Grieving over not having a second child

[GreenFingeredGoddess]

I'm 44. For years I only wanted one. We went round and round in circles trying to decide whether to have another and decided we were happy as we were. I just couldn't face having another baby as I found it so hard the first time around.

I don't know why, but in my heart I always thought another one might come along or I would suddenly feel at peace with my decision. I never have.

It plays on my mind all the time. I talk to friends about it, I obsess about having only one and how many children other people have, it goes around in my head all the time.

DS is now 8 and a half. I'm very old to be thinking about another. DH does not want another. It would be hard but I can't STOP thinking about it.

I know it could be that I'm probably too old now and it's suddenly hit me, I just don't know. I just want all the thoughts to stop-they are driving me mad! I have had counselling but it didn't really help. I was just told to deal with it or try for another basically.

Can anyone relate and how did you cope?

[Autumnjazz]

Hello! I used to post under perdita on this thread but I can't find my login details. Such a difficult question to answer and I know you know only you can make it. Mother nature decided for me. Once I decided to go for it, I think I was too old (over 40) and our 4 year attempt to conceive failed. And now I'm 47 I am mostly at peace with it all

I guess you could ask yourself this question: if you don't make a decision mother nature will eventually make it for you. How would you feel if that choice was taken away? It sounds like this time would be different. A more relaxed way off life, experience with one child under your belt ... But every child is an unknown. You might get a really tricky one, it's so unknown. Would you have better post natal support? That is also a consideration.

Try to think of the long term too. Do you see yourself with a teen and a tween? 2 adult kids. Try to paint your ideal life and see if that reveals some clues.

I think we all know deep down that a decision like this isn't all good or all bad. Its just different roads different pros different cons. I can recommend the book feel the fear and do it anyway ... Of course the feeling the fear bit is either having a child or deciding to stick with one.

I think also you are obviously highly educated and I think these decisions can really only be made with the heart. We can't think our way out of a decision with so many unknowns. Its like packing for a holiday to an unknown destination in the dark. You just cannot make logical decisions.

And whatever happens you will be ok. You will make peace with it.

[BooseysMom]

Autumnjazz
Did you used to post as Perdita on the 40+ttc thread? I remember the name! Do you remember me? I only had one in the end and am finally at peace with this. Lovely to hear from you 😊

[Autumnjazz]

Hello Boosey!

Yes that's me!! Of course I remember you! So nice to catch up with you. I'm glad you found peace with it. It took me a long time and I really struggled for a few years but now I feel happy with my little family. I don't have much patience and my daughter is such an angel I think I'd have really struggled if I had 2 or a tricky second child. And now I'm picking up my career and doing all my hobbies that I love. So it's all good. How old is your child now?

Xxx

[BooseysMom]

@Autumnjazz

Hello Boosey!

Yes that's me!! Of course I remember you! So nice to catch up with you. I'm glad you found peace with it. It took me a long time and I really struggled for a few years but now I feel happy with my little family. I don't have much patience and my daughter is such an angel I think I'd have really struggled if I had 2 or a tricky second child. And now I'm picking up my career and doing all my hobbies that I love. So it's all good. How old is your child now?

Xxx

Autumnjazz
So it is you! Thanks for your reply. Yes I agree with everything you say and like you, I really struggled for a few years when on the 40+ ttc thread and ended up just giving encouragement to those who were trying as I already had DS. I did re-discover some of the old group on another thread started by Chatbash72 a few months back. It was started 2020 I think.
My DS is double figures now - 10!! Where have the years gone?! How old is your DD?
xxx

[BoyMumma18]

Hi I'm looking for advice from people who don't know us so that it's not personal. We have a little boy and have been ttc for 2 years, my husband and I have had some tough conversations in the recent months and I think we're going to stop trying for another baby, mainly due to financial reasons - we're not stable as such, adding another baby would mean sacrificing what little 'luxuries' we have and it would make the future a bit more financially tight/uncertain. Also there's mental health reasons...I suffer from depression and also post natal anxiety, my husband is scared for me to potentially go through that again and worries for how we would cope, he is also possibly being tested for ADHD and is concerned that he wouldn't cope well if we had another as he finds things stressful sometimes as they are. My concerns are that if we decide not to have any more, I'm going to majorly regret the decision and will always long for that other child, I'm not overly keen on our son being an only child, although he has cousins of a similar age I just feel he'd miss out on having a sibling, he'll never experience being an uncle etc. There are a few people around me who are ttc at the moment/will likely have more children and I know it's going to hit me so hard when that happens as I'll be longing for what could have been, I'm so scared that I'll be resentful. We're giving ourselves a few more weeks to discuss/think about it before we make the final decision but I just can't stop crying about it. I know this might sound silly but I also worry that I've not cherished every minute with my son enough as I didn't know I wouldn't experience this again, I worry that I've not soaked up every stage/milestone etc. Thanks for any advice in advance.

