Grieving over not having a second child

[GreenFingeredGoddess]

I'm 44. For years I only wanted one. We went round and round in circles trying to decide whether to have another and decided we were happy as we were. I just couldn't face having another baby as I found it so hard the first time around.

I don't know why, but in my heart I always thought another one might come along or I would suddenly feel at peace with my decision. I never have.

It plays on my mind all the time. I talk to friends about it, I obsess about having only one and how many children other people have, it goes around in my head all the time.

DS is now 8 and a half. I'm very old to be thinking about another. DH does not want another. It would be hard but I can't STOP thinking about it.

I know it could be that I'm probably too old now and it's suddenly hit me, I just don't know. I just want all the thoughts to stop-they are driving me mad! I have had counselling but it didn't really help. I was just told to deal with it or try for another basically.

Can anyone relate and how did you cope?

[BooseysMom]

@Armysarah.. Wow! Words just can't describe what your letter to your DD has made me feel. It's beautifully worded. Thanks so much for taking the time to write it out here. I had never thought of writing a letter! It's a great idea. The guilt is tearing me apart atm so it would really help to write it out of me. The bit you put about not having anyone to share memories with is one thing that's eating away at me. I just go round and round in circles. At 47 (48 on Monday!) I really have to close the door now and that's so hard. A letter will help both me and DS. Thank you x

[Perdita14]

Hello so nice to read everyone's posts. We are still trying but I feel my time has run out now. I am really kicking myself for not just getting on with it when i had the chance.

[Wrigleys123]

Hi all just hopping on here to add my 2 pence worth! @armysarah how lovely to write a letter to your daughter!

My only will be 4 soon and I'm constantly feeling at odds with not having another and punishing myself for not trying sooner. In my head I have this perfect image of her having had a little sister really close in age and having this amazing bond, although in reality I know it is nothing like that all the time, and I could have had a boy haha!

There is still time for me to have another as I'm relatively young but the timing just feels really off now.

[Saevan9]

Hi all I have been reading this post. My Dh and I only wanted one child and my son was born two years ago. I didn’t realized how much I would love being a mom and I wanted a second baby. My dh did not and had a vasectomy. I tired to get pregnant before it took effect, twice my period was late and I was so happy. I was wrong I wasn’t that lucky and shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up. I’m really struggling with depression and resentment of dh. I love my son...he’s the best and cutest toddler I could have ever asked for but I feel like something is missing. I have asked for couples therapy and was told by dh that it’s my issue and I need to get over it. How exactly am I suppose to do that?

[Pamisole]

Hello there. I was reading this thread and crying last night. I am glad I am not alone with these feelings.
I have daughter 5 and I am 35. I am an only child and I always wanted more kids. I even felt it is my main purpose to be a mother and even foster or adopt. I had no issues during my first pregnancy and I enjoyed the baby phase greatly. I love my daughter but I long for one more baby to enjoy and love. But my partner is older and decided he doesn’t want any more kids. And I am heart broken. I resent him for this SO much. I am not financially independent to just be able to leave and have second child on my own. I don’t want to break the family I have for my daughters sake. I love her but for last year I am so unhappy bc of this. I don’t know how to cope and enjoy my life as it is. I wanted something so different then this. I am very much maternal type and I feel I don’t know what else to enjoy in life and what my purpose is now. It feels like I don’t have anything to look forward to.... I need to find a way out of this pain but I don’t know how.

[Perdita14]

Pamisole. What a desperately hard dilemma you face... my heart truly goes out to you.

How is your relationship other than this huge issue? Are you happy otherwise? Somehow to move forwards this is a really important question.

I think until you resolve if you want to stay with your partner you can't really move further with the question.

How adamant is he that he wants no more children?

The above aside, everyone in life has to make peace with the life they have and reconcile it to the one they thought they would have. Im not going to lie number of children is a big one. One i battle with myself.

