertility in overcoming this and achieving what they most desire.