thinking of trying for a girl and want to hear your experiences

[happyforthemostpart]

Okay - so i know it's not PC to want a particular sex BUT I have always envisaged having a daughter. My son is 17months old and when he was born i have to be honest i was disappointed. I can't believe i could say that now and i love him more than anything else in the world and would not swap him at all!!

BUT - we have started trying for a brother or sister for him and I am wondering whether the 'girl' theories are worth giving a go.

I have done a lot of reading up and my thoughts are:
Timing method Timing method - seems to make sense but I am worried about missing out on pregnancy completely and don't really want to be TRYING for too long!
Diet method - I think a balanced diet is necessary when trying for any baby. Though i have been drinking oj and eating yoghurt.... not sure this will tip the balance though!!
Sperm count - again i know lowering it is supposed to work for a girl but i am concerned lowering it too much will just result in no pregnancy at all!!

My orginal plan was just sex every other day and see what happens - the normal sensible way to conceive... But wondering if any ladies out there have had luck? Or think it's all rubbish?

Also - I haven't been charting cycles for long as just came off the pill - first cycle was 31 days and then 34 days so i think ovulation is around day 20/21 as was monitoring mucus too.....

Anyway - I just wondered if anyone felt comfortable sharing their stories? I don't want to talk about it with any of my friends or family!

Thanks!

No it was moved by MN because it "fit better" in other subjects. I fail to see how what section its in changes the tone of the OP particularly as many people click through from active convos without paying that much attention to the section it was posted in and many of us clicked through and read it whilst it was in conception.

I couldn't choose not to read some of the things the OP said without actually reading her OP. I read it because having been in the position (during the adoption) of genuinely being able to choose the sex of my child and having to re-examine my long held prejudices and beliefs about girls vs boys, I thought I might have something valid to add (and hope if the OP had actually read my main post that she would have learned somehting). As it was the phrasing the OP used made me wince and I'm no shrinking violet when it comes to the freedom of speech and I continue to defend vigourously the right of an adoptive parent to choose the sex of their baby which is not always a popular opinion.

OP knows the subject is sensitive, she acknowledges it as such when she says it isn't "PC" and I'm guessing (perhaps wrongly) its why she doesn't want to discuss it in RL. She didn't need to make a big deal about her grand plans and her inital disappointment at having a son and accusing those of us that haven't even had one child or only having one child at lacking empathy with her plight.

I have read posts from people like Lissie about her struggle to conceive/carry to term a second child and haven't ever felt the need to post on her threads to point out that she should be grateful for having one, doesn't the fact that I felt the need to comment on this one tell you that it was poorly thought through?

I wanted a a biological child, I wanted a girl, I got an adopted boy - haven't for one second from the first moment of meeting him felt regret that neither was possible and even if I had, I doubt I would choose the conception board of a parenting website to share that feeling except possibly to discuss why I might feel that way.

I wanted a girl - I am not any stranger to the feeling, but the OP still made me wince. Perhaps you have to have been in my position to have any empathy with that thought .

OP, I have no idea why you are being flamed. She isn't saying she isn't grateful for another child, she isn't saying she wouldnt love a boy or adore him, all she is asking is if she can tip the balance? At least she is brave enough to admit it, I know loads of people who would have a slight preference for one sex over another if they could choose.

The great thing is that we can't choose, it's one of natures surprises and that moment when you find out (during scan or at birth) is pretty amazing whatever.

Fwiw, I had a DS and then went on to have 4 dd's. All conceptions completely different timing and circumstances. With DD4 I felt sad for her as everyone around me expected ME to want a boy. I really genuinely didn't have a preference except that I felt a little sorry for my poor DS with 4 little sisters :) he loves it though. I feel very blessed to have them all, boys or girls. Oh and my DS is not at all interested in footy and typical boy things, whereas 2 of my girls love football and never want their hair brushing, :o

So, OP, try if you like, I don't see why not, just be happy with whatever you get, I'm sure you will be. Good luck with TTC.

I think what you want people to do is tell you that DIY gender selection methods will work for you. Which they can't, because basically they won't. You have a roughly 50:50 chance of conceiving a girl if you successfully conceive. You can theoretically swing the odds a little one way or the other, but there's very little evidence for any of this actually working.