But there is so much in your life to be grateful for. When i think back to my only daughter and her baby days, toddler days I really grieve for that time. I wish I could experience it again. But if I did it would be a different child with another older child demanding my attention. It wouldnt be the same.

I have friends with 2 kids who say they woke up one day and found their older child had turned into a grown up girl. That they have lost vast swathes of their children's lives just getting through the day/week/month/year.

With one child you can really savour every moment. You can also have breaks as parents.

I also feel when you say you dont know what else to enjoy in life you have to try and find purpose outside of being a mum. Children will always grow up if you have 1 or 5. They eventually forge their own lives.

Its a very hard dilemma and whilst my situation is not the same (we don't seem fertile anymore) I too wake up feeling desperately sad that I have missed the boat to have another child.

I hope you either find the strength to move on and find a new relationship with the possibility of a new child or you find the joy in the life you already have.

[CrumpetyTea]

I always wanted more than one. for ages I didn't think I was going to have even one for various reasons but have DS (now 10)- but I still grieve for the siblings he hasn't got- it was never a conscious decision-DP wasn't keen/I had PND- relationship issues - then I finally got pregnant and miscarried- then work issues (i'm the breadwinner etc )- i'm late 40s now and given huge relationship issues/huge upheavals in life/work I think I've accepted that he's going to be an only one- but I feel so sad and bad about it- where I live there are literally no other single child families and I feel like a freak and feel that DS feels the same - plus I think its damaging him- how do I get on top of this? Also I really blame DP as well

[whoisjoe]

Hi all, I have DD5 from a previous relationship. For some time now ive have the second child debate . I was so blessed that I had no problems concieving her and am 31yo, I adored the baby stage but found age 3-5 the most challenging. New DP is 43, and he just isnt sure he is up to it, works long hours driving and has many hobbies. We love our lives, we even get time together when DD goes to her dads, but I feel like I am being selfish not having another one. I don't have any hobbies, so as much as I love having the odd weekend to ourselves, a lot of the time I just feel lost. I currently work PT in an admin role that bores me, but works well with school hours. I applied to be a police officer at Christmas, got through to the end to fail my medical and have to wait 2 years before I can apply again, so I just don't know what to do right now. Of course the financial aspect is a huge factor for us, currently renting and it's only a 2 bed, plus we have zero family support. Sometimes I think that these things don't matter, but I'm a very practical person and want what's best for DD5. Anyway, I'm going insane daily weighing up the pros and cons, it is exhausting. I feel lucky that I can decide, some people don't have a choice. Age is on my side, but not DPs really. Will this feeling ever go away? Or will I forever torment myself ?

[Perdita14]

Hi crumpety

I totally understand your feelings. My daughter is the only only in her class. But you cannot let this ruin your son's life. He is most likely fine about it. My sister has 3 kids and they all pester her for another child.

I feel no matter how many siblings your child has you are going to feel guilty. 2 of different sexes ... wish you could have given them a same sex sibling. Ages too far apart. Personalities dont mix. Less time for them individually.

Make a list of pros ... really think about this. I bet your son has a good relationship with you. I bet he has had more opportunities. I bet he feels really loved without having to compete for your attention.

Make a list of cons. Then next to it write what you could do to make this better. E.g. lonely. Invite friends round. Make your house the go to house for hangouts. Create a cool den for him. Treat his friends like your own kids.

Another con - no one to help care for his parents in old age. Make a plan. Figure out where you will live to ensure the burden of care does not fall on his shoulders.

You cannot let this ruin your life. You have given your son the greatest gift: life itself. Paint your own picture. Paint your own future. Make sure you put a tonne of family pictures up. Make sure you tell him he is all you ever wanted.

Remember kids grow up in all sorts of less ideal situations - one parent absent, lack of money, caring for sick relatives ... being an only is not that bad.

Be kind to yourself. If you show him this is an amazing life. He will believe it.

