Grieving over not having a second child

[GreenFingeredGoddess]

I'm 44. For years I only wanted one. We went round and round in circles trying to decide whether to have another and decided we were happy as we were. I just couldn't face having another baby as I found it so hard the first time around.

I don't know why, but in my heart I always thought another one might come along or I would suddenly feel at peace with my decision. I never have.

It plays on my mind all the time. I talk to friends about it, I obsess about having only one and how many children other people have, it goes around in my head all the time.

DS is now 8 and a half. I'm very old to be thinking about another. DH does not want another. It would be hard but I can't STOP thinking about it.

I know it could be that I'm probably too old now and it's suddenly hit me, I just don't know. I just want all the thoughts to stop-they are driving me mad! I have had counselling but it didn't really help. I was just told to deal with it or try for another basically.

Can anyone relate and how did you cope?

[Dinadina2021]

@Jellyfish7 @MrsKSM and other contributors.

I’ve been really touched reading all these contributions. What really shines through it how much we love our children & how much we want to give them a happy childhood. I can see practically that we’ve benefited from only having one - more time, more money etc. However I will always feel sad that my daughter won’t have the sibling relationships that I enjoy. Ultimately there is no one right answer, life is complicated and there are advantages & disadvantages to all scenarios. What I’m trying to do now is make peace with our situation and accept I couldn’t control the outcome. We’re all trying our best and that’s all we can do ❤️
I found this book below very reassuring that only children do turn out ok 🥰

[BooseysMom]

@Dinadina2021

Thank you for the book recommendation. It looks great. 😊I have found this thread very useful. I have a DS who is nearly 9 and for years I mourned not having a second child, but at last I truly feel I have done the right thing by him. He never expresses any desire for sibling so I guess I'm lucky. He has friends he plays with alot which really helps. I haven't got a close sibling relationship with my half brother so I don't know what that feels like. The thing I worry about the most is the future, who will he share memories with when we're gone? But that does teach you to live more in the moment.

Sending hugs to all

[JM292]

Thank you all for sharing. I wish I found this post in 2013. That’s when we started for #2. I got pregnant quickly but miscarried. I wasn’t able to get pregnant after that. My story is too long to tell but I’ve felt every single emotion on this post. My DD is a beautiful, talented and smart girl. I get so depressed sometimes that I should appreciate what we have but the guilt of not being able to have a second will blind side me sometimes. I’m in a better place today but it’s been difficult. You’re all very brave for sharing your stories.

[BooseysMom]

@JM292

Thank you all for sharing. I wish I found this post in 2013. That’s when we started for #2. I got pregnant quickly but miscarried. I wasn’t able to get pregnant after that. My story is too long to tell but I’ve felt every single emotion on this post. My DD is a beautiful, talented and smart girl. I get so depressed sometimes that I should appreciate what we have but the guilt of not being able to have a second will blind side me sometimes. I’m in a better place today but it’s been difficult. You’re all very brave for sharing your stories.

Thank you. I hear you. It's a grieving process we have to all go through. Your DD sounds beautiful.

[Dinadina2021]

instagram.com/oneanddoneparenting?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

This Instagram account is fab! Celebrating having one…hope it helps anyone reading this thread.

[Tigerthecat]

I’m happy this post is still going. I had my child 2015 , multiple ivf, miscarriage etc and it just took time to recover mentally . The last couple of years l’ve completely turned a corner and am happy to have one kid; she’s mature enough to understand she’d have to share me if there was another kid and l know she wouldn’t have the best of me if l had to share myself. But this is all in retrospect, and as l said has only happened in the last couple of years.

[Daisy983]

Hi there, just read your comment (i know its 10 years old) and I could very much relate to you and find it hard to make my peace with it. How did you overcome this? Any help would be appreciated .

[Dinadina2021]

I love reading these messages. Thank you for sharing 😊

I really do think it’s a process.

And some days you’re are going to feel sad, angry, guilty, regretful…and that’s ok.

So maybe things aren’t “perfect” or exactly what you wanted. Maybe your life is going to be different. That’s ok.

We can’t always control everything and that’s ok.