FWIW I have two DSs but before that had a DD who was stillborn. I am occasionally stricken with longings for a girl, and I read threads like this because in some ways I don't understand them, since I don't really believe the differences between the sexes are as important as their similarities. I click on threads like this to try to understand my feelings more. It's always sad - because how can pretty dresses and ballet classes matter that much? I know they sort of do, because I feel sad about those things myself. But I will never know if I would have had a longing for a girl if I'd had my DSs and not my DD. I think I just miss my DD who should be my 7 year old PFB.

I think you should put the gender selection thing out of your mind and concentrate on TTC and having a healthy pregnancy.

Thanks olivesandfeta! You are spot on I would be delighted with any child I get.... thanks for emphasising my point.

I wish i didn't have a preference but we REALLY can't help how we feel.... it's just how we feel.... and unfortunately you can't change how you feel.

I am of course reading all the posts and finding it all interesting.... it's just that i have tried responding to some of the criticism and stating i didn't mean to cause offence but it didn't seem to get through so I don't see the point in having an online argument to defend myself each time someone has a pop at me on this thread!!

Ledkr/Lulumama - I loved hearing about your kiddies! It's fascinating watching them grow isn't it! My little boy is so affectionate it's gorgeous.

Mrs G Boring - your post has just come up....

I am so sorry for your loss. not sure what else to say but your post was very emotional so i wanted to respond. I hope your boys bring you some comfort.

Thank you for your post

Kewcumber, I was trying to be insensitive. I CAN empathise as I have been in the same position as others on this post that have or had been ttc. It took two years for me to concieve my ds after being told I would need IVF etc and that was devastating at the time. However, if happy had posted this on the ttc or conception posts I could understand if others thought she was being insensitive etc. However, this post was obviously about trying to choose the sex of your baby and thus if I was going to be upset by that I would not read the post. And of course I am grateful that I have two beautiful children.

Thanks happy and good luck to you too!

Sorry I meant was NOT trying to be insensitive - trying to multi-task too much this morning I think!

I have been in my own sad postion,had cancer young and had chemo so therefore told no chance id concieve with my new husband.I did naturally after 4 years and i did prefer a girl yes,i had 3 ds's already and prefered a different kind!What is wrong with that?
Its no worse than the vast majority of people acting as if you are diasppointed when you have another of the same sex.Or people with one of each being all smug.
I dont believe its about a prefernec for females either,my friend has 5 daughters and would have loved a boy as would her dh,nothing wrong with that.
I think people are looking too deeply and personally at this,op just asked if anyone had tried gs and it had worked.

Thanks Ledkr....

Hi Happy,

I have just read the article someone posted a link to relating diet of the mother to the sex of the baby. I have to say in my case, it didn't work that way.

When I conceived my DS (now 14) I was underweight. Although I did conceive around Christmas, when I may have been eating slightly more than I had all summer/autumn.

The article didn't seem to indicate whether it was a sustained lowering of calories or what you had eaten in the last 7 days which made the difference. Either way the women's diet didn't seem to make a huge difference in results.

I am preggers again now (although early days so no idea of sex yet) and definitely eating more calories than I was in 1995 . And for the record I would love this baby to be a girl, but I know I will love whatever I have; boy, girl or chicken.

Good luck TTC Happy - let us know which old wive's tale (or new medical research) you decide to go with!!

"if happy had posted this on the ttc or conception posts I could understand if others thought she was being insensitive" - she did - it was posted in conception which is when many of us read it.

No problem with hoping for one sex over another (if you had read my posts) not even a problem with someone trying a few things to (pointelssly IMO) swing the balance.

I did/do find some of her comments massively insensitive particularly "I think unless you have had this deep longing and don't have a lot of empathy it's hard to understand". I don't feel that the desire for a girl is particularly high on the "deep longing" scale, I'm sure a few posters on here could "trump" the OP's deep longing with a few of their own.

Pointless of me posting this really - will hide the thread now but I hate to see people who are already going through enough be dismissed as over-sensitive.

Why do people keep copying and pasting OP post about deep longing and empathy? Surely you can't all be that dim, she has explained it enough.

You clearly DON'T have empathy with her deep longing for a daughter. THAT'S the fucking point!

The world doesn't revolve around you or your problems, much as I am sorry you're having them. If the OP had posted "All those TTC without success, please give me your views on the fact I want a daughter and will never love another son" than I would get your point.

As it is you ARE being over-sensitive...

Fanny, that post has been c&p'd because that was the offensive one (and no, she hasn't explained it - she sulked because she didn't get the posts she wanted) it was a response to the replies telling her to get a grip. To which she replied that you need empathy to understanbd her longing. So we lacked empathy for not doling our hairstrokes and telling her that she is not being a daft mare.