[gingganggooleywotsit]

what a lovely inspiring post @Perdita14 and so so right x

[Wrigleys123]

@perdita14 great post, I really needed to read something like that today to get my head in check so thank you!

[Dinadina2021]

Just read this old thread (think it’s from 2013) but so reflected my feelings/situation. On top of struggling to make peace with having one, we’ve also had the pandemic to deal with. Which has meant not getting to see friends/extended family..this has made me feel more isolated & guilty on the behalf of my 5 year old daughter. Anyone else out there feeling the same??

[BabyPotato]

@Dinadina2021 Me! I think the pandemic kicked it off for me last year. I was relatively happy with my 4yo, but suddenly losing all social contacts left me feeling very vulnerable, like my child was not getting the social interactions they needed. I was so lucky in that I didn't have to work throughout the pandemic and I could dedicate most of my time to entertaining my child, however, the more time we spent together the more I started feeling like I wanted another child. Regardless of what happens with that, I'm still trying to be my child's playmate and "best friend" until they are able to play with other kids again. I do feel really guilty as I keep talking to my friends who have more than one child and they're all grateful that their kids have siblings to play with.

We mustn't beat ourselves up about it though. I'm sure all of our kids are happy and loved, and they don't know any different anyway.

[Dinadina2021]

Hello! Wow, so nice to hear from someone feeling the same...I’m surrounded by families with two kids or more & so it feels so hard to explain. The guilt that’s your child is missing out, is exhausting!
She started school this year & I had hoped to establish more mum/kid friends but the pandemic has made that so complicated& people don’t seem keen to reach out. I can’t help but feel if I had two I wouldn’t feel so much pressure to create more social interactions. But I think a lot of my anxiety is my mixed feelings about having only one, which wasn’t a really a real choice.
I think you sound like you’re doing a great job. I love my little girl but my patience for playing Lego is limited 😆 Thanks for the positive words, they are loved & that’s the best start you can give any child ❤️

[Dinadina2021]

@BabyPotato forgot to add your tag, tried to reply, hope u can see the post X

[lollipoprainbow]

Join the club !! I'm a single mum with a dd 8.5 years. I worry constantly about her being an only but she has sen issues and needs my undivided attention so it's probably just as well I didn't have any more (not that I had any choice!).

[yesofcourse22]

This thread really sums up how I feel at the moment! I'm 44 and I've run out of time and I'm really quite sad about it

[yesofcourse22]

Anyone else feel the same?

[Dinadina2021]

@ yesofcourse22
Yes the same, some days better than others...

[Cappucinoextrachocolate]

I know this is an old thread. I have an only 10 year old. I have no words of encouragement because I am myself in a dark place. He hates being the only child, and always says "he is unlucky"; for many reasons we decided not to have another one and I am now menopausal, albeit in my early 40s , so a pregnancy wouldn't be a possibility anyway. The pandemic just highlighted how isolated we are, family abroad and no very close ties, no cousins nearby. My mental health took a dip, it was never very strong but I was ok. I think the only thing to do is to accept the life we have, and try to think of the advantages, and to find ways to take care of you as an individual.

[Dinadina2021]

@Cappucinoextrachocolate
That sounds really tough…I’d be so upset if my daughter said she hated being an only. Though she talks about siblings all the time and probably likes the idea of it! However our children will have to live the life they’ve been given. No human has a life without challenges & our children are no different. We’re trying our best & that’s all we can do. Hope things feel better for you soon….

[MrsRAF]

I am in the same position I always wanted 2 children but just kept putting off. My son is now 8 , I’m 40 and I want to have another one but not now. I regret not having one earlier I just kept putting off and now I’m out of time. The depression is now ruining my life and my bond with my son. I wish I had a time machine.

[MrsKSM]

Even though this thread is years old, I have read each single comment and been amazed at how much I identify with all of the thoughts and feelings expressed in them. Thank you so much to everyone who has shared here as it has helped me to feel less alone.