Be kind and forgive yourself 💕

[Tigerthecat]

Hi, l completely agree with the above comment. I can only add that it gets easier with time and also at this stage of my life , l know that there isn’t the possibility that l could become pregnant so l’m not constantly thinking about it. It was harder before as the friends l’d made since having my child were either already pregnant or planning their next so l felt even worse. When that passed , l felt a little better; it takes time but you can’t rationalise when you are grieving.

[MrsKSM]

It is so hard when you are in the midst of it. The uncertainty and back and forth had me paralysed for a long time and it honestly consumed my thoughts all day long.

For me, meditation to ease my anxiety really helped and as silly as it might sound, there was a quote in the new Little Mermaid film which really struck a chord with me... "Don't be held back by what you think should be, think of only what is".

Instead of mentally berating myself for not having another child, I actively choose to be grateful for everything I do have. We aren't giving our DD a sibling, but there is no guarantee they would like each other anyway! (Me and my sister certainly wouldn't be friends if we weren't related, and she isn't the first one I run to with good news etc.) We are, however, giving her healthy, happy parents that enjoy the freedom to pursue their own hobbies at times, and we will be able to travel more with her when she's older etc... there are lots of advantages!

I also find insta accounts like oneanddoneparenting to be a Godsend. You are not alone! Sending lots of love xx

[user1467225901]

Hello
I think maybe I’m only just starting to try and accept I won’t have another baby. But I feel so depressed and upset at this thought, it just takes over everything no matter what I do. We had fertility treatment and I was lucky that it worked first time and we had my son, who is now 7. I had an awful time once he was born and a lot of trauma, some of his first year I barely remember. We tried again for another a few years later but it didn’t work, and now my husband doesn’t want to try again due to money etc. he has other kids from a previous marriage and they are all grown up and one even has their own baby. So he’s a grandparent which he loves but I cannot join in, it’s just too upsetting. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, and I love him. We tried to adopt but that also fell through due to my previous mental health after my son was born.
I’m 38 and he is 45, he had his kids when he was young so I do understand that he wants to do things he hasn’t had the chance to do before.
Im so lost, how do I get past this?

[Dinadina2021]

Hello,

I’m so sorry for the pain you’ve experiencing.

I don’t think there’s any one simple solution, you’re grieving a loss….a child you may never have.

Be kind to yourself and I hope in time you will begin to feel more at peace with your situation.

Thank you for sharing, there will be many women reading this who know exactly how you feel.

You’re not alone.

[MrsKSM]

I'm so sorry to hear you are lost. I think we all cling onto the notion of a second child, the idea that they would "complete our family" and get on well with our firstborn, but the truth is we just don't know how things would actually turn out. They might hate each other. They might be a really chilled and easy baby, or they could be a horrendous sleeper, there is just no way of knowing. For me personally, it's too much of a risk - we have a good life now and another child could completely change everything for the worse... I would be more tired and stressed, my marriage would suffer and I would end up being a worse Mum to my existing child.

Sorry if this waffle hasn't helped at all. I am also 38 soon and I understand feeling the time pressure, that if we want another, it has to be soon. But time helped me make peace with it - you are not any less of a Mum because you have one child. Please be kind to yourself. Sending lots of love xx

[Tinklyheadtilt]

@user1467225901

Hello
I think maybe I’m only just starting to try and accept I won’t have another baby. But I feel so depressed and upset at this thought, it just takes over everything no matter what I do. We had fertility treatment and I was lucky that it worked first time and we had my son, who is now 7. I had an awful time once he was born and a lot of trauma, some of his first year I barely remember. We tried again for another a few years later but it didn’t work, and now my husband doesn’t want to try again due to money etc. he has other kids from a previous marriage and they are all grown up and one even has their own baby. So he’s a grandparent which he loves but I cannot join in, it’s just too upsetting. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, and I love him. We tried to adopt but that also fell through due to my previous mental health after my son was born.
I’m 38 and he is 45, he had his kids when he was young so I do understand that he wants to do things he hasn’t had the chance to do before.
Im so lost, how do I get past this?

Why can you not join in? Just because they are step kids doesn't mean they are nothing to you are they?