And am aware that the world doesn't revolve around my infertility, thank you. however, I do expect to be treated decently and sensitively, whether its by a friend moaning about morning sickness and how much they hate being pregnant or by a woman on the internet stating that she would be disappointed at having a particular sex.

Have been following this thread with interest as I currently have 2 DSs and we're thinking about TTC. Much as I hate to admit it I would love to have a DD, although I know I would still love another DS also.

It is a tough one as I feel guilty for feeling this way as if my boys aren't good enough, and this is made worse by all the constant comments from family and friends like 'oooh, wouldn't you love a little girl?'

I've been doing a lot of thinking as to why I have such a longing for a DD and I think its because I lost my mother in my early twenties and I don't have a sister so I miss that close female confidante in my life. I sometimes look into the future and think it may seem lonely as my boys will be at the football and other laddish outings with their dad (if he gets his way!) and will I feel left out.... My DH is one of two boys also and I do think my MIL seems a little on the outside with their constant sports chat. I know that doesn't mean thats how my life will go but it just makes me think.

I just always imagined that I would have a daughter and think its sometimes hard to get your head round things not working out as you'd expect but I guess until I know I'm finished having children I haven't given up the hope that I'll have a daughter.

Anyway, just wanted to add my thoughts, I understand the longing for a girl and the feeling of it being wrong but there is little that can be done about it, I do just remind myself how lucky I am to have the two fabulous, healthy boys that I have and that whatever will be will be.

OMG - I haven't read the whole thread as I can't believe how the OP was attacked! I will put my hands up and say that I tried for a girl using the timing method (I already had a boy and my preference was one of each). OF COURSE we would've been happy to have another boy but I really did want a girl. When it came to third pregnancy - I really didn't mind so didn't track my dates at all. (BTW, I happen to know when DS was born as we were trying but DH had been away until right near the end of that month's window - I didn't know about trying for a particular sex at that time but, in retrospect, realise that it fits with the theory of trying for a girl in the days before ovulation and for a boy after)

I have discussed the method with lots of my friends and know of four that said they had used it with success so you are by no means the only one who is interested

however, I do expect to be treated decently and sensitively

How was OPs post indecent or insensitive to you? It was not in any was offensive unless you were being over sensitive... as we LOOOOVE to copy and paste, here are her posts explaining. Pray tell how this is sulking?

Ladies - The comment about empathy was misunderstood - I meant if people didn't have empathy for having a particular gender they wouldn't understand.... which it seems they don't - and that is fine. We can all have our own views.

I would NEVER have meant to offend or upset anyone with the post - just looking for some experiences of other women in this area. i know there are specific sites for it but i am not someone who is obsessed with having a girl, i am just interested in this idea of timing.....

As i said in the OP we are trying for a brother or a sister - whichever gender child we hope to be lucky enough to have we will love immeasurably - but when you've had a dream since childhood of having a family containing a daughter (as some women have with having 2, 3 or more kids) it is something you work your head around and knowing there are people who have 'tipped the balance' i was interested in any ladies experiences, be it that it 'worked' or that they think the theory is rubbish.

All the people who say "be happy and grateful for what you have" are completely right and every day i look at my little boy and realise how lucky I am. It's not that i don't appreciate him at all, he is without doubt the best thing in my life and being his mum is amazing! I would be delighted to be lucky enough with 2 kids but i would absolutely love a little girl (for many personal reasons) SO - i wanted to hear from people with experience in this area.... that's all.

I don't think it's fair to be angry or abusive - there are many people who have said in really positive and articulate ways "be grateful for what you have" and i see that as a constructive view so thanks.

If the thread offends you then don't read it.....

And thanks for those who took the time to defend me while i was out for the day in the park with my son!! Much appreciated

and

Thanks porcupine and frazzled for the thoughtful and interesting messages.

Porcupine - I hope you get on well with TTC - wishing you lots of luck.... you are right, 2 boys would be a joy!.....

Frazzled - it didn't sound like a dig at all - great to get some honest and well articulated comments, especially from someone who 'gets it' so thanks for taking the time. I am happy you have your gorgeous boys.

I would be delighted with a baby of any sex (and have conciously waited till i am in this place before trying) but i was just interested to see if any ladies had any experience in this area.... after all this is a 'discussion board'!! And my discussion was based on 'thinking of giving it a go'!!!

