Grieving over not having a second child

[GreenFingeredGoddess]

I'm 44. For years I only wanted one. We went round and round in circles trying to decide whether to have another and decided we were happy as we were. I just couldn't face having another baby as I found it so hard the first time around.

I don't know why, but in my heart I always thought another one might come along or I would suddenly feel at peace with my decision. I never have.

It plays on my mind all the time. I talk to friends about it, I obsess about having only one and how many children other people have, it goes around in my head all the time.

DS is now 8 and a half. I'm very old to be thinking about another. DH does not want another. It would be hard but I can't STOP thinking about it.

I know it could be that I'm probably too old now and it's suddenly hit me, I just don't know. I just want all the thoughts to stop-they are driving me mad! I have had counselling but it didn't really help. I was just told to deal with it or try for another basically.

Can anyone relate and how did you cope?

[PasstheStarmix]

@sunshine546 would it definitely be too late for you? Would your dh come around to ththe idea? It seems a shame if it's been what you've wanted. I've heard of loads of women having babies alittle later and it works for them.

[PasstheStarmix]

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[sunshine546]

Hi passthestarmix

I'm 41 .. ds is 5

The problem is I don't know if it is what I want and that's why I haven't done anything about it and have spent the last three years deciding and undeciding .. dh is equally indecisive as we found the first few years with ds v hard and weren't keen to go back to that again .. no family nearby , both demanding jobs etc. All my friends went on to have seconds and I just kept pushing back the deadline to decide. Now ds is older it's much easier so I've started to think we could try and see what happens but equally it's even harder now to contemplate nappies and sleepless nights..

The problem is at 41 it really is crunch time .. it may be too late already .. if we do try I am worried about mcs and health issues but if we don't I worry that I will feel like op and regret it in a few years ....

[PasstheStarmix]

I feel your pain sunshine, it's such a tough decision. I have 10 month old ds and i haven't enjoyed the baby stage. I love him more than life itself but he has been a difficult baby. I'm not sure if I want a second but know dh does. Some days I do and other days I don't know if I can go through it all again. However I think the end result will be worth it for say a year of tough times and may decide to try again when ds is a little older. I think once I've caught up on sleep and rested a little I may come around to th idea of a second. I've found the sleep deprivation so hard to deal with and can imagine as I get older it'll only become harder. I think I'd have coped with it much easier if I'd been in my 20's and not my 30's. However I do know women in their forties who have more energy than I do in my thirties so it really is such a personal choice. If you feel fit enough than why not? You know what you're in for yes but you also know it does get easier with time and that the difficult phase will pass.
I think the question you and your dh need to ask yourself is are you prepared to go through is all again to get to the end result? Would the end result be worth it for you personally? Maybe you could let nature take its cause and give it say a year and if it doesn't happen think it's not meant to be and don't ever look back.

[PasstheStarmix]

it

[sunshine546]

Happy new year passthestarmix .. yes I think I need to speak to dh again and see what his thoughts are

[PasstheStarmix]

Happy New Year sunshine546 and good luck

[sunshine546]

So I don't know if it's something to do with new year and new beginnings thing but today I have woken up with a feeling that we definitely should try and see what happens. If it doesn't happen so be it.

One of the things that helped was reading an old thread where op was worried how she could possibly love another child as much as her dc. I feel like this and everyone on the thread says you just have enough love. I was watching ds today and thinking if we had another and I felt like I do about ds about them that would be amazing

I know I could be opening myself up to miscarriage and disability risks but I think I need to try and not focus on all the negatives

Spoke to dh who didn't run off in a blind panic so that's a good thing! We are both a bit tired and hungover today so decided we'd discuss it again tomorrow night

Thanks starmix for your thoughts!

[PasstheStarmix]

sunshine546 That's great news I think you're doing the right thing. If it happens it happens and if not than it's not meant to be; you will have no regrets either way. Better to have tried than to be left wondering what if. My work colleague had both her dc in her early 40's; both healthy and full term pregnancies. I think the horror stories put people off as they're mainly all we hear because nobody shares the positives. My work college is also very young for her age and fit and healthy; she's fitter than a lot of younger women I know. Good luck

[afreshstart1]

I know this is an old thread but I just wanted to update for any pps who are still around

I was sunshine546 but I've namechanged.

