Grieving over not having a second child

[GreenFingeredGoddess]

I'm 44. For years I only wanted one. We went round and round in circles trying to decide whether to have another and decided we were happy as we were. I just couldn't face having another baby as I found it so hard the first time around.

I don't know why, but in my heart I always thought another one might come along or I would suddenly feel at peace with my decision. I never have.

It plays on my mind all the time. I talk to friends about it, I obsess about having only one and how many children other people have, it goes around in my head all the time.

DS is now 8 and a half. I'm very old to be thinking about another. DH does not want another. It would be hard but I can't STOP thinking about it.

I know it could be that I'm probably too old now and it's suddenly hit me, I just don't know. I just want all the thoughts to stop-they are driving me mad! I have had counselling but it didn't really help. I was just told to deal with it or try for another basically.

Can anyone relate and how did you cope?

I definitely share the anxiety about the future. My daughter is nearly 11 now. Recently she has become anxious about death - worrying we could die. I wonder if this is more exacerbated with her being an only child.

I guess though the thing I always hang on to is that I don't have a good relationship with my sister and she has made my relationship with my mum more strained. My husband also not close with his sister but they are on good terms.

My strength on this earth is the family I have chosen: my husband and daughter and the friendships I have built. And I think that's all you can do, encourage your child to build friendships, invest in good friendships, join community activities. Belong.

I also know many sad cases of siblings that are a burden. One of my daughters friends has severe mental health issues and her sister is very affected; another has become paralysed from the neck down.

There are many happy only adults and just as many lonely siblings out there. Sending loads of love ... Xxx

P.s. watch Gillmore girls. A wonderful only parent only child relationship, embedded in the local community!

Perdita14
I meant to reply to this ages ago, sorry!
Your post is very thoughtful and helpful.
DS is 11 now and about to leave primary school. It's a massive change for him and he's not really looking forward to high school.
But yeah, he went through that phase too, of worrying about if we're no longer here. Being older parents doesn't help and the whole only child thing scares me even though I thought I had found acceptance. But there are no guarantees whatever happens. Like you say, all we can do is encourage them to build lasting friendships and find their place in their community.
I will watch that film ☺️ thank you and sending love xxx