Dumbledore - i think you have completely misinterpreted my post. I didn't say no-one could understand what i am going through! I'm not going through anything and am very happily married with my gorgeous boy and feel very grateful. I was merely interested in talking to some bright women about something going on in my life - as many other women on this site are. I do count myself lucky but this doesn't mean I can't have feelings!! I really hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

If I've upset people I do apologise but mumsnet operates free speech and it doesn't serve well to be agressive with nothing to contribute to the thread!!!

So if anyone has anything useful to offer then thank you - otherwise take the aggro away!!

Ok. First the decency and sensitivity comment was general, which is why I used the rl friend example too. It was based on the assumption that your "the world doesn't revolove around your (gen) problems" was also a general statement. Secondly, the use of "I apologise, but" "I'm looking for certain answers" "bullying bitches" (don't we love to bandy that around" and if you don't like it, don't read" tends to signify that the person doesn't either understand why people took offence, or doesn't care. Maybe all the posters on this thread who were offended or exasperated by the op and her posts are being over-sensitive. Even the ones like NL who doesn't have (afik) fertility issues, and kewcumber who wanted to talk about gender preference. Or maybe some people lack the ability to empathise, and are happy to hurt the feeling of others.

HAHA! Hi Fannyannpam! It's very nice of you to take the time to explain my point - Thank you :) Your first post did make me smile!! I have given up trying to explain my point as it seems people will either understand or not and if they don't, they never will. I also wonder if some of the ladies are confusing the words empathy and sympathy and that is why they are getting so irate. Anyway, you'd hope if i am that offensive that they've given up reading my trash by now!

I did post this topic in conception because it is about conception.... conceiving one gender over another..... It was not meant to be a dig at people who couldn't conceive at all! The board is about conception as a subject.... not 'unable to conceive'.

anyway.....

Hi Lucyloo - Lovely to read your message. I feel exactly the same and many of my circumstances are the same as yours. Good luck :) You shouldn't feel guilty.... at the end of the day whatever sex baby comes out you will be delighted with but for some ladies it is natural to have the longing. Several ladies have said it's 50/50 but i have done so much research and truly believe there is something in the timing method so am going to give it a go i think.

Hi LPG - Thanks for your message- lovely to hear some positive stories from you and your friends..... I am wondering at the moment how close to play it to Ovulation to start with.... I was thinking 2 days?? I know some of the theories say longer but i know you're a lot less likely to conceive if you start further out? Do you mind me asking if you have any thoughts on this? We have decided to start trying this month so wondering what to do!!

Thanks Ladies

p.s. twatphone - if you have enough time on your hands to go through the thread and copy my comments back to me at least try and read them properly and copy them back correctly, if you paraphrase and pick and choose the bits you copy then of course it doesn't make sense.

thank-you!

I didn't copy and paste your posts, I merely pointed out which parts were offensive. However, you don't want to admit any insensitivity and I'm tired of banging my head against a brick wall. Once again, good luck ttc. I hope it works out for you.

I didn't copy and paste your posts, I merely pointed out which parts were offensive. However, you don't want to admit any insensitivity and I'm tired of banging my head against a brick wall. Once again, good luck ttc. I hope it works out for you.

This is my (probably very poor) understanding of it - if you have a 28 day cycle you will be most fertile on day 14 so, if you want a girl, have sex on days 10, 11, 12 then stop. For a boy you would try 14, 15, 16.

That is what I did for my girl and I happen to know that with DS I was on either day 16 or 17. I do not need anyone to tell me this is all bollocks!!!! I realise that it probably is bollocks but it worked for me and several people I know.

Good luck with it all happy x

Hi LPG - can I ask how long it took you to catch each time?

Good luck Happy, let us know how you get on!!

Yes - that's as i understand it LPG..... It could be bollo*ks like you say but there are a LOT of women out there who swear by it. One guy at my work has 6 kids boy,girl,boy,girl,boy,girl all planned genders naturally through the timing method. Of course it could be co-incidence and i'm no scientist but it seems pretty flukey!

Fanny - I am one of the fortunate few that fell really easily. DS was in the second month of trying (after a miscarriage at 7 weeks - that was an unplanned pregnancy whilst using the pill albeit in a slapdash manner!!).

DD - DH got three days of full on trying and that was it... (he was most put out!!) and DD2 was the result of a drunken night followed by the morning after pill... (I wouldn't be without her now but we had decided that 2 was enough).

I do realise how lucky I am.