[Autumnjazz]

To me it sounds clearcut: you do want another child but it sounds like your husband doesn't. Why the rush to make a decision so quickly? Is there an age related fertility concern? Perhaps things could change in a year - perhaps a new job could relieve financial pressure. Maybe after his diagnosis and treatment he will feel more in control - I'd wait 6 months or so

[BoyMumma18]

Thanks for your reply. There are a few reasons for the decision needing made sooner rather than later: age, I suffer from quite a serious condition and TTC means I have to be off all of my medication so I've not got a great quality of life at the moment and it's only getting worse as time goes on. Plus we just feel it's been a long 2 years of TTC with all that comes with that and we're not sure wether to keep the anguish going.

[MrsKSM]

First of all, @BoyMumma18 I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time with this. If it's any consolation, I have absolutely been there. I completely get it. (See my post from months back which reactivated this thread!) It's awful living with that anxiety, self-doubt and worry over your head, feeling like you should have another but not being convinced it's the right fit for your family. Well, I am writing to tell you that it is OK, in fact, it is great to have an only child! I am completely on the other side of all the worry and sleepless nights about it.

Choosing to stop at one, whatever your reasons, is just as valid a choice as any other family size. And the reasons you have given ARE valid. Mental health is important, and if you feel you can be the best version of yourself with just one, then why not do that? There are no prizes for running yourself ragged or stretching yourself too thinly. Financially, being able to afford little luxuries and treat yourself is no bad thing either, life is for enjoying, it's just that we have been conditioned to believe Mums always have to put themselves last and go without (even behind imaginary children that don't exist yet?!)

Ultimately, you will figure out what is right for your family but what helped us was realising that we can't give our child all the experiences that life has to offer. For example, if we did have another and it was a boy, our daughter wouldn't know what it was like to have a sister, or if we had another girl, she won't know what it's like to have a brother etc. She will never know what it is like to be a little sister as she is the firstborn, so where do you draw the line? Instead, we focus on what we can give her: happy parents, a loving home, plenty of time to invest in her, travel etc etc. She will be just fine and so will your little one.

Hope this has helped xx

[BoyMumma18]

This has helped massively, thank you for your point of view! I guess we'll see how the next few weeks go.

[BeccaGeej]

@BoyMumma18 , I too completely get everything you are saying and have been there. My dd is now 9 and is the most wonderful daughter but in all honesty, I still struggle quite regularly with the fact that she is our only one and my greatest wish is that I could go back in time and have a second. But, that's only because I'm imagining a perfect life whereas in reality it would probably be very different; we'd have less time for both children, have less money, be more stressed, DH and I would probably have a more strained relationship etc so would life be any better? If it's any consolation, and what has helped me reconcile to it is that our DD is as happy as any child could be and has never asked about having a sibling which I take to mean that she doesn't feel she misses out. Another plus point is that the three of us have the loveliest of relationships, partly due to the fact that we have plenty of time to spend with her without distractions from another child. If we had had a second, there probably would have been a four or five year age gap and when we're in the middle of an activity with DD, I often think, if there was a much younger child here, we wouldn't be able to do this, whatever it happens to be.
One of the most difficult things I find is that one child parents are still so unusual and that makes you feel like you stand out. But all your reasons are extremely valid and if your son did question your decision in years to come, you have valid reasons which will show him how you put him first. There are no easy answers but good luck with whatever you decide.

[Autumnjazz]

@BeccaGeej I feel exactly the same as you. My daughter is also 9. She has accepted being an only child and is happy with it. Its other people that are tricky. My mother in law spent Christmas with us but said afterwards she felt sorry my daughter had no one other than adults to play with. That cut like a knife. She only said it because she is desperate to get all the cousins together as her daughter is moving home from abroad. Only the cousins don't really interact.

But we are very happy as a unit of 3. I have recently fallen out badly with my sister and tbh she has been a really challenging element to my life. Siblings do not always get on and as my DH said - if she was a friend you'd have cut her loose a long time ago. So I also feel grateful she won't have to deal with this.

I agree on being the odd one out. We met a mirror only child family and that has been lovely. We do lots with them and they are happy to meet in the holidays when other people are busy with families.

[Dinadina2021]

Hello @BoyMumma18

thank you for sharing your story & I really recognise the internal struggle you’ve having about trying for another. I just want to echo what the other mums have written. My DD is 8 & we are a happy family of 3 plus our dog child 😝
There are no perfect or one correct answer. There are pros & cons to all scenarios but I just want to say, that having a solo child is just as happy and VALID as having a bigger family…you don’t need to put extra stress on your health, relationships etc to give them a sibling. What’s more important a sibling or happy, healthy parents? I know we all subscribe to the ideal perfect family but we just do the best we can, with our own personal situations. Remember your child has everything they need, a mum and dad who love them & can provide food, a home & stability. So many children don’t even have those basics…

Good luck with everything 😌

[BeccaGeej]

@Autumnjazz That was a really insensitive comment to make from your mother in law and any comment like that would really upset me too, probably because I'm so over sensitive about it. One of the things that has helped me is that my family have never questioned our decision, neither my parents or my inlaws have ever said a word about why we only have one, which I'm very grateful for even though I know they would have loved another grandchild. But on the plus side, our DD is spoilt rotten by both sets of grandparents (in a good way!) and has a lovely relationship with both of them. I find that every time a negative thought crops up in my mind, I try and counteract it with a positive.