[BeccaGeej]

Have just found this post and have experienced every emotion mentioned. Our DD is almost 9 and is the most wonderful, happy child but I still feel sad on a daily basis that we only had the one. It was a decision based on numerous factors which felt right at the time but which I have regretted ever since. I have two levels of sadness, one that she will never know the love of a sibling and second, that I will never have the joy of another son/daughter.
I have had times over the years where it has been like a form of depression. As DD has got a bit older, it isn't quite as painful as I do try to force myself to look at the positives. The three of us are all happy and healthy, we have a fantastic relationship and she gets so much more attention and time than I would be able to give her if there was a second one.
Every time we go out, I still look at other families and feel jealous but then I think, how many couples that you see when you are out, are perhaps unable to have children and looking at us with envy and sadness. I know I am so lucky to have such a wonderful daughter and that is what I always try to focus on.

[MrsKSM]

I completely relate to everything you are saying, but in a way, I feel like we are mourning an imagined future (which is totally valid to do), but it is just a fantasy of what we assume it would be like. Ultimately, the reality could be much different in a million ways - the two kids could hate each other, the second one may have complex healthcare needs which demand the majority of your time etc etc.

When I spiral, I try to ground myself and focus on what is and count my blessings, rather than lament what is not if that makes sense. It takes work as your brain defaults to looking for negatives, it's a problem solver, that's what it does, but if the negative thoughts are coming from you, then they are not bigger than you and you can overcome them.

[BeccaGeej]

Yes, totally second this. Had a moment of this on a train recently. DH, DD and I were sitting there quietly and companionably, either getting on with our own things or chatting etc. A woman across the aisle was being run ragged by her three kids, she barely sat down all journey as she was constantly having to sort the kids out. I thought, that is probably what the reality would be like, not the idealistic vision I have in my head!

[PasstheStarmix]

If it is any consolation, I have 2 dcs and they fight alot of the time!
I know people who regret having another as the new baby ruined their family dynamic. One of my friend's dc is high need, and in hindsight she wouldn't have done it, as awful as that is to say. I guess what I am trying to say is dreaming of a subsequent child is not always the same as reality. I have 2 and dream of a 3rd, but I know I'm in my late 30's, don't want to be changing nappies in my 40s, my 2 dcs are 6 and 3, it would be selfish of me. We are finally getting our life back and doing more things. I am exhausted with 2, and just know once the baby stage passed the 3rd wouldn't get as much of me as the other 2, also the other 2 would suffer from less attention. I think is is only natural to want another as time starts to run out, even with 2 it could happen again. You have to know when to stop.

[PasstheStarmix]

Just realised this is an old thread!

[KylieKangaroo]

I felt guilty when I just had the one, but now I have the 2 I feel guilty that I can't give the first the same amount of attention that I used to. You literally can't win either way and there is definitely an idealistic version we have in our heads which is different from the reality!

[PasstheStarmix]

I wonder if it did have a 2nd, the child would be 9/10 now!

[PasstheStarmix]

op did*

[MrsKSM]

It may be an old thread but it just goes to show that lots of people go through the same worries and are in the same boat. We aren't the first and won't be the last. Strangely comforting.

[40fish]

So 10 years has passed, what did you decide ? X

[mrlistersgelfbride]

I have read this thread many times and always come back to it.
I always wonder what happened with the early posters.

DD is 6 tomorrow.
Me and her dad are still together but do not have the ideal relationship. However when we get on I love his company and I wonder if we could have another child.

I found the baby and toddler years very hard with DD but when I think about it I was a different person then, I felt young to have her (32, but the first of my friends) and the timing was not great as I was in the middle of an Mphil and busy job with a long commute. I felt I had to go back to work to complete that and see it through to prove I could do it.
I got it done and left that job and now have a more laidback every day life. I never enjoyed DD as a 1 year old/toddler as I was always rushing off to work. I wish I had a second chance.

I'm sure a second child wouldn't be as much of a shock to me as a first.
DD would be a great sister.
But I love her to bits, love our bond and don't want her to miss out on anything.
Lots of friends who I thought were one and done had 2nd children with 5, 6,7 year age gaps. All look pretty happy.
I flip flop every day, I'm not sure I'll ever make peace with a decision either way.
I'd love 2 children but the thought of being pregnant, giving birth and going through a dark 2 years of PND again terrifies me.

I'm sure lots of people can relate.
No easy answers 💐