So after much deliberating we tried for another fully expecting it not to happen but at least we could say we tried and left it to fate

And miraculously I got pregnant immediately.. we were happy but then then sadly I suffered an ectopic pregnancy at 7 weeks requiring emergency surgery and removal of my tube

Now I think that's fate saying be grateful for what you have and don't push your luck

I'm not sure I can bring myself to try again and I don't know if I am happy I tried in the first place because it's been an awful experience...

[Jmamabear]

Hey everyone.
I stumbled across this post trying to find ways of being ok with not having another baby. I have one amazing 6 year old girl. She’s the light of my life, but I feel there is something missing in my heart. I have been asking my husband for the last 3 years and he has said yes and then he changes his mind. We had talked about it again last month or so and he said we could start trying here in the fall. Well I brought it up and he got mad at me, we didn’t talk for like a day or so and he finally came out said he’s not wanting another, we had plans to travel and that another baby would put ahold on that. He feels also that now he’s 40 he won’t be able to handle another baby. We are just starting to get ahead financially somewhat and he feels that would also hinder us. I totally get all that, but I still feel like something is missing. I feel my heart is broken and I’m feeling very very sad and cry myself to sleep every night the last couple of nights. When we were younger we always talked about 2 kids. Things were very stressful when my daughter was born and don’t feel like I enjoyed her baby phase as much as I wish I did. And I’m sure it’s a selfish reason to have other one, but knowing I’ll never get to experience All those amazing firsts again. And watching them grow. Im so I love with my daughter and it makes me sad she will be alone when we die, that breaks my heart. I at least have my sister but she doesn’t want children. And all my cousins live far away. She will have no family when we die and that makes me so sad for her. My husband knows all this, but it hasn’t changed his mind. How do I get over this? How do I stop bursting in tears every time I think about it? And most importantly how do I not resent my husband, whom I love so so much. I had such a vision for our life and it’s not going to plan in anyway.... anyways thanks for reading. I loved how supportive this post was, I’m hoping I can get some insight you all of you! Thanks so much!!!

[Wewin]

@afreshstart1 I’m so sorry to hear about your ectopic. That must have been so hard for you. Something similar happened to me.

I always wanted one more but my DH didn’t. It made me sad and resentful. We’ve had our problems and cane through them and he changed his mind. Now I wasn’t sure at age 41 whether I did really want another. I delayed and delayed. Then I thought yes, let’s try, so we did just as I was turning 43.

I got pregnant immediately and suffered a chemical at 5 weeks. We tried again, bfn. We tried again, BFP, hcg rising, no chemical- I start to get excited, but then they suspected a molar. They gave me an emergency D&C at 6 weeks. It wasn’t a molar after all. But all very devastating and traumatic.

Part of me wishes I hadn’t tried. I was quite happy. But we keep on trying. Haven’t had any success since then except for another couple of short chemicals lasting 2-3 days on the hpts followed by AF. I also have an autoimmune thing going on so am now on steroids.

We have decided to keep trying. But I’m half scared of another mmc or mc or even another chemical. Yet something keeps me trying each month. I don’t know where it will end. As well as mc’s, I worry about disabilities and multiples but know if that happens, it will be very hard in the early days but it will be a blessing in the long run.

So have decided to give ttc a year in total. We are 7 months in. By the time I’m 44, I will be at peace knowing that we tried. Hopefully then, I can move on with my life.

The upset the mmc/cp’s/hospital stays will forever be part of my journey now. I can’t help feeling I could have saved myself all this heartache by not trying but ultimately this is more bearable than not trying and not knowing what could have been. For me it was a matter of weighing up the risks with not trying. Both are daunting and filled with heartache. It’s all in God’s hands what He wants for us. I can try all I want but if He hasn’t planned this for me, then it simply won’t happen.

[afreshstart1]

@Wewin thanks for sharing your story and I'm sorry to hear of your losses

How old is your dc1?

I think it's sensible to have a cut off and I hope it happens for you

I've decided that I am happy I tried as otherwise I would be forever thinking what if?

At least now I can say we have it a good shot

I am a believer in fate and I like your philosophy that if it's meant to happen it will

I did think the ectopic was fate's way of saying quit whilst your ahead but having read around the subject and seen how common it is I feel differently and it's just one of those things

But it took me so long to decide to try last time and now I have all those same fears but with so many more in case it's ectopic again ( there is an increased risk)

It's a hard call!

Good luck

[Perdita14]

I am so happy to find this thread. All the stories mirror my experiences and feelings.

I have a wonderful daughter who is 5 and I gave birth age 37. I had a rough pregnancy with 24 hour sickness for 6 months. I also had a hard time post birth recovery with anal fissures for 2 years. In addition my husband had chronic fatigue and was ill for the first 2 years of her life.

We tried again just short of a year when she was 2. Then I had to go on medication and was advised not to get pregnant. By this time I was 40. I came off that medication about 9 months ago and we have been trying but nothing.

I turn 43 this month and feel time has run out. It sounds like I was really sure about having another but in reality I have really dithered. I did not enjoy the baby phase or the toddler phase. I found it exhausting and dare I say boring. But when she went to school I suddenly saw how short that time really is ...

Eugh! I feel an emptiness too at xmas and on holidays. Othee families seem so contained. So happy within their unit. Yet i am always looking for playmates.

I really regret not trying sooner for another child. It took us 10 months to conceive her and I am sure my fertile years are past me now.

Anyway i am happy to read other people like me

[afreshstart1]

Sorry to hear how you feel @Perdita14

Do you think you will keep trying?

[Perdita14]

We agreed to try up until xmas ... so 2 more cycles. But feel maybe we should keep going until perhaps spring. But my husband feels firmly we should enjoy our lives and appreciate the amazing daughter we have. Im finding it really hard to come to terms with it whereas he seems totally fine! He has a sister who is close in age but they are not super close now. He also said he found her annoying growing up. I have a sister who I remember playing with but fighting in equal measure. We have a lot of family problems and disagree a lot on things. Having said that when times get tough she is there for me. But its the shared memories, the link to the past
.. that's what I appreciate. My mum is still alive and I know when she goes my sister and i will probsbly fall out but still i cant imagine a life where you have no one after your parents die that cannot reminisce about your home or family in the way a sibling can.

[afreshstart1]

@Perdita14 I know what you mean! Dh is happy to call it a day and seems unphased by it all

I'm struggling with it!

[Perdita14]

Afreshstart ... yes! Men seem more able to move on from things. I think for women it is such a huge biological and physical connection. My husband was totally detached during pregnancy. Not really interested in baby kicking or even the scan. Then when she arrived he was overwhelmed with love. He was also not so sympathetic with morning sickness which was 6 months 24/7 for me.

He firmly believes happiness is a choice. And I guess it is to some degree. This am been able to spend a few hours doing jigsaws and colouring with my daughter. I know I'd probably be incredibly grumpy with 2!

[BooseysMom]

Hi everyone
I have been following you since ..well, i don't know when! ... i wanted to say i feel the heart ache and longing each and every one of you are going through. I'm 47 and have a DS who's 6. We intended to have one more but several things stopped us and we didn't try hard enough. It's Xmas and i feel worse this time of year. DS is amazing and i think happy to be sibling-less. But what Perdita says rings true.. the fact that even if you hate and don't get on with your siblings, you can still reminisce and i'm scared DS will have no one. I'm feeling so guilty too for not trying harder. I think we have to stop and think in life there's no guarantees anyway. You all... Afreshstart and Wewin and Perdita.. have suffered ttc with no success and i am so sorry. I was too scared to even try! I was 41 when i had DS and i'll never know if i could have successfully had another. I just have to hope..as we all do ...that our DCs will find a special partner to share their lives with.
Good luck everyone xx

[BooseysMom]

Hopeful bump!?!

[freedafree]

Just popping on to say hi to@BooseysMom .

I know exactly how you feel ..

[BooseysMom]

@freedafree... wow, thank you! I was just browsing around One Child Families and found your post. Feel free to tell more if you like. Happy New Year x

[afteshstart1]

How is everyone doing?
@Perdita14 are you still trying?