[40fish]

@MrsKSM I've been following this thread for ages, looking for clarity. I'm in a similar situation, been weighing up the pros and cons of a second for years now, I can't tell you how many appointments I've made and cancelled for coil removal (TMI?) haha!!! Your reply has really helped me, you're right it IS OK to have one child and it IS great. I have the most wonderful 3yr old boy, he fills my heart, and my days and he is more than enough. Thank you again. X

[MrsKSM]

@40fish Well this has made my day, thank you so much! Our little ones are similar ages, my daughter is 3 too, very nearly 4. (Just before lockdown babies huh?!)

Exactly that, my little girl is amazing, she is everything I had hoped she would be and more. I feel so lucky to have her and to give her all I can, but on days where I am stressed or tired (today is a prime example!) then I am also grateful I just have one to contend with and not two. (I.e. get to bed so Mummy can go to bed too...!!)

If I can go a bit deep for a moment, I think as humans, we are programmed to question "what if" and think about alternative scenarios, it's part of how we evolved to survive. But we can't be held back by what could be or it will paralyse us. At some point, we have to trust the path we have taken is the right one, and it is. There is no right or wrong way to do life, it's just an option. It's not like we will get to the pearly gates and they'll say "sorry, you got "life" wrong and can't come in because you didn't have 15 children". And besides, if we did have multiple kids, they might hate each other anyway, there is genuinely no way of knowing!

The last thing from me, I swear... I went to my Uncle's funeral recently and my two cousins were obviously distraught at his loss. It reminded me of what people say about onlies, that they will be "alone" when we pass. But while my two cousins were both present, they weren't seeking comfort in each other (in fact I hardly saw them talking to each other). One of them had brought his wife to console him, and the other came with her son and two of her closest friends. The people my cousins were leaning on in their time of need was not their sibling but their chosen family (spouse), their own children and close friends, all of which our children will have too. So that reassured me a lot.

Sorry for the waffle... I have a lot to say on this topic! X

[40fish]

@MrsKSM My boyfriend has a really close group of friends, and I always felt like I had to keep up with them and their wives. We lost a baby back in 2015, not long after his best mates wife got pregnant then my younger sister got pregnant twice really close together, it made me feel so inadequate. We decided in 2017 to start trying again and it took us ages to get pregnant, meanwhile all his mates had kids and kept having more, so when our boy came along as happy as I was I thought I should be having another. They're all a couple of years younger than me, and definitely financially better off. So I've felt pressure from that, then adding more pressure on myself. When I look at me and my siblings we don't get along at all my older sister and I are good friends but my boyfriend is my safe place. I know and appreciate what I have and I'm incredibly grateful just after reading what you wrote made me realise I'm not the only mother of an only child there are other like minded women out there, and it's perfectly perfect having one.

I went on a bit there hah its good to have a sage place to download. .... so any advice on potty training 😂Xx

[Autumnjazz]

@MrsKSM totally agree re funerals. My sister and I are so gonna fall out. She will move mum in when she's old, use her house money to add space to hers. There will be no inheritance for me (not that I want it) but it will be all under the guise of helping mum. I am grateful my daughter won't go through this.

I'm also making financial plans for her so she will never have to worry about money. I will sort out a nice care home in Thailand and tell her to live her life.

I also encourage her to pick decent friends. Build her own family. Much better than being stuck with someone just because they share the same DNA

[MrsKSM]

@40fish Ha, no worries. This is a safe space! I can relate to feeling inadequate certainly, but we are so much more than baby making machines and our worth isn't defined by how many kids we have or how much money we make. I guarantee the way you are looking at them and feeling less than, someone will be looking at you and envying something about you / your lifestyle.

As for potty training, that was great fun! (Sarcasm) The wees she got the hang of really quickly. Number 2s was a different ball game!! We tried the "Big Little Feelings" method that said it would work in 3 days. It didn't work that way for us, so we let nursery do a lot of the heavy lifting. In all honesty, I think she saw her little pals doing it on the toilet at nursery and she wanted to do it too which helped loads. Then just one day she started doing it, lots of praise, stickers and making her feel like a big girl seemed to help. Good luck!

@Autumnjazz So sorry to hear about this situation with your sister, it's sad but so common that many siblings fall out over inheritances. It's so nice to hear you are planning ahead. I'd like to do the same, I want to have a nice nest egg to sort myself out when I am old like nursing homes etc, and let her live her life 😊

[1980Mummy]

Hi, reading this thread from a long time ago and I can now relate to it wishing I had a second child and it’s now too late at 44. I am really interested to hear from the mummy who originally posted this to see how they are now. X

[PasstheStarmix]

Hi, this thread was made in 2013, and it is likely the op is well gone. It may be worth creating your own thread, and hearing from other Mums who have experience of this.

@1980Mummy