I am obsessing over the thought of having another, it is all-consuming. But then I feel guilty as I know I should be grateful for what I do have rather than fixating on what I don't. (For reference I am 36, have a DD aged 2, a lovely home and DH).

I had a good pregnancy and even a good birth, but I found becoming a Mum so much more difficult than I had ever imagined. It wasn't the lack of sleep that was the killer (though that wasn't ideal!) but the overwhelming anxiety and "what-the-heck-am-I-doing-ness" that really threw me.

Also, we went into lockdown when she was just 6 weeks old, so that has affected my confidence being out and about with her. I still feel a bit anxious taking her out now.

Realistically, I am not sure I could handle any more, but there is something in me that can't let it go. I have bored all my friends and family to tears with deliberating over it, and DH is at his wits' end. He is happy with us as a family of 3 and says having another won't make us any happier, in fact, it'll make us more stressed. We enjoy time as a 3 and also enjoy time alone to recharge, DH plays golf for example. If we had another baby, I wouldn't feel confident dealing with baby and toddler on my own at first, so golf would be out the window.

I feel like my hesitations about giving DD a sibling aren't valid, I don't have fertility issues or anything... but it would be so difficult. My relationship with DH really suffered in the early newborn days and I worry another child would not just rock the boat but sink it.

Also, I have a career which I love and it's not exactly a 9-5, so having another child would make my work life much harder. But that feels selfish.

It's the thought of DD wishing she had a sibling which gets me, and also being responsible for us when we get old.

My and my sister are 18 months apart, fought like cat and dog growing up and are very different people. But, I know she would always be there if I needed her. It makes me sad for DD that she won't have that.

Sorry for the length of this post, just writing it down has helped me to feel a bit better.

I hope we all make peace with our decisions, whichever way they go x

[MrsKSM]

Also, I think it's because I have always envisioned my life as having more than one child. How do you let go of a dream you have had for that long, without resentment?

The thing is, I know having another may be too much for me to handle, and then I would feel guilty for spreading myself too thinly... I'm not a good enough Mum, wife, employee... if I stick with one, I can at least be the best mum I can be to DD, but at the same time don't want to smother her.

I really wish crystal balls were real so you can weigh up options properly!

[Jellyfish7]

Just been reading through all these posts having had a terrible nights sleep worrying about our dd being an only. I had her when I was 37, conceived after a laparoscopy. I then got preeclampsia which meant she was was prem, I found the blood pressure issues and dealing with such a tiny baby very difficult. This put me off having another for quite a while which I now really regret.
When she was just over 2 years we started trying again, no joy naturally so moved to ivf. Cut a long story short none of the ivf worked (8 failed transfers) and I even gave up my job to give it every chance thinking stress could be a factor. We’ve now moved clinics and have one genetically normal blastocyst in the freezer after 2 egg retrievals. To say it’s been gruelling is an understatement. My next step is another laparoscopy as they’ve discovered fluid in one of my Fallopian tubes which may have been causing implantation issues so needs to be dealt with before we try another transfer. I’m exhausted by it all but keep going for the sake of our dd. Endometriosis has been mentioned a few times as a potential cause.
I notice all the siblings on the school run and feel such guilt for not trying sooner. It’s a very isolating place to be as I don’t fit in the infertility camp with no kids, the one and done by choice or 2+ kids. I know my dd would love a sibling, she’s mentioned it and I say maybe whilst trying not to cry.
I’m 43 so pushing my luck. I just find this all so hard to deal with whilst trying to enjoy our dd and dealing with insensitive comments about her being an only. It’s ruined relationships with those who don’t get it/lack empathy, but then again why should I share every detail of our infertility struggles in the hope they’ll understand? It’s so personal.
Just wanted somewhere to get all
this down as I feel on edge most of the time yet put on a brave face for our dd. It’s one of the toughest things I’ve had to deal with so can relate to those stuck in this situation x