[BooseysMom]

Hi @afteshstart1.. i'm ok Thank you. still checking this thread and One Child Families from time to time. How are you?

[Armysarah]

I wrote a letter to my daughter (see below). It really helped me as part of the process. I am torn as I love the freedom and the ability to be able to afford adventure for the three of us. I think the only person that is worried about the only is me; the dog, guinea pigs, husband and daughter are all super happy.. and when I search deep my want is more a societal need ( I have never had anyone probe Poppy's 'onlyness ) I openly discussed this with my husband and we agreed that if I was married to someone else I would have had a second but I am not. The having a second with someone else would have been happy and supportive because it would have been an all round agreed decision. Having a second with my husband would be an unhappy decision - so its about protecting and embracing what I have.

My beautiful Girl,
I am writing this letter to you whilst you are five. You are a happy, beautiful, funny girl and are simply everything that I wanted in a daughter. I am constantly amazed about how I can possibly love you more and more each day and feel so lucky to have you in my life. I felt however, that I wanted to explain to you why we decided not to have a second child, a decision which tore me apart for a good three years and even now I am jittery over the topic.
The first thing I need to state was the decision not to have a second was nothing to do with you. I had a dream pregnancy, you slept through from 9 weeks, your tantrums were mild and practically non-existent and not only did I love you I actually liked spending my days with you.
So why you probably ask…
Daddy worked away lots and I had no family around when you were growing up. On top of this I was also the main earner and we were dependent on my salary. Balancing work, childcare, finances, etc was simply tough on my own. Whilst Daddy loved you more than anything in the world, he also likes his own time and space and for him, whilst he would have a second child and would have loved a second child it would not make him happy. For me, I felt, the sacrifices of having a second would compromise too much and I wanted to protect my relationship with Daddy, which was happy and would be in danger of moving to resentment, my relationship with you which was extraordinarily strong, against my own needs of being able to recharge. My main driver for a second child was to provide you with a sibling, but the reality was, you did not want a sibling, did not like playing with younger children and babies were just not your thing. You may look back at that statement and think what was I doing how can a five year old really know what they do or do not want but it was where we were at the point in time.
I was very conscious of wanting to ensure that you felt secure and safe in the world, and tried the best I could to help you develop bonds with cousins, my cousins children and my closest friends children to give you the best set up for the future. It nagged me that you could not share you childhood memories of our family with anyone and I worried about the burden I would place on you when we were older and ultimately leaving you in the world on your own when we passed. And at this stage being a mother again at 40 and daddy a father again at 43 nearly 44 would push us into the old age category!
Financially, we could have afforded a second, it would have been tight as the lack of support and need to work would have meant putting a lot of money into childcare, and I felt at odds with paying someone else to look after our children, but we equally could not afford not to work. We also felt we could expose you to more adventures and experiences as we had the resources to do this with just the one and I had all the time I wanted to help and support you in all and everything that you do. You spent weekends all over the place with my Army friends, camping, cousins etc so you were rarely on your own. I remember one summer day when you were 4 and there were a gaggle of your friends in the playroom, I saw you sitting in the swing on your own and went over to talk to you. You said mummy, I just want to be on my own! That was you, you loved the buzz of your friends but there always came a time when you had enough and wanted to be on your own!
Our bond was also extraordinary, I saw my friends cursing their children, preying for the holidays to end, whereas I was always sad when our holidays ended, I loved that you genuinely enjoyed spending time with us, as well as your friends and at age 5 you asked to move into or bedroom so we put your bed at the foot of ours.
As I look at you now, you are the most content happy child ever, and I very much hope you remain happy and healthy in the years to come. Maybe a somewhat silly statement but if you become a mother yourself in the future you will realise that it is all you want for your child. I hope our bond remains as strong as it is right now and I hope I can move on from the guilt I feel and you do not grow to resent our decision in the years to come.
Every decision I make you are at the centre of, I cannot imagine life without you and you teach and show me new things every day.
I hope this someway goes to explain your ‘only’ status, we feel are very much the three musketeers as we are now and we tend to have a band of merry men that supports us including the dog and our guinea pigs!
All my love,
